why women to date jerks, but chase after them also?



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hale_bopp
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25 Apr 2010, 7:38 pm

Just something I was thinking about.. a possible reason why women not only accept date invites from jerks, but choose to chase after them also.

A lot of women want to feel they are attractive, and if a guy panders to her, she's just "meh" and moves on. When a jerk ignores her, she would think "whats wrong with me?" and persist in competing to get or win that jerks affection.

This may apply for people who crush on people and then get cold feet as soon as they are accepted. They fight and fight and fight to win this persons affection, and when they finally win it, the game is all over?

Maybe this is why women stay with jerks, because they treat you like s**t and you're still fighting to win their acceptance.

I'm not saying this is the case with ALL women, but it seems to me that it can apply for some.

Also explains why no-ones interested in you... you get a GF, and all of a sudden everyone is? They're fighting to claim the win.

The above definitely happens, even if it doesn't apply to a lot of people here.

Thoughts?


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Tim_Tex
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25 Apr 2010, 7:41 pm

Is it the whole challenge idea that would motivate these people?


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hale_bopp
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25 Apr 2010, 7:49 pm

I don't think they do it on purpose... just happens that way. I've been known to lose interest in guys when I have won them over, but it may not be related, the person obviously wasn't right for me.

The only time i've never gone off a guy was when the guy would not accept me for what I was.


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League_Girl
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25 Apr 2010, 8:21 pm

They think they can change them.



Tim_Tex
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25 Apr 2010, 8:23 pm

League_Girl wrote:
They think they can change them.


What do they do when they realize that they won't change?


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Lene
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25 Apr 2010, 8:29 pm

Quote:
A lot of women want to feel they are attractive, and if a guy panders to her, she's just "meh" and moves on. When a jerk ignores her, she would think "whats wrong with me?" and persist in competing to get or win that jerks affection.


Sounds plausible. I definitely think that may be part of the appeal. It's similar to that old chestnut; "treat em mean, keep em keen".



Sound
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25 Apr 2010, 8:38 pm

Good topical question.
Not really sure what I think.

I've always parsed it down to the idea that a challenge is more emotionally engaging than a win. If you're concerned with an inability to find a partner, then the allure of that challenge gets overwhelmed by the fear of never winning. From that standpoint, less-popular people aren't so susceptible to your described phenomenon. But for people who can somewhat reliably find a willing partner, there's less getting in the way of following the lure of a challenge. IMO, women are more prone to this, but men definitely do it too; One of my roommates fell for this once.

But that doesn't explain the 'cold feet' end of things, which could serve as proof that the above idea is overlooking the source,

Regarding 'fixing him,' I think that plays in a bit, but I also think it's mostly a separate issue. I don't think women are terribly interested in fixing the guy until the relationship is established, and emotional investment is solidified. At that point, it's big, but not before.
IMO.



Mdyar
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25 Apr 2010, 8:47 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
Just something I was thinking about.. a possible reason why women not only accept date invites from jerks, but choose to chase after them also.

Low self esteem , they want to nuture the' lost stray puppy dog'.
The hope of changing of them would bring 'control'.

hale_bopp wrote:
]A lot of women want to feel they are attractive, and if a guy panders to her, she's just "meh" and moves on. When a jerk ignores her, she would think "whats wrong with me?" and persist in competing to get or win that jerks affection.

These types are different.
If anyone and everyone in the world doesn't like her, it's the end of the world.......personality disorder?



Tim_Tex
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25 Apr 2010, 8:57 pm

This doesn't really tie into the nice guy vs. jerk issue, but I know someone who is dating a guy and is likely making long-term plans with him when she hasn't dated him long enough, based on very selfish reason for dating him (she doesn't want to give emotional support, and seems to want to be in control over things).


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zen_mistress
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25 Apr 2010, 9:19 pm

It could be a thing where people want "drama" in their life to keep it interesting. Jerks create more "drama" than a nice accepting partner. They make them feel more alive. So I guess it isnt entirely bad news for nice guys, they just have to find other ways to be interesting.


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Tim_Tex
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25 Apr 2010, 9:21 pm

I thought people didn't like drama.

This is very interesting.


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zen_mistress
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25 Apr 2010, 9:23 pm

I love drama!


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Fatal-Noogie
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25 Apr 2010, 9:26 pm

An arrogant yet witty friend of mine with an uncanny talent for insight, relayed to me his observation concerning this stereotype.

He said that jerks get the girls because they ask more often. A sincere or sensitive man will be discouraged by rejection of his advance, and hence linger in despair longer before attempting another advance on another woman. A jerk will brush off his failures and try again sooner. He holds no particular advantage, except his own will and repetitive persistence, and to him is owed inevitable success.

I lack the bulk of experience necessary to confirm or deny my friend's claim, but it seems quite plausible to me.


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25 Apr 2010, 9:28 pm

I rescued my wife from a jerk. So what if that meant I stole her from a fraternity brother? I felt she deserved to be treated like a lady, and I've spent a lot of time UNdoing a lot of damage. But, with the exception of maybe a day or two over the last 10 years, everything was been AWESOME for us.

It has been mentioned that some girls think they can change their men. One of my first really serious long-term relationships that ended badly was one of these. She seemed to fall in love with me because of that whole wild hero thing and her attitude was that she was going to tame me and mold me into whatever she wanted. Um, ok, so WHY did you want to be with me in the first place, again?

My wife and I have had this conversation before. She knows there are a lot of things I want to change about myself, but the most important thing is we recognize that we can't change each other, at least not in any kind of dramatic way. My wife is still the lady I married, and I'm still the slob she married. ;) We don't really want the other person to change, and it has worked our beautifully!



tellyawhat
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25 Apr 2010, 9:38 pm

I agree with some of what has been said but I would add that it is these guys tendency to cause a woman to feel some strong emotion, good or bad, that affects them so much. It's what makes women say that they have chemistry with a certain man.



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