I Gave A Girl The “Syndrome"

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petitefille
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06 Jun 2010, 4:14 am

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She probably wracked her brain trying to figure out what was going on: did she completely misread you; did she completely misunderstand your intentions; instead of the nice guy you seemed to be, were you just trying to mess with her; did you not like her romantically; are you gay....the possibilities are endless. All she knows is that she liked you, she thought you liked her, she gave you "the signal" to ask her out, and you never did. To top that, you didn't blow her off, and maybe you didn't really act any differently toward her in class....you just didn't ask her out.



This is exactly what I have been through with the guy at work. :pale: So true



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06 Jun 2010, 8:07 am

nick007 wrote:
MrDiamondMind wrote:
The Cassandra “syndrome”. And I was never even in a relationship with her. For those who don’t know, the Cassandra “syndrome” is something that happens to an NT who’s partner has AS, and is characterized as having experienced moral distress due to the AS partner.


I guess this explains why lots of Aspeis have problems finding partners. NTs are afraid of getting that syndrome from us :x

We should invent a syndrome for Aspies who wer abused, used or unaccepted by NTs

I have Dork Rejection Syndrome. Women do NOT accept me because I'm a dork & I'm mad at NTs for giving it to me :o


wow, I have Dork Rejection Syndrome too!



sophq
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06 Jun 2010, 8:19 am

nick007 wrote:
I guess this explains why lots of Aspeis have problems finding partners. NTs are afraid of getting that syndrome from us :x


Unfortunately, most NTs don't ever learn about this condition, even after they've become afflicted, so it's definitely not a factor in contributing to why NTs wouldn't want to enter a relationship with AS.

The second time they might want to consider a relationship with an AS? Yes.



poppyx
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06 Jun 2010, 9:09 am

..........



Last edited by poppyx on 06 Jun 2010, 9:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

spooky13
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06 Jun 2010, 11:29 am

HopeGrows wrote:
OP, I don't know jack about "Cassandra Syndrome" - so I can't speak to that. However, I think I can shed some light on what's going on with this girl.

From her perspective, she probably thought you were playing some heavy-duty mind games with her. As you stated, you both got along well, flirted with each other, and communicated well enough that you realized she would have welcomed an invitation to date. But you never extended that invitation.

You know you didn't extend that invitation because you just don't know how to do that. But she has no clue as to why you didn't ask her out. She probably wracked her brain trying to figure out what was going on: did she completely misread you; did she completely misunderstand your intentions; instead of the nice guy you seemed to be, were you just trying to mess with her; did you not like her romantically; are you gay....the possibilities are endless. All she knows is that she liked you, she thought you liked her, she gave you "the signal" to ask her out, and you never did. To top that, you didn't blow her off, and maybe you didn't really act any differently toward her in class....you just didn't ask her out.

So she's left wondering, with a lot of doubts about you, about herself, about why you treated her the way you did - its not a good position to be in. If you really care about her, I think you owe her an explanation. Clearly, you understood that she was frustrated, you understood that she was making all kinds of efforts to engage you - and you chose not to tell her what was going on. That kinda sucks, OP. Even if you couldn't find a way to speak to her about it, maybe you could have written her a note. So, I think you need to figure out why you chose not to tell her what the problem was (knowing that would have at least provided her with a context to understand your behavior). I encourage you to do that soul searching prior to talking to her (if you choose to do that), so that you can take responsibility for your own behavior.

Also, I encourage you not to assume that this girl loves you. I understand that you're associating the look she gave you with the look your mother has given you, but the commonality of that look does not equal love.


I don't understand the whole "Cassandra" thing either. As an aspie woman, I would've felt the same as what Hope described.


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Jono
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06 Jun 2010, 12:11 pm

poppyx wrote:
Erm...

I did say, "clueless aspie, and you're not all clueless."

My fervent hope, for all the married aspies here, is that once you really understand what AS is in relation to an NT partner, and once an NT partner really understands what they have to do to get their needs met outside of the relationship, and once the NT learns to set boundaries so that they don't get messed up by the AS partner..

then no one gets Cassandra.

It's not about having AS. Like being a narcissist or someone with OCD that affects a partner, it's about refusing to work on your issues and harming other people because of it--regardless of whether you personally are an NT or AS, and regardless of whether your partner is also AS.

Your as an AS being rejected by mean NTs is just mean NTs. Sorry about that--clearly, we're not all mean, or I wouldn't be here.


Cassandra isn't even a recognised psychological disorder. I can accept that some AS related things can cause problems in a relationship if the partner doesn't understand them. However, why does that have to have a special name? As from what I understand, and from what other people have told me, there can be problems in relationships in general. Furthermore, there are also other things that can also result in one partners needs being met.



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06 Jun 2010, 2:09 pm

Wif you know she likes you and is waiting for you to ask her then just ask if she wants to get with you that badly then she will probably say yes even if you say it wrong :P


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poppyx
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06 Jun 2010, 2:51 pm

"Cassandra" has a special name because if you're an NT who hasn't gotten certain needs met for years, it's really like you're dying, and no one believes you. "Cassandra" is an "a-ha" I'm not nuts, or at least not that nuts---moment

I know this from personal experience.

(Again, it's not just AS. A relationship with someone who has a severe untreated personality disorder and NO AS would probably do the same thing.)



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06 Jun 2010, 3:03 pm

I had a guy claim I gave him Cassandra, although people usually talk about this 'syndrome' in reference to an AS male/NT female relationship. Before I was formally dx'd, we dated for about two and a half years and were engaged, when he suddenly broke-up with me a month before our wedding date and claimed I was 'sucking all the joy out of his life.'

We actually managed to remain friends (believe it or not!) and when I was dx'd a few years later, he said he thought Cassandra was to blame for everything ranging from why he broke off the engagement to why he had gotten out of shape since college and developed a weight problem.

Personally, I think there will always be discord and hurt in relationships when those involved have significant difficulty understanding each other, but it's dangerous to fall into using Cassandra as a blanket excuse for everything.



poppyx
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06 Jun 2010, 3:22 pm

.....................



Last edited by poppyx on 06 Jun 2010, 9:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

blueroses
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06 Jun 2010, 3:29 pm

It seems like you have a lot of hurt that you are trying to work through, Poppy. There are a number of online support groups for NT partners. Have you ever looked into one of those? It might be cathartic.



poppyx
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06 Jun 2010, 3:38 pm

I like aspies better.

:D

Actually, what I don't get from the NT support groups is any real notion of responsibility for their actions. They insist that it's all the AS person's fault and that there is nothing that can be done about it--except leave the aspie.

Not true.

Cassandra doesn't affect NT people who know what's going on as much. I also disagree with the idea that the only option is to leave the person with AS.

....although it helps with Cassandra if the AS person can admit the effect they have on their NT partner. :)



NeantHumain
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06 Jun 2010, 4:31 pm

The subject of this thread makes "Cassandra's syndrome" sound like an STD. :?



MrDiamondMind
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06 Jun 2010, 6:00 pm

Mouldy wrote:
Wif you know she likes you and is waiting for you to ask her then just ask if she wants to get with you that badly then she will probably say yes even if you say it wrong :P

This was over 2 years ago. And even if it was happening now I still don't know how to "ask someone out". My version of asking her out was me asking her if she wanted to sign up for a similar class with me for next semester.



nick007
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06 Jun 2010, 6:05 pm

blueroses wrote:
It seems like you have a lot of hurt that you are trying to work through, Poppy. There are a number of online support groups for NT partners. Have you ever looked into one of those? It might be cathartic.


I think Poppy is extremely upset about her problems with her guy that had AS & shes assuming incorrectly that all guys with AS are like him. We are NOT all the same.


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Apple_in_my_Eye
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06 Jun 2010, 6:16 pm

nick007 wrote:
blueroses wrote:
It seems like you have a lot of hurt that you are trying to work through, Poppy. There are a number of online support groups for NT partners. Have you ever looked into one of those? It might be cathartic.


I think Poppy is extremely upset about her problems with her guy that had AS & shes assuming incorrectly that all guys with AS are like him. We are NOT all the same.


Which seems to be an unfortunately common phenomenon. The book "Loving Mr. Spock" is one woman's story about ONE guy with AS, yet it's marketed as a "guide to AS relationships." And, I don't know, but I'd bet the originator of "Cassandra syndrome" also is basing everything on ONE guy.

The downside of being the one with the label, I guess. Reminds me of someone saying once that straight people will always have the problem of blaming relationship problems on gender when it's really just individual's bad traits. The label "man" or "woman" makes it too attractive not to want to appeal to "my team" and "your team." Or something.