I Gave A Girl The “Syndrome"

Page 3 of 4 [ 63 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next

Sallamandrina
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Jan 2009
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,590

06 Jun 2010, 8:08 pm

poppyx wrote:
I didn't say only women get it.

I think there is discussion of several men here who think they might have it.


Well, Maxine Aston who came up with it in the first place doesn't diagnose men.

poppyx wrote:
I think I have not been clear: Cassandra is named after a mythological figure who was condemned by the god Apollo to suffer--and have no one believe her.


poppyx wrote:
No one believes us.


I know about Cassandra and I understand how the name got chosen. I also know how frustrating this kind of situation is - most people diagnosed later in life went through the same thing - they've always known something was wrong with them but no one wanted to listen.

poppyx wrote:
I will give you that not all aspies do all of that. However, I would love to ask some of your ex-girlfriends what you're like in a relationship. Most of the male aspies I have encountered have no idea how destructive they are. None at all--it's not like I handed him Rudy Simone's book and said, "This is what you do."


You're probably not talking to me here, as I am a woman. Honestly, I have no idea if my ex boyfriends would think I was destructive - there was no drama in my relationships. I've been with my husband for 8 years, we are very happy and I know he doesn't think I'm destructive. I admit I took extra pains (some very un-romantic I imagine) to know him very well before we got married. None of us knew anything about AS - he thought I was eccentric and loved that. But we really accept and love each other, are a great fit and want the same things in life. The rest is just hard work :lol:

Maybe my post sounded harsh because I've witness directly and indirectly the damage Maxine Aston does. I wasn't attacking you and I have no intention of invalidating your experience. Mine on the other hand is very different.

I'm fascinated by how different the AS man/NT woman and AS woman/NT man relationships seem to be. I tried to ask a few questions about that here but unfortunately the discussion always seems to degenerate...


_________________
"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live" (Oscar Wilde)


poppyx
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 12 May 2010
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 260
Location: Austin, Texas--Where else?

06 Jun 2010, 8:13 pm

Actually, we call NT's who are mean to aspies "bullies".

And they should be called that...but that's obvious, so there is no need to write a book.

I think the point in writing about Asperger relationships in a negative way is that, if you were an NT or an ASand you knew what to expect, one of two things would happen.

1.) the NT or AS would not engage in a relationship with an AS person in the first place, so no fault no foul.

2.) existing relationships would not get destroyed by all the misunderstandings that occur.

Seriously, if people knew what to expect and how to deal with it, many fewer AS/AS or NT/AS relationships would self-destruct.

It's not knowing that is so destructive--not the negative stuff that is being said.



poppyx
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 12 May 2010
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 260
Location: Austin, Texas--Where else?

06 Jun 2010, 8:16 pm

Sallamandr...

I'm very glad you're in a happy relationship. That gives me hope.



Last edited by poppyx on 06 Jun 2010, 8:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

poppyx
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 12 May 2010
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 260
Location: Austin, Texas--Where else?

06 Jun 2010, 8:26 pm

Sallamandr.

I have a question: you said you had seen first hand the destruction caused by Maxine Aston.

Would you mind elaborating?

That sounds important.



MrDiamondMind
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 13 Mar 2010
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 371
Location: Encapsulated within a skull; covered in sheets of skin

06 Jun 2010, 8:28 pm

poppyx wrote:
Actually, we call NT's who are mean to aspies "bullies".

And they should be called that...but that's obvious, so there is no need to write a book.

I think the point in writing about Asperger relationships in a negative way is that, if you were an NT or an ASand you knew what to expect, one of two things would happen.

1.) the NT or AS would not engage in a relationship with an AS person in the first place, so no fault no foul.

2.) existing relationships would not get destroyed by all the misunderstandings that occur.

Seriously, if people knew what to expect and how to deal with it, many fewer AS/AS or NT/AS relationships would self-destruct.

It's not knowing that is so destructive--not the negative stuff that is being said.

Problems that arise out of not knowing is exactly what it means for problems to arise out of xenophobia - when dealing with people, of course.



Last edited by MrDiamondMind on 06 Jun 2010, 9:42 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Sallamandrina
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Jan 2009
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,590

06 Jun 2010, 8:52 pm

poppyx wrote:

I have a question: you said you had seen first hand the destruction caused by Maxine Aston.

Would you mind elaborating?

That sounds important.


I live in UK not very far from her. I know and sometimes work with people in education/special education and other areas that are sometimes connected with autism. She's pretty famous around here and I'm often bothered by the way some otherwise educated and reasonable people adopt stereotypes (that she promotes - like AS people are selfish, cold, don't commit etc) without doing their own research. This creates a certain image and most of us have to be very careful who we tell we have AS as this will make a lot of people assume some pretty stupid things about as.

Second, I've met women (and heard of some) who go to see her or read her site and then decide that their AS partners are to blame for all the problems they have as a couple or think that only they should change or make compromises because they're the "defective" ones. You said yourself that both partners should make an effort - people won't be willing to do that if they are told only the other one is at fault.

poppyx wrote:
I'm very glad you're in a happy relationship. That gives me hope.


Thank you. I hope you'll find what you need - it doesn't necessarily have to be an aspie :)


_________________
"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live" (Oscar Wilde)


HopeGrows
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Nov 2009
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,565
Location: In exactly the right place at exactly the right time.

07 Jun 2010, 1:04 am

poppyx wrote:
Seriously, if people knew what to expect and how to deal with it, many fewer AS/AS or NT/AS relationships would self-destruct.

It's not knowing that is so destructive--not the negative stuff that is being said.


@Poppyx, I think that's part of the problem: there isn't a valid "cookie cutter" approach regarding what to expect in an AS/NT relationship. I haven't read Rudy Simone's book, but I can tell you that I disagree with several of the bullet points you've excerpted from her work.

There are commonalities among Aspies in terms of disabilities, but the degree to which Asperger's impacts an Aspie's life can't be easily defined. There are so many influences, like the severity of the disability; the person's family background; age at diagnosis/awareness of ASD; psychological problems/trauma; mental illness; degree of support provided....the list goes on an on. Lots of Aspies have been traumatized because they weren't diagnosed until later in life, or even if they were diagnosed earlier in life, they were bullied (inside and outside of the home). That bullying experience alone will screw a person up. So if you put an Aspie and an NT through a dysfunctional, abusive "raised by wolves" childhood, they're both going to come out of it scarred. And that scarring is going to work itself out in unhealthy ways when it comes to relationships - for both the Aspie and the NT. The end result is that not every unusual behavior exhibited by an Aspie partner is due to his/her Aspieness.

For me, it comes back to what I've said in the past: the key is not just about being aware that a partner is ASD - its about understanding the problems in the relationship that are ASD (probably not modifiable), and the problems that are non-ASD (can be helped, healed, modified, etc.). That's a very complicated task, and takes unflinching honesty and incredible commitment from both partners. It also requires a willingness from both partners to assess and modify behaviors that aren't healthy.


_________________
What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful...


zen_mistress
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Jun 2007
Age: 46
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,033

07 Jun 2010, 3:42 am

Well I can say that I have been out with 4 AS guys. OUt of those 4, only one of them I would say is an emotionally distant person.

The other 3- two were very affectionate and one was a little less but still could be called demonstrative. The one who is more distant I would say even affectionate in some ways. I also went out with another guy who was emotionally distant, but he was NT.

I can see how a woman may have difficulty with an emotionally distant man if she is not distant herself, but emotional distance-ness and AS often dont come in the same package.

All 4 were very into their interests or routines in one of the cases, but I thought that was normal so I wasnt bothered... I guess an NT woman may find it pretty baffling though and posibly feel rejected in favour of the interests.

Personally, I prefer to date AS men, they are in the same realm as me somehow.


_________________
"Caravan is the name of my history, and my life an extraordinary adventure."
~ Amin Maalouf

Taking a break.


hale_bopp
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Nov 2004
Gender: Female
Posts: 17,054
Location: None

07 Jun 2010, 3:49 am

Hows the other guy a "prick" when you could have talked to her but didn't?



hale_bopp
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Nov 2004
Gender: Female
Posts: 17,054
Location: None

07 Jun 2010, 3:51 am

The reality is NT partners DO get upset and frustrated with their AS other half.

I just look at my parents for that example. I've frustrated the f*ck out of NT guys because of my aspergers.

Also if you know this girl is "in love with you" why don't you ask her out? Sounds more like you're playing mind games with yourself.



MrDiamondMind
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 13 Mar 2010
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 371
Location: Encapsulated within a skull; covered in sheets of skin

07 Jun 2010, 4:33 am

hale bopp wrote:
Hows the other guy a "prick" when you could have talked to her but didn't?

He's a prick for reasons that have no relevance to this discussion. Rest assured, I'm not calling him that because she spoke to him.
hale bopp wrote:
Also if you know this girl is "in love with you" why don't you ask her out? Sounds more like you're playing mind games with yourself.

This was over 2 years ago. I haven't seen her since 2008. And even if it was happening now I still don't know how to "ask someone out". My version of asking her out was me asking her if she wanted to sign up for a similar class with me for next semester.



hale_bopp
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Nov 2004
Gender: Female
Posts: 17,054
Location: None

07 Jun 2010, 4:50 am

Are you sure it wasn't a dillusion?

I'm not calling you crazy, we all have them (think someone's in love with us when in reality they aren't)



MrDiamondMind
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 13 Mar 2010
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 371
Location: Encapsulated within a skull; covered in sheets of skin

07 Jun 2010, 5:19 am

hale_bopp wrote:
Are you sure it wasn't a dillusion?

I'm not calling you crazy, we all have them (think someone's in love with us when in reality they aren't)

There were all the usual flirting gestures like hair flicking, smiling, laughing, wrist flashing, etc. And at one point there was even a slight "aww", as in cute. If you couple flirting gestures with a cute gesture, is that not strong evidence for romantic affection?



Cad
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 17 May 2009
Gender: Female
Posts: 486
Location: Between zinc and mercury

07 Jun 2010, 5:35 am

hale_bopp wrote:
Hows the other guy a "prick" when you could have talked to her but didn't?


I agree Hale_Bopp... i had an NT screw me around like you're screwing this girl around. It's got nothing to do with being an aspie, I've got NT friends who are afraid to ask people out / flirt with people back. I think most people, NT or aspies have trouble with relationships at some point in time. If this happened in 2008, why are you bringing it up now? (sorry if I missed something in the post)



hale_bopp
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Nov 2004
Gender: Female
Posts: 17,054
Location: None

07 Jun 2010, 5:58 am

MrDiamondMind wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
Are you sure it wasn't a dillusion?

I'm not calling you crazy, we all have them (think someone's in love with us when in reality they aren't)

There were all the usual flirting gestures like hair flicking, smiling, laughing, wrist flashing, etc. And at one point there was even a slight "aww", as in cute. If you couple flirting gestures with a cute gesture, is that not strong evidence for romantic affection?


Are you aware that some girls do that all the time and to everyone of the opposite sex? I know of a lot, its a common trait of NT girls, and its air headed if you ask me. I used to delude myself into thinking guys were "checking me out" when they wern't.



MrDiamondMind
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 13 Mar 2010
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 371
Location: Encapsulated within a skull; covered in sheets of skin

07 Jun 2010, 5:59 am

Cad wrote:
I agree Hale_Bopp... i had an NT screw me around like you're screwing this girl around.

I wasn't screwing around with her; I didn't know what to do. How is that me screwing with her?
Cad wrote:
If this happened in 2008, why are you bringing it up now? (sorry if I missed something in the post)

Since I found out about this Cassandra effect in NT/AS relationships recently, I recognized the symptoms in this girl. And I just wanted to put it out there that this effect arose in her, due to my ASness (and her NTness), without us ever even being in a relationship.