I Gave A Girl The “Syndrome"

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Which seems to be an unfortunately common phenomenon. The book "Loving Mr. Spock" is one woman's story about ONE guy with AS, yet it's marketed as a "guide to AS relationships." And, I don't know, but I'd bet the originator of "Cassandra syndrome" also is basing everything on ONE guy.

The downside of being the one with the label, I guess. Reminds me of someone saying once that straight people will always have the problem of blaming relationship problems on gender when it's really just individual's bad traits. The label "man" or "woman" makes it too attractive not to want to appeal to "my team" and "your team." Or something.

You didn't "give" her anything because there's no such thing as Cassandra Syndrome. It's not a recognised condition and it's not backed up by any scientific or remotely adequate research. It was invented by a woman called Maxine Aston - a marriage and couple counsellor who has no experience whatsoever with autism. It's also completely absurd that only women are supposed to suffer from it - if indeed the problems the NT partner experiences would be caused strictly by the other one's AS it should affect men just as much. But she does a lot of damage and makes a lot of money because she figured a very simple truth - tell your clients that their partner is the only one to blame for all the couple related problems and you hit gold - most people would do almost anything to avoid taking responsibility.

I'm sure a lot of NT and aspies are deprived or suffer abuse in their relationship. Except for some extreme cases the problems that appear in a couple are the direct responsibility of both partners. Insufficient of flawed communication, lack of compromise and the desire to mould the other one to fit your every desire seem to be very common even in NT/NT relationships. Admitting your own faults or that you chose your partner unwisely is painful and requires an effort most aren't willing to make. So they just take the easy way out and believe they have a bogus condition that will allow them to pity themselves and deny their own mistakes.

* Just in case I didn't make it clear enough I'm sure there are plenty of women who suffer emotional abuse and other serious issues because of their partner's behaviour. I don't think this happens strictly because said partner has AS but I can see how this can make certain things worse. I've seen plenty of posts in the L&D forum that made me want to run for the hills, so I'm starting to understand the other side a little bit better. But these men are not necessary assh@les because they have AS, nor should they take blame for everything because of it. Try to know your partner a little bit better before you decide to get married and have children and you'll save yourselves and others a lot of grief.

sounds like a BS syndrome

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Last edited by poppyx on 06 Jun 2010, 9:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don't understand what difference it would make if the Aspie is undiagnosed or not. Lots of Apsies here do not have offical diongoses myself inluded but I fit all the traits. I am willing to put forth the effort, compromise ect to make a relationship work. At the same time I know a couple Aspeis with official diagnoses who would not be willing to compromise. Even thou a person may be undiagnosed; the NT mite could really understand em & make it work but some NTs may be aware that their partner has AS & they still do not care or take the effort into it.

As for the book goes; I think the author is being influenced by NTs negative attitude & lack of understanding & acceptance towards her AS issues. She started to believe that she is the problem.

Right, which is why I put "syndrome" in quotation marks, like this: Cassandra "Syndrome". However, the draining effect that an AS partner has on an NT is still real. NTs don't drain each other so quickly and apparently. The Cassandra "Syndrome", I think, is something that arises due to some sort of weak xenophobia.

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Last edited by poppyx on 06 Jun 2010, 9:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Then it's possible that she is refusing to take any responsibility for her own issues & may of been unwilling to compromise. I think people should take responsibility instead of blaming each other for all their problems. That book is for NTs who want to play the blame game.

Cassandra is not about "weak xenophobia". You guys aren't even remotely frightening.

Basically, to someone who doesn't GET what AS is, they can do bad things without meaning to...um...specific example....my aspie got mad if I called him after working hours (like three times in three months) and before our appointed "time" to tell him that I cared about him.....and then proceeded to tell me that there was something wrong with me (threatened to break up with me, actually), because it made him feel indebted.

No amount of insisting that was normal behavior would make him stop lecturing me.

Which does beg another question: are some aspies just raised by wolves? How many of you (yes, YOU) would lecture an NT for being affectionate? Is there some other comorbid disorder there, and that's what people are writing books about?

In defense of Aston. She is the most sympathetic of the major authors. She is not telling people to blame their partners. In fact she has a workbook with lists of tasks for the NT to avoid Cassandra.

Rudy Simone, again, has a list of things to do. None of these people are saying it's all the AS' partner's fault. In fact, they talk about what to do when the AS partner won't talk about it.

All they're trying to do is validate their own experience and that of their clients.

AS is a serious neurological difference. Why would it be so hard to believe that it might cause some serious relationship problems?

Are you really telling me that your NT/AS girlfriends have never "mysteriously" broken up with you or expressed confusing amounts of frustration.

The irony here is that all of it is workable, if there is understanding.

NTs can also do lots of bad things towards Aspeis yet I am unaware of any so called disorders or syndromes for Aspeis who wer hurt because of NTs. Having a so-called syndrome for NTs who wer hurt seems totally unfair & one sided

I really take offense with the comment about Aspires being raised by wolves. It comes off sounding like an insult towards Aspies

Actually, it just occurred to me that we're not having the same conversation:

Here is a list of Rudy Simone's "22 Things"...and remember, she is an aspergirl. Please confirm or deny.

1.) There Will Be Loneliness.

2.) There Will Probably Be No Public Displays of Affection (actually not my personal experience)

3.) Labels and Romantic Expectations Make Him Nervous.

4.) He Will Take You and the Relationship For Granted.

5.) Communication Will Always Be a Challenge (Includes lying, defensiveness and blaming.) Ahem.

6.) There Will Be Shock (at bad behavior)

7.) Your Man May Not Be There for You In a Crisis

8.) Many AS Males Can Have Bad Tempers and Explode at the Slightest of Things (Not limited to physical violence--can be verbal, in my experience.)

9.) He May Get Depressed and Be Completely Inert

10.) Time Holds a Different Meaning for Him Than It Does for You

11.) Even If He Loves You, You May Not Get a Commitment.

She also talks about compartmentalizing relationships and blaming the NT partner for being "manipulative" if they try to keep the relationship going. (Check, and check.)

Discuss.

Nick, I didn't mean YOU.

You weren't raised by wolves. However, clearly someone was, and that's who they are writing books about--maybe not just aspies. Maybe it's aspies with comorbid narcissistic personality disorder?

Again, no offense to aspies who have a clue. (That means you, Nick.)

Go look up "xenophobia" before you make a comment like that. It seems that you may very well be xenophobic; at least a little bit.

I think some NTs wer raised by woloves as well but I bet if I wer to write a book about it; some people would be very offended

Well, Maxine Aston who came up with it in the first place doesn't diagnose men.





I know about Cassandra and I understand how the name got chosen. I also know how frustrating this kind of situation is - most people diagnosed later in life went through the same thing - they've always known something was wrong with them but no one wanted to listen.



You're probably not talking to me here, as I am a woman. Honestly, I have no idea if my ex boyfriends would think I was destructive - there was no drama in my relationships. I've been with my husband for 8 years, we are very happy and I know he doesn't think I'm destructive. I admit I took extra pains (some very un-romantic I imagine) to know him very well before we got married. None of us knew anything about AS - he thought I was eccentric and loved that. But we really accept and love each other, are a great fit and want the same things in life. The rest is just hard work

Maybe my post sounded harsh because I've witness directly and indirectly the damage Maxine Aston does. I wasn't attacking you and I have no intention of invalidating your experience. Mine on the other hand is very different.

I'm fascinated by how different the AS man/NT woman and AS woman/NT man relationships seem to be. I tried to ask a few questions about that here but unfortunately the discussion always seems to degenerate...