How much do you think you stand out as different to others?

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Willard
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08 Jun 2010, 2:53 pm

I wasn't diagnosed until the age of 49. I've known all my life that I wasn't like everybody else, but I made my best effort to fit in as well as I could and behave enough like everyone else to get along. It seemed to work reasonably well, most people didn't treat me like a total freak, and I managed to skate by on the fringes of the peer group - not ostracized, but never fully accepted, either. That was okay, I didn't have the social skills or desires to really be in the middle of the 'popular' group.

Once I entered the work force, I got on okay with my immediate peers, but the more Alpha-management type personalities absolutely hated me - I couldn't keep a job for more than about 15 months at a stretch, even though I was recognized as highly talented in my field. I had a few friends, all of whom were social misfits like myself.

Shortly before my career finally fell apart once and for all, I met a woman at work whom I later married. After I'd been fired from that job and was puzzling over what happened - I had been 'thrown under the bus' by a couple of coworkers I had thought (in my Aspergian naivete) were rather good friends, at least people I trusted. My wife then told me "I'm not surprised by that at all. When I first started working there, every time you left the room they went on about how weird you were." I had known she didn't particularly like these people, but until then I didn't know why. Point being, I think that sort of thing has probably gone an around me all my life and I was just oblivious to it. So I don't think its really possible for an Aspie to know for sure how we appear to those around us.

No matter how 'normal' we think we're acting, we are missing the capacity to recognize a lot of nonverbal social cues, so how can we ever know if we're mimicking all the right ones at the right times? How can you know the people around you aren't sending each other "What a dork!" messages to each other that you don't even notice?

When I was diagnosed, there were a few people I'd know for many years who would say things like: "Really!? Autism? You've always seemed so normal to me."But what that actually means, I've come to realize, is: "Autism? That's retardation - you never seemed ret*d to me."

The people who've known me well for a long time didn't seem shocked at all. It was as if they've always known there was something wrong with me, but didn't have a name for it, so they just said nothing. I can't count the number of people over the years who, trying to carry on a conversation with me while I swayed from side to side and stared at the floor, asked me "Do you have to do that all the time? What are you, Autistic?" Funny thing is, when they asked, they were kidding. When I answered "Yeah, I think so - lil bit." I wasn't.



MotownDangerPants
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08 Jun 2010, 3:04 pm

"Fake Aspie" here, LOL, but seriously...I'd say I do come of as "different" to most people, and that's on my GOOD days. People just tell me I'm different, they usually mean it in a good way and I become very close with those people, or they just think I'm weird, I can tell the difference.

On my bad days or for months on end when I have more Aspie traits for whatever reason I can look like I'm on another planet. I just seem very spaced out and I have a lot of anxiety, I have a VERY hard time with eye contact. The rest of the time I guess I just seem eccentric/quirky but kind. I've never been anything like what you see on TV, much closer to the stereotype as a child though. I spoke VERY fast, I didn't really speak for people to understand me and I was hardly aware of what I was saying. I also stood with my legs bent almost all the way back if I wasn't scolded to stand up straight.

The only time I've ever felt or appeared completely normal was when I was medicated.



serenity
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08 Jun 2010, 4:37 pm

anbuend wrote:
Here is a blog post I made on this topic. It's long so I won't repost here.


I had a lot of the same experiences that you wrote about. I was the stiff, overly-formal, dorky kid (and adult for that matter) but I was also accused A LOT of being on drugs. I still am. At first when people meet me, I'm not sure what they think, but I don't think it's wholly negative. For example, my 12 yo daughter mostly has male friends, and the first 2 times or so that they met me they were apparently enamored with the way I look. By the third time they had met me, one of them told my daughter that I acted like "a ret*d on drugs" because I was "spacey". It's not the first time that I've heard that comment, so I didn't get worked up about it. Comments like that used to make me cry a lot, though.

I also went through the jewelry stage, where I piled on necklaces, and rings. It was partly to do with being physically pleasing, at least to me anyway. It was during my strange hippie obsession. I would collect hippie clothes, and jewelry from everywhere I could. Though, I would mix modern pieces with authentic hippie jewelry. I'm sure that didn't help stop people from thinking that I was on drugs.

I was also 'passed off as' being crazy, and put into mental hospitals more than once. It's amazing how much rocking can seem like a threatening behavior to the staff in places like that.

So, yeah... I have no illusions that I pass as NT, and that I must be uber- mild, because this, that, or other. Though, I don't know how I come across to others, it seems that it depends who is doing the looking. People seem to see whatever they personally want to based on their own lives, and experiences when they're looking me.



clumsybee
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08 Jun 2010, 5:24 pm

I stand out a lot compared to other people, and it's never in a good way. The few times I've been caught on film others have commented how awkward and strange my body/voice was/is. I remember being laughed at for it by my French teacher many years back.



ManErg
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09 Jun 2010, 9:18 am

I often wonder about this. It is related to the question of how can you ever know that you are missing these signals that are apparently being used by others? Did you miss it or was there really nothing there at all?

In my 20's, I would probably have come across as much more positive about forming friendships, being part of a circle of close friends. By my 30's, they had all drifted away, and there was *something* going on that I can only guess at. Mostly, I felt I was a bona fide member of the group. But occasionally, I would get a strange feeling that I was not a fully paid up member after all. That I cared more for them than anybody did for me. I had to make most, if not all, initiation efforts. When friends initiated contact with me they would want something, a lift, somewhere to stay. All very vague and shadowy, many of those people were deep friends for life, I *thought* I was part of that, bit evidently not. Looking back, I must have always stood out as different, far more obviously than I realised.

These days, I have not a clue. :? I'm sure everybody sees something different about me. Beyond that, I have no idea what they really think.

Willard wrote:
So I don't think its really possible for an Aspie to know for sure how we appear to those around us.
No matter how 'normal' we think we're acting, we are missing the capacity to recognize a lot of nonverbal social cues, so how can we ever know if we're mimicking all the right ones at the right times? How can you know the people around you aren't sending each other "What a dork!" messages to each other that you don't even notice?


Yes, this describes how I feel about this. Sometimes it makes social stuff unbearable due to the second- and third- guessing going on. You can't really trust other people to give you honest feedback, either. As a child, I had almost continual negative feedback about myself, mostly from other children. Over time this faded, so I assumed I had improved and fitted in better. Of course, in reality, adults are less overtly spiteful than children and it is just not 'appropriate' for adults to be bluntly honest with each other.

It is probably as much due to this reluctance for adults to show overt contempt, than any significant improvement. Whatever, I still find myself just totally guessing as to whether I'm doing something wrong in a social situation and I have no idea what others really think of me.


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ToughDiamond
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09 Jun 2010, 10:09 am

I seem to blend in quite well. Probably because I usually pick unusual people as friends and I avoid homogenous groups and "standard" events that "everybody" loves. I probably wouldn't last long in a mainstream environment.

I told a couple of people recently that I have AS......they were surprised and said I had it very well hidden. One of them was kind of relieved that I was a bit weird....just glad that they wouldn't stand out as the strange one. So they told me about how they'd once been heroin addicts, followed by great surprise that knowing that didn't make me want to back off.



Todesking
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09 Jun 2010, 10:25 am

I have been told by friends I make people nervous, Sometimes I notice people smirking at me like they did in high school when they talk to me. Another friend told me sometimes I come of as a cross between Frankenstein and Lenny from Of Mice and Men then say sometimes that is brillant and unexespected. I always stand out like a turd in punch bowl I guess.



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09 Jun 2010, 7:34 pm

to be honest, i have no idea.

i often hear things like "it's not so bad" and "smile" and "are you always this serious??" (which has the effect of making me more withdrawn) and have been told i was intimidating or people thought i hated them, etc. so clearly when i am not bending over backwards to be "expressive" i can be very off-putting, and i am aware of it, but i sometimes don't have the energy to respond any differently.

so it's possible i appear to be normal, but aloof or rude; i imagine that people just attribute this to my character, but maybe they know something's up. "strange" is a given, as i have really never tried to appear anything but. so i rarely hear that.

i do escape into my head frequently around other people, and i doubt there's any way this could not be apparent, as i will spontaneously laugh unprovoked and that kind of thing.


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delphine
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09 Jun 2010, 7:56 pm

Homeless people on the street have told me to smile.

I think people, animals that they are, have certain animal instincts and senses that are not logical, and they can unconsciously pick us out and know that we are not like them.



katzefrau
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09 Jun 2010, 8:08 pm

a very obvious aspie (i think) sat down next to me outside of a coffee shop a day or two ago. he asked me a question and sounded completely normal. but the minute i looked at him, we both got shaky and dodged eye contact at the same time like wrong magnet parts being shoved together, and it was a startling recognition. without another word he got up and left. i noticed as he was walking away that he had a very robotic gait.


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happymusic
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09 Jun 2010, 8:09 pm

I think I blend in, but people tell me I'm different and I often notice people staring at me which makes me feel self-conscious. I did notice someone doing something I usually do as a what I thought was an inconspicuous escape...just a little way I get absorbed into something very small...and I was completely taken aback. I think it might really stand out as odd.

I don't know, really. There's something off.



Dernhelm23
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09 Jun 2010, 8:33 pm

Having just found out that I am an Aspie and have had the diagnosis since I was a kid but didn't know it, and actually NEVER considered that it could be the case, I always felt as though I came across as "normal" but also always knew that people always considered me different. I never knew why and always thought there was something wrong with the world. So now that I know what to look for and am noticing things that could give people an impression of being somehow "off," it seems like I have always been different, that my perception of myself was inaccurate. Quite comforting now that I know, if you ask me. ^_^



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09 Jun 2010, 8:49 pm

For the most part, I blend in but job interviews have always been difficult to the point where I didn't get the job even though I looked great on paper. When I was growing up, my differences made me a target of bullying from students and one teacher. I don't remember that teacher being a bully, but my mom did, and I only had her towards the end of the year when the teacher I had went on maternity leave.


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Matt88
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09 Jun 2010, 8:55 pm

I think I blend in pretty well to most people. Most people don't even notice my strangeness. When someone really gets to know me though then Im sure they probably notice Im extremely shy, strange and somewhat eccentric.



Blaise
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09 Jun 2010, 9:03 pm

I think I stick out like the proverbial sore thumb.

I have been told by many people many times that when they first saw me, they sensed there was something different about me.

I think I actually stick out more when I try to blend in.


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09 Jun 2010, 9:16 pm

It's difficult to know, because no one will give a straight answer except my shrink, who only sees me when I'm comfortable anyway.

I'll try to evaluate myself from an outside perspective, despite having a poor grasp of what's normal.

I don't look people in the eye. I won't say that I never make eye contact, just that it's quite rare. I suppose I could come off as insecure, especially because I like to keep quiet when presented with bad news. I know enough to know I come off as shy.

I probably also give off a vibe I don't really know about but hypothesize must exist with my poor hygeine and stims. I would say I almost look like a ret*d, but I don't think anyone keeps that impression because when I'm nervous I use latinate words and excessively formal constructions and by the time I've gotten comfortable, I think it's pretty obvious that I'm intelligent. (I'm always being told that I am, anyway.)

With my attempts to nonverbally convey emotion, I think I do okay. I naturally use facial expressions appropriate to my emotions nearly as often as NTs. With people close enough for physical affection, I'm skilled at comforting people with my hands (that came out wrong). I have a workable understanding of friendship (which leads me to try to turn every relationship into a friendship, because I don't understand other relationships) and a good understanding of emotions.

I think it's possible if someone saw me on the street, they'd guess I'm a ret*d, but that to those who know me, I seem intelligent but clueless. Definitely off, except to my immediate family, who just seem blind to it. With slightly less immediate family, I think I come off as really smart, but painfully shy and introverted.


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