Culling friends, one way friendships and regaining friends

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TigerFire
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15 Apr 2006, 10:19 pm

emp wrote:
TigerFire wrote:
there's something in me that keeping saying over and over if I don't get my self attached to some girl that I'll lose her.


I fully believe that this observation about yourself (that there is something in you telling you this thing) is correct because it fits the results so well, but it is not good at all to be hearing this in your mind (your observation is correct, the belief itself is not). I think you have helped yourself merely by recognizing it -- that was the first step. Now the next step is to realize that this thought process is NOT true and it is ruining your relationships. So work on eliminating or changing it, and then you should have more success in retaining relationships.

You think you will lose her if you do not get yourself attached, BUT in reality the opposite! It is the very fact that you get yourself attached (too early and too strong) that causes you to lose her ! But with practise and determination you can fix this incorrect thought process.


Yeah you're right I know I should change my thought processes but since I have this Anxiety Disorder I seem to worry a whole lot. I know it on my part that I might be pushing girls away because of my fears but I don't see how I can change that. I fear change.


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scousered
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17 Apr 2006, 7:22 am

I was shocked that Tigerfire detected some hidden agenda behind Fiz mentioning a friemdship that pisses her off but she does not want to cull right now.
I am suprised that this thread turned into a personal dilemma between Fiz and Tigerfire. I thought Fiz was adressing everyone . But it seems that either she was misunderstood and TigerFire took it personal or Fiz is too diplomatic to be upfront & wanted to save Tigerfire's face.. Did you, Fiz?

When i need someone's friendship badly i want to give and take, so I try and want to (and do) understand and take part and help in the friend's problems



TigerfIre, people like pleasure, not pressure. Give a girl (bout not only a girl) space. Be attentive and caring and interested but not overtly-pushy so, but lightly-casually so. Build an acquaintance/casual friendship first and go on from there, always a step at a time, don't rush it, don't be a clinging vine. I know this easier said than done & I have my problems too, esp. with distance and space.
Ok, first: do not pm a friend sooner or more often than your friend does. He or she might not like it. You can talk it over but better leave the hard talk for major things or even your friend wishes not to talk about such puny matters.


Fiz, i think it's a poor argument if a friend responds to your culling them " But i need you", They should ask themselves what they have to offer for you and what you have from them and what they can give to you,.
If they needed your friendship (so badly) why didn't they repay and reward you?
Their response shows that they haven't grasped the idea of friendship with its mutuality & see in a friend someone who lalways alikes & feeds & supports & helps them but they are dependent and unable. It's more like a mother-child relationship.


Repay ad reward comes in a friendship naturally out of a feeling of mutual respect-sympathy& etc, it does not take "calculalating".



Z
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20 Apr 2006, 4:53 pm

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I even went so far as to take their mobiles off them and erase my number from them. Now they have no way of contacting me and they will never be able to take me for an idiot again, what a relief.


The problem I have with wanting to "cul" friends is that they could quite easily get my mobile number from a friend we share.

In fact I guess that problem extends beyond the mobile number. I don't have many close friends, but they do have more friends, some of whom I do not like so much. But I can't "cul" them and expect to keep the friends who I do value and value me.



Fiz
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20 Apr 2006, 5:11 pm

scousered wrote:
I was shocked that Tigerfire detected some hidden agenda behind Fiz mentioning a friemdship that pisses her off but she does not want to cull right now.
I am suprised that this thread turned into a personal dilemma between Fiz and Tigerfire. I thought Fiz was adressing everyone . But it seems that either she was misunderstood and TigerFire took it personal or Fiz is too diplomatic to be upfront & wanted to save Tigerfire's face.. Did you, Fiz?



I was addressing everyone, this thread had nothing to do with TigerFire, it was just a general thing, the people of whom this thread concerns have been dealt with, the one way friendship has been sorted and is all well and good, I did the right thing by leaving it, its all ok.

The other two regained friendships are going sweet which is cool. And I have ensured that I will never hear from the culled individuals again which is even better.



scousered
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20 Apr 2006, 6:03 pm

Oh why did Tigerfire take this personal . Mind boggles. Oh not, I know why- TigerFire seems to think that he is at the heart and core of everyone's attention - negative attention . as if TigerFire was craving attention at all cost, tree to the motto: Only no attention is bad attention.. Ah i better shut up i get carried away & lead myself asstray and go on waffling to no end...

This attention craving may be unconscious/subconscious.



beentheredonethat
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20 Apr 2006, 7:21 pm

Tigerfire:
Chill out or (I assure you) burn out. Relax. Stop being depressed, you're probably a very worthwhile person. Everyone needs frends. Not everyone has them, and not every one who does is afraid of losing them.

Write a long post to us of what else you're interested in. What do you like, who are you? That kind of stuff. Then girls (or guys if you want them as friends) have something to be interested in.

'cmon, Tigger, cheer up.

Lots of fish er friends in the sea.

Best
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Hu3
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22 Apr 2006, 11:31 am

I had one particular "friend" that I culled. He was a ...sociopath? he'd tell people hurtful lies about me and would manipulate me into doing what he wanted. He knew what he was doing and loved to see me in misery. Although when I cut him off he promised to make my life a "living hell" and made sure I was outcasted for the remainder of my time at that place, it felt so so so good because he wasn't in control of me personally anymore.



TigerFire
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22 Apr 2006, 12:09 pm

beentheredonethat wrote:
Tigerfire:
Chill out or (I assure you) burn out. Relax. Stop being depressed, you're probably a very worthwhile person. Everyone needs frends. Not everyone has them, and not every one who does is afraid of losing them.

Write a long post to us of what else you're interested in. What do you like, who are you? That kind of stuff. Then girls (or guys if you want them as friends) have something to be interested in.

'cmon, Tigger, cheer up.

Lots of fish er friends in the sea.

Best
beentheredonethat


I'm currently now trying to become great friends with wolfgurl. Thanks


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AceOfSpades
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30 Apr 2006, 6:30 pm

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Anubis612
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30 Apr 2006, 7:43 pm

I have done so. There was a group of friends that I associated with the last 2 years. When I first met them, I believed that they liked me, but I never realized that they had teased me behind my back just about all the time, and when a real friend of mine told me this, I refused to believe it. This became even more obvious the next year when they began teasing me right in my face. I thought it was all just silly kidding, but it really wasn't. It became out of hand late last year, and I decided to just forget about them entirely. So, I would say that I was succesful in culling them. It truly does hurt to realize that people are capable of manipulation for a laugh.



Keeno
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01 May 2006, 9:44 pm

I'll be the first to admit I'm desperate too. Fortunately, I'm not imposing or forcing that desperation on anyone, neither will I ever do.

I culled a 'friendship' too, at the New Year. Indeed, it was a New Year resolution and I'm pleased to be able to say I've kept it. It was one of these one-sided friendships too, at least the communication was. And the communication was all bad news, all doom and gloom, all unhealthy obsessions, all bad influence etc. etc.

It's just as well - he's a guy who goes to my church. But instead of believing, it seems to be his mission to lead people astray and scaremonger people. People are getting angrier at him week by week, and feelings are running high about him because of the unhealthy attitudes he brings. Quite understandably I'm hearing many people at church say they hate him. They are Christians referring to him by the word "hate" but it's understandable. So, it's just as well I got out.