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CatGuy2
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18 Jun 2010, 9:44 am

I have been professionally diagnosed with AS, and I'm not happy with that. I was told that I lack social reciprocity, and that I have a limited understanding of emotions. At first I accepted this, but the more I think about my report, the more I have decided that it doesn't sound like my true self.

So this week I have been testing myself with some online resources, and the results are surprising. On one test, looking at eyes only and guessing the emotion, I scored on the high end of normal. On another test, for emotional intelligence, my score in some areas was at the genius level, 150. It turns out that I'm picking up on the emotions of myself and the people around me all the time, and I can't process it all. Too much.

One other thing about myself that has been a mystery all my life is I find myself crying during movies, at weddings, even during the evening news on TV. I think about how other people are suffering sadness or feeling joyful, or some emotional extreme I can relate to, and I feel deeply connected to them, and the next moment I feel the tears start to flow. This experience I have frequently must be related to my high emotional intelligence and inability to process all the emotions I'm flooded with. So why did the Asperger's Test I paid so much for fail to reveal this side of me... in fact the testing found the opposite of who I know I am.



eon
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18 Jun 2010, 9:54 am

Sounds like that's just looking at the outcome. A good diagnosis should probably be backed up by core explanations for causes, not the outcome. My wife has been diagnosed with social anxiety because of something that sounds similar to what you describe. She gets too much emotion. She gets overloaded in public. And so she's also a good fit for me as I rarely give off emotion proactively, but sometimes she'll think I'm angry or sad in response to something (where she's expecting an emotional change to measure her success) when I'm just still deliberating.


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18 Jun 2010, 10:09 am

I hope that you feel better, soon. :)


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marshall
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18 Jun 2010, 11:23 am

CatGuy2 wrote:
I have been professionally diagnosed with AS, and I'm not happy with that. I was told that I lack social reciprocity, and that I have a limited understanding of emotions. At first I accepted this, but the more I think about my report, the more I have decided that it doesn't sound like my true self.

So this week I have been testing myself with some online resources, and the results are surprising. On one test, looking at eyes only and guessing the emotion, I scored on the high end of normal. On another test, for emotional intelligence, my score in some areas was at the genius level, 150. It turns out that I'm picking up on the emotions of myself and the people around me all the time, and I can't process it all. Too much.

One other thing about myself that has been a mystery all my life is I find myself crying during movies, at weddings, even during the evening news on TV. I think about how other people are suffering sadness or feeling joyful, or some emotional extreme I can relate to, and I feel deeply connected to them, and the next moment I feel the tears start to flow. This experience I have frequently must be related to my high emotional intelligence and inability to process all the emotions I'm flooded with. So why did the Asperger's Test I paid so much for fail to reveal this side of me... in fact the testing found the opposite of who I know I am.


You are not alone. I feel the same way sometimes.

I think clinical professionals have a rather poor understanding of what is truly at the root of autism. The variability is too high with respect so some symptoms, especially at the "high functioning" end of the spectrum. While there is definitely some grain of truth to the claim that we "lack emotional reciprocity" the true meaning is muddled. The professional descriptions of "what autism is" from their external clinical perspective are never entirely satisfying with respect to my own personal experience.

My own personal theory is that some of us merely lack a kind of instinctual programmed emotional responsiveness when dealing with daily run-of-the-mill social interaction. Sometimes NT social responsiveness is so instinctual, so automatic, that it often bears little weight on a deeper emotional level. Yet I think most people, AS and NT alike, are so accustomed to this kind of responsiveness in people that we grow to expect it, regardless of whether there is any deeper emotional sincerity associated with it. Not displaying certain expected social behaviors that demonstrate a superficial level of engagement simply makes people uncomfortable. At least I know that I have enough of these "NT" instinctual expectations that I might get uncomfortable interacting with some AS people. It's only then that I realize some of the things that I don't do, or forget to do socially. So in a sense I can see it from both sides.

I think the kind of thing I discussed in the paragraph above is fairly universal with autism. However, many of us do connect with and understand emotions on a deeper level even if our instinctual behavior is missing or impaired. I think if you read enough posts on this board you'll realize that there are some extremely intuitive and emotionally insightful aspies out there. However it seems to me like a lot of these insightful people are doubtful about their own abilities and don't trust their own instincts due to lack of social confidence and/or lack of successful experiences with people (where the failure happened for different reasons than they think). When people get told be a professional that they are inept at understanding others emotions they are sometimes too quick to believe it. At least this is my belief.

I guess my main point is that there is a huge variability and many factors are as largely dependent on personality and personal strengths/weaknesses as they are on autism itself.



CatGuy2
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18 Jun 2010, 11:44 am

Marshall,
I enjoyed reading your post. I feel you connect with me, and that you have worked on the same things I am working on. If it's not too personal, I'd like to ask you about your diagnosis. In the routines and rituals section of the DSM-IV criteria for Asperger's, do you identify any of those characteristics in yourself? I'm struggling with this myself. I have a high IQ and I'm creative and an inventor, so I tend to dig deep into subjects, but I can walk away from these special interests without them filling my every thought and without them being central in interactions with people. I feel balanced. I don't have any physical movements I repetitively do. I don't have nonfunctional routines, and I don't focus on the parts of objects. Are we the same or different in this respect?



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18 Jun 2010, 12:20 pm

CatGuy2 wrote:
I have been professionally diagnosed with AS, and I'm not happy with that. I was told that I lack social reciprocity, and that I have a limited understanding of emotions. At first I accepted this, but the more I think about my report, the more I have decided that it doesn't sound like my true self.

So this week I have been testing myself with some online resources, and the results are surprising. On one test, looking at eyes only and guessing the emotion, I scored on the high end of normal. On another test, for emotional intelligence, my score in some areas was at the genius level, 150. It turns out that I'm picking up on the emotions of myself and the people around me all the time, and I can't process it all. Too much.

One other thing about myself that has been a mystery all my life is I find myself crying during movies, at weddings, even during the evening news on TV. I think about how other people are suffering sadness or feeling joyful, or some emotional extreme I can relate to, and I feel deeply connected to them, and the next moment I feel the tears start to flow. This experience I have frequently must be related to my high emotional intelligence and inability to process all the emotions I'm flooded with. So why did the Asperger's Test I paid so much for fail to reveal this side of me... in fact the testing found the opposite of who I know I am.


+100


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marshall
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18 Jun 2010, 12:37 pm

CatGuy2 wrote:
Marshall,
I enjoyed reading your post. I feel you connect with me, and that you have worked on the same things I am working on. If it's not too personal, I'd like to ask you about your diagnosis. In the routines and rituals section of the DSM-IV criteria for Asperger's, do you identify any of those characteristics in yourself? I'm struggling with this myself. I have a high IQ and I'm creative and an inventor, so I tend to dig deep into subjects, but I can walk away from these special interests without them filling my every thought and without them being central in interactions with people. I feel balanced. I don't have any physical movements I repetitively do. I don't have nonfunctional routines, and I don't focus on the parts of objects. Are we the same or different in this respect?

Can identify with them as a child? Definitely. Now? Somewhat less, but they are still there. I find the clinical terminology a little disparaging though. I wouldn't refer to my interests as "non-functional routines and rituals". I simply had an unusual intensity in which a pursued certain interests. As a child I was extremely curious, but at the same time extremely demanding. Once I had my mind on something I was extremely insistent about it. I had numerous temper tantrums that mostly centered around being thwarted with regards to my current obsession.

How do you deal with transitions? If you're looking forward to something and there's suddenly a change of plans do you feel like your world is falling apart? I still have trouble with this. NT's just never seem to be as emotionally invested in things as I am and can deal with disappointments and "flies in the ointment" much more gracefully.

Yet at the same time I can't fully comprehend what it would be like to be an average NT. Someone who lacks my intensity, yet still finds pleasure and purpose in life. For the last 4 years I've been dealing with a particularly bad bout of clinical depression and sometimes I feel like I'm not even the same person I used to be. Now I feel more like an NT, with broader interests, more social ability, etc... yet I lack the intensity I used to posses and there's a profound emptiness in it's place. I don't know what to make of it and currently I'm really struggling hard to figure myself out.

Hope this is helpful. I'm trying not to talk about myself too much as I really want to hear your story too.



Willard
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18 Jun 2010, 12:53 pm

What the clinical descriptions are referring to is lack of emotional understanding and reciprocity in individual interpersonal relationships, not an inability to feel anything at all - of course we experience elation and depression as easily as anyone else, and may in fact be as hypersensitive emotionally as many of us are to sensory stimuli.

What they mean is, that in personal intimate relationships we frequently miss nonverbal cues that should tell us how to respond to a friend, relative or partner's emotional needs and even when we do, we may not know exactly what to do or how to deal with the situation, therefore seem cold, aloof and uncaring.

Our ability to respond or react emotionally to the world at large is, IMO no different than anyone else's - in fact, because we tend to see the world from a slightly askew perspective may sometimes be much more intense than the average. The amount of internal alienation I've experienced due to my social ineptitude has, I feel, actually made me extremely emotionally sensitive, but no more intuitive.

There was a scene in an episode of LOST (pthooey!) in which Daniel Faraday was watching a news report of airplane crash fatalities on television - no one he knew, in fact, unbeknownst to him the whole thing was a fake - when he began weeping uncontrollably. When asked why he was crying he could only respond "I don't know." Been there, done that.



Jaydog1212
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18 Jun 2010, 3:01 pm

Before I got diagnosed with aspergers I thought I didn't have it because I am emotional. I assumed incorrectly that a relative flat outside appearance matched a flat emotional inside. I don't think I look emotional on the outside. I don't cry uncontrollably. I may look "calm as a cucumber" on the outside but be an emotional anxiety-ridden mess on the inside. If I don't feel any release or I can't escape a stressor I eventually POP. I want to flee and get the hell out of WHATEVER I'm in. If it's a job, I am looking for an exit strategy. If it's a social thing, I'm looking for the exit. I think the traditional NT approach is "fake it until you make it". This strategy hasn't worked for me.

I scored low on the emotional IQ test. Sometimes I know I'm anxious or sad/emotional and don't know why. I have to arbitrarily try things to see if it changes my mood.



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18 Jun 2010, 5:28 pm

Jaydog1212 wrote:
I may look "calm as a cucumber" on the outside but be an emotional anxiety-ridden mess on the inside. If I don't feel any release or I can't escape a stressor I eventually POP. I want to flee and get the hell out of WHATEVER I'm in. If it's a job, I am looking for an exit strategy. If it's a social thing, I'm looking for the exit. I think the traditional NT approach is "fake it until you make it". This strategy hasn't worked for me.


I second that emotion.



CatGuy2
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18 Jun 2010, 6:02 pm

marshall wrote:
How do you deal with transitions? If you're looking forward to something and there's suddenly a change of plans do you feel like your world is falling apart? I still have trouble with this. NT's just never seem to be as emotionally invested in things as I am and can deal with disappointments and "flies in the ointment" much more gracefully.


How do I handle transitions? Here is a good example of a big change of plans that happened a few months ago. Part of my job is to work with a group of engineers in India. I decided at one point I needed to travel to India and work in their office for a week - my first trip there. I live in the US. My goal was to make sure they were trained correctly, and that they had all the equipment they needed to do their jobs. For many weeks I was arranging childcare and the care of plants and pets, planning what to bring, lining up airfare and hotel. I told all my friends I was going to India for the first time. I checked the weather and made sure I packed the right clothes, etc. It was exciting as I left for the airport. At check-in, I was told I needed a visa to enter India. Oops. My office assistants forgot to check on this. I could not believe it. I talked with the agent at check-in for about 5 minutes and realized I was not going to travel to India any time soon. So I went back home and explained the situation to the family and how stupid I felt. I repeated the same at work and to all my friends. Did I feel like the world was falling apart. No. I felt sad I wouldn't be going to India that week. I felt stupid for all the time and energy I wasted by not doing my homework on the visa. The company made it easy for me. They realized the new stripped down travel policy had a hole... if people buy their own tickets, put a system in place to check on visas, etc. That is probably the biggest transition I have experienced recently, besides my wife saying she is leaving me, and I feel I'm handling both pretty well. This tale has a happy ending. I went to India weeks ago, and it was wonderful, both for my time in the office and for the weekend trip I took seeing the countryside and the temples and the food. I will go back any time.



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18 Jun 2010, 7:47 pm

CatGuy2 wrote:
I have been professionally diagnosed with AS, and I'm not happy with that. I was told that I lack social reciprocity, and that I have a limited understanding of emotions. At first I accepted this, but the more I think about my report, the more I have decided that it doesn't sound like my true self.

So this week I have been testing myself with some online resources, and the results are surprising. On one test, looking at eyes only and guessing the emotion, I scored on the high end of normal. On another test, for emotional intelligence, my score in some areas was at the genius level, 150. It turns out that I'm picking up on the emotions of myself and the people around me all the time, and I can't process it all. Too much.

One other thing about myself that has been a mystery all my life is I find myself crying during movies, at weddings, even during the evening news on TV. I think about how other people are suffering sadness or feeling joyful, or some emotional extreme I can relate to, and I feel deeply connected to them, and the next moment I feel the tears start to flow. This experience I have frequently must be related to my high emotional intelligence and inability to process all the emotions I'm flooded with. So why did the Asperger's Test I paid so much for fail to reveal this side of me... in fact the testing found the opposite of who I know I am.


The following possibilities exist:

1. You were misdiagnosed
2. You were diagnosed correctly, but the professional who diagnosed you has a limited view of Aspies. Don't accept his limitations just because he has a diploma on the wall of his office.

I think Aspies come in many shapes and sizes. A one size fits all description is simply not correct.

ruveyn



marshall
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18 Jun 2010, 9:41 pm

CatGuy2 wrote:
marshall wrote:
How do you deal with transitions? If you're looking forward to something and there's suddenly a change of plans do you feel like your world is falling apart? I still have trouble with this. NT's just never seem to be as emotionally invested in things as I am and can deal with disappointments and "flies in the ointment" much more gracefully.


How do I handle transitions? Here is a good example of a big change of plans that happened a few months ago. Part of my job is to work with a group of engineers in India. I decided at one point I needed to travel to India and work in their office for a week - my first trip there. I live in the US. My goal was to make sure they were trained correctly, and that they had all the equipment they needed to do their jobs. For many weeks I was arranging childcare and the care of plants and pets, planning what to bring, lining up airfare and hotel. I told all my friends I was going to India for the first time. I checked the weather and made sure I packed the right clothes, etc. It was exciting as I left for the airport. At check-in, I was told I needed a visa to enter India. Oops. My office assistants forgot to check on this. I could not believe it. I talked with the agent at check-in for about 5 minutes and realized I was not going to travel to India any time soon. So I went back home and explained the situation to the family and how stupid I felt. I repeated the same at work and to all my friends. Did I feel like the world was falling apart. No. I felt sad I wouldn't be going to India that week. I felt stupid for all the time and energy I wasted by not doing my homework on the visa. The company made it easy for me. They realized the new stripped down travel policy had a hole... if people buy their own tickets, put a system in place to check on visas, etc. That is probably the biggest transition I have experienced recently, besides my wife saying she is leaving me, and I feel I'm handling both pretty well. This tale has a happy ending. I went to India weeks ago, and it was wonderful, both for my time in the office and for the weekend trip I took seeing the countryside and the temples and the food. I will go back any time.


I couldn't dream of doing that. :( I'm an emotional wreck though. I don't do stress.



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19 Jun 2010, 2:56 am

marshall's post was great. Willard's too.

i've heard the term "intense world syndrome" .. in other words, it can be seen as feeling (or at least hearing / seeing) everything too intensely and sometimes having to withdraw.

i've read .. probably thousands? of posts here on WP and other writing (memoirs, blogs) by people on the spectrum and guess what? we're not robots. we're on a different level than most - not better, not worse. and also very different than one another.

among posts i've read here were some unbelievably insightful and kind words toward people who were hurting or needed advice. rather than scripted comforting, real depth of the heart advice & understanding.

so your diagnosis (if correct) doesn't mean you're a total uncaring bastard who's never realized it (although you may be perceived that way at times ... )


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