Social Cues vs. Non-verbal Cues?

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Not a specific example, but a generalised, perhaps exaggerated scenario about conversations, based on things I have come across over the past months. (I was previously oblivious to all of it, so it's still speculative.)

It appears that it may be inappropriate to tell people anything unless they inquire about it. To do so is considered arrogant, vain, big-headed, whatever. So what you have to do is convey the fact that you have something to say, and this is done by body language and expression. So you portray a certain state, happy, sad, angry, until someone enquires. At which point you can reveal your information, but it must be done as part of a reciprocal exchange, at least initially.

A notices that B keeps scanning the room with a big smile on her face.
A: "B, you look happy."
B: "I am." smug grin
A: "Do tell."
B: "Well, if you want to know ..." slightly downcast look
A: "Yes, definitely."

This to-ing and fro-ing can go on a while, until eventually B tells all, and A makes appropriate comments and approving noises. What B has to say might actually be quite mundane, compared to all the preceding negotiations.

Of course, in some situations, a little bit of the above is politeness, to see if someone else has time and interest. But it can be a required ritual, especially in clique situations, with the person who considers themselves superior, and therefore most deserving of attention, being the one to string out the interaction.

If initial facial expressions etc are not noticed, it is acceptable to do things to draw attention to yourself, for example, noisy paper shuffling, extravagant sighs, even to the extent of comments such as "No-one ever notices me." or noisy stomps and door-slamming. (Hence attention-seeking, which I think distress and melt-downs are often interpreted as.)

It is also acceptable to engage someone, even a stranger, in inconsequential small-talk, but leading them to the point where they enquire about what it is you wish to say.



If I have something to say, I say it, or I keep it hidden. And if someone wants me to know something, I expect them to tell me. If they don't, then I assume they don't want me to know.

Which gives a different scenario:

C, finally notices that B is getting really irritating, shuffling things around, making unnecessary noise. (C has completely missed any preceding 'signals'.)

C: "Is there a problem?" quick glance at B
B: "Well ..."
C: "What's up?" said kindly, turning towards B.

B, frustrated at the effort it took to get attention, and taken aback by the abrupt response, rapidly blurts out something in order to keep C's attention. C listens. B, not getting any signals, carries on, but gets a bit incoherent, then stops. C thinks, makes a constructive observation. B is confused, doesn't say any more. C turns away and probably wanders off.

Sometime later C comes back. B doesn't say anything, but C thinks there may be a distinct chill in the air. This is odd, since C thinks they had a very productive chat earlier.
C concludes people can be incomprehensible.