How to stop myself from being a stalker



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Bugzee
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Fri Jul 30, 2010 7:50 pm

Since there is a lot of talk about stalking, I was wondering, could I become a stalker too? I mean I have Aspergers, so my brain already isn't wried right. I don't want to become a creep, I just want to be as normal as possible. And a stalker is not what I want to be



Last edited by Bugzee on Fri Jul 30, 2010 8:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Xenu
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Fri Jul 30, 2010 7:56 pm

Don't become too attached to any human being. Ever! Even if you are in an committed relationship or marriage never become overly attached. Because if you do become attached it can grow and grow into an obsession and then can lead to stalking.



Bugzee
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Fri Jul 30, 2010 7:59 pm

Xenu wrote:
Don't become too attached to any human being. Ever! Even if you are in an committed relationship or marriage never become overly attached. Because if you do become attached it can grow and grow into an obsession and then can lead to stalking.


But how can you avoid becoming attached? If your married its hard not to become attached to someone.



hutchscott
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Fri Jul 30, 2010 8:07 pm

There is a certain "zen" quality to always letting go, and then if the person really loves you they will come back.

I stalked someone when I was in college. It was not good.

Don't google their name. Don't stalk their Facebook page.

Also, I find that parents don't like me hanging around their kids, so be aware, avoid kids.



DW_a_mom
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Fri Jul 30, 2010 10:13 pm

Sorry if I'm a skeptic because I'm not sure this is a serious question ...

Still, I'll answer it seriously.

It is never healthy to allow the thought of someone to take over your mind to the point where you start to feel there are things they must know or must do. It is never healthy to be so interested in someone else's life that you want to prevent having any encounters with them, or to prevent others from having encounters. Or the opposite; to feel you must be in that life. If you want to control someone else, you cannot have a healthy relationship with them of any sort, and that includes platonic ones. If it drives you to create sockpuppets and play games, it isn't healthy. If thinking of someone makes you fill up with unmet need, it isn't love.

Any of those situations: You may think it is about the other person, but none of it is; it is all about some unmet need in yourself. So what do you do? Get some counseling.


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Bugzee
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Fri Jul 30, 2010 10:16 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
Sorry if I'm a skeptic because I'm not sure this is a serious question ...

Still, I'll answer it seriously.

It is never healthy to allow the thought of someone to take over your mind to the point where you start to feel there are things they must know or must do. It is never healthy to be so interested in someone else's life that you want to prevent having any encounters with them, or to prevent others from having encounters. Or the opposite; to feel you must be in that life. If you want to control someone else, you cannot have a healthy relationship with them of any sort, and that includes platonic ones. If it drives you to create sockpuppets and play games, it isn't healthy. If thinking of someone makes you fill up with unmet need, it isn't love.

Any of those situations: You may think it is about the other person, but none of it is; it is all about some unmet need in yourself. So what do you do? Get some counseling.


My question is serious, but in reality its got me thinking: Are Aspies more sceceptible to stalking than the general population? I mean, a lot of Aspies don't deal with rejection well, so would a lot of Aspies then take up stalking against their interest who has rejected them?



DW_a_mom
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Fri Jul 30, 2010 10:21 pm

Bugzee wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
Sorry if I'm a skeptic because I'm not sure this is a serious question ...

Still, I'll answer it seriously.

It is never healthy to allow the thought of someone to take over your mind to the point where you start to feel there are things they must know or must do. It is never healthy to be so interested in someone else's life that you want to prevent having any encounters with them, or to prevent others from having encounters. Or the opposite; to feel you must be in that life. If you want to control someone else, you cannot have a healthy relationship with them of any sort, and that includes platonic ones. If it drives you to create sockpuppets and play games, it isn't healthy. If thinking of someone makes you fill up with unmet need, it isn't love.

Any of those situations: You may think it is about the other person, but none of it is; it is all about some unmet need in yourself. So what do you do? Get some counseling.


My question is serious, but in reality its got me thinking: Are Aspies more sceceptible to stalking than the general population? I mean, a lot of Aspies don't deal with rejection well, so would a lot of Aspies then take up stalking against their interest who has rejected them?


Some members here have speculated on that, but as someone who considers herself more NT than AS (or some combination), I don't think it's appropriate for me to join in such a conversation; I don't think you all want me to. Not because you might not like my thoughts, but because this should be the AS member's thoughts. All I can do is comment on how to get a clue when one has crossed the line.


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Bugzee
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Fri Jul 30, 2010 10:33 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
Bugzee wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
Sorry if I'm a skeptic because I'm not sure this is a serious question ...

Still, I'll answer it seriously.

It is never healthy to allow the thought of someone to take over your mind to the point where you start to feel there are things they must know or must do. It is never healthy to be so interested in someone else's life that you want to prevent having any encounters with them, or to prevent others from having encounters. Or the opposite; to feel you must be in that life. If you want to control someone else, you cannot have a healthy relationship with them of any sort, and that includes platonic ones. If it drives you to create sockpuppets and play games, it isn't healthy. If thinking of someone makes you fill up with unmet need, it isn't love.

Any of those situations: You may think it is about the other person, but none of it is; it is all about some unmet need in yourself. So what do you do? Get some counseling.


My question is serious, but in reality its got me thinking: Are Aspies more sceceptible to stalking than the general population? I mean, a lot of Aspies don't deal with rejection well, so would a lot of Aspies then take up stalking against their interest who has rejected them?


Some members here have speculated on that, but as someone who considers herself more NT than AS (or some combination), I don't think it's appropriate for me to join in such a conversation; I don't think you all want me to. Not because you might not like my thoughts, but because this should be the AS member's thoughts. All I can do is comment on how to get a clue when one has crossed the line.


You shouldn't be hessitant to voice your opinion just because your NT; I am sick of how only Aspies can comment on the issue of Autism and everyone else better shut up.



DW_a_mom
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Fri Jul 30, 2010 10:54 pm

Bugzee wrote:

You shouldn't be hessitant to voice your opinion just because your NT; I am sick of how only Aspies can comment on the issue of Autism and everyone else better shut up.


That sounds like the statement of someone who does not consider themselves to be autistic.

I can choose to be respectful of what I perceive as potential sensitivities of the membership. My choice; I'm not being badgered in any way. But when I'm in someone else's house, so to speak, I think it is common courtesy to give some thought to what those who live there will or will not feel good about. That is how I choose to conduct myself; it isn't anything for you or anyone else to be sick about, since I'm hardly under duress. If all those who live there are truly dying to hear my opinion, they can just say so.


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jdcnosse
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Fri Jul 30, 2010 11:02 pm

I'm probably borderline NT/AS, or at least one of the more milder cases, but I've had my periods of "stalking." The worse part of it was I didn't even realize I was stalking until someone told me...

I agree with most people here though, don't ever get too attached to someone that they become one of your obsessions. Especially if the person doesn't like you the same way you like them. If you're not good friends with them, you don't need to call them every day. Also don't talk about them a lot to other people unless you're actually in the relationship with them.



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Fri Jul 30, 2010 11:33 pm

All I know is don't call the person too much or follow them around. Same as sending them lot of emails and IMs. But I don't know where I would draw the line. It seems to be more common in autistic men to be accused of stalking. I have never heard of any cases about autistic women being accused of stalking.

There is a three strike rule about women, you can ask them out three times and if they decline every time, you don't ever ask them out again. I wouldn't even contact them ever again just to chat nor follow them just to chat. I wouldn't even talk to them unless they come and talk to me.



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Sat Jul 31, 2010 3:47 am

If you find that another human is becoming your 'special interest' make some ground rules for yourself. Decide how much contact is normal and how much would be likely to creep them out, make a set limit and stick to it. Make a rule about not looking them up on the net or visiting them. Try and distract yourself with other interests, view it as a self disapline exercise like giving up any addiction.



DW_a_mom
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Sat Jul 31, 2010 1:09 pm

lotusblossom wrote:
If you find that another human is becoming your 'special interest' make some ground rules for yourself. Decide how much contact is normal and how much would be likely to creep them out, make a set limit and stick to it. Make a rule about not looking them up on the net or visiting them. Try and distract yourself with other interests, view it as a self disapline exercise like giving up any addiction.


I have a question. Do you think there is any healthy way for a human being to be a special interest? I really don't think my husband considers me one; wouldn't having interest in someone to be at that level be more like objectifying the person and, thus, there would never be a way to have a healthy relationship? I guess what I wondering is if it is wise to reduce or limit contact, or if it's time to just admit that this isn't meant to be and cut off all contact.


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lotusblossom
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Sat Jul 31, 2010 1:20 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
lotusblossom wrote:
If you find that another human is becoming your 'special interest' make some ground rules for yourself. Decide how much contact is normal and how much would be likely to creep them out, make a set limit and stick to it. Make a rule about not looking them up on the net or visiting them. Try and distract yourself with other interests, view it as a self disapline exercise like giving up any addiction.


I have a question. Do you think there is any healthy way for a human being to be a special interest? I really don't think my husband considers me one; wouldn't having interest in someone to be at that level be more like objectifying the person and, thus, there would never be a way to have a healthy relationship? I guess what I wondering is if it is wise to reduce or limit contact, or if it's time to just admit that this isn't meant to be and cut off all contact.


I think it is largly out of ones control what becomes a special interest, but you can control (or try at least) how you behave. I think it would be terrible outcome if someone had a relationship with someone they had an obsession with. I suspect this is why a lot of AS/NT relationships turn sour as the lady is flattered with the interest from the AS chap, they get married but then he gets a different interest and the relationship dies.

I think cutting out all contact depends on the situation, as the person could be a colleague or person at college or friend. I think the key thing is to logically work out how much would be normal contact with that person and not let yourself contact them more than that.

I have quite a lot of insight though so Im not sure how helpful my advice is, the aspies Ive known who tended to get obsessed with people lacked insight and had no clue on what was ok or appropriate (even down to not stopping when people called police).



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Sat Jul 31, 2010 1:30 pm

I get called a stalker all the time. It annoys me and makes me feel bad.



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