NT's misinterpreting me and twisting my words

Page 1 of 2 [ 17 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

cnidocyte
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 7 Aug 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 147

12 Aug 2010, 1:35 pm

I explained to my family that I don't like talking and despite them knowing I have ASD they still took offense to it and later claimed that I said that I don't like people. There is a big difference between not liking talking and not liking people. I do like people I just don't like talking to them. I like talking to them if theres something to talk about but talking for the sake of talking is painful for me. It goes against my nature, I don't talk BS and although its considered polite or whatever the f**k, its not my nature. I tell them I'm an introvert and they think I'm saying I'm a misanthrope. I don't allude to things, I say it as it is, its a petty these bastards don't understand that.



KaiG
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 10 Jul 2010
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,045
Location: Berkshire, UK.

12 Aug 2010, 1:41 pm

It's enough to make you misanthropic, eh?


_________________
If songs were lines in a conversation, the situation would be fine.


cnidocyte
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 7 Aug 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 147

12 Aug 2010, 1:45 pm

Just saying a lot of people mistake my dislike of socializing for dislike of people. I like people but I don't like socializing. I doubt too many people here have a hard time understanding that.



adifferentname
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jan 2008
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,885

12 Aug 2010, 2:21 pm

Misrepresentation of my views, my feelings, my words and my philosophies has been a major bone of contention for me. I really hate when people take it upon themselves to make decisions about me based on a single sentence, or when they infer something from a clear statement that is spurious and baffling.

But the worst of all are those who choose to do so deliberately despite being explicitly asked to take your words at face value. Few things are more hurtful.



dyingofpoetry
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Apr 2010
Age: 60
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,202
Location: Fairmont, WV

12 Aug 2010, 2:24 pm

cnidocyte wrote:
I explained to my family that I don't like talking and despite them knowing I have ASD they still took offense to it and later claimed that I said that I don't like people. There is a big difference between not liking talking and not liking people. I do like people I just don't like talking to them. I like talking to them if theres something to talk about but talking for the sake of talking is painful for me. It goes against my nature, I don't talk BS and although its considered polite or whatever the f**k, its not my nature. I tell them I'm an introvert and they think I'm saying I'm a misanthrope. I don't allude to things, I say it as it is, its a petty these bastards don't understand that.


My experience is that people don't misinterpret what we say; it is that they will choose to employ an interpretation that fits their agenda. If you say one thing and they assume something else from it, then it is because they want to give you that label for selfish reasons.
If I say that I enjoy listening to my heartbeat through a stethoscope and those around me say, "Oh, you must want to be a doctor!" then it's obvious that they want me to study medicine and that they want a doctor in the family.

It's not a misinterpretation, it's the projection of their needs onto you. If they are calling you a misanthrope, then that is obviously the label they prefer... probably to let you know where your place is and to keep you in it, probably to narrow your social needs and so they can happily keep you hidden and they don't have to worry about you embarrassing them socially. So, congratulations... to your family you are a misanthrope and they will no longer feel the need to invite you anywhere.


_________________
"If you can't call someone else an idiot, then you are obviously not very good at what you do."


Ancalagon
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Dec 2007
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,302

12 Aug 2010, 2:29 pm

cnidocyte wrote:
Just saying a lot of people mistake my dislike of socializing for dislike of people. I like people but I don't like socializing. I doubt too many people here have a hard time understanding that.

People are jumping to a conclusion that would be accurate most of the time. It may be annoying, but it is reasonable from their point of view.


_________________
"A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it." --G. K. Chesterton


lostD
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Dec 2008
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 560

12 Aug 2010, 3:16 pm

cnidocyte wrote:
I explained to my family that I don't like talking and despite them knowing I have ASD they still took offense to it and later claimed that I said that I don't like people. There is a big difference between not liking talking and not liking people. I do like people I just don't like talking to them. I like talking to them if theres something to talk about but talking for the sake of talking is painful for me. It goes against my nature, I don't talk BS and although its considered polite or whatever the f**k, its not my nature. I tell them I'm an introvert and they think I'm saying I'm a misanthrope. I don't allude to things, I say it as it is, its a petty these bastards don't understand that.


I have this problem too, it's even worst since I haven't been diagnosed for this kind of thing. I have a friend who is exactly like me and she understands what I mean so I guess people misinterpret what you say because they don't react that way when it comes to socializing and tend to think everyone is like that.
It's funny that AS are said to lack empathy while most of the time, people's so-called empathy is an illusion based on what they feel themselves (though they are good at reading body language and using it properly I guess).

Basically, everyone who enjoys socializing will assume that you have to be asocial or even worse (etymologically speaking) a misanthrope.

It's just like telling someone that you are afraid of not recognizing them because you are face blind makes them think that you don't care at all and are a robot. :lol:



Rose_in_Winter
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Sep 2009
Age: 47
Gender: Female
Posts: 741
Location: Kansas City, MO

12 Aug 2010, 3:19 pm

I'm an introverted aspie who is married to an extrovert NT. This makes our conversations very strange at times; I often have to remind him to just come out and say things, because I take things at face value (e.g. "Why is there no liner in the trash can?" does not come across as "You need to come here and put a liner in the trash can," even though he means that). He often bewilders me by getting furious at comments I consider innocuous (e.g. assuming I'm criticizing him when I complain about the cable going out, when I'm just disappointed I can't watch the show I wanted to). I don't consider him to be twisting my words to fit an interpretation he wants -- who wants to think their spouse is criticizing them, after all? It's simply that there are a lot of people who would be criticizing his choice to switch to cable by saying, "Stupid cable is out again!" They may not realize how manipulative that is -- in fact, they may not even mean to be manipulative!

The majority of the world are NTs who talk in a roundabout way. He forgets that I don't do that; I am pretty much incapable of mindgames or double-talk. This makes chitchat hard on me, same as the OP mentioned. If there's an interesting subject at hand, I usually have plenty to say, most of it well thought-out. I have opinions and ideas I'm willing to share. But I never know what to say after, "Hello, how are you?" Since I'm often at a loss for conversation, some people find me off-putting...fortunately, my family are all introverts (although I'm the only aspie). My parents are very aware of what AS is and how it impacts my life. They know I'm not misanthropic -- I simply don't do well around strangers or crowds. Maybe you could try rephrasing, "I don't like to talk," as "I'm uncomfortable around strangers because I'm unsure what to say." It's a gentler, more NT-friendly way of saying you don't like to talk unless there's a real conversation going on! (When I meet strangers, I generally remind myself to talk less, and listen more. Most people, NT or otherwise, are perfectly willing to go on and on to a good listener and come away thinking you're a really cool, interesting person!)



pgd
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jul 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,624

12 Aug 2010, 3:34 pm

Yes, there are some things in life which can be challenging to deal with:

- Fibs (aka lies)

and

- Misinterpretations, twisting of words.

Tend to make a mental note of it.



Booyakasha
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 Oct 2009
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,898

12 Aug 2010, 5:28 pm

cnidocyte wrote:
I explained to my family that I don't like talking and despite them knowing I have ASD they still took offense to it and later claimed that I said that I don't like people. There is a big difference between not liking talking and not liking people. I do like people I just don't like talking to them. I like talking to them if theres something to talk about but talking for the sake of talking is painful for me. It goes against my nature, I don't talk BS and although its considered polite or whatever the f**k, its not my nature. I tell them I'm an introvert and they think I'm saying I'm a misanthrope. I don't allude to things, I say it as it is, its a petty these bastards don't understand that.


I don't get it how they don't get it either - they will do basically anything for the sake of social approval, impressing the neighbours and competing who has the better car/wife/house/yacht as if those are their extensions.

They are the true misanthropes since they basically care only about their own reputation, use people as means to achieve their goals, and are ready to ostracise, harass and mistreat anyone who disagrees with such pointless and vain games of climbing the social ladder.



Willard
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Mar 2008
Age: 64
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,647

12 Aug 2010, 6:00 pm

cnidocyte wrote:
I explained to my family that I don't like talking and despite them knowing I have ASD they still took offense to it and later claimed that I said that I don't like people. There is a big difference between not liking talking and not liking people. I do like people I just don't like talking to them. I like talking to them if theres something to talk about but talking for the sake of talking is painful for me. It goes against my nature, I don't talk BS and although its considered polite or whatever the f**k, its not my nature. I tell them I'm an introvert and they think I'm saying I'm a misanthrope. I don't allude to things, I say it as it is, its a petty these bastards don't understand that.




This is exactly the sort of nonsense that led to my dislike of people. :eew: :thumbdown: :evil:



Hodor
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Mar 2008
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 907
Location: England

12 Aug 2010, 6:10 pm

Hmmm yes, the problem is that people who aren't on the spectrum can't understand why we find socialising difficult and exhausting. Now, before anyone waggles their finger at me and says 'But Hodor, you're NT bashing!' I'll qualify that statement by saying that the opposite is true. We can't understand why 'normal' people find socialising natural and energising.

It's like a clash of cultures. When you're living in a foreign culture, you have to adapt as much as you can, but it certainly helps if some people in the dominant culture learn to accept your differences.

Sometimes I have absolutely no inclination to socialise, even if I'm at a party when I'm meant to be social. Nobody understands why I'm like that sometimes, and I know I frustrate my close friends when I'm having one of my asocial days, but I can't entirely blame them for misunderstanding me. My NT friends don't even think: 'I love socialising and hanging out with friends, so it must be true for everyone' because the thought of socialising being anything other than fun wouldn't even cross their minds.


_________________
"Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig."


Booyakasha
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 Oct 2009
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,898

12 Aug 2010, 6:29 pm

It's like interacting with another specie - and the only thing they have on their side is sheer number.

The more I know about their customs the more meaningless they seem, and the less I care about their opinion, approval, pity or sympathy.

The knowledge of social games is needed mostly for survival (in terms of getting a job) - otherwise it's like watching some weird play set on a medieval stage, full of forced laughter, cruelty, vanity and dramatic effect.



Dox47
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Jan 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 13,577
Location: Seattle-ish

12 Aug 2010, 6:48 pm

I'd like to ad that this is far from a sin unique to NTs, spend a little time in PPR and you'll see more willful misrepresentation and out of context quoting going on than the average Fox newscast. I can also vouch from my experience running a social club for Aspies, if anything we have more problems with people reading things into what someone else said and taking offense than I normally see at NT dominant social events, just because we tend to be blunt and not pick up on social cues, even amongst ourselves it leads to plenty of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. I've seen a lot of bitter disappointment from Aspies over the years that think that socializing with a roomful of similar people will be like finding their tribe; I still think it's worth the effort but it's not the solution so many seem to think it will be.


_________________
“The totally convinced and the totally stupid have too much in common for the resemblance to be accidental.”
-- Robert Anton Wilson


Michhsta
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Dec 2009
Age: 50
Gender: Female
Posts: 501
Location: Australia

12 Aug 2010, 8:30 pm

Ah dear one, I hear you.

I am a misanthropic cynic from way back :wink: (as well as being an introvert, sorry 8) be careful of misanthropy. It can get you by the short and curlies!!)

After 36 years of people misconstruing and twisting my words, I got a T-shirt made.

"I say what I mean and I mean what I say".

Then there is no question. I understood what you meant and in time your family will too.

Take care of your precious self.

Mics


_________________
Jimmy cracked corn, and I don't care.
http://thedemonrun.wordpress.com/


Last edited by Michhsta on 12 Aug 2010, 8:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

marshall
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Apr 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,752
Location: Turkey

12 Aug 2010, 8:31 pm

One thing that works for me is to suggest *doing* things with other people rather than just socializing. If you're busy with some kind of joint activity there isn't as much pressure to fill the air with idle talk when you don't feel like it. You only have to talk when the occasional urge to say something comes along.