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quaker
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20 Aug 2010, 1:38 am

Often I feel an aching and longing
for what I am unable to bear



Last edited by quaker on 20 Aug 2010, 1:45 am, edited 1 time in total.

quaker
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20 Aug 2010, 1:41 am

Thank you everyone for yr thoughts and sharing yr feelings.

I had a dream recently where I landed on earth from a spaceship. I crept out looking for earthlings, hungry for connection, yet terrified at the same time.

My images that best convey for me my feelings of alienation are being lost in space.

When I was Dx with AS at the age of 40 i felt like I had come home, so to speak, however, four years on from this moment of enlightenment (being Dx AS) I feel at times that living here on earth, no longer insulated by denial or lack of acceptance of my difference is like living life on a strange planet without my spacesuit.

The more I accept my difference, the more I feel removed from the mainstream.

Iam also reminded of that character in greek mythology who lived in a barrell but could not position himself well enough to drink the water all around him......for me the aching for what I cannot quiter each
Is painful and at times deeply alienating.



horsegurl4190
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24 Jul 2012, 12:24 am

The worst alienation I've ever experienced was the incessant bullying I endured all through school up until college. My best description of that feeling, a prison. Not prison with iron bars holding me in, but a prison of cruel words and being treated as if I was an inferior being. It was a prison of emotional torture which left scars that will never heal.



MikaNeko
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24 Jul 2012, 12:56 am

I feel as if I have been dropped on this planet with no prior warning, I have always been different and I cant understand or connect to people. I don't feel human and I'm on the wrong planet and have a deep longing to go home wherever home is. It's like a pain that can almost make me cry some days because I don't belong here.


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日本語をならっています。


quaker
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24 Jul 2012, 1:49 am

Thank you both for getting in touch.
It's been two years since I wrote on this
subject/thread. In these two years I have
found buddhist practice a great refuge
from the pain and suffering of the world.
In such an environment, where there is
little social chit chat and an abundance
of compassion I feel 'a part of' as opposed
to 'seperate from'. Mindfulness practice
offers helps me sit with my sadness and
helps me taste happiness.......don't get me
wrong, at times my heart feels like a
baloon filled with a sea of alienation and
suffering that is about to burst. The
difference these days is that I can accept
this sorrow, and play an active part in its
passing. The intensity of suffering always
changes in me.



Joe90
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24 Jul 2012, 6:19 am

I wouldn't say I'm as lonely as I used to be. I've got a few friends, which is good. Sometimes I feel I am an enemy to myself when I don't go out on Friday nights with my brother and his friends and my cousins. I have gone out a few times, but I haven't gone lately. I don't know why. But then I find myself feeling guilty for it, because I feel like I am alienating myself from social opportunities, especially if I'm the type to desire friendships. But, funnily enough, sometimes I like my own company too. At the same time as feeling bad for not going out and mixing with other people of my age, I also feel quite happy just sitting on the computer cosily in my room all right, talking to friends on MSN or Facebook or going on WP. I am also happy with just meeting up with a friend in the day and going for lunch somewhere or something like that.

I just wish I wouldn't feel obliged that I should be going out to the pub at week-ends.


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Somberlain
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24 Jul 2012, 8:17 am

-It is like something is holding me from socializing. I feel myself guilty when I try to socialize. Maybe it is fear.
-I feel very uncomfortable in social situations, because I do not know how to behave. Acting helps me most of the time.
-I have to confess: I find most of the people worthless and I don't want to talk with them. I cannot accept a friendship with an ignorant and stupid person talking about nothing but who f**ks with who.
-When I meet with anyone, I feel as if I am wasting my time. This is ridiculous because I am no Immanuel Kant. When I return to my home I play computer games, play guitar, read a book and watch certain videos again and again.


So, these are the reasons for my loneliness I suppose.


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DrPenguin
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24 Jul 2012, 8:37 am

Being in a room full of your friends and acquaintances and knowing no matter how hard you try, all the study and knowing you'll never fit in completely and have to constantly 'suppress/hide' the more aspie traits (the most tiring part).

Where friends who 'accept you for who you are' get mad at you because 'you never learn' when the teach simplest of social skills, but can understand the most complex (Never mastered quipping but can do sarcasm and incidental humor).

When your punished in front of the class for cheating on maths tests (for not doing the written working out), using a calculator when not allowed and not admitting it. Even though I did them in my head and didn't have a calculator.

When look out the window and see happy couples walking along in the sun and that hole in your chest starts twisting and burning as you realise what your missing and that it's impractical.

In the UK when you skip years at primary school and end up with kids years older than yourself and have to catch up with the social learning you missed.

To be at the point where standing in a nightclub full of attractive women, 'great music' and lighting effects, with my friends who are having a great time, I'm running low on energy, my 'shields' are dropping my brain can't decide if it wants to shut down, physically scream and go cower in a corner (possibly without the body) or just explode (taking our a few nearby clubbers) and flow out of my ears and the only way is to sedate it liberally with alcohol. It's late your getting bored and tired stuck there in hell because you wanted to be there for your mates (they begged you to go) and they come up and say 'at least look like your enjoying it, don't know why you came.'

What defined alienation for me was thinking that it was just me that suffered from this. That this was just me being silly/lazy/stubborn/stupid disappointment to others, especially my mom as she repeatedly told me (some things never change, no matter how many qualifications I get or the status of jobs I do). That the sense problems were in my head (and why i found this an odd statement) and meltdowns were 'tantrums' or 'sulking'


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Sweetleaf
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24 Jul 2012, 9:05 am

I tried typing a response last night and then couldn't think of quite what I wanted to say. Anyways I have suffered those feelings for just about as long as I can remember and many of my life experiences only fed those feelings more. Even around people I still feel that way inside even if on the outside I seem content.


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Blue Jay
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24 Jul 2012, 9:13 am

AdmiralCrunch wrote:
Spending your birthday alone.



another one for me is new years eve sitting alone and just as it ticks over to the new year i start hearing all the fireworks. It's just another day for me. Apart from how much the extreme loneliness bites at that moment of course.



AdmiralCrunch
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24 Jul 2012, 9:14 am

It's not often that I get one of the messages that one of the old forums that I've subscribed to has been updated, so I thought I'd give anyone who remembers me an update.
My time here on WrongPlanet two years ago taught me an important life lesson: if I want to relieve the symptoms of Asperger's, it's best to create a plan and go out and do it.

In the two years since my post here, I've completed the following:
- joined/created social support groups for people on the spectrum.
- created a non-profit that assists in job-skills and on-the-job training for unemployed aspies.
- created a social-skills class for lower-functioning aspies.
- completed my degree in applied math.
- continued research on combining affective computing with conversation analysis; improved my skills with AI and electronics.

I will continue with the plan that I had before, in that I will solve the social interaction problem through the use of portable computers.
Doing it solo means that it's taking a long time. But so far, so good.


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Last edited by AdmiralCrunch on 24 Jul 2012, 9:43 am, edited 1 time in total.

Mindsigh
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24 Jul 2012, 9:26 am

"I have heard the mermaids singing each to each.
They will not sing to me."

T. S. Eliot's "Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"

Also, the fairy tale "Toads and Diamonds". The cruel stepsister gets a curse where every time she opens her mouth to speak, a toad comes out, while the kind heroine has a diamond fall out. It's as if I got the cruel stepsister's curse by mistake.



Nonperson
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24 Jul 2012, 9:32 am

I don't often feel lonely. I'm more likely to feel harassed, like some large, slow, peaceful animal being pestered by a flock of noisy, squabbling little critters. I just wish they would go away.

There have been times in the past when I felt a powerful need to find someone like me - most often when I was with a group of "friends", apparently having a good time (camping in a park, dancing at a rave, etc.) but actually having all sorts of thoughts and impressions I knew from past experience they didn't share and I couldn't discuss with them without looking weird. A bit like being the only person at a party tripping on acid, but all the time. It wasn't until I met my husband, at 27, that I found someone I felt like I could actually communicate with.



lease29
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04 Aug 2012, 7:52 am

MikaNeko wrote:
I feel as if I have been dropped on this planet with no prior warning, I have always been different and I cant understand or connect to people. I don't feel human and I'm on the wrong planet and have a deep longing to go home wherever home is. It's like a pain that can almost make me cry some days because I don't belong here.


I can relate to this not feeling like a "human being" and being on the wrong planet. Being different and feeling different for years before my diagnosis it is though everyone else has the manual for navigating the social world. That part is missing in me and therefore life is more difficult.

I feel loneliness from time to time and haven't found anyone really like me. I have trouble with socialising as I am shy and do not know how to behave or act in certain social situations.
I come across as weird, rude, awkward etc. I do however have a few acquaintances and do try to go out and meet people even though it is hard.

I feel as though outside of my family though I do not connect with anyone and therefore I feel alienated from the world. On the outside looking in.



autotelica
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04 Aug 2012, 9:01 am

Apartness. Separateness from the universe. And disconnected from self as well.

I used to think it was just a glass wall just separating me from everything else. But the wall is also inside me, preventing me from understanding how I'm feeling and why.

What complicates matters is that it's largely self-imposed loneliness. I don't want friends. I don't want to fit in, really. Because having friends and fitting in have their costs, and I'm a cheap-skate. I prefer loneliness over the stress that comes with people drama. Besides, you can still be lonely and have friends. I think that's a worse kind of loneliness.

I deal with it in two ways: I go to therapy every week, so that I can get a dose of human contact. And I give away my artwork to strangers on the street during the weekends. The polite words I exchange with people and the compliments I receive are just enough to keep me going.



hanyo
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04 Aug 2012, 9:26 am

I don't know if I even get lonely any more. I'd rather be alone and have people leave me alone.