Alienation, Loneliness & Autism

Post Reply New Topic

Apartness. Separateness from the universe. And disconnected from self as well.

I used to think it was just a glass wall just separating me from everything else. But the wall is also inside me, preventing me from understanding how I'm feeling and why.

What complicates matters is that it's largely self-imposed loneliness. I don't want friends. I don't want to fit in, really. Because having friends and fitting in have their costs, and I'm a cheap-skate. I prefer loneliness over the stress that comes with people drama. Besides, you can still be lonely and have friends. I think that's a worse kind of loneliness.

I deal with it in two ways: I go to therapy every week, so that I can get a dose of human contact. And I give away my artwork to strangers on the street during the weekends. The polite words I exchange with people and the compliments I receive are just enough to keep me going.

I don't know if I even get lonely any more. I'd rather be alone and have people leave me alone.

I believe you are confusing Diogenes the cynic who lived in a barrel with Tantalus who was knee deep in a stream with fruit right above his head. He was forever hungry and thirsty but when he tried to grab the fruit the tree pulled away and when he tried to cup some water the stream dodged his hand. From Tantalus we get the word tantalize.

I would first like to say I am not put on this earth to please anyone but myself. I am honest with others and me. I do spend alot of time alone and I realized I was my own worst critic. As I get older I spend more and more time alone; if somebody has a problem with how I'm living my life: fxxx im. One of the positive side efffects of having HFA is that one becomes more empathetic with other groups facing discrimination for however they were born.

When I'm alone and want to talk to someone about something, I wish I had actual friends and a partner. When I'm trying to socialize, I'm constantly analyzing/criticizing myself and reinforce the thought that I'll always be alone.

I've read sooooooo much material on socializing and/or dating, but always feel boring, awkward, or just plain strange after trying to interact.

They live in a world that seems delusional to you:

Ie

They think failure makes them bad people when in actual fact when you have a go at something and it doesnt work out, all that it means is that it didnt work out (nothing more, nothing less), the rest is a delusion created by the cultural beliefs of the civilisation you live in.

You are meant to fear failure instead of seeing it as learning curve. If you use a particular method and it does not get the results you wanted all it means is your method did not work. You are free to try others ones instead! However people are taught to feel bad about themselves when there is no need, which to your mind is horribly irrational...

------

People do not value life, they think life is about success, materialism, self importance and perfectionism, whereas to you life is about experience. The meaning of life is the miracle of living, it's the gift of being alive. Meaning the meaning of life is life itself. To exist, to live, to experience is enough...after all this is the only existance you are ever going to have.

You can't take material possessions and social status with you when you die, but if you can take anything, the memories you form as a result of the experiences you have are one of the things you can carry with you if there is a such a thing as an afterlife.

If there is not...it won't matter anyway as there will be no awareness to care with!

-------------

Humans beleive there is only one right way to be...there is not. They confuse 'normal' with 'majority' when they are not the same thing.

-----------

Humans rarely understand things as well as they think they do...although they will insist they know everything all the same.

---------

Society is a reflection of human nature as a collective...therefore its tendency to creat unnecessary suffering is disheartening. Human nature appears to be predominantly sadistic.

You love peace, understanding and equality, they love war, judementalism and heirachy...you are not the same being as they are.

-----

You do not desire to be like them...but instead to find others more like yourself. Yet they will convince themselves you want to be more normal, even though normal seems to be ignorant, judgemental, sadistic, prejudice and discriminatory.

Why would I be inspired to be like that?

---

Humans created this society...they created the suffering that exists within it.

And yet we let the majority continue to rule, even with all the unnecessary pain they have inflicted on each other (and us)!

----------

At its simplest, being alone means often being smirnoffed (aka a bit tipsy).

Its searching for a home you cant find, but there is a certain liberation in accepting you are not the same.

Difference does not always have to equal bad, difference is just that, difference. It can be negative, neutral and/or positive. This society however belongs to the obedient and conformist but that does not mean its right!

I have several friends with aspergers, they are very lovely sweet people whom I can have very interesting conversations with.

Whether I am on the spectrum or not is irrelevant.

(PN i dont know what i am, i just know I am different...end of story).

I am not actually lonely now. I have an active life and good friends I have made in my various activities. I am conscious that, because of the late start I got socially, that certain things might not be available to me. I almost lost all of the gains I made last year due to something monumentally stupid that I did. I have since corrected the problem and returned to my old level, but have made no further forward progress. Life is pretty good, but I have the idea I have gone as far as I will ever go.

I am not actually lonely now. I have an active life and good friends I have made in my various activities. I am conscious that, because of the late start I got socially, that certain things might not be available to me. I almost lost all of the gains I made last year due to something monumentally stupid that I did. I have since corrected the problem and returned to my old level, but have made no further forward progress. Life is pretty good, but I have the idea I have gone as far as I will ever go.

Mother was AS, and I never bonded with either parent. My life has been mostly wasted on unsuccessful attempts to "belong." Much of the trouble is that few people can really grasp my ideas, so there's no one to talk to, and I'm bored with popular culture, so I don't appreciate many of the references in common banter. I should be asleep right now, but I woke up in despair over understanding my neighbour's attitude.

My trip to India started off well, exploring new places on my own was fun, but in the evenings I'd get back to my hotel and find "gatherings" going on right outside my room. Every evening I would find about 15 people sitting down, playing guitars and socializing loudly. I had to pick my way through the crowd just to get to my door, and once in, I would stay inside feeling hemmed in, powerless and trapped. As time went by it became hard for me to even leave my room during the day, and I would get stuck inside just waiting for for a quiet moment to sneak out.

One evening when I returned it was just too crowded for me to get to my door, so I sat down instead. It was too noisy and cramped for me to relax and talk to anyone, but there wasn't anywhere to go, so I sat it out feeling like a freak. I'm used to loneliness, but being powerless and in the thick of things really compounded that feeling. Eventually I got on a bus and headed for the mountains to be alone again....that was such a good move. To this day I'm not sure why they had to USE UP all of my space like that when they could have had their little parties outside their own rooms....mystery.

I've been lonely largely for 98% of my life. I had a few "friends" in school, that in retrospect, were not really friends. They just wanted to play on my game system or would tease me about my sensory issues - when something big happened, they were never there for me.

As an adult I gave it a shot in my mid 20's and now nearing 30, I'm down to one friend and I expect by the end of the year that will no longer be the case. Due to prior experiences with LSD, I've almost fully awoken to my situation as an Aspie and realizations of what "I" want to do in my life. Everyone expects me, and other Apies, to change themselves in order to fit in - which I used to do - but I'm done with that.

It will likely mean less, or maybe no more friends for the rest of my life - I like to think that I'll get quality friends instead. by being myself, but whichever outcome occurs I'm fine with. I don't have the energy or interest to not be myself and I've finally stopped caring such a degree of what others think of the "real me" - I'm kind, caring, nice, I have a lot of good qualities along with the bad.

Aspies are fairly selfless people in my experience and in some ways, that's a weakness in itself - I've found myself catering too much to people, changing too much to please people, and putting others too much before myself. There's a balance of course, but it does need to be a balance and not too one-sided always putting others before yourself.

In terms of a comparison, I suppose the alien comparison is fairly dead on. I feel fairly alien to humanity when I'm in a group and conversation is flowing from person-to-person and I have no idea how to participating - or if I want to participate. It feels very alien to look around at people and realize you're the only observer around, outside of a security guard who is probably suspicious of you.