if she's not interested in me; why should I be intersted?



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nick007
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19 Aug 2010, 7:20 am

Whenever I try coming on to a woman friend; I always get turned down & I get told that they do not like me romantically in "that way". After a woman rejects me & tells me she's not interested in me; I try to move on & find someone else who wants to give me a chance. Whenever I'm taking to a woman who rejected me before & I make a comment about trying to find a woman or liking someone; the woman who previously rejected me gets really upset that I am no longer interested in her yet she is still NOT interested in me. Why are women who are not interested in me getting upset when I quit acting interested in them :?:


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lotusblossom
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19 Aug 2010, 7:29 am

perhaps they wanted your feelings to remain constant, perhaps your 'quick change of heart' gives the impression of fickleness. It highlights to the women that you did not like them, but were only interested in sex as women presume a man who did like her would not loose his feelings for her so quickly, therefore they presume you did not have feelings but wanted them for other reasons and this in turn hurts them.

Dont overly worry about it but learn the lesson not to tell women that you dont like them anymore! and also keep yourself open for women thinking about it and changeing their minds, some people are 'slow to warm up' and need you to 'work on them' a bit romantically before you ask them out, and some require you to 'woo them' after first refusal as they are just hesitant.

Dont worry if people reject you just view it as practice and keep going.



nick007
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19 Aug 2010, 7:35 am

I'm NOT rejecting them & some of em know that I'm asexual. They turn me down & tell me they are not interested & they keep telling me about guys that they like & how they want to find a good guy but they keep turning me down when I suggest me & them hook up. It seems hypocritical for them to get upset at me when I make a coment about trying to find a woman


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lotusblossom
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19 Aug 2010, 7:41 am

nick007 wrote:
I'm NOT rejecting them & some of em know that I'm asexual. They turn me down & tell me they are not interested & they keep telling me about guys that they like & how they want to find a good guy but they keep turning me down when I suggest me & them hook up. It seems hypocritical for them to get upset at me when I make a coment about trying to find a woman

people are generally hypocritical. Most people Ive met still dont like getting hurt despite hurting others. Thats life.



Erisad
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19 Aug 2010, 8:28 am

That sucks. Sounds like somebody's very hypocritical or in denial. Either way, I wouldn't pay her much attention. She could just be doing it for attention, for all we know. D:



nick007
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19 Aug 2010, 9:14 am

This happened with a few women & one of em's an online friend who got nasty with me a while back when that happened. She told me flat out that she didn't want a relationship with me & gave me list of rezones. Then a week or so latter I made a blog about trying to find a woman & she blew-up at me over it & I didn't understand why till recently. She started chatting with me again & we apologized sorta. She got mad cuz she thought I was rejecting her but she had clearly told me that she did not like me & she still says she does not like me. I wish I understood the psychology behind this. Is this an ego self-esteem thing where women like knowing a guy likes em even thou they know they do not want the guy :?: Is this something where women only like a guy when the guy is not interested in em because women want what they can not have :?: Is this something like playing hard to get or reverse psychology where when a woman says she does not like me; it means she really does :?: Or Are they trying to string me along because they get some weird fun by using & confusing me :?: Do these women have any clue as to what the hell they want :?:


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Erisad
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19 Aug 2010, 9:35 am

If a woman's behaving this way, she probably doesn't know what she wants. But it could be an ego thing, some women love being pined over without having to commit to the guy. :/



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19 Aug 2010, 9:59 am

nick007 wrote:
This happened with a few women & one of em's an online friend who got nasty with me a while back when that happened. She told me flat out that she didn't want a relationship with me & gave me list of rezones. Then a week or so latter I made a blog about trying to find a woman & she blew-up at me over it & I didn't understand why till recently. She started chatting with me again & we apologized sorta. She got mad cuz she thought I was rejecting her but she had clearly told me that she did not like me & she still says she does not like me. I wish I understood the psychology behind this. Is this an ego self-esteem thing where women like knowing a guy likes em even thou they know they do not want the guy :?: Is this something where women only like a guy when the guy is not interested in em because women want what they can not have :?: Is this something like playing hard to get or reverse psychology where when a woman says she does not like me; it means she really does :?: Or Are they trying to string me along because they get some weird fun by using & confusing me :?: Do these women have any clue as to what the hell they want :?:



I would ignore her. She is trying to play you! If you ignore her - it will drive her crazy!



billsmithglendale
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19 Aug 2010, 10:13 am

nick007 wrote:
Whenever I try coming on to a woman friend; I always get turned down & I get told that they do not like me romantically in "that way". After a woman rejects me & tells me she's not interested in me; I try to move on & find someone else who wants to give me a chance. Whenever I'm taking to a woman who rejected me before & I make a comment about trying to find a woman or liking someone; the woman who previously rejected me gets really upset that I am no longer interested in her yet she is still NOT interested in me. Why are women who are not interested in me getting upset when I quit acting interested in them :?:


Because those particular women are users, either materially or emotionally. You are right in most cases to cut them off -- the ones that don't get upset are worth keeping as contacts because they might actually send you a good "lead" on someone who might be right for you. A user will never do this for you -- for her, you are valuable only as someone to use, and as soon as someone else gets your attention, she will resent losing the "resource" you represent. Users will actually actively try to disrupt or block any other relationships you are trying to get going, while they have the power.



billsmithglendale
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19 Aug 2010, 10:20 am

nick007 wrote:
I'm NOT rejecting them & some of em know that I'm asexual. They turn me down & tell me they are not interested & they keep telling me about guys that they like & how they want to find a good guy but they keep turning me down when I suggest me & them hook up. It seems hypocritical for them to get upset at me when I make a coment about trying to find a woman


Yep -- typical emotional user there -- she just wants to use you for "narcissistic supply" (look that up in wikipedia). She wants an audience, and you're there. She doesn't actually respect you as a person if she treats you like that.

Case in point -- there is a young and attractive lady at the place I work who everyone likes. She seems on the surface a very nice person -- intelligent, funny, good mood, etc. But I noticed a pattern -- she seemed to delight in simultaneously jerking around 3 guys at once, making them all feel like they could be her BF, but never actually letting them get that close. In addition, she started making the rounds with other people, myself included, to get her kicks of off how we all like to see her, have her attention, etc., yet would never do something civil like have lunch with us. I noticed that we each just seem to get token amounts of time with her. She also plays naive a lot, which fools many people, but not all of us.

My solution -- the silent treatment. She's done some things to offend me, and I refuse to be a source of narcissistic supply to someone. If she truly wants to be my friend, she will spend some quality time around me -- otherwise, I really don't need the bandwidth she takes up, or her mind games. It's my way of putting the mind games back at her, and this method has worked short-term for me with others of her type. It drives them crazy when they can't understand why you won't fall for the bait, and shower approval on them.



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19 Aug 2010, 10:47 am

Hmmmm........I was once friends with a lady who told me categorically that she didn't care for me at all in that way (which annoyed me because I wasn't coming on to her), but she was visibly ruffled when I expressed concern for the health of my ex-girlfriend, and when I told her I'd signed up with a dating agency she looked very angry. :? Actually I think she did care for me a bit....a truly platonic friend would have just wanted to help me.

I think some of the confusion might come from the way a lot of women put up obstacles to find out what the guy's made of, so that she knows he can protect her from sabre-toothed tigers later on. Your woman might be guilty of that, but it's hard to be sure, especially for autistic people. Sometimes they don't want a relationship with you but they value you as a trophy, somebody they can use to show their friends that they can pull the opposite sex - "he won't leave me alone!" meaning "men are crazy about me" :x Or she might just not be sure of you......I've been surprised by the number of women who have rejected me only to contact me later......including one who kept saying she kept hiding from me because she was scared of committing to a relationship with me, though I never put any pressure on her at all and was always OK about leaving her alone if she wanted that. But we had a relationship of sorts after that.

I eventually came to see "no" as being pretty meaningless from women, though it doesn't always pay to assume it's definitely a "yes" in disguise. It's hard on guys who can't read body language and facial cues, flirting etc. I guess the only thing to do is to come on to them and find out the hard way, but I'd do it very gradually and I'd watch carefully and be ready to back off straight away at any sign of anxiety or discomfort, otherwise you could be wide open to a sexual harrassment charge. I wish they'd find a more open way of testing guys out, like telling them to cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with a herring or something - at least we'd know where we stood. It always struck me that a neurotypical male could easily read the body language of a woman who wasn't being straight with him, and know that she wanted him really, but we Aspies have to put our balls on the line practically every time. God knows how many women I've known who I've passed over because I've taken their remarks too seriously. On the other hand, if they're testing for NT brain power, maybe it's just as well - it does look like a screening program to remove Aspies and other "inferiors" from their game, and I wouldn't want a relationship with anybody who could be so judgemental, though I appreciate their need to make sure they're not committing their life to somebody who can't pull their weight.

One thing I've learned - it usually only does harm to "interrogate" the woman to find out why she lied and to extract a promise of honesty in future. They don't seem to have the faintest idea what they've done, why they did it, or any understanding of the misery it can cause. :? Maybe the whole reassurance thing (which I gather Aspies often need by the bucketful) interferes too much with their image of the tough male breadwinner?



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19 Aug 2010, 10:59 am

nick007 wrote:
Whenever I'm taking to a woman who rejected me before & I make a comment about trying to find a woman or liking someone; the woman who previously rejected me gets really upset that I am no longer interested in her yet she is still NOT interested in me. Why are women who are not interested in me getting upset when I quit acting interested in them :?:



Its an NT thing - girls like and want to be "chased" by men.

I hate that kind of games and tell girls like that to go f**k themselves. Probably one reason why i'm single, but my self worth isn't that low.


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billsmithglendale
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19 Aug 2010, 11:26 am

ToughDiamond wrote:

I think some of the confusion might come from the way a lot of women put up obstacles to find out what the guy's made of, so that she knows he can protect her from sabre-toothed tigers later on. Your woman might be guilty of that, but it's hard to be sure, especially for autistic people. Sometimes they don't want a relationship with you but they value you as a trophy, somebody they can use to show their friends that they can pull the opposite sex - "he won't leave me alone!" meaning "men are crazy about me" :x


ToughDiamond, great insight into the psychology of this.



nick007
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19 Aug 2010, 12:09 pm

Thanx for all the responses guys. I was wanting to understand that because it's happened to me more than a few times with different women so I thought maybe it was something I was doing wrong & not understanding something most NTs get. The one I mentioned in my example knows I have AS & she seems to know a little about it but she's an NT. I haven't thought she was using me cuz our friendship was pretty balanced & not one sided. Wer getting along OK now so I'll keep on being her friend but if she gets upset at me again over something like that; the friendship is OVER. I'm not going to think about a relationship with her either because she had tuned me down; ball's in her court. I wish I could find a woman who's straight-forward & honest


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Ichinin
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19 Aug 2010, 12:15 pm

nick007 wrote:
I wish I could find a woman who's straight-forward & honest


And i wish that warpdrive is invented soon so the both of us can find our women :)


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