if she's not interested in me; why should I be intersted?

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Moog
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19 Aug 2010, 2:55 pm

I know several women who won't date me, and won't help me find a girlfriend, but like to lean on me like I'm some kind of support service.

Even the married women I know are out to scupper my attempts to quash my terminal single-ness. I think it's a kind of greed. Or maybe women collude to keep bad genes out of the pool.


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foreveryoung
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19 Aug 2010, 3:04 pm

OP, these women are taking advantage of you being a "nice guy" and using you as an emotional tampon. They want you to like them (to feed their ego) but they have no intention of ever being anything more than friends with you. I'd argue that they aren't even friends since they are using you for attention.

As bad as my love life has been, it's been a lack of women in my life in general. I would never allow myself to be treated this way by a woman.



hale_bopp
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20 Aug 2010, 12:21 am

Its because they feel like you are using their friendship to try and get in.

Some people actually do want friends - and only friends.

The reason you're at fault here is because you're not being honest from the word go. You are pretending to be their friend when you never wanted them for a "friend" in the first place.



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20 Aug 2010, 12:40 am

They are also using him though for attention and validation and to talk about their problems and the guys they are dating. It's a two way street.



ToadOfSteel
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20 Aug 2010, 12:43 am

hale_bopp wrote:
Its because they feel like you are using their friendship to try and get in.

Some people actually do want friends - and only friends.

The reason you're at fault here is because you're not being honest from the word go. You are pretending to be their friend when you never wanted them for a "friend" in the first place.


How is trying to turn a friend into a lover being dishonest? I know in my case, attraction takes time and association to build up, and it's impossible for me to be in a relationship without the attraction, so I would pretty much have to be friends with them first. I don't know if the same applies to the OP, but don't be so quick to put down just because someone wants to go a little further with a friend.

That said, if he takes it too far after being rejected, then it's fair game.



hale_bopp
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20 Aug 2010, 1:41 am

ToadOfSteel wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
Its because they feel like you are using their friendship to try and get in.

Some people actually do want friends - and only friends.

The reason you're at fault here is because you're not being honest from the word go. You are pretending to be their friend when you never wanted them for a "friend" in the first place.


How is trying to turn a friend into a lover being dishonest? I know in my case, attraction takes time and association to build up, and it's impossible for me to be in a relationship without the attraction, so I would pretty much have to be friends with them first. I don't know if the same applies to the OP, but don't be so quick to put down just because someone wants to go a little further with a friend.

That said, if he takes it too far after being rejected, then it's fair game.


Well do you stop talking to people when they don't want to date you? Because thats what hes doing. You do't know that hes not interested in "jumping in for the kill" right from the start. I don't think you're in the same situation here.

I think that he befriends girls with the hope of eventually dating them, so thats all they are, a potential partner, and he hides behind the friend thing.

In his case, not yours, he should just be straight up from the beginning.



GoatOnFire
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20 Aug 2010, 3:42 am

Completely unvarnished: your friends are b*****s.

Slightly varnished: Many women tend to like what they can't have. So when you don't indicate that you want them anymore they will feel jilted and want you, until you want them again... This is because they are b*****s.


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ToughDiamond
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20 Aug 2010, 5:05 am

billsmithglendale wrote:
ToughDiamond wrote:

I think some of the confusion might come from the way a lot of women put up obstacles to find out what the guy's made of, so that she knows he can protect her from sabre-toothed tigers later on. Your woman might be guilty of that, but it's hard to be sure, especially for autistic people. Sometimes they don't want a relationship with you but they value you as a trophy, somebody they can use to show their friends that they can pull the opposite sex - "he won't leave me alone!" meaning "men are crazy about me" :x


ToughDiamond, great insight into the psychology of this.

Thanks :)

nick007 wrote:
Wer getting along OK now so I'll keep on being her friend but if she gets upset at me again over something like that; the friendship is OVER. I'm not going to think about a relationship with her either because she had tuned me down; ball's in her court. I wish I could find a woman who's straight-forward & honest

Sounds like you're as angry at the games as I am. But beware of imagining that the ball is in her court.....from what I've seen, that might work on a few proactive women but mostly they'll just sit on their hands and think you're not interested enough. Leave it up to the woman and you may as well forget it, most of the time. Still, I've seen a bit of evidence that the hard-to-get game isn't universal - I'd be very interested to see a breakdown of mating rituals in different cultures.



CrinklyCrustacean
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20 Aug 2010, 7:59 am

hale_bopp wrote:
Well do you stop talking to people when they don't want to date you? Because thats what hes doing. You do't know that hes not interested in "jumping in for the kill" right from the start. I don't think you're in the same situation here.

I think that he befriends girls with the hope of eventually dating them, so thats all they are, a potential partner, and he hides behind the friend thing.

In his case, not yours, he should just be straight up from the beginning.


There's a lot of conflicting advice on this forum:

"Ask her out straight away"
"Be friends first, then you know what they're really like inside"
"If you wait you'll be friendzoned"
"Wait and see how the friendship pans out."

Sometimes it seems like a complete lottery whether you get the girl or not. If she prefers you to be straight up and you wait, you're doomed. If you are straight up and she prefers to wait, you're doomed. Basically you have a 50/50 chance of picking the right approach, and if you get the wrong one you've blown your chances of getting the girl regardless of how perfectly you match up. Is it really as arbitrary as this?



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20 Aug 2010, 11:15 am

CrinklyCrustacean wrote:

There's a lot of conflicting advice on this forum:

"Ask her out straight away"
"Be friends first, then you know what they're really like inside"
"If you wait you'll be friendzoned"
"Wait and see how the friendship pans out."

Sometimes it seems like a complete lottery whether you get the girl or not. If she prefers you to be straight up and you wait, you're doomed. If you are straight up and she prefers to wait, you're doomed. Basically you have a 50/50 chance of picking the right approach, and if you get the wrong one you've blown your chances of getting the girl regardless of how perfectly you match up. Is it really as arbitrary as this?

No it isn't quite that arbitrary. It's possible to approach with caution.......as long as you're watching the effect of your forwardness and are ready to back off, you'll probably be forgiven. I think it's possible to come on quite strongly as long as you don't make her feel trapped or coerced. It's not sinful even to make a definite sexual advance, as long as the lady's permission remains paramount. Don't know if it applies to everybody or not, but it's not in my DNA to feel repelled by anybody who is sexually attracted to me, male or female, whether I can return their affections or not, it's just when they put pressure on me to take away my choice that it freaks me out. There's degree to the amount of forwardness, it's not an "either-or" thing. I know how hard it can be to be invitational without being invasive, to woo somebody powerfully but with a soft touch. I used to spend ages looking at the number of times I'd phoned whatever lady I was interested in, trying to decide how frequently I could pester her before I'd wear out my welcome. It's not a choice between indecent assault and hiding in the cupboard.



curlyfry
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20 Aug 2010, 1:17 pm

You got these women hot and bothered over you. You should feel flattered.

It is a stupid game. These women were acting like you had no options. When you went to seek comfort elsewhere they get all pissed even though they didn't have strong feelings for you to begin with.