My husband looks at young girls 24/7 ! !!



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spooky13
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01 Sep 2010, 8:08 am

Is sex his special interest? Looking at girls is normal, everyone looks at the opposite sex now and then. But has he acted on it and cheated?

Anyways, you said you moved out, it's obvious you don't trust him, but have you talked to him about it? Ranting about it here is fine, we all need an outlet, but you really should talk with your husband about it.


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lotusblossom
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01 Sep 2010, 8:22 am

Kati wrote:
My husband (53 years old, AS and ADHD) is always looking blatantly at young, sexy girls in the age beween 15 and 25 years.
We are nearly 30years together now and he never stopped this behavior - no matter how I was hurt and cried. He told me he
is just a man and other men do the same. He also is obsessed with pornography - he even prefered pornography on the internet
instadt of having sex with me.
I am so hurted that I have moved out of our family home.

During the last weeks I was even afraid of going shopping with him - because of his constantly surching for "Barbies".
I am 53years old and I feel the older I get - the more he hurts me!

I am sorry for my mistakes - English is my second language.

Thanks for reading this - and hopefully answering!

I would find that situation difficult to deal with, I would be most concerned about him turning down sex with you to watch porn insted, that must really hurt your feelings.

Firstly I would try explaining to him how you feel and asking him how he would feel if you turned down sex with him to use a vibrator, or how he would feel if you openly oggled young men, how he would feel if you watched chipendales. I would explain to him that its important to you for him to be discreate in his oggleing as it hurts your feelings and is disrespectful to you.

Try and think of some things he could do which would make you feel attractive and sexy and then suggest that he do them (such as compliment you more, or give you a massage).

I would also suggest you seek couples counseling with a therapist trained in aspergers as you have big communication problems and are not meeting each others needs and hurting each other.

good luck.



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01 Sep 2010, 11:13 am

ShadesOfMe wrote:
alex wrote:
If you're worried about a man cheating just because he looks at another woman, I think there's a major trust problem more than a possibility of cheating.


I disagree. On some level she seems to have a trust issue. But her husband is looking at young girls rather often. and she mentioned he would rather look at pornography than get intimate with her. He seems to have some issues going on as well.


The porn thing may be an issue, but when it comes to looking at other women, I believe Alex is completely on the mark.

No, porn is not cheating, but rejecting your partner in favor of it points to a porn addiction. It's an entirely different issue. One he should probably seek professional help for if he wants to keep his wife.


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Bluefins
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01 Sep 2010, 11:32 am

luvsterriers wrote:
I got this from a site on emotional adultery.

When a married man (or woman) ogles and flirts, it begins to form an attitude within him that this way of behaving is ok. The truth is carrying this attitude around is what leads up to adultery. Eyeing other women may seem innocent enough, but one day it will go further than just ogling. What is in a man's heart will come out in his actions. "But I tell you anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." (Matthew 5:27-28) Christ calls it emotional adultery and that's what it is.

Do you have any proof of this?



Kati
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01 Sep 2010, 12:03 pm

"What People with Asperger Syndrom Really Really Want" by Sarah Hendrickx
When asked what constituted infidelty, the generel trend was that for NT partners, intent, emotional closness and flirting were as much a singn of betrayal as physical contact - all were seen as inappropriate behaviour.
For those with AS some felt that penetration was the only mark of infidelity - .......... Page 121



lotusblossom
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01 Sep 2010, 12:06 pm

Kati wrote:
"What People with Asperger Syndrom Really Really Want" by Sarah Hendrickx
When asked what constituted infidelty, the generel trend was that for NT partners, intent, emotional closness and flirting were as much a singn of betrayal as physical contact - all were seen as inappropriate behaviour.
For those with AS some felt that penetration was the only mark of infidelity - .......... Page 121

I dont think it helps posting quotes from books.

if you have communication problems with your partner (such as haveing different views on what constitutes infidelity) then you need to talk with him (maybe with a marraige consellor) NOT talk to us on a forum, its him you need to convince not us.



Celoneth
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01 Sep 2010, 12:06 pm

If it's just porn and looking at women, that's completely normal - if it's porn + looking at women + doing so in a manner that he knows is going to hurt her that's another matter. I have a cousin with an NT husband who does it obviously and in front of her, knowing that she sees it and belittles her at every chance - if it's that kind of thing, or where it's taking up so much time that he's neglecting other things then it's a problem.



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01 Sep 2010, 12:13 pm

Celoneth wrote:
If it's just porn and looking at women, that's completely normal - if it's porn + looking at women + doing so in a manner that he knows is going to hurt her that's another matter. I have a cousin with an NT husband who does it obviously and in front of her, knowing that she sees it and belittles her at every chance - if it's that kind of thing, or where it's taking up so much time that he's neglecting other things then it's a problem.


That would be emotional and psychological abuse.


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luvsterriers
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01 Sep 2010, 1:45 pm

Bluefins wrote:
luvsterriers wrote:
I got this from a site on emotional adultery.

When a married man (or woman) ogles and flirts, it begins to form an attitude within him that this way of behaving is ok. The truth is carrying this attitude around is what leads up to adultery. Eyeing other women may seem innocent enough, but one day it will go further than just ogling. What is in a man's heart will come out in his actions. "But I tell you anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." (Matthew 5:27-28) Christ calls it emotional adultery and that's what it is.

Do you have any proof of this?



Like I said I got this from an article online. Those aren't my words. But few months ago the pastor at my church did talk about adultery.


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01 Sep 2010, 1:49 pm

I don't view religion as a good way to define adultery. Other people are free to use religion as a basis for their definition, but it still has no basis in actual fact.


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luvsterriers
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02 Sep 2010, 7:16 am

When a married man is staring at a woman and winking or smiling at her I think it would make her feel uncomfortable. Just looking may be ok, but some women don't like it. I see these two middle aged married men from time to time on the subway train and they both just stare at me. They don't smile or wink at me, but they just stare with this death look. I can't really describe it but it makes me uncomfortable. I never married, but I was in a long term relationship. My boyfriend would look at women and say wow she's hot. Of course that made me uncomfortable and hurt. When I was with him I never would say wow that guy is hot. But I guess if a women is wearing something like this, men will stare.

http://www.fanpop.com/spots/ghost-whisp ... rdon-photo

But I guess the question is, is the women dressing something like that to get mens attention or is she wanting to dress like that for her boyfriend/fiance/spouse?

I don't know.. :?


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02 Sep 2010, 8:51 am

i dont know why everyone's giving her a hard time. everyone looks but to do it constantly infront of your partner is kindof disrespectful, especially if they're insecure or starting to feel bad about it (which she clearly is). if my husband had been constantly perving for 30years in front of me id probably be pissed and feeling like crap too. and if he'd rather do that than have sex with me id be out the door aswell.
you guys are harsh.



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02 Sep 2010, 9:28 am

OneStepBeyond wrote:
i dont know why everyone's giving her a hard time. everyone looks but to do it constantly infront of your partner is kindof disrespectful, especially if they're insecure or starting to feel bad about it (which she clearly is). if my husband had been constantly perving for 30years in front of me id probably be pissed and feeling like crap too. and if he'd rather do that than have sex with me id be out the door aswell.
you guys are harsh.


I totally agree. My husband doesn't treat me well, but even he isn't as bad as this with looking at other women. I'd have been long gone if he was.

~Kate


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02 Sep 2010, 7:09 pm

A man is going to look at a nice looking women when she walks by. (and vice versa, women look when a good looking man walks by). It's nature.
However if it is 24x7 and he is flaunting it in your face, then its wrong. The fact he prefers porn over actual sex would indicate he has some porn addiction issues. Porn addiction has nothing to do with AS.



Crion87
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03 Sep 2010, 5:12 am

I'm sorry, Kati, but you said that your husband prefers looking at pornography over the "real thing" as it were?!

:wall:

I just find that unmerited, disgusting, and moreover, weird. I can understand one consuming pornography when they are single; but when a partner with any level of commitment beyond a one-night stand enters one's life, I think the porn stash, virtual or otherwise, should be axed. In the case of magazines, disposed of as one sees fit, whether giving them to a single friend who wants such, or even simply destroying them (perhaps through fire; that'd be befitting in a way).

As a 23-year old young man with Asperger Syndrome who has unfortunately been someone who has seen his fair share of porn (shame to be thinking that the Internet, meant to be a socio-political renaissance, instead gets turned into a planetary adult movie store; says something about humanity at large when you think of it - but I digress) over the time. I'm not going to deign myself to speak of any of what I have seen, but all I'll say is even I find a lot of the material that would even be legal in most countries to be distasteful and sleazy, and I have intentionally stayed away from anything involving non-consensual stuff (that also includes underage stuff and cruelty to animals, I find even the thought of both such existing out there to be heinous and wicked, and I would never seek any of that out). Unfortunately, although the expression used is meant to be jocular, there is a sad fact about the World Wide Web.

In the informal channels of the Internet, that sad fact is commonly termed "Rule 34". It originally applied to fan fiction, but also can be extended to the 'Net in general - it means that no matter what something is there is bound to be pornographic material of it. Therefore, unless you are clever enough to place the right kinds of filters and firewalls on your computer, your husband already has a porn stash in the form of an Internet access. Nonetheless I am flabbergasted when I hear of married men, or men in any kind of commitment, using that porn stash as it were. I don't want to get into detail on relationships I have had but in my own humble opinion (not that it counts for anything) I would much prefer experiencing the real thing (preferably with someone I would feel some kind of commitment and love for if possible).

As I said, it's common to be using porn when one is single. But, at least as I believe, the playing field changes when a partner is in the mix, and porn should no longer be necessary. I have heard of some couples using porn as an aid for their own - ahem - "bedroom activities" - but from what you've said I'm certain this isn't or at least hasn't been the case here.

However, I have always valued real-life experience of things over vicarious experience, and sexual intercourse and other sexual activities are not an exception. In the recent past when I did have a girlfriend, I prefered the idea of looking at her nude or near-nude body rather than some anonymous girl on the Internet, no matter how pleasing the latter may seem when one is single. It didn't matter when I had a girl who was, for want of better phrasing, Plus-sized (as well as suffering from borderline personality disorder, but that's a matter for another thread). It would not matter to me even if the girlfriend in question would be albinistic (I would actually find such interesting, but that is definitely besides the point). But, unfortunately, a lot of men, Asperger's or not, are not as discriminating.

Everyone's different, men with Asperger Syndrome included - but I'm feeling your man probably isn't very attached to you. You said English is your second language; if I may be so bold as to ask, what is your original nationality? Is he from a different country to you, or from the same country? I ask since sometimes, men can get inadvertently attracted to people who aren't of their actual ethnicity or nationality.

I know saying this in your circustance is likely insult to injury, but a lot of older men become attracted to younger women, whether they have Asperger Syndrome or not. Personally, I find that disgusting and would hope that I can be above that behaviour when I am 50-odd should I have a life-partner/wife at the time; I have seen many times when an older man of my own people would leave their own partner and end up marrying a foreign woman, usually Filipino or some other South-East Asian ethnicity; the woman is always painted out to be the villain in such instances (for wanting the Australian citizenship, and for financial security) when the older man is also to blame as well (curiously, the older man is usually seen as an innocent victim when it goes wrong, due to cultural double standards).

However, even given all of what I have said Kati, I think your husband has some very bad problems, and I'm not talking about Asperger Syndrome. Not all men are "dumb pigs" as feminists and/or other less than pleased women would tar us all with the same brush, but at the risk of fuelling misandry and incurring further dislike, most of us are, unfortunately. All I can say is get that man to some sort of counselling for getting rid of his porn addiction. If that fails, and you've tried every other measure to stop him, even though it is common, I say divorce him - regardless of his excuses, if he is hurting you in any serious way (as from what I gather what has been said by you on his focusing on any kind of internet porn or other such) he doesn't deserve to be with you. To be honest, if he's focusing so much on porn and can't make love to you, I don't think he'll notice your absence from his life that much. But even so, I would not recommend that you try and get back at him through infidelity - I have heard of it happening, but all it does is reduce you to the offender's level, if not worse.

Nevertheless, I wish you the best of luck with trying to get this guy off the porn. I hope you succeed and "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" effects the relationship you have with him as a result. But if it fails and you have to make certain life-changing decisions (and I mean divorce) don't feel too bad about yourself in any way. If it is that bad there's nothing you could have done anyway and he would have continued consuming porn - as we say in the English language, "a leopard can't change its spots".

(Sorry everyone for the huge Wall Of Text, but I had to be as comprehensive as I could.)



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