Is there a single person in the world who shares my views?

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KingofCorrect
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19 Oct 2010, 5:15 pm

I think love is about patience. Who can you afford to be patient with for the rest of your life? You guys are going to fight, that's okay. What's important is that you remember what attracted you to each other in the first place.



auntblabby
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19 Oct 2010, 5:32 pm

nobody seems to value loyalty these days. :( i guess that went out with button shoes also :roll:



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19 Oct 2010, 11:25 pm

samtoo wrote:
Who shares my views about what love should be about?
Most people do not agree with me in the slightest.
I always think - love should have loyalty and honour deep rooted to such an extent that the only reasons to ever leave a relationship should be if someone does something really bad.
Other than that, I think relationships should be firm and strong, and almost unbreakable.
Why does no one share my view? My family don't, my ex doesn't, and I just feel lonely and depressed because of most people not being as extreme as I am.


Samtoo,

Thank you for your post.

I'm copying part of my response from a reply I made to a thread about what is love.

"Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”

Robert Heinlein

This is the most all encompassing definition of love I have ever encountered. In short,if you love someone their needs and concerns should matter to you just as yours should to them. And, both parties should act accordingly!

In terms of a romantic relationship, I think a relationship is a mutually beneficial partnership in which each party gets some of what they want- but neither party gets everything they want. Compromise is essential. End of the day, romantic partners should have each other's backs

Samtoo, I think actions speak louder than words. In keeping with this premise, especially when two people really love each other they should strive to treat each other with honor and respect. And, of course, at times we hurt our loved ones but as imperfect creatures, it's inevitable. The crux of the matter is that it should not be the norm and intentional!

Personally, I base all my interpersonal relationships with people I love (romantic, friends, family) on the concept of reciprocity. In simplest terms, treat someone the way you want to be treated (with respect and dignity). The old adage of the golden rule nicely sums up reciprocity for me. What is the point of loving someone who treats you shabbily?

In this life, not a one of us can avoid pain, stress and heartache. Through the best and worst of times, I firmly believe that people are what get people through, especially the people we love and those who love us. Frequently, all we can do to emotionally support someone we love is to be there for them - in short, we can't wave a magic wand and make their pain disappear.

During my divorce, I invested a lot of time thinking about core cerebral attributes I seek in a viable romantic match. I call them the Top 5. They are:
(1) Highly intelligent - bordering on brilliant (life smart and book smart, and the more intelligent, the more attractive they are)
(2) Passionate about life while still being compassionate about people (ethics)
(3) Tenacity - someone who hangs in there even when the going gets tough
(4) Trustworthiness and loyalty beyond reproach as evidenced by a proven track record of such decorum and behavior
(5) Self-awareness - probably the same as self- knowledge - someone who knows the good, the bad and the ugly about oneself

The ranking does not indicate importance, as I think all are equally important.

For my purposes, I choose to place as much emphasis (if not more) on personality and cerebral attributes than on physical attractiveness. Although I contend mutual physical attraction is essential for a successful romantic relationship in most cases, I firmly believe the required meeting of the minds and hearts is the delineating factor (even a dealbreaker) for the sustained longevity of a solid relationship.

In my personal experience, a person who you love, respect and admire can become stunningly gorgeous to you by sheer virtue of how you feel about them (and vice versa).

In an attempt to be crystal clear, by "total package" I mean perceiving someone as a combination of all their attributes - mental, spiritual and physical.

As a Hopeful Romantic, (and hopeful makes all the difference for me), I believe that love in all forms (family, friends, romantic, love of art, literature, whatever) makes life worth living.

Just my take on things!! And So It Goes said Vonnegut!



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20 Oct 2010, 6:16 am

auntblabby wrote:
nobody seems to value loyalty these days. :( i guess that went out with button shoes also :roll:


Back in the day of button shoes :D much more people would believe it was a sin to get a divorce... so really, was it about loyalty or fear of damning their soul? It's harder to brainwash these days. Loyalty comes naturally though. If two people really love each other it's not even given a thought they simply stay together.



TheWeirdPig
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20 Oct 2010, 9:20 am

It is true that modern social norms make it more difficult for people to be loyal. Divorce is easier both legally and socially, which has lead it to being more morally acceptable. Professional athletes stayed with their club because the owners did not allow free agency. With globalization, people are less likely to be loyal to a name brand such as an automobile.

The question is whether loyalty is pragmatic or is it a value? So here's my take. Loyalty itself is a value, but it has pragmatic uses. On the other hand, people may stay with a partner, sports team, employer, make of automobile, etc. simply for pragmatic reasons for a lifetime and loyalty as a value never enters the picture A farmer may always drive Fords because there is no other dealerships withing 100 miles. An outside observer may think, "He's very loyal to Ford." But really, the farmer prefers Chevrolet. I know someone who will fly to Sweden to buy a Volvo and ship it home.

The late Hall of Fame baseball player Kirby Pucket said upon his induction into the Hall of Fame that his greatest accomplishment was wearing the same cap his entire career in the age of free agency.

Is loyalty as a value less prevalent than it was in the past? I'm not sure. I would like to see more talk about loyalty as a value by our society.



b9
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20 Oct 2010, 9:25 am

no one has to share my ideas for my ideas to be valid.

if i was cast away to a habitable planet in another galaxy where no life yet existed, then i would as surely believe what i think as i do here amid the myriads of thinkers that think outside my world.



auntblabby
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20 Oct 2010, 10:32 pm

Geist wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
nobody seems to value loyalty these days. :( i guess that went out with button shoes also :roll:


Back in the day of button shoes :D much more people would believe it was a sin to get a divorce... so really, was it about loyalty or fear of damning their soul? It's harder to brainwash these days. Loyalty comes naturally though. If two people really love each other it's not even given a thought they simply stay together.


then i guess love has gone out with button shoes then. our nation uniquely has over a 50% divorce rate, and a 90% subsequent divorce rate. people fight over the most insipid things. more loving loyalty=less divorce, less contention overall.



CaroleTucson
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24 Oct 2010, 1:23 pm

samtoo wrote:
Who shares my views about what love should be about?
Most people do not agree with me in the slightest.


I don't disagree with you. I had to smile though, because what you describe just sounds so thoroughly Aspie. How well I know it!



Sallamandrina
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24 Oct 2010, 2:53 pm

b9 wrote:
no one has to share my ideas for my ideas to be valid.


You are so right and I'm so glad you wrote this here.

Many would be much happier if they understood this.


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24 Oct 2010, 3:22 pm

I sort of think people too many break up for stupid reasons, but they also get into relationships for stupid reasons. It is none of my concern.

I have a lot of patience with my bf and he has a lot of patience with me.

I think it's a necessity for me to love someone in life. I couldn't buy into that Buddhist non-attachment stuff, though I tried. I do realise that other people are independent beings and I have no control of them. I had to stop loving someone once, because by doing so, I was hurting them. It was less painful to stop than it was to continue hurting them and myself.

I've been told I don't analyse my feelings enough. I don't think far ahead enough with relationships. I have the same attitude to life though. I'm happy to just get on with it.



samtoo
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24 Oct 2010, 8:12 pm

I feel hurt again. :(
To be so sensitive as to almost cry because of listening to a song I heard when I was with my ex girlfriend, and seeing that she now has a picture up on facebook...

How sensitive am I?

This is but one thing that is hurting tonight... there is a much bigger problem - at least I can finally say, thoughts of my ex girlfriend aren't my biggest concern.


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25 Oct 2010, 2:26 am

Well I pretty much share the same views. If two people really love and care about each other, I think they should work hard to save the relationship. Great things take work and time.



SuperApsie
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25 Oct 2010, 6:21 am

From Moog

Quote:
I don't know about 'deep rooted'. There's a clingy, attachment vibe going on in your posts... I don't think it's healthy. You should be careful about reframing your vices or weakness as virtues.


I agree

From geist
Quote:
I don't think you can just grab a relationship out of thin air and make it work. Just finding someone you want to spend the rest of your life with can take a lifetime. Plus people are always growing and changing from every day life experiences, often times growing apart. You only hurt yourself in the end if you think any other way. If you find someone you love and are lucky enough to have them love you back, enjoy them for as much time as you have them in your life.. no expectations.


I agree

From you
Quote:
Perhaps I just get so vulnerable - and somewhat paranoid - that I feel attacked, and I guess the immediate reaction from feeling attacked is wanting a sense of "justice".


Even if, we aspies, do cherish balance, symmetry or justice, call it however you like it. It is something that require constant calibration, enlargement of scope, acceptance of new parameters in the equation. It is our curse and the implications are tremendous, we do sometimes distort in the noise of life, forget or even don't realize that some stuff do exist and has its weight in the balance.

So no, you are definitely not alone on that one.


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azurecrayon
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25 Oct 2010, 10:09 am

while loyalty and love and ever after are wonderful ideals, you are expecting perfect emotions and actions from imperfect creatures.

people change over time. their ideals change, their goals change, their hopes and dreams change. sometimes that causes the ability to love a specific person to change. or maybe your partner changes in one of those ways, and either you cannot remain with them or they cannot remain with you.

there are very few types of love in the world that are truly forever, and i dont see romantic love as necessarily being one of them. for some people, yes, but for many others, no. its simply not an unconditional love like that for your parents, siblings, or children. with romantic love, we fall in love with people because of who they are, not simply because they exist like we feel for family. and when who you are or who the other person is changes, sometimes it doesnt work anymore.

at least thats my take on it.


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26 Oct 2010, 3:51 pm

Stellar wrote:
Well I pretty much share the same views. If two people really love and care about each other, I think they should work hard to save the relationship. Great things take work and time.


Yeah, I share the OP's views, too. I think its sad that honor and loyalty mean nothing these days. I don't have a partner, but if I did, she'd be my whole world. People do not seem to work hard at anything anymore, even relationships.

It may be my Aspieness showing, but I am only interested in having one girl.



JazzofLife
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27 Jan 2011, 12:58 am

HopefulRomantic wrote:
During my divorce, I invested a lot of time thinking about core cerebral attributes I seek in a viable romantic match. I call them the Top 5. They are:
(1) Highly intelligent - bordering on brilliant (life smart and book smart, and the more intelligent, the more attractive they are)
(2) Passionate about life while still being compassionate about people (ethics)
(3) Tenacity - someone who hangs in there even when the going gets tough
(4) Trustworthiness and loyalty beyond reproach as evidenced by a proven track record of such decorum and behavior
(5) Self-awareness - probably the same as self- knowledge - someone who knows the good, the bad and the ugly about oneself

The ranking does not indicate importance, as I think all are equally important.

For my purposes, I choose to place as much emphasis (if not more) on personality and cerebral attributes than on physical attractiveness. Although I contend mutual physical attraction is essential for a successful romantic relationship in most cases, I firmly believe the required meeting of the minds and hearts is the delineating factor (even a dealbreaker) for the sustained longevity of a solid relationship.

In my personal experience, a person who you love, respect and admire can become stunningly gorgeous to you by sheer virtue of how you feel about them (and vice versa).

In an attempt to be crystal clear, by "total package" I mean perceiving someone as a combination of all their attributes - mental, spiritual and physical.

As a Hopeful Romantic, (and hopeful makes all the difference for me), I believe that love in all forms (family, friends, romantic, love of art, literature, whatever) makes life worth living.

Just my take on things!! And So It Goes said Vonnegut!


From reading some of your posts, I sense you do a lot of reflecting. You wrote, "For my purposes, I choose to place as much emphasis (if not more) on personality and cerebral attributes than on physical attractiveness. Although I contend mutual physical attraction is essential for a successful romantic relationship in most cases, I firmly believe the required meeting of the minds and hearts is the delineating factor (even a dealbreaker) for the sustained longevity of a solid relationship."

I wish more people think the way you do. I know, I know.. a lot of people talk about how there's got to be the physical attractiveness when first meeting someone - or else there's nothing. Let's be honest here...all it's about the four dimensions - body, mind, spirit, and heart. Anyone can be of terrific body, but what about the mind, spirit, and heart. Anyone can be of terrific mind, but what about the other things. Likewise, with the spirit and heart. I'm not implying everyone's got to be great at everything or else. But I will content that there's got to be a blend of some sort.


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