Loving Someone with Asperger's



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cariel
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Mon Oct 11, 2010 11:50 am

Are you in an intimate relationship with someone who has Asperger's syndrome? Or, do you have Asperger's syndrome and have a partner who doesn't? As a clinician here at Alternative Choices I've worked with many couples in 'mixed' relationships, where one of the partners is 'neurotypical' and the other has AS. Now I have a contract with New Harbinger Publishers to write a book geared primarily toward helping the neurotypical partner to understand Asperger's syndrome and to get more love and satisfaction out of the relationship.

I am writing about both the pros and cons of trying to make the relationship work when two people are coming from two very different places. I'm addressing various topics that typically arise in therapy sessions such as the anger, the loneliness, and the frustration of trying to connect deeply with a partner who may be very different from you.

I have lots of information, ideas, clinical examples, and tips ... but I'm also interested in hearing from you before I finish my writing by the end of the year. What are some of the successes and failures in your own 'mixed' relationship? I'd love to hear your story, listen to your ideas, and answer questions that you might have. Your questions will help me to know what topics people really need to know about and make sure to cover them rather than writing the same stuff that's already out there.

Please share your comments or questions either here on our Face Book page or privately on my email which is [email protected]

Thanks!



LabPet
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Mon Oct 11, 2010 12:57 pm

Although Neurotypicals (NT) can be vexing at times, I am sexually/romantically attracted to NT men. I have a strong genetic predisposition to (Autistic Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and oftentimes Aspies attract other Aspies. But, I want/need NT males because they compliment myself and I like strong/older men who are protective and paternal. Also, I am highly analytical, science/math oriented, and I tend to prefer males who are less analytical than myself; same rationale as above. I am a feminine, and very shy, female Aspie, Dx AS.


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HopeGrows
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Mon Oct 11, 2010 8:26 pm

First, I'm a little surprised that your book deadline is just a few months away, and it appears that you're just starting to solicit information from a data sample that's probably large enough to offer a fairly complete perspective of Aspie/NT dating. That concerns me, because the subject matter seems (to me) to be endlessly complicated and nuanced. That's a lot of knowledge to gather in a few months.

That said, the information you're looking for is in this forum. You'll probably find more authentic data here than just about anywhere. Although people may still try to shade the truth a little to make themselves appear a bit more favorably, that typically doesn't go over well with the people who respond. My advice to you is to start reading the forum posts, and contact the folks who have stories you're interested in. Good luck.


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LabPet
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Tue Oct 12, 2010 3:07 am

Ditto to above. Just a suggestion....cariel, if it's helpful, you could make an (unofficial) poll to your thread. Just for a cursory look at semi-random responses. Probably just looking around on the Wrong Planet you'll find what you are seeking. Good luck :)

Next, why would an NT choose an Aspie? We are Spock-like and hot 8)


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cariel
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Tue Oct 12, 2010 8:01 am

Thanks for your comments and suggestions!
The book deadline is actually more than 6 months away so I do feel I have time to get into the depths of the topic with people. I first wanted to get a little head start on some of my writing so that I could have at least some direction before I started any big discussions. I have read just about everything I could get my hands on that's been written so far (in English) and have also been working with people who have autism spectrum conditions and their partners and family members for many years - I'm not new to the entire scene, just to being a member of wrong planet.
I have seen lots of relevant and brilliant writing on wrong planet which is why I decided that this should be my starting point in trying to reach out. I do appreciate your responses and will follow through on your suggestions.



James0Zero
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Tue Oct 12, 2010 9:50 am

I have a story for you. And I hope that you can either incorporate this or help me with it. I have a (Supposedly) NT girlfriend who I love very much. I explained my condition to her awhile ago but she rejected it, saying things like "I'm just making excuses." or "Your not that different everybody has problems like you.". Because of the very nature of my AS I haven't been able to articulate my point to her. She outright told me to not mention it to her for quite awhile (As I admit to obsessing over getting more information about it when I started looking into it a few weeks ago and talking her ear off about it.). All I want is for her to understand my condition and what I'm going through so she knows to look out for me not catching hints or the many other quirks of my condition. All I want is her understanding. She already loves me and I really love her. How's that? Is this normal?


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Shebakoby
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Thu Oct 14, 2010 8:01 pm

James0Zero wrote:
I have a story for you. And I hope that you can either incorporate this or help me with it. I have a (Supposedly) NT girlfriend who I love very much. I explained my condition to her awhile ago but she rejected it, saying things like "I'm just making excuses." or "Your not that different everybody has problems like you.". Because of the very nature of my AS I haven't been able to articulate my point to her. She outright told me to not mention it to her for quite awhile (As I admit to obsessing over getting more information about it when I started looking into it a few weeks ago and talking her ear off about it.). All I want is for her to understand my condition and what I'm going through so she knows to look out for me not catching hints or the many other quirks of my condition. All I want is her understanding. She already loves me and I really love her. How's that? Is this normal?


her inability to accept/understand your condition will make for serious problems later on.



ducky9924
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Fri Oct 15, 2010 2:09 am

Were you harping on it? That might be whats annoying her.



James0Zero
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Fri Oct 15, 2010 5:16 am

Would you believe we've solved the problem? And yes I was harping on it that's why she asked me to stop. I convinced her that whatever hints she was throwing out I couldn't catch. She finally gave in and told me she still loves me very much but didn't like my melodrama and treated it like she treats all her problems, sweeps it under the rug and pretends it doesn't exist. So every time I'd confront her about... well her not telling me anything, she wouldn't tell me anything, and would even ignore me, which lead me to doubt and try to fill in the blanks. I became paranoid as hell and was only getting worse till one of my friends convinced her that this problem wasn't going away it was getting worse, like all problems you try to ignore. So she told me everything on her mind and we came to a compromise. I'd stop harping on things and being melodramatic (I had only been such in the past month or so) and she'd open up to me more. We're very happy now and I hope that she can learn by experience my differences and how to handle them. I think she's prefer it that way anyway, she dose love challenges. Hopefully in time she'll understand, but for now I'm just glad things got cleared up.


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cariel
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Fri Oct 15, 2010 8:12 am

James0Zero, I'm glad things are working out for you guys and also really glad you wrote. The issue you bring up highlights some of the issues that my forthcoming book also addresses, namely, that partners both sometimes feel that they are misunderstood or not listened to. It's important for both to make some compromises and really listen to what the other is telling them. The book is geared toward helping someone who does not have AS to understand and be in a positive loving relationship with someone who does. As such, I most often hear partners upset that their partner with AS does not understand them. It's important for those without AS to realize that this also works the other way around, and your dilemma and subsequent solution brought out these points in a good way. Sounds like you and your partner have come to a good place in listening and respecting what the other needs.



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