Do you need a romantic relationship in order to be happy?



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Alla
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12 Oct 2010, 7:30 pm

Is there much that a romantic relationship can add to your life that would actually make it better? Even if there are a few nice things that go along with a relationship, are they worth it?

Are you in it for the sex? You can probably get the sex without being in a relationship
Are you with someone because you need him/her to support you emotionally? Friends and family can do that
Do you need someone to help pay part of your rent/bills? A roomate can do that.
Do you need validation that you are smart, beautiful, etc.? Again, family, friends, colleagues can do that.

Do, what would a romantic relationship add to your life that you can't eassily find in any other person or group of people?



Brianruns10
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12 Oct 2010, 8:04 pm

Idunno, it's always felt to me like a big catch-22. They say you need to be happy, content, and confident before you embark upon a relationship with another human being, but what if you aren't happy, content or confident because you're not in a relationship?



Alla
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12 Oct 2010, 8:09 pm

Brianruns10 wrote:
Idunno, it's always felt to me like a big catch-22. They say you need to be happy, content, and confident before you embark upon a relationship with another human being, but what if you aren't happy, content or confident because you're not in a relationship?


But what if you quite happy and confident and all the romantic relationships would bring is a decrease in the percentage of your happiness?



ToadOfSteel
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12 Oct 2010, 8:23 pm

Alla wrote:
Is there much that a romantic relationship can add to your life that would actually make it better? Even if there are a few nice things that go along with a relationship, are they worth it?

Are you in it for the sex? You can probably get the sex without being in a relationship
Are you with someone because you need him/her to support you emotionally? Friends and family can do that
Do you need someone to help pay part of your rent/bills? A roomate can do that.
Do you need validation that you are smart, beautiful, etc.? Again, family, friends, colleagues can do that.

Do, what would a romantic relationship add to your life that you can't eassily find in any other person or group of people?


For me, it's 2 (and to a lesser extent 4). And no, friends and family can't do that because I need an emotionally deeper connection than mere friends and family can provide...



jamesongerbil
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12 Oct 2010, 8:41 pm

Yeah, I could get sex w/o a relationship, but I'd run the risk of getting a reputation...
I like um my life with one person. That's nearly all I need socially.



RyanS
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12 Oct 2010, 9:31 pm

Babies...

Perhaps it's possible, but I have never had a romantic relationship that was similar to my relationship with friends and family...

The physical intimacy I feel with a potential mate is very different for me, and the fact that I haven't spent years of my life with her makes her interesting, and a potentially useful source of information.

Well, there are many potential benefits. One merely needs to 'extract' them.

Another related aspect is that one can meet a guy or gal who is better than one's family and friends, AND who provides the function of sexual fulfillment, AND other functions listed.

A romantic relationship SHOULD be... all of that good stuff in one lovely person. Of course there are people who don't know how to have such relationships, or choose the wrong people for them. But they are possible.

A girlfriend/boyfriend, spouse, etc. can be a great friend, and if it's a long-term relationship, they can be a uniquely reliable individual, with which one is comfortable in all ways...

One important way in which such a person differs from family is that they are chosen (unless it's that arranged crap).

One way to define what may be the ideal "romantic relationship" is simply: two people who choose to be mutually reliable, to an extent that no other person in their lives matches.

And if they have a baby, it complicates things but becomes even more differentiated from other relationships. The baby's parents are primarily responsible for the baby, by natural law. The baby has two parents, and usually (not always), they feel a unique affection for their offspring (which is partially by choice, not entirely biological).



RyanS
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12 Oct 2010, 9:36 pm

Well, when I say what the romantic relationships should be _____, I mean that as one kind of ideal romantic relationship, but there are other kinds since the term is ambiguous.

edit: The term is ambiguous because there are other kinds.



Seanmw
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12 Oct 2010, 10:16 pm

Alla wrote:
Is there much that a romantic relationship can add to your life that would actually make it better? Even if there are a few nice things that go along with a relationship, are they worth it?

Are you in it for the sex? You can probably get the sex without being in a relationship
Are you with someone because you need him/her to support you emotionally? Friends and family can do that
Do you need someone to help pay part of your rent/bills? A roomate can do that.
Do you need validation that you are smart, beautiful, etc.? Again, family, friends, colleagues can do that.

Do, what would a romantic relationship add to your life that you can't eassily find in any other person or group of people?


hmmm, you've seemed to have left out the bit about children :lol:

and what if a person wants sex with the added perk of emotional intimacy to make it just that much better & intense? it's hard to find that outside of a relationship.

and relationships you have with significant others is generally deeper than with family/friends.
emotional support from family/friends is alright in most cases, yeah, but the quality's not going to be as good, not as satisfying or comforting.

splitting bills is just an added perk. Roommates are a dime a dozen. who's more likely to bail on you when the finances are down?

also, validation from friends and family just isn't on the same level as validation from a significant other.

on top of all that, why go to multiple people for all those things, when you can get it all from one person? it just makes more sense *shrug*


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CanadianRose
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12 Oct 2010, 10:29 pm

long term romantic relationships are not necessarily a pre-requisite to a happiness, but many happy people find joy in a romantic relationship.

A long term romantic relationship allows one to be with someone who looks at you with the same fondness as they did when you were in your youth. They have grown in maturity with you. They can share current joys, remember past joys and look forward to future joys.

I love being in a long term relationship (married to my dear husband since 2003).

On the other hand - one can be perfectly happy and be single and unattached.



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12 Oct 2010, 11:01 pm

Alla wrote:
Is there much that a romantic relationship can add to your life that would actually make it better? Even if there are a few nice things that go along with a relationship, are they worth it?

I think the rite kind of relationship can add a lot & would be worth it.

Alla wrote:
Are you in it for the sex? You can probably get the sex without being in a relationship.

I'm a borderline Asexual so NO but I might would love sex if things were serious & she enjoyed it. I would NOT feel comfortable with sex from someone I'm not close to.

Alla wrote:
Are you with someone because you need him/her to support you emotionally? Friends and family can do that.

That's a main rezone I want a relationship. I've never been close to my family & we have lots of misunderstanding & we never gotten along. I have almost no friends offline & the friendship I do have tend to be one sided; they are busy so they only see & talk to me when they need something or it's convenient for them. If I got really close to someone; I would probably become very dependent on it so a relationship would be the best solution because we could both be attached to each other. I become attracted to most every woman I am friends with for a while.

Alla wrote:
Do you need someone to help pay part of your rent/bills? A roomate can do that.

Not at the moment because I'm still living with my parents who are paying for all the household expenses. I wouldn't mind being with someone who was unemployed or disabled as well.

Alla wrote:
Do you need validation that you are smart, beautiful, etc.? Again, family, friends, colleagues can do that.

I'm fairly conformable with myself but most other people are not. My family think I'm a selfish unmotivated mentally retorted dependent lazy parasitic leech & my mom often tells me that her & my dad would of been much better off if they didn't have me. My friends only tend to care about me when they need something.

Alla wrote:
Do, what would a romantic relationship add to your life that you can't eassily find in any other person or group of people?

It would depend on the kind of person I was with somewhat but it would be nice to have someone I can talk to about most anything, depend/rely on & being there for someone would make me feel like I'm less a burden. I also want love & affection that I will never get from family or friends; but my partner would be my family & best friend


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Last edited by nick007 on 13 Oct 2010, 12:45 am, edited 2 times in total.

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12 Oct 2010, 11:16 pm

I have a few cousins (NT) who are either lifelong singles or divorced and now lifelong singles. My dad has said it though, I see it as well, they are some of the happiest and most confident people he knows of in the family. I think its because they've had an independent streak, life just didn't choose things that way and they had no desire to tie themselves in knots for anyone.

I think we have an extra weight of being told that we're stereotypical failures (for our disorder/disability of all things) if we don't end up dating someone. Its not only just typical desire to share something intimately on that level, its a label that's been slapped on us that we may have even been struggling with all our lives, depending on how young were were dx'd (I was dx'd back in 1991 and lets just say most people would be horrified at the bedside manners the doctors I've met over this issue have had).

Personally I try to see the big picture, and for the most part I do - I could be relatively happy so long as I'm pretty successful by my own standards. I haven't really blown opportunities, nor would I shove them aside if they present themselves; just like most of my self improvements are mostly twofold as well - perhaps 80% to make me happy with myself, 20% having to reluctantly admit yes - it helps my ability to be in the right places and have enough going for me to better my odds. Though, admittedly, I just want to have that sort of emotional closeness or bond that I've had with my parents or closest friends of over a decade with someone else in such regard (the need is as much a desire to give as receive in terms of that love), as - when its the right person - it gives a lot of energy and vitality back to your life, your endeavors, just like depression can sap your progress a little so can being loved elevate it considerably. Not to say that I can't achieve plenty on my own, but, it would be a little bittersweet.



Angel_ryan
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12 Oct 2010, 11:28 pm

I could use a relationship I get very bored and lonely but I can't hold on to men because my Aspie traits turn them off eventually. I like to be alone a lot but sometimes I think about wanting someone to be with, but then my thoughts quickly become suicidal. So I have to stop. People aren't for me I like being alone more, but having a mate if I could would be fun I think.



Emeria
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12 Oct 2010, 11:40 pm

Are you in it for the sex? No. There's not much physical affection in the romantic relationship I'm in, mostly because I can't handle it.

Are you with someone because you need him/her to support you emotionally? I don't NEED to be in a romantic relationship in order to have emotional support. I have friends who can do that just fine, but it just so happens that I am in a romantic relationship with one of those said friends.

Do you need someone to help pay part of your rent/bills? Roommate and family do that.

Do you need validation that you are smart, beautiful, etc.? Admittedly, I probably do, but again, I can look elsewhere.

I've come to the conclusion that based on these answers, a romantic relationship is not necessary, but for some people, it makes life a little bit better. I think it's something that varies from person to person. Happiness is an attitude and you can choose to be happy with whatever circumstances you're in. I'm happy in the relationship I'm in right now, but my roommate happens to be happy being single.


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Zara
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13 Oct 2010, 12:38 am

Alla wrote:
Is there much that a romantic relationship can add to your life that would actually make it better? Even if there are a few nice things that go along with a relationship, are they worth it?


The feelings of being understood and accepted in a close personal way are big attraction to a positive relationship.

Quote:
Are you in it for the sex? You can probably get the sex without being in a relationship


No. Yet sex is part of a serious relationship so it'll happen when it happens. Second question, no. It's not that easy to just go out and find sex as someone on the spectrum with limited funds and general risk of STDs and arrest.

Quote:
Are you with someone because you need him/her to support you emotionally? Friends and family can do that


They can't do it on the same intimate level as a partner.

Quote:
Do you need someone to help pay part of your rent/bills? A roomate can do that.


No.

Quote:
Do you need validation that you are smart, beautiful, etc.? Again, family, friends, colleagues can do that.


It's not a reason for me, but I'll gladly take compliments from anyone.

Quote:
Do, what would a romantic relationship add to your life that you can't easily find in any other person or group of people?


Intimacy.


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13 Oct 2010, 3:58 am

Definately not. I have some very good friends who provide amazing amounts of emotional support - I have a boyfriend but half the time it's still my friends that give me a hug after a bad day or listen to my angry rants, and I do the same for them. I share a house with friends anyway so they cut down my rent/bills.

Being in a relationship can be fun and it can bring a lot of positive things, but I am not dependent on being in one, and I never want to be in a relationship with someone who needs a relationship in order to be happy.



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