aspie women & relationships - our struggles

Post Reply New Topic

There's also the basic fact that most of the time I just couldn't be bothered with the effort it takes to interact with others.

^^True that. Thanks for the thoughts hyperlexian. I think I probably contradicted myself a few times but I guess I feel many different ways about the issue. At least I stopped blaming men and realized it was my own issues that were the matter. I don't feel any particular desire for a relationship these days. I don't think I have the emotional fortitude for it. I think I told myself I wanted a relationship because I was conditioned by society to expect one. I've watched my brother's marriage end after 26 years and then my sister's after 32 years and now presently another brother's marriage is on the fritz after 35 years so there's no lifetime guarantee anyway you look at it.

First I wanna say I love this topic & relate to many of the posts.

To add my own unique struggles: I find that I never fall in love with people, I just fall in love with their creations. Whether that be photographs, art, writings, music, or just an image they've created of themselves.

From the time I was a toddler, I was obsessed with creating. Then I became what's known as a "shadow artist" -- someone who doesn't feel confident in their own creative potential, so they date people they feel are more capable of creating, and put all their energy into supporting that person & their art. I know that's not an AS thing, but I let my special interests rule my life to the point that I will date someone based on them rather than because of that person as a human being. So my relationships are very superficial.

Also, due to this & me wanting lots of alone time, I've never wanted to be anyone's gf. But I have spent all of my adulthood in committed long-term relationships because it's the expected & socially acceptable thing to do. It's "normal." I am only now learning to say F that, and enjoy being a single woman.

I find that I really, really love sex. The sensations of it. I am fixated on it. In fact, I constantly masturbate as a way of stimming. So when I am dating someone, I don't see them as a person. I see them as a means to have sex. They get very offended by this. You'd think it'd be every man's fantasy, but it's not. They start to feel used by me. Especially since I hate kissing and small talk about how their day went.

My biggest problem is not being able to diffrentiate true feelings for someone versus a need for social companionship/interaction.

I also have a bad habit of getting into a relationship and riding it out instead of taking heed of the warning signs that I'm about to get hurt...or that I really dont care about the relationship and that is gonna be figured out by the guy.

I'm also a commitment phobe. No guy would be able to tolerate my lifestyle as I tend to be incredibly careless and only cleaning up after myself when I feel like it...also communication problems.

And oh yeah...there's also this tendency I have to attract guys who only like me for the sake of them wanting to be in ANY relationship as opposed to liking the person that I am.

Probably more but I cant think of it.

I am actually gonna start a thread about the whole differentiating from feelings here in a sec.

Regarding makeup - I agree with Hyperlexian. It's like art. I enjoy putting it on, I like the textures, the contrasts, etc. When I was little, one of the things I used to collect was lipstick. I had as many tubes as I could steal and i kept them in a pile under the bed. I hope they remember to put lipstick on me at my funeral - because it's not me without it.

On the OP though, the hardest part about relationship stuff is people expecting me to do all the normal GF or wife stuff. Especially in wife territory, social expectations come into play, from small interactions to filling the role of mother which I resent.

Everyone it seems wants to have a say in what I do with my uterus. Even people at work who I don't even like ask me very personal questions about my plans for having kids or not. It makes me feel almost violent at times. That's one of my biggest relationship issues. There's a lot of pressure to fill the standard woman role to its fullest and I suck even at the simple stuff.

If I were a more outgoing wife I think I could have helped my husband more in his career which in turn would help me.

I get bored with people easily as well. I don't know why. And that made me start thinking about why I've been attracted to the guys I was attracted to in the past. I like someone that I find interesting enough to be around. I find it very hard to meet people that I can comfortably have reciprical conversations with. It's usually I find a quiet person and i talk complete nonsense to them and we don't connect because for some reason I have an inability to ask questions and therefore I never get to know them. Or I meet people that talk and talk at me and bore me silly. There are few people in the world that I manage to connect with enought to easily converse with no matter how I'm feeling. And that is what I am looking for.

I miss a friend of mine terribly because I just find him so interesting to talk to. He is funny and has a unique take on the world. Unfortunately I fell for him, but he is now in a relationship with someone else and I feel like because he knows how I feel about him I can't be friends with him anymore. I have never met anyone else that I've wanted to spend all of my time with. I never get bored of him. I wish there was no such thing as attraction and then we could be friends.

Actually, now I think about it I have to add that there is only one other person that I'm attracted to and it's because he is very funny and interesting and comes out with the most wonderful observations. Although I don't feel quiet as comfortable with him. Weirdly they are both from musical families.

I used to have that same problem of not being able to ask questions. So people would ask me things & I'd just answer. They'd think I was rude for never asking about them or seeming to care, and I'd feel like I was being "interviewed" -- never getting to know them at all.

Now I'm much better about answering something & then saying "How about you?" or initiating questions that pop into my head. But also I've met people who just naturally add to the conversation without me having to do that, which I much prefer.

You know, I've noticed the people who say "You're too quiet!" to me in an accusatory tone have nothing of interest to say themselves. And people who are great conversationalists never say that to me, because they instinctually know how to get me talking. So I think it's just an insecurity thing that boring or socially inept people do.