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QuillBilly
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06 Nov 2010, 10:30 pm

How do I respond when my feelings don't match what people expect me to feel?
For example: When my grandfather died, he was old and ill. It was not a surprise. However, whenever someone heard about his passing, they would say things such as, "I know you're hurting" or "Its okay to feel bad." I didn't feel bad. I wasn't hurting. I was prepared. I was more uncomfortable with the few dozen people at the funeral, most I didn't know.
There are other similar events where people think I feel differently than I do. Are they indicators that my feelings are wrong? Or am I just overthinking this?


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leejosepho
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06 Nov 2010, 11:26 pm

QuillBilly wrote:
How do I respond when my feelings don't match what people expect me to feel?

I try to be careful to not insult those other people or say there is something wrong with the way *they* might be feeling, but I do sometimes say things like, "Oh, not really ..." or maybe even tell them how I actually *do* feel.

QuillBilly wrote:
For example: When my grandfather died ...
I was prepared. I was more uncomfortable with the few dozen people at the funeral, most I didn't know.

I was solemn at my mother's funeral almost two years ago now, but I, like you, was prepared for it. I was there to put a body in the ground, and that was all ... and along with offering a bit of comfort to a few others, that is exactly what I did while I was there ... and I even brought shovels for my brothers and nephews.

QuillBilly wrote:
There are other similar events where people think I feel differently than I do. Are they indicators that my feelings are wrong?

Not at all, but you do still need to be considerate of how others feel differently ... and that is why I was careful to maintain a solemn appearance at my mother's funeral even in spite of being quite happy to see some distant cousins I had not seen in a long time! To walk up to them with a big grin and begin talking loudly and swapping stories and asking questions would have been inappropriate in that kind of setting.


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musicboxforever
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08 Nov 2010, 11:12 am

I relate to that. My Grandma died when I was 7 years old. She went into hospital the year before and I knew that she was going to die. She lasted a year longer than I expected. I had already prepared myself for the news and when my Mum told me she was surprised that I didn't react. Everyone was really worried about how to tell me because we had been very close. I've never been scared of death even as a child.



Dear_one
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10 Nov 2010, 1:32 am

When I was in grade 9, one of the other kids was killed in a car. I found it odd that people expected me to feel sad about that for two reasons. One, I'd been told all my life that Heaven was a better place. Two, the planet was a happier place without that bastard.
Even people with great faith in the afterlife often get very distressed when contact with a friend or relative is mostly cut off. There is such a gulf between NTs and aspies that we don't usually feel much attachment. It isn't very politic to try to correct them, though.
When my dad died, I got called to the 'phone, and then immediately went back to what I was doing. I was glad that we had had a recent meeting that was an improvement over times past, but he never knew me at all.



sharpteeth
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11 Nov 2010, 12:08 am

Simply because your feelings are unusual does not make them "wrong," but because they are unconventional, others may have difficulty understanding them. In situations like this, unless I feel like my boundaries are being violated, I simply try to be pleasant. Regarding your example: Unless there is a reason to assert myself and express my feelings, I just nod and say, "Thank you for your kind words," or something like that. They're trying to be nice so I just try to be nice back without lying about my feelings - so to say, "Yes, it is hard, I am so sad," would be disingenuous, so instead, I say, "Thank you for your support," or the like. They probably don't know what to say, anyway, and a certain measure of decorum is appropriate for that environment, so being compliant is part of the role for the mourning family. It helps family members who are grieving and do feel sad if the others "play along" with their roles... at least that's how I see it.