Being cruel to people with unrequited romantic feelings...

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madbirdgirl
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12 Nov 2010, 9:11 pm

Why is it that most people find it easiest to be cruel and mean to someone who has romantic feelings for them (as opposed to annoying friends, strangers, etc)?
...especially when everyone knows in the back of their mind that it hurts more than anything to be rejected by someone you have feelings for? It doesn't make any sense. I'm interested in finding a psychological explanation for this.

From my personal experience, i feel a tad guilty at first but if they persist, I start to feel offended and I take pleasure in doing/saying things that will disappoint them or make them very sad. I know it's wrong, but so many other people seem to act this way too. And I've been on the receiving end of this... torment.



SuperApsie
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12 Nov 2010, 9:29 pm

I think it makes sense.

Because you think the opposite of love is hate, because you don't love them but they love you:
you try to make them hate you to "cancel" their love

But there is a problem: In your attempt to make them hate you
- You disclose to you and the person, what you hate about yourself
- Hate does not cancel love, and what you tried, fails
- You might feel guilt but you can't show it, he might love you again, so you replace it with carelessness, and that affect you even more
- Everything mixes up in a cycle: hate, guilt, carelessness.


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ToadOfSteel
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12 Nov 2010, 9:34 pm

SuperApsie wrote:
I think it makes sense.

Because you think the opposite of love is hate, because you don't love them but they love you:
you try to make them hate you to "cancel" their love.


Except the opposite of love is not hate, it's apathy...



bicentennialman
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12 Nov 2010, 9:46 pm

I thought that both hate and apathy could be considered opposites to love, just in different senses. Couldn't you consider the opposite of 100 to be either zero or -100?



SuperApsie
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12 Nov 2010, 10:12 pm

bicentennialman wrote:
I thought that both hate and apathy could be considered opposites to love, just in different senses. Couldn't you consider the opposite of 100 to be either zero or -100?


Yes but in the mechanics of feelings, you can hate and love someone at the same time (they don't cancel each other), so it is completely different


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samsa
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13 Nov 2010, 12:44 am

Often a lot of "being cruel" is simply apathy, ignoring someone is worse then hating them in this case.



hale_bopp
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13 Nov 2010, 3:18 am

Sorry if I seem like an idiot but what exactly are you asking here?

1)Do you mean when someone gets butt hurt when you say no so they treat you like sh*t?
Or do you mean
2)being an intentional dick to someone so they get the message and go away when they like you?

Or something different completely?

The thread title implies 1) and the body of your post implies 2) Clarification would be good.

Or maybe i'm just being a dunce.

Nm, I think you mean 2.

In that case, yes i've done it and its only so I wouldn't have to actually *tell* them to go away. And i've also had it done to me. I'd like to think it's an immaturity thing but I don't know if it is.. adults may do it more subtly?

And I don't think Cruel is the right word either... I mean I'd say purposely more apathic maybe or uninterested?



hale_bopp
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13 Nov 2010, 3:26 am

bicentennialman wrote:
I thought that both hate and apathy could be considered opposites to love, just in different senses. Couldn't you consider the opposite of 100 to be either zero or -100?


Polar opposite is -100, 0 has nothing to do with 100 whatsoever, and using this analogy, i'm going to have to say the polar opposite of love is hate, with apathy being a neutral standpoint.



Chronos
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13 Nov 2010, 3:48 am

It's not my nature to be intentionally cruel to someone.

However...and perhaps I am wrong, but I'm under the impression that to fall in love..or lust with someone, you generally have to spend some moderate to significant degree of time with them.

If you fall in love with someone with whom there was never a mutual attraction, then you probably planted yourself in the friend zone or did not back off when you should have, and in cases like that, the other person does have a right to be mad at you because you intruded on them.



alexptrans
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13 Nov 2010, 5:19 am

hale_bopp wrote:
In that case, yes i've done it and its only so I wouldn't have to actually *tell* them to go away. And i've also had it done to me. I'd like to think it's an immaturity thing but I don't know if it is.. adults may do it more subtly?


I wish people would actually say "sorry, I'm just not interested in you" instead of being all "subtle". I asked a girl out once, and she said, "Sure, I'd love that, it's just that I have so much coursework right now that I'm too busy for that kind of stuff", it's kind of annoying.



Gremmie
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13 Nov 2010, 5:44 am

I do tell people I'm not interested. If I'm mean to them afterwards it's because they're still hanging around dropping constant hints and reminders about how badly I've hurt them. I don't intend to be cruel to them. It's weird... if they can't just drop it then when they're around I feel guilty for hurting them, so part of me gets angry at them and tries to push them away. Sometimes being cruel is the easiest way to do that. I never really realised what I was doing until I analysed my behaviour afterwards though.



AndreaLuna
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13 Nov 2010, 7:39 am

Being cruel to a human being is always wrong, no matter what. There is no need to hurt somebody intentionally and we should all be mindful of doing that even unintentionally. You just need to be clear and firm in your response to them if you are not intersted in a romantic way. I think such behavior has a lot to do with guilt, embarassment and fear of not being able to be clear. In my opinion if I am clear with myself and the other person, I don't feel guilty about expressing my feelings and I can still treat the other person in a nice way. I don't like apathy either, it is like not recognizing that the person in front of you is a human being. You may not feel attracted to them but there is no reason to feel complete apathy towards them either. Human beings are not things, they have feelings and they deserve to be treated as human beings. But I am NT, and this may have something to do with the way I relate to people in general.



techstepgenr8tion
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13 Nov 2010, 11:29 am

If they're too pushy maybe its a sense of necessity?

My experience was actually the complete reverse, which was initially what I thought this thread was from the intro. I had a span from age 20 to 24 while working at a busy restaurant where at least once a month a waitress, hostess, etc. who just started there would take a liking to me, try to flirt, and when they found out that I was either not what they had me drawn up as in their minds or was somehow different they'd act scorned, gave me a hard cold-shoulder, acted like I'd done something horrible to them. It didn't take long before I dreaded it from the start. I tried to meet them half way, believe me, I think it came down to the issue that they were all people who've never been rejected in their lives and the rejection was completely imagined as well - my internal clockwork was too different from theirs, I couldn't react the way they wanted me to (be who they thought I should be), and they couldn't understand as its something I don't think they'd ever conceived or thought of before.



hale_bopp
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13 Nov 2010, 12:06 pm

alexptrans wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
In that case, yes i've done it and its only so I wouldn't have to actually *tell* them to go away. And i've also had it done to me. I'd like to think it's an immaturity thing but I don't know if it is.. adults may do it more subtly?


I wish people would actually say "sorry, I'm just not interested in you" instead of being all "subtle". I asked a girl out once, and she said, "Sure, I'd love that, it's just that I have so much coursework right now that I'm too busy for that kind of stuff", it's kind of annoying.


Yeah it's easier but people are wusses and don't want to deal with conflict at the time :/



hale_bopp
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13 Nov 2010, 12:07 pm

Gremmie wrote:
I do tell people I'm not interested. If I'm mean to them afterwards it's because they're still hanging around dropping constant hints and reminders about how badly I've hurt them.


Amen. I'm only rude to people who won't leave me the f*ck alone after i've TOLD them i'm not interested.



hyperlexian
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13 Nov 2010, 1:17 pm

Gremmie wrote:
I do tell people I'm not interested. If I'm mean to them afterwards it's because they're still hanging around dropping constant hints and reminders about how badly I've hurt them. I don't intend to be cruel to them. It's weird... if they can't just drop it then when they're around I feel guilty for hurting them, so part of me gets angry at them and tries to push them away. Sometimes being cruel is the easiest way to do that. I never really realised what I was doing until I analysed my behaviour afterwards though.

i was on the receiving end of this because i was mooning after some guy long after he had broken up with me (we only dated 5 days and i was getting too committed too fast). i was so hurt and devastated and all that... but it also helped me get over him. i could turn him into a monster in my head and really hate him.


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