Anyone giving out "weird vibes"?

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Bataar
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27 Nov 2010, 2:41 am

So at our Thanksgiving dinner, a single family friend was dining with us. He's my younger brother's best friend. During the event, my sister started telling him about a single female coworker of hers. She started saying how cute and nice she is and was obviously trying to get him interested. My brother, his wife and my sister's husband all start trying to talk her up and encourage him to want to meet her. All I could think about is that as far as I could tell, it never even occurred to them that try to introduce me to this person. They know I have Aspergers, but I try to act as normal as possible around them. For them to not even consider me as a possibility to introduce to this girl, (she's 36, I'm 32 and the friend is 30), tells me that they must notice something about me that I'm not aware of.



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27 Nov 2010, 3:18 am

Bataar wrote:
So at our Thanksgiving dinner, a single family friend was dining with us. He's my younger brother's best friend. During the event, my sister started telling him about a single female coworker of hers. She started saying how cute and nice she is and was obviously trying to get him interested. My brother, his wife and my sister's husband all start trying to talk her up and encourage him to want to meet her. All I could think about is that as far as I could tell, it never even occurred to them that try to introduce me to this person. They know I have Aspergers, but I try to act as normal as possible around them. For them to not even consider me as a possibility to introduce to this girl, (she's 36, I'm 32 and the friend is 30), tells me that they must notice something about me that I'm not aware of.


That is one of many possible reasons. Another might be that they think your brother's friend and this woman would be a good couple. Or they might think you would take offence to being fixed up with someone. Or they might just not have realized you're interested in dating.



Dilbert
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27 Nov 2010, 4:11 am

Or they know she's a total b***h and they don't want you with her?

Or you keep to yourself so they don't know you are single?

Or they tried to set you up before and it didn't work out?

Or _____________________?

Why are you bothered by this? The weird vibe you speak of has nothing to do with those people's actions. The 'weird aspie vibe' is mostly in your own head. You think people think ill of you, and you act accordingly (evasive, defensive, guilty, wants to get away...), which just reinforces their opinion of you. It is a bad feedback loop. This is usually what happens when you meet new people, expecially of oposite gender. Right? Not sure what your family has to do with it...



spongy
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27 Nov 2010, 5:02 am

I have a couple of questions:
First are you looking for a partner?. In case you arent they may not have thought about introducing her to you because they know you wont be interested and it would be pointless.

In case you are looking for a partner do they know you are looking for partner?. If you havent told them about any girl you are interested in lately they may think you are not looking for a partner. Aclear example of this would be my family, every now and then my sisters/I throw small parties at home and on a few occasions my mother has joined us. Last time she heard about two friends of my sisters that were single and she made an attempt to hook them up(we all asume it was jokingly but she did it so many times we have our doubts).

She has never done anything like this to me because I made it clear in the past that I wasnt interested in a relationship and now that Im interested in stablishing one Im trying to keep it away from them(had some trouble when I introduced female friends to my family in the past so right now I try to avoid even mentioning a female friend because they start overreacting).


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Grisha
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27 Nov 2010, 10:08 am

Dilbert wrote:
Or they know she's a total b***h and they don't want you with her?

Or you keep to yourself so they don't know you are single?

Or they tried to set you up before and it didn't work out?

Or _____________________?

Why are you bothered by this? The weird vibe you speak of has nothing to do with those people's actions. The 'weird aspie vibe' is mostly in your own head. You think people think ill of you, and you act accordingly (evasive, defensive, guilty, wants to get away...), which just reinforces their opinion of you. It is a bad feedback loop. This is usually what happens when you meet new people, expecially of oposite gender. Right? Not sure what your family has to do with it...


At least in my case I definitely have a "weird Aspie vibe" which very noticeable, very off- putting, and something over which I have little or no control. (see photo) It almost invariably gives new acquaintances an impression which is quite the opposite of my "internal" personality.

It's very disturbing to me, and creates the "feedback" loop dynamic exactly as you described.

I really wish it was in my head, but I believe it objectively is not.

I definitely sympathize with the OP, but I don't have the slightest idea how to overcome this.

Image
CIMG0371 by Comrade Grisha, on Flickr



sinsboldly
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27 Nov 2010, 1:09 pm

often I have no idea what my 'body language' is saying to other people. I think I have composed my face into some bland vaguely pleasant look and have people react with violence at my seeming hostility towards them.

I have a friend with AS that has that 'flat look'. Even I notice it. So yeah, AS people can give off 'weird vibes' that really put people off.

Wish I had a dollar for everytime someone backed off from me, refusing to have any interaction with me because I was standing' funny' or something on my face was not arranged 'right'. ( I was 56 before I even knew people had body language or facial expressions that conveyed meanings, so I would be ready to retire on a fortune!)


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Bataar
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27 Nov 2010, 2:09 pm

spongy wrote:
I have a couple of questions:
First are you looking for a partner?. In case you arent they may not have thought about introducing her to you because they know you wont be interested and it would be pointless.

In case you are looking for a partner do they know you are looking for partner?. If you havent told them about any girl you are interested in lately they may think you are not looking for a partner. Aclear example of this would be my family, every now and then my sisters/I throw small parties at home and on a few occasions my mother has joined us. Last time she heard about two friends of my sisters that were single and she made an attempt to hook them up(we all asume it was jokingly but she did it so many times we have our doubts).

She has never done anything like this to me because I made it clear in the past that I wasnt interested in a relationship and now that Im interested in stablishing one Im trying to keep it away from them(had some trouble when I introduced female friends to my family in the past so right now I try to avoid even mentioning a female friend because they start overreacting).

I'm not actively looking because I don't see the point. If, by pure chance, I happen to meet someone and hit it off, that would be great, but that's about the only way it will happen. I haven't told them about any girl I have been interested in because whenever I do meet a girl I'm interested, it turns out she's married or engaged or something so I never bother to tell anyone. As far as I know, the friend of ours isn't actively looking for anyone either. Granted, he's not an aspie so he's a lot more social than I am. I guess I'm just concerned that I'm putting out some kind of "creepy" vibe or something that even my close family members can pick up on that I'm oblivious to.



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27 Nov 2010, 2:31 pm

I think sometimes my friends and family don't put me forward for consideration in this way for a few reasons

1. They know I wouldn't be interested
2. They know the other party wouldn't be interested
3. I seem like I don't care about sex and relationships very much
4. I seem content on my own

You might give off a weird vibe too, but it might not necessarily be that.


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Moog
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27 Nov 2010, 2:42 pm

Grisha wrote:
Dilbert wrote:
Or they know she's a total b***h and they don't want you with her?

Or you keep to yourself so they don't know you are single?

Or they tried to set you up before and it didn't work out?

Or _____________________?

Why are you bothered by this? The weird vibe you speak of has nothing to do with those people's actions. The 'weird aspie vibe' is mostly in your own head. You think people think ill of you, and you act accordingly (evasive, defensive, guilty, wants to get away...), which just reinforces their opinion of you. It is a bad feedback loop. This is usually what happens when you meet new people, expecially of oposite gender. Right? Not sure what your family has to do with it...


At least in my case I definitely have a "weird Aspie vibe" which very noticeable, very off- putting, and something over which I have little or no control. (see photo) It almost invariably gives new acquaintances an impression which is quite the opposite of my "internal" personality.

It's very disturbing to me, and creates the "feedback" loop dynamic exactly as you described.

I really wish it was in my head, but I believe it objectively is not.

I definitely sympathize with the OP, but I don't have the slightest idea how to overcome this.

Image
CIMG0371 by Comrade Grisha, on Flickr


I think Dilbert was actually giving out the answer! Re-read, then observe your own behaviour... are you unwittingly responding to the world in a way that reinforces the 'vibe'?

You might think you have no control over it, but what if you do, and you don't know it?


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Grisha
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27 Nov 2010, 3:55 pm

Image
CIMG0371 by Comrade Grisha, on Flickr[/quote]

Quote:
I think Dilbert was actually giving out the answer! Re-read, then observe your own behaviour... are you unwittingly responding to the world in a way that reinforces the 'vibe'?

You might think you have no control over it, but what if you do, and you don't know it?


I'm certainly open to the idea, but my current view is that my odd demeanor is a fundamental characteristic of my AS, like a missing limb is to an amputee. Like everything else on the spectrum, different people have different manifestations of their condition, but this one is particularly pronounced with me.

Prior to my diagnosis, I was baffled why I always seemed to consistently acquire the nickname "Rain Man" - this happened to me three times in completely separate contexts.

I definitely give off a vibe which is characteristic of autism and is easily recognized by people who don't know me or my diagnosis.

There are many things that I can change, but I'm afraid this isn't one of them...



techstepgenr8tion
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27 Nov 2010, 5:03 pm

It could just be personality, maybe he said some things that triggered lightbulbs around the table and they realized 'Wow, that's something she'd say'? They may have you profiled for a different type of girl and just haven't seen anyone who they feel is in your direction yet.



spongy
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27 Nov 2010, 5:59 pm

Bataar wrote:
I'm not actively looking because I don't see the point. If, by pure chance, I happen to meet someone and hit it off, that would be great, but that's about the only way it will happen. I haven't told them about any girl I have been interested in because whenever I do meet a girl I'm interested, it turns out she's married or engaged or something so I never bother to tell anyone. As far as I know, the friend of ours isn't actively looking for anyone either. Granted, he's not an aspie so he's a lot more social than I am. I guess I'm just concerned that I'm putting out some kind of "creepy" vibe or something that even my close family members can pick up on that I'm oblivious to.



I get what you mean, Ive just spent a full week "flirting"(more like pretending to flirt) with a married female (she is clueless about whats happening but she seems to be enjoying the attention)just to make sure I still have some sort of charm.

I usually have similar luck, people dont usually take me seriously when I start telling them about those Im attracted to so I dont bother telling anyone either, however this not telling others has its bad aspects and the main one is that most people arent able to read minds so they wont know you are looking for a partner unless you make some sort of refference to it.

Just so you have an idea one of my few friends that knows me since I was a child asked me the other day if I was interested in someone and apparently the whole not talking about how hot a random female is is usually taken as a sign of being closet gay. I explained him my situation and he understood but the thing is most peopel dont even bother asking and they just assume and that may be one of my problems.

On the other hand you cant talk allways about woman or you would seem too desperate, Im still trying to find a place in between where I can be comfortable because I think that most of my "girl" troubles are caused by my lack of self steem and if I found a way of being more confident with myself I think Ill have more luck.


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27 Nov 2010, 6:27 pm

Grisha wrote:
I'm certainly open to the idea, but my current view is that my odd demeanor is a fundamental characteristic of my AS, like a missing limb is to an amputee. Like everything else on the spectrum, different people have different manifestations of their condition, but this one is particularly pronounced with me.

Prior to my diagnosis, I was baffled why I always seemed to consistently acquire the nickname "Rain Man" - this happened to me three times in completely separate contexts.

I definitely give off a vibe which is characteristic of autism and is easily recognized by people who don't know me or my diagnosis.

There are many things that I can change, but I'm afraid this isn't one of them...


Oh well, I tried.

I say keep challenging limiting beliefs. I think there's been thousands of times I've believed something about myself, only to later go on to quash it.


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SuperApsie
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27 Nov 2010, 6:38 pm

Quote:
Grisha wrote:
Image
CIMG0371 by Comrade Grisha, on Flickr


Quote:
I think Dilbert was actually giving out the answer! Re-read, then observe your own behaviour... are you unwittingly responding to the world in a way that reinforces the 'vibe'?

You might think you have no control over it, but what if you do, and you don't know it?


I'm certainly open to the idea, but my current view is that my odd demeanor is a fundamental characteristic of my AS, like a missing limb is to an amputee. Like everything else on the spectrum, different people have different manifestations of their condition, but this one is particularly pronounced with me.

Prior to my diagnosis, I was baffled why I always seemed to consistently acquire the nickname "Rain Man" - this happened to me three times in completely separate contexts.

I definitely give off a vibe which is characteristic of autism and is easily recognized by people who don't know me or my diagnosis.

There are many things that I can change, but I'm afraid this isn't one of them...


I think there must be a sharp contrast between the image you project to the world and who you are. The impression I got when I see you on the picture is authority (on vacation) You might be either a doctor, a judge, a banker or a CEO (but on vacation)

I also emit this kind of personality (a whole class stopped chatting when entered the classroom late the first day of the year, they thought I was the teacher: complete hilarity after 20 seconds :) ) and my label becomes "crazy scientist"


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