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Greatsharkbite
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02 Dec 2010, 3:25 pm

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I doubt whether just about any heterosexual man would want to be in a relationship with a woman who really didn't want to have sex with him, even if she was willing to consent as a matter of compromise, or as a chore.


You'd unfortunately would be surprised.

My ex (we never made it to that point, we were teens) pretty much said if we had sex, she'd only sit there and let me do all the work, no movement whatsoever.

But while genitalia (the appearance) could actually disgust most people, i'd try to focus on the actual experience instead. Who knows, it might reflect what you think it'll be but.. or it could function like an advanced form of cuddling.



Kilroy
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02 Dec 2010, 3:28 pm

I can guess why you never made it to that point lol



starygrrl
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02 Dec 2010, 4:00 pm

Kilroy wrote:
sex is an act of love or mutual pleasure between two people (or pleasure for one in certain circumstances)
I don't think a lot of guys would want to be with someone with your view of sex, well asexuals yes, they don't have a sex drive


Kilroy is right about this.

Honestly from everything I am reading you need some serious conseling before you really should pursue a relationship. You have some baggage that needs to be worked out in therapy. Also with regards to casual dating, if you are really looking for a partner like you are stating you are not really going to find one unless you embrace the idea. Most good long term relationships start out as casual relationships and evolve into something serious. The casual relationships allow you to screen out whether somebody is actually going to be compatible with you in the long term, and pass on them if there are any early problems. It is a bad idea honestly to jump into a serious relationship, or god forbid marriage too soon. Honestly the statistics that show people date first, than live together for at least a few years, often results in the stronger marriages. Strong relationships do not happen overnight, they take years, and honestly casual dating and relationships.

You are also a bit off with regards to sex being the desert of the relationship. Actually for most relationships that are not asexual it is at the core of the healthy relationship and if there is incompatibility, it can make the entire relationship fall apart. In fact I would call it one of the essential parts of an adult relationship, NOT the desert of the relationship. Many women who don't really fit that third column either find themselves cheated on, in short relationships, or end up divorced. It really is that important. I am not saying it is the only thing in the relationship, but it is central to most healthy adult relationships.

I should note, I did not have sex until my late twenties so there is nothing wrong with waiting until you are ready.. Right now you don't seem ready for things yet, thankfully being a bit behind the curve does not hurt you.


With that being said, from what you are stating you may want to look into dating asexual guys who want romantic companionship but not sex. Also trans-guys (FTM) may not be a bad idea either, I have dated quite a few myself and they tend to be alot more respectful. But I really do think you need therapy first and foremost before trying your hand at relationships, or even dating.



Last edited by starygrrl on 02 Dec 2010, 4:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

MidlifeAspie
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02 Dec 2010, 4:10 pm

starygrrl wrote:
You are also a bit off with regards to sex being the desert of the relationship. Actually for most relationships that are not asexual it is at the core of the healthy relationship and if there is incompatibility, it can make the entire relationship fall apart. In fact I would call it one of the essential parts of an adult relationship, NOT the desert of the relationship.


Thank you for being a woman and saying that. I don't think it was coming across well from the men.



starygrrl
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02 Dec 2010, 4:29 pm

MidlifeAspie wrote:
starygrrl wrote:
You are also a bit off with regards to sex being the desert of the relationship. Actually for most relationships that are not asexual it is at the core of the healthy relationship and if there is incompatibility, it can make the entire relationship fall apart. In fact I would call it one of the essential parts of an adult relationship, NOT the desert of the relationship.


Thank you for being a woman and saying that. I don't think it was coming across well from the men.


Honestly it took me several years to understand this myself. Intimacy is a core aspect of a healthy relationship, and that means a healthy sexual-emotional connection.



Greatsharkbite
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02 Dec 2010, 4:53 pm

Kilroy wrote:
I can guess why you never made it to that point lol


Because she was 14?



LostAlien
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02 Dec 2010, 5:40 pm

ParadoxalParadigm wrote:
I think that most who object to my not wanting to have sex has overlooked what I said in that statement. I do not appreciate it when people read things and overlook other things as if they are looking for something to gratify their reason to start an argument. At first, I was trying to take these comments in stride and be objective, however, seeing some of these comments have, at this point, shown me a lack of respect.

I certainly did say that I do not want to have sex. However, I also said, "but I know that this would be selfish in a marriage." Obviously, then, I know what give and take is. Obviously, then, I know what doing something when I don't want to do it means. It means acknowledging that there is someone other than myself that has needs. It means meeting those needs despite what yours are, and that's being bigger than yourself.

What I most certainly do mean by my statement, though, is that I do not want someone who is in a relationship for sex sex sex all the time. Hearing how other guys and girls base their relationship on how good or bad the sex is, or how often it takes place, is an affront to what I think relationships should be. Relationships are not about sex. There are more components to that. Sex seems, to me, the dessert in a relationship [if indeed it ever comes to that]. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner are most important, but dessert is the treat. If a man only wants to eat the dessert that someone presents to him, not only is he showing that he does not care for other nutrients and meal provided to him, but he is showing the other person that he cannot control his desires.


Sex is important in a sexual romantic relationship but it's not important in a non-sexual relationship.

About give and take, I said nothing about you requiring to have sex. You should seek a partner who feels the same about sex as you. As the idea of sex disgusts you, you should seek out a partner who feels the same about sex. About sex, from my understanding of what my bf has told me, many men who have a sex drive feel that sex is the measure of their partners caring for them, thus you need to take care in this regard about the partner you choose.

I said about the piano because it is a thing to consider. A true give and take issue.

About what starygrrl said about conseling, I agree totally, before you try to get into a relationship there is a need to dump some of this baggage. If you try now you'll most lightly get a broken heart at best.

I was almost shocked by your thought that sex is a treat. Part of truly enjoyable sex is the feeling of being wanted by the other person both sexually and for their personhood. If it disgusts you and you think this will never change (you haven't said either way), you shouldn't even look at guys who want sex even vaguely. I say this because it is both an emotional issue and a fidelity issue.

Sexual compatibility is an issue. Regardless of if it's no desire for it or a high desire for it.



MidlifeAspie
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02 Dec 2010, 5:46 pm

Well said. There is also something to be said that in an NT-AS relationship, sex is a form of non-verbal communication that is generally lacking in other areas of the relationship. The NT partner will probably find this portion of the relationship even more important than they might in an NT-NT partnership.



ParadoxalParadigm
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02 Dec 2010, 10:57 pm

I would appreciate it if you guys would please read my initial post, as I have put in a massive, crucial edit in it. After reading your comments, I've become very concerned for myself as one particular issue keeps coming up, and would appreciate your responses and suggestions.



LostAlien
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03 Dec 2010, 5:41 am

ParadoxalParadigm wrote:

UBER EDIT!! Please READ!
Hm, after reading all of these comments, it seems that my view of sex is very, very different than most people. I never realized that my views were so skewed. I never even thought that they were so off that I would, as starygrrl suggests, need therapy to correct/help/change my views. As opposed to many of the other issues I stated, this one seems to be the one that most people are more fixated on.

What, do you think, this means for me? I was never sexually abused. Why, then, is this such an issue for me? When I talked to my sisters about this [at two separate times, years apart], it baffled them and they told me that my views were completely unnatural. Nonetheless, I've gone for years thinking that my views were normal, so I remained very firm in them.

Help me, then.

Just letting you know, it's not that your view on sex is wrong for you. It's that you need to understand that you need someone who is matched to you in that regard.

Saying that, if you feel that your view on sex will change even a little, you'll need to know before involving yourself in a romantic relationship, thus therapy to understand yourself better. This is to prevent unneccessary pain to you and them.

If you're with a person that is sure they never want sex and you suddenly do, it may cause a lot of negitive emotions. If you get involved with someone who likes sex and you realise you never will like it, same result.

Also, as you haven't even casually dated yet, there are things that people will have learned by this time about this kind of relationship that you will not know. A counsilor can sometimes help you understand some of what you need to know.



Zur-Darkstar
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03 Dec 2010, 9:46 pm

I had been debating posting in this thread for a couple days because it reminds me a little of myself when I was younger. When I was a kid, I always believed in the idealized Disney version of love. Love was this wonderful, magical, cosmic force that brought two people together. When I got older and learned what sex was, needless to say, it shattered my illusion. Like the OP, I found the mechanics, well, rather disgusting (to a certain extent, I still do). What I'd believed in was reduced to animal instinct and for a long time I hated the very idea of sex. I never could shake the desire for companionship and intimacy, so for a while I wanted what the OP wanted, a sexless relationship. I watched TV shows of people that had this type of relationship and was intrigued. That was the only way my "ideal" could be preserved. As I've gotten older, I've come to understand how the things we observe as children skew our beliefs, and how corporations, religious leaders, and governments manipulate our beliefs to serve their ends. The way sex is portrayed in America, even when it's portrayed as desirable, is portrayed as something dirty and sordid, the opposite of the beautiful love ideal. However, this view is a product of America's puritan roots. I've come to a different idea of love and sex. Love is a feeling of total intimacy and absolute vulnerability with another person, and sex is an expression of that. It's not cosmic or magical to me anymore, and I'm OK with that.

I can't tell you, of course, what to do. There's room for all kinds of people in this world. Therapy is good if it allows you to know and understand yourself better. The better you know yourself, the better decisions you will be able to make. Only you can decide what's right for you, and once you do, don't apologize for it.

DISCLAIMER: I'm speaking totally on my theoretical understanding and thought on the subject, not experience. I've never had a partner either.



BrandonSP
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03 Dec 2010, 10:05 pm

ParadoxalParadigm wrote:
I'm a black female who's highly attracted to Caucasian and Asian features...it's a preference based on aesthetics, not on race


I'm a white male who's especially attracted to black women, but I'm worried that there might not be many black women who are interested in dating a nerdy aspie like me. The only thing I have going for me that a black woman might appreciate is an interest in African history and anthropology, but even then, I suspect that blacks who are interested in those subjects tend to be Afrocentric types who won't date outside their race.


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ParadoxalParadigm
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03 Dec 2010, 11:10 pm

Zur-Darkstar wrote:
I had been debating posting in this thread for a couple days because it reminds me a little of myself when I was younger. When I was a kid, I always believed in the idealized Disney version of love. Love was this wonderful, magical, cosmic force that brought two people together. When I got older and learned what sex was, needless to say, it shattered my illusion. Like the OP, I found the mechanics, well, rather disgusting (to a certain extent, I still do). What I'd believed in was reduced to animal instinct and for a long time I hated the very idea of sex. I never could shake the desire for companionship and intimacy, so for a while I wanted what the OP wanted, a sexless relationship. I watched TV shows of people that had this type of relationship and was intrigued. That was the only way my "ideal" could be preserved. As I've gotten older, I've come to understand how the things we observe as children skew our beliefs, and how corporations, religious leaders, and governments manipulate our beliefs to serve their ends. The way sex is portrayed in America, even when it's portrayed as desirable, is portrayed as something dirty and sordid, the opposite of the beautiful love ideal. However, this view is a product of America's puritan roots. I've come to a different idea of love and sex. Love is a feeling of total intimacy and absolute vulnerability with another person, and sex is an expression of that. It's not cosmic or magical to me anymore, and I'm OK with that.

I can't tell you, of course, what to do. There's room for all kinds of people in this world. Therapy is good if it allows you to know and understand yourself better. The better you know yourself, the better decisions you will be able to make. Only you can decide what's right for you, and once you do, don't apologize for it.

DISCLAIMER: I'm speaking totally on my theoretical understanding and thought on the subject, not experience. I've never had a partner either.


Hm, I appreciate this response a lot :]. [Oh my goodness, I don't know! Disney movies, while I loved some of them, often left me feeling so unsatisfied. I thought, "Well...what happens after that?!" Haha. But the sequels were often terrible!] Any whom, on to the serious aspect: I appreciate how you shared that you at once felt as I do as well. What I appreciate most is that you say that you have changed your ideas as well because of a realization. I realize that people change over time, and my understanding may change over time as well. Who knows? I have my views now, and for now they are unchanging, but just like you, I've never had a partner, and when I do, changes may take some time. Things might not happen over night. But that's what 'til death do us part' means I suppose, that things take time, imperfections and all :P. I think that relationships are also about potentiality, which is why they shouldn't be given up too quickly. What you say makes it seem that you have more hope for me rather than labeling me as a nut job D:.



Last edited by ParadoxalParadigm on 03 Dec 2010, 11:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ParadoxalParadigm
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03 Dec 2010, 11:24 pm

BrandonSP wrote:
ParadoxalParadigm wrote:
I'm a black female who's highly attracted to Caucasian and Asian features...it's a preference based on aesthetics, not on race


I'm a white male who's especially attracted to black women, but I'm worried that there might not be many black women who are interested in dating a nerdy aspie like me. The only thing I have going for me that a black woman might appreciate is an interest in African history and anthropology, but even then, I suspect that blacks who are interested in those subjects tend to be Afrocentric types who won't date outside their race.


Never give up, never surrender, as quoted from Galaxy Quest! I noticed that attraction, by the way, in some of your other posts when looking at your art! I'm not one to give suggestions as I've never dated, but go for it -- being nerdy is endearing! I'm nerdy too, so it's okay! Today in my art class I started spouting off things about phylums and species and medusae and polyps when we were observing a Rorschach test! And I felt like an ultra loser! But I hope that someone found it endearing!



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04 Dec 2010, 7:06 am

ParadoxalParadigm,

Here's the bottom line. A "good" man does not care if you are quirky or can tap-dance or play the trombone.

If you want a good man to be your your boyfriend or husband then you must convince him that you love him.
You must convince him that you will love him and bear his children and be a a loyal partner.

There are men who just want sex and who will despise you for being "easy"
And there are men who are looking for a partner. These men will judge you on your long term prospects of being a good loyal wife, mother and partner.