Never Had a Boyfriend

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01 Dec 2010, 5:05 pm

Nobody is offended, and nobody is trying to offend you.

I understand that this topic is very personal and sensitive, and I am saying to you with all respect and courtesy - you seem to be jumping on everything you disagree with as though it is a personal attack. I am sure that nobody intends their statements to be such. I know I certainly did not.

lostD
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01 Dec 2010, 5:13 pm

emlion wrote:

Quote:

The thought of having sex disgusts me. I find male genitalia functions disgusting [as well as female genitalia]. The idea that it's anywhere near me would make me seize and vomit. I would take it being IN me as an act of violence on my person. I want companionship, not a sex partner, but this is very selfish in a marriage. If I could marry someone who has no genitalia at all, I think everything would be perfect...

This is what seperates a boyfriend from just a friend.
You might as well just have a friend if you're not having sex with them.
Or at least, that's my divide between a boyfriend and a friend.

I do not agree but I do not know what asexual people feel when they are in a platonical relationship. I just think that sexual attraction makes the difference (at least in the way you perceive someone), not sexual activity, plus, the way the relationship is built seems to be completely different (from what I've seen, lovers ask a lot of attention to each other and plan their future together, friends rarely do that, and the feelings seem to be different too).

I do not really know about "love" but I think it would be great to know how asexual people experience both love and friendship (close friendship) to know whether sex makes the difference or not.

I would not feel in love or in a relationship with my two friends if we were to have sex.

Greatsharkbite
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01 Dec 2010, 5:18 pm

Quote:

What I mean about dating recreationally is "I have one boyfriend this week, another next week, and two months later, I've moved on to someone else." I don't like that, and I know people who are like that, moving on from one interesting thing to another. What I mean is: I want to obsess over one person for a length in time. I want a year or two to understand them. I can't move on because I find one thing imperfect. It's actually because I want to look beyond personality imperfections that I would have a more stable relationship with someone. It's because of that that I can allow his eyes to wander.

I feel like my statements have been taken out of context...

I'll admit your statements were taken out of context.. almost entirely by me. But I guess thats the result in trying to fit something so significant into a couple of posts.

What I gather is that you'd choose long term relationships to get to a more intimate mental and emotional connection with a partner than just know them on a shallow level and dump them.

Also, i'm glad to hear your expanded idea of what being adventurous is to you, even if you weren't in a "sexual relationship" there are certain things that are generally expected. I think anyone worth staying with wouldn't care if you were shy or acted weirdly after a kiss as long as you explained yourself. But nowadays kissing and cuddling are fundamentally linked with the basics of being in a relationship.

Also most people would rather be with someone awkward in a relationship than someone cruel and insensitive.

Also wouldnt' be so hard on midlifeaspie, I think both him and carole were trying to help in different ways. Actually reading your first post i agreed with him as I don't think everyone is cut out for relationships, but after hearing you expand a little, i've changed my mind.

ParadoxalParadigm
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01 Dec 2010, 5:20 pm

MidlifeAspie wrote:

Hm, yes, I am dialoguing. What I like is clarity, not ambiguity. However, because I don't tend to explain myself fully on certain things surrounding 'personal issues' [unless asked], as a result, I'll come off as slightly cold or unreasonable. Since you are touching on one certain thing or another, I am 'pulling it out from the shadows' so to speak and clarifying it for you

. I just didn't want you to feel that I was offending you.

ParadoxalParadigm
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01 Dec 2010, 5:30 pm

Greatsharkbite wrote:

Quote:

Haha, well thank you. I'm a very complicated and deep person, but yes! I do prefer long term relationships as opposed to short-lived ones! And yes, adventurous, but not in the negative why it seemed, adventurous more in the 'spontaneous' way. Those aesthetics I like are 'weird' aesthetics. I apologize, I tend to state things as succinctly as possible until I'm asked to elucidate. Like I said to Midlife, as a result, a lot of things I say tend to be 'shadowed' until there is more clarity

. I'll try to be less 'hard' :]. Also, please don't take the formal way that I speak to mean anger. I have a 'writing' voice, and the thing that I want least is to be offensive.

SuperApsie
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01 Dec 2010, 5:50 pm

ParadoxalParadigm wrote:

Hm, yes, I realize that I'm unbelievably selfish, but I think it's because I've always shared so much and have never gotten anything in return. To answer your question, I would accept my spouse for having wandering eyes because that's merely what it is. I'm not going to stop them from finding someone else attractive. I'm not the most 'beautiful' person around and therefore I do not expect him to think that I am. If they find someone attractive, my main question is, "What, to you, makes that person attractive?" because I want to see that perspective as well. It goes on the same line of me wanting to know what they found in ME to be attractive. I think that's more selfLESS than selfish.

While I do not like being held back, I also said that I love an adventure. That means that I'm open to new things. If they want to go to a museum that I'm not particularly fond of, in my mind, it's a compromise and I say, "Well, it's a museum nonetheless. I'm going to find SOMETHING there that I find interesting." In that way, I will want to see what his interests are. It goes hand in hand with someone who has intelligence -- They'll share theirs with mine and I will expand my own. I want someone who's just as adventurous to try new things as I am. Not someone who's transfixed on boringness. It's sort of a paradox, but I'm full of them.

What I mean about dating recreationally is "I have one boyfriend this week, another next week, and two months later, I've moved on to someone else." I don't like that, and I know people who are like that, moving on from one interesting thing to another. What I mean is: I want to obsess over one person for a length in time. I want a year or two to understand them. I can't move on because I find one thing imperfect. It's actually because I want to look beyond personality imperfections that I would have a more stable relationship with someone. It's because of that that I can allow his eyes to wander.

I feel like my statements have been taken out of context...

Well once the context is here, I understand better. In fact I can understand completely now. I recognize myself in what you just said, but there is a little difference: my reasons find their origin in the mechanics of the mind and evolve to the study of aesthetics. You just go in the other direction. But we see the exact same pattern, the one that exists in every single special interest.

It's not selfishness, it's not being picky, it's just about what we see. It's not a paradox, it is a paradigm switch. Like seeing the perfect efficiency (or beauty in your case) by looking into society with a mirror. Our logic is perfectly consistent but totally alien to the world.

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Hector
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01 Dec 2010, 8:02 pm

ParadoxalParadigm wrote:

The thought of having sex disgusts me. I find male genitalia functions disgusting [as well as female genitalia]. The idea that it's anywhere near me would make me seize and vomit. I would take it being IN me as an act of violence on my person. I want companionship, not a sex partner, but this is very selfish in a marriage. If I could marry someone who has no genitalia at all, I think everything would be perfect...

There are a few male asexuals here, but you will find a much greater concentration of asexual men in asexual communities such as that of asexuality.org. Generally men who are not asexual, including myself, would struggle to even comprehend the notion of a sexless relationship; they would typically reason much like emlion.

You may find that your demands and restrictions also place obstacles on forming a relationship, but this asexual thing is really the most immediate challenge.

LostAlien
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01 Dec 2010, 8:41 pm

ParadoxalParadigm, what is it that will be the difference for you between a close friend who lives with you and a partner? I'm not asexual and so I need clarification.

About the other aspects that you mention, in my experience there is give and take in relationships. Using your example about the piano at two am, if your partner had to get up for work that morning in a small house (with little sound proofing), it could disturb their sleep, but if in a house with good sound proofing, it would cause no problem. It depends on the context of the situation.

About what you said about men being controlling, not all of them are, some are but some aren't and controlling women do exist.

menintights
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01 Dec 2010, 8:52 pm

There's this kid I know who would probably fit into all of your expectations, but he's already married. The marriage is not consummated, and as far as I know that's what the two of them want. I don't think he's asexual, he just got sick of everyone around him having sex and telling him it's their biological prerogative and that's that.

So yeah, there are people like that out there.

Wombat
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02 Dec 2010, 3:14 am

ParadoxalParadigm,

You say that the thought of having sex with your boyfriend/husband makes you sick but you are still attracted to other men. What do you want?

When you are willing to love a man with your whole heart. When you are willing to raise his children and clean his house, cook his dinner and nurse him when he is sick. When you are willing to put your husband and children before your own desires.

THEN you might be worthy to marry a good man.

SuperApsie
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02 Dec 2010, 4:51 am

Wombat wrote:

THEN you might be worthy to marry a good man.

There is no such worth to marry someone, it's a construction of your mind

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LostAlien
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02 Dec 2010, 9:14 am

Wombat wrote:

WTF?

She has every right to want what she wants. It doesn't make her in any way less to be repulsed by sex. She doesn't have to have children and even if she wants children, there are other methods that exist.

As SuperApsie said worthiness has nothing to do with commitment. Love has a massive something to do with commitment though.

Jono
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02 Dec 2010, 11:41 am

Hector wrote:

Generally men who are not asexual, including myself, would struggle to even comprehend the notion of a sexless relationship; they would typically reason much like emlion.

That not only applies to men. Even most women who aren't asexual would find it difficult to have a relationship without sex, with the exception of the religious ones who rather choose to abstain from sex until marriage. ParadoxalParadigm, I would advise you to look for an asexual man if that's the kind of relationship you want.

ParadoxalParadigm
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02 Dec 2010, 1:00 pm

I think that most who object to my not wanting to have sex has overlooked what I said in that statement. I do not appreciate it when people read things and overlook other things as if they are looking for something to gratify their reason to start an argument. At first, I was trying to take these comments in stride and be objective, however, seeing some of these comments have, at this point, shown me a lack of respect.

I certainly did say that I do not want to have sex. However, I also said, "but I know that this would be selfish in a marriage." Obviously, then, I know what give and take is. Obviously, then, I know what doing something when I don't want to do it means. It means acknowledging that there is someone other than myself that has needs. It means meeting those needs despite what yours are, and that's being bigger than yourself.

What I most certainly do mean by my statement, though, is that I do not want someone who is in a relationship for sex sex sex all the time. Hearing how other guys and girls base their relationship on how good or bad the sex is, or how often it takes place, is an affront to what I think relationships should be. Relationships are not about sex. There are more components to that. Sex seems, to me, the dessert in a relationship [if indeed it ever comes to that]. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner are most important, but dessert is the treat. If a man only wants to eat the dessert that someone presents to him, not only is he showing that he does not care for other nutrients and meal provided to him, but he is showing the other person that he cannot control his desires.

Last edited by ParadoxalParadigm on 02 Dec 2010, 2:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Hector
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02 Dec 2010, 1:59 pm

Well, then I'm confused. You describe sex as an optional "treat", which I can understand somewhat, but in your own words "the thought of having sex disgusts me", and "I would take [male genitalia] being IN me as an act of violence on my person". I doubt whether just about any heterosexual man would want to be in a relationship with a woman who really didn't want to have sex with him, even if she was willing to consent as a matter of compromise, or as a chore.

ParadoxalParadigm
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02 Dec 2010, 2:21 pm

Hector wrote:

From my understanding of what sex is between two people, and from how I've heard it described, it seems to me that it is a treat [unless, of course, it is rape]. However, I do see a certain amount of violence. I obviously am not speaking from personal experience, as you can tell. Also, I think that compromise is a great act, in my opinion. Like I said, it's showing that you are realizing that there is someone else that has needs other than your own. It's showing that you are willing to give someone something despite what your personal feelings towards it may be. It shows that you really love that person. If a relationship is really about giving and taking, then they appreciate that you are giving them something that they need or want. If I cook and think, "Sweets are very unhealthy" but decide to make my spouse dessert because I know he likes it, is that wrong? I know that people like sweets, and so, I view them as treats for people, but as treats that shouldn't be taken advantage of. I personally hate chocolate, but I am willing to buy it for people in forms of cakes and bars or things, and give it to people because I know that they like it.

And I'm going to fix my statement so it reflects this.

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