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ParadoxalParadigm
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01 Dec 2010, 3:11 pm

I'm 23 years old. I don't consider myself attractive, but a lot of women have told me that guys will find me attractive because of my quirky, geeky personality. I'm a bit on the chubby side [I wear size 12/14 dresses and I'm only 5' 2].

However, I've never dated because:
I would only date for the prospect of getting married. I'm not into the whole 'date' for recreation fad. I want a partner.

Who would I invite to my wedding...? Who would I invite?? I know such a large network of people, but knowing that I have at times unintentionally hurt someone, I would feel strange knowing whom to and whom not to invite. And what would I do at my wedding? Everyone would be staring at me, thus making me entirely uncomfortable. I would make everyone blindfold themselves and enjoy the wedding that way. I would just sit in a corner and brood and brood and brood. However...I also love to dance...So, what a paradox I present myself with.

I don't like being held back. I thrive on adventure. I want to travel whenever I want. I want to design my house however I want. I dislike someone telling me to do one thing or another. I don't want someone who expects me to conform to gender 'norms'. I want to play the piano spontaneously at 2 or 3 in the morning. Men are possessive and I am the last person to want to be possessed.

I enjoy my moments of solitude. I don't want someone who's going to want to cling to me. Please, respect the space that I want. If I don't talk to someone for two weeks, it's not because I don't like them [unless I really DO dislike them...], it's because I've become disinterested with them for the moment, but that disinterest WILL pass, and I will need him to be there for me when it does. My closest friends are people that I talk to maybe two or three times a month, if even that. However, I do not like isolation. I want to be in the corner by myself, but know that seven feet away, someone is in the kitchen, bathroom, or wherever. It allows me space, but I want that presence.

I am a person who appreciates aesthetics.
I don't judge people based on how beautiful or 'ugly' they are, but I have certain requirements for myself when it comes to eyebrows, hair texture, ears, hands, lips, and even skin tone [I'm a black female who's highly attracted to Caucasian and Asian features...it's a preference based on aesthetics, not on race]. I am more drawn towards peoples personality, but certain self-proclaimed defects will turn me off. As a result, androgyny is quite preferred--someone who has both female and male aspects. This tends to limit me.

I would fear offending my spouse because I have wandering eyes. I am, once again, an aesthetically inclined person. If I find someone who is beautiful, I WILL stare shamelessly, or conversely act like a shy school girl, or I will blush from excitement, or I will cry from the beauty-overload, and there's no stopping it. What's 'worse' [to people, but not to me]: I find these aesthetics in both men and in women, will stare at either gender, and for this reason, I've been called a lesbian. And besides men get jealous, which is childish...

The thought of having sex disgusts me. I find male genitalia functions disgusting [as well as female genitalia]. The idea that it's anywhere near me would make me seize and vomit. I would take it being IN me as an act of violence on my person. I want companionship, not a sex partner, but this is very selfish in a marriage. If I could marry someone who has no genitalia at all, I think everything would be perfect...

I am incredibly shy. So even after 10 years of being married to someone, the thought of him kissing me would probably send me to the hospital because it would give me literal palpitations.

I enjoy having highly intelligent conversations/debates with people. I don't want someone who has no interest in anything. I need a debate. I need to argue, and I love it. I need someone who can divorce their emotions from their pragmatism so that all we are having is an intelligent conversation, and he won't be angry with me the day after because of the points I've brought out. As a result, I find the 'idea' of people attractive, not their physicality. I fall in 'love' with their being and existence, not with them. It's why I can honestly say that I am in love with Michelangelo, Sol Lewitt, Ralph Vaughan Williams, and many other intelligent people even though they are dead, because my interest is not in them, but in their minds.

I am very religious, of a very certain and unique religion, so this one is strange and personal: They must love God more than they love me. Then I know that when they are met with certain challenges dealing with [for example] my health when I am incapacitated, they'll make their decisions based on their trained conscience and not based on their emotions. In fact, all of their decisions towards me will be based on a trained conscience rather than an emotional whim, if at all possible.

I desperately want companion...but I would be so awkward in a relationship. I would hope that a guy finds me endearing and unique as opposed to annoying...

UBER EDIT!! Please READ!
Hm, after reading all of these comments, it seems that my view of sex is very, very different than most people. I never realized that my views were so skewed. I never even thought that they were so off that I would, as starygrrl suggests, need therapy to correct/help/change my views. As opposed to many of the other issues I stated, this one seems to be the one that most people are more fixated on.

What, do you think, this means for me? I was never sexually abused. Why, then, is this such an issue for me? When I talked to my sisters about this [at two separate times, years apart], it baffled them and they told me that my views were completely unnatural. Nonetheless, I've gone for years thinking that my views were normal, so I remained very firm in them.

Help me, then.



Last edited by ParadoxalParadigm on 02 Dec 2010, 11:00 pm, edited 3 times in total.

emlion
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01 Dec 2010, 3:14 pm

Quote:
The thought of having sex disgusts me. I find male genitalia functions disgusting [as well as female genitalia]. The idea that it's anywhere near me would make me seize and vomit. I would take it being IN me as an act of violence on my person. I want companionship, not a sex partner, but this is very selfish in a marriage. If I could marry someone who has no genitalia at all, I think everything would be perfect...


This is what seperates a boyfriend from just a friend.
You might as well just have a friend if you're not having sex with them.
Or at least, that's my divide between a boyfriend and a friend.



ParadoxalParadigm
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01 Dec 2010, 3:40 pm

Well I don't hold hands with my friends, but I want to hold someone's hand. I don't cuddle with my friends, but I want to cuddle with someone. I don't pet my friend's hair, but I want someone's hair to pet. I don't pinch people's elbow fat, but I want to pinch someone's elbow [incidentally called a wenis...the irony of it all!]. I don't rub my arms against my friend's hair arms, but I want to do just that. I want physical contact, but I don't want sex. Perhaps to most people there's no difference, but to me, there is.



emlion
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01 Dec 2010, 3:44 pm

ParadoxalParadigm wrote:
Well I don't hold hands with my friends, but I want to hold someone's hand. I don't cuddle with my friends, but I want to cuddle with someone. I don't pet my friend's hair, but I want someone's hair to pet. I don't pinch people's elbow fat, but I want to pinch someone's elbow [incidentally called a wenis...the irony of it all!]. I don't rub my arms against my friend's hair arms, but I want to do just that. I want physical contact, but I don't want sex. Perhaps to most people there's no difference, but to me, there is.


I don't know what to suggest - i'm not sure there are guys out there who will be satisfied with just that. And, of course, you shouldn't compromise yourself for them.



MidlifeAspie
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01 Dec 2010, 3:50 pm

Given your requirements and unique personality traits, I think your time and energy would be better spent working on overcoming your desire to be with someone, rather then trying to find someone who would be acceptable. I don't think this person exists.



emlion
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01 Dec 2010, 3:52 pm

aww that child is adorable!



MidlifeAspie
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01 Dec 2010, 3:56 pm

Thank you. He is my life's greatest treasure :P



CaroleTucson
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01 Dec 2010, 4:03 pm

MidlifeAspie wrote:
Given your requirements and unique personality traits, I think your time and energy would be better spent working on overcoming your desire to be with someone, rather then trying to find someone who would be acceptable. I don't think this person exists.


First of all, pay no attention to idiotic "advice" like this. This guy has no clue.

Second, it is true that your desires are somewhat out of the mainstream, and therefore you are going to have to find your mate out of the mainstream. What are your interests? Are there web forums for them? The advantage of the internet is that it expands your reach. If there are in-person groups for your interest in your area, that would be better. But failing that, the internet is your best bet.

Your search will have to be very specific, so it make take longer than normal to find someone. Then again, you may find someone from this very forum. But whatever you do, don't give up. You deserve a chance to be happy with a special someone, just like anyone else.

The best of luck to you :)



ParadoxalParadigm
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01 Dec 2010, 4:08 pm

CaroleTucson wrote:
MidlifeAspie wrote:
Given your requirements and unique personality traits, I think your time and energy would be better spent working on overcoming your desire to be with someone, rather then trying to find someone who would be acceptable. I don't think this person exists.


First of all, pay no attention to idiotic "advice" like this. This guy has no clue.

Second, it is true that your desires are somewhat out of the mainstream, and therefore you are going to have to find your mate out of the mainstream. What are your interests? Are there web forums for them? The advantage of the internet is that it expands your reach. If there are in-person groups for your interest in your area, that would be better. But failing that, the internet is your best bet.

Your search will have to be very specific, so it make take longer than normal to find someone. Then again, you may find someone from this very forum. But whatever you do, don't give up. You deserve a chance to be happy with a special someone, just like anyone else.

The best of luck to you :)


Thank you. I think your answer was the most fitting for me. This post was mainly to state why I've never had a boyfriend. Unfortunately, the word 'settle' comes to mind when I think of marriage. It's the last thing I want to do, but as a human being, we all thrive on companionship, and I think I would be quicker to settle than to wait and wait and wait for that perfect person. But I'm a patient person when it comes to these things :P



MidlifeAspie
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01 Dec 2010, 4:21 pm

CaroleTucson wrote:
First of all, pay no attention to idiotic "advice" like this. This guy has no clue.


Right, because "love will conquer all". There is nothing wrong with adjusting your expectations in life in order to achieve them and be happy. What I am reading is that you are looking for an attractive man who will not want to spend time with you, will not try and kiss you and will not want to have sex with you. Rather he will appreciate you for these qualities and have great intelligent conversations with you.

What you are describing here is not a mate. It is the perfect definition of a great friend. Is there anything wrong with having a great friend? What exactly are you looking for beyond friendship that does not involve intimacy?

As far as having no clue, you are asking for advice from a male point of view. There is no point in getting angry when you receive it.



AntoniusBlock
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01 Dec 2010, 4:26 pm

Hi,

i am male with ASD, and also prefer cuddling, and sex seems a bit strange to me. So i think there are some more people out there who you are looking for....

byebye



ParadoxalParadigm
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01 Dec 2010, 4:39 pm

Oops, my response is below:



Last edited by ParadoxalParadigm on 01 Dec 2010, 4:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ParadoxalParadigm
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01 Dec 2010, 4:40 pm

MidlifeAspie wrote:
CaroleTucson wrote:
First of all, pay no attention to idiotic "advice" like this. This guy has no clue.


What I am reading is that you are looking for an attractive man who will not want to spend time with you, will not try and kiss you and will not want to have sex with you. Rather he will appreciate you for these qualities and have great intelligent conversations with you.


No, actually, you've assumed that what I'm looking for is an attractive man. People don't find androgyny attractive. They don't consider bushy eyebrows attractive. They don't consider big ears attractive. They don't consider boney hands attractive. I actually find scars extremely attractive. Do you know who I find attractive? Compare Matthew Gray Gubler to Shemar Moore. I find them both attractive -- Shemar Moore is actually the epitome of mathematical aesthetic attraction to me. But who would I CHOOSE over the other? Matthew Gray Gubler because as a real human being, he's intelligent in certain areas, he's quirky, his interests fall under mine, he's artistic, etc. [and yes, I've divorced their roles on the show that they are from from their actual person]. My attraction to aesthetics does NOT fall under normal social norms. As an artists, I love perfection. But there is a difference in the mathematical perfection that I love, and the aesthetic perfections I love.

And yes, I do want to spend time with him. It's why I want to have an intelligent conversation with him. There's a difference between being clingy and being present. I like presence. I don't like clingyness. I want to be kissed, but I'm so unbelievably shy that it would be awkward, and I would react in a way contrary to the norm. Maybe you didn't read my response about two responses above, but I'm very stimulated by physical contact. What I don't want is someone who's like, "Whatcha doin? Whatcha doin now? Whatcha doin NOW????" over and over.

What I dislike is that I'm allowed to have my free expression here and yet you seem to have taken it as a personal offense to you. If I offended you, I apologize. But understand that people have views, likes, and dislikes.



SuperApsie
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01 Dec 2010, 4:44 pm

Quote:
However, I've never dated because:
I would only date for the prospect of getting married. I'm not into the whole 'date' for recreation fad. I want a partner.

There is an inner imperfection in the world. Dating, if it is for marriage or not allows to discover these sides of the imperfection in the other people, and more importantly: in you.
It is really hard to know yourself, because there is a blur between the image you draw of yourself and how you really are. The more you date, the more you can test your concept on people and find the significant details you are looking for.

Quote:
I don't like being held back. I thrive on adventure. I want to travel whenever I want. I want to design my house however I want. I dislike someone telling me to do one thing or another. I don't want someone who expects me to conform to gender 'norms'. I want to play the piano spontaneously at 2 or 3 in the morning. Men are possessive and I am the last person to want to be possessed.

Love is a trade, you don't give up on things, you exchange them, and to make things more complex: not in a symmetrical way.

Quote:
I would fear offending my spouse because I have wandering eyes

The question is: would you accept your spouse to do the same?

That are the significant points I have seen. Aspies always need to expand their logic.


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ParadoxalParadigm
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01 Dec 2010, 4:58 pm

SuperApsie wrote:
Quote:
However, I've never dated because:
I would only date for the prospect of getting married. I'm not into the whole 'date' for recreation fad. I want a partner.

There is an inner imperfection in the world. Dating, if it is for marriage or not allows to discover these sides of the imperfection in the other people, and more importantly: in you.
It is really hard to know yourself, because there is a blur between the image you draw of yourself and how you really are. The more you date, the more you can test your concept on people and find the significant details you are looking for.

Quote:
I don't like being held back. I thrive on adventure. I want to travel whenever I want. I want to design my house however I want. I dislike someone telling me to do one thing or another. I don't want someone who expects me to conform to gender 'norms'. I want to play the piano spontaneously at 2 or 3 in the morning. Men are possessive and I am the last person to want to be possessed.

Love is a trade, you don't give up on things, you exchange them, and to make things more complex: not in a symmetrical way.

Quote:
I would fear offending my spouse because I have wandering eyes

The question is: would you accept your spouse to do the same?

That are the significant points I have seen. Aspies always need to expand their logic.


Hm, yes, I realize that I'm unbelievably selfish, but I think it's because I've always shared so much and have never gotten anything in return. To answer your question, I would accept my spouse for having wandering eyes because that's merely what it is. I'm not going to stop them from finding someone else attractive. I'm not the most 'beautiful' person around and therefore I do not expect him to think that I am. If they find someone attractive, my main question is, "What, to you, makes that person attractive?" because I want to see that perspective as well. It goes on the same line of me wanting to know what they found in ME to be attractive. I think that's more selfLESS than selfish.

While I do not like being held back, I also said that I love an adventure. That means that I'm open to new things. If they want to go to a museum that I'm not particularly fond of, in my mind, it's a compromise and I say, "Well, it's a museum nonetheless. I'm going to find SOMETHING there that I find interesting." In that way, I will want to see what his interests are. It goes hand in hand with someone who has intelligence -- They'll share theirs with mine and I will expand my own. I want someone who's just as adventurous to try new things as I am. Not someone who's transfixed on boringness. It's sort of a paradox, but I'm full of them.

What I mean about dating recreationally is "I have one boyfriend this week, another next week, and two months later, I've moved on to someone else." I don't like that, and I know people who are like that, moving on from one interesting thing to another. What I mean is: I want to obsess over one person for a length in time. I want a year or two to understand them. I can't move on because I find one thing imperfect. It's actually because I want to look beyond personality imperfections that I would have a more stable relationship with someone. It's because of that that I can allow his eyes to wander.

I feel like my statements have been taken out of context...



MidlifeAspie
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01 Dec 2010, 5:05 pm

Nobody is offended, and nobody is trying to offend you.

I understand that this topic is very personal and sensitive, and I am saying to you with all respect and courtesy - you seem to be jumping on everything you disagree with as though it is a personal attack. I am sure that nobody intends their statements to be such. I know I certainly did not.