Girls actually find me attractive! And that is a problem?!

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The_waiting_room
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19 Dec 2010, 4:12 pm

Hi all. :)

I find myself in a somewhat odd situation, that's really hard to complain about:
The "problem" is that girls find me attractive. Now, of course that's not the real problem - the real problem is that I have absolutely no idea what to do when an attractive girl signals (I'm pretty sure) that she's interested. On a dance floor, that is.

I sometimes go to a certain nightclub with my friends, to get drunk and have fun. And even though I f*****g hate to dance, sometimes it cannot be avoided (and sometimes I'm so drunk that I just start dancing randomly anyway, :P). But, there have been several occasions where girls have come over and tried to "dance with me". At other times I've actually had girls try to pull me out on the dance floor. It always ends the same way, however: I mumble some kind of lame excuse and run for cover. And then I spend the rest of the evening wallowing in self-loathing because of what I've done.

It's kind of self-contradictory: I go to town (partly) in hopes of finding a girl, but yet I turn down every single girl who is interested in getting to know me. And it's not even because I'm not interested in them - it's because I have absolutely no f*****g idea what I'm "supposed to do" in the situations. My friends tell me to just "roll with it" like it comes naturally or something, but it doesn't, and I'm not a gambler, I don't take chances: if I don't feel at least a bit certain of what I'm supposed to do in a situation, I'll immediately seek to exit the situation as soon as possible.

So to me, these trips to the city simply showcase my social ineptitude (and, apparently, my good looks?). It's starting to feel like self-torture.

Have any of you experienced something similar? How do you deal with it?

Should I just quit nightclubs altogether, and find activities that are more based on talking (which I'm much better at than dancing)? What could that be?
Despite my diagnosis, I really want to meet new people (girls included), but I'm unemployed so if I don't go to town with my friends, I never meet any people at all. :(



ApsieGuy
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19 Dec 2010, 4:14 pm

You need to do the African mating dance. I hear this works quite well..........






Nah, I don't know. Does anyone have any better ideas?



Grisha
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19 Dec 2010, 4:19 pm

I can certainly relate to your feelings, I would be mortified, completely baffled, and headed for the next state in that situation. (and hating myself for it)

I've never been to a nightclub, so I can't give you any advice there, but it seems to me that there is some potential for you there so I definitely wouldn't give up. I dunno: books, classes, even more alcohol? :wink:

Try to get good at it! Good luck.



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19 Dec 2010, 5:12 pm

The_waiting_room wrote:
Hi all. :)

I find myself in a somewhat odd situation, that's really hard to complain about:
The "problem" is that girls find me attractive. Now, of course that's not the real problem - the real problem is that I have absolutely no idea what to do when an attractive girl signals (I'm pretty sure) that she's interested. On a dance floor, that is.

I sometimes go to a certain nightclub with my friends, to get drunk and have fun. And even though I f***ing hate to dance, sometimes it cannot be avoided (and sometimes I'm so drunk that I just start dancing randomly anyway, :P). But, there have been several occasions where girls have come over and tried to "dance with me". At other times I've actually had girls try to pull me out on the dance floor. It always ends the same way, however: I mumble some kind of lame excuse and run for cover. And then I spend the rest of the evening wallowing in self-loathing because of what I've done.

It's kind of self-contradictory: I go to town (partly) in hopes of finding a girl, but yet I turn down every single girl who is interested in getting to know me. And it's not even because I'm not interested in them - it's because I have absolutely no f***ing idea what I'm "supposed to do" in the situations. My friends tell me to just "roll with it" like it comes naturally or something, but it doesn't, and I'm not a gambler, I don't take chances: if I don't feel at least a bit certain of what I'm supposed to do in a situation, I'll immediately seek to exit the situation as soon as possible.

So to me, these trips to the city simply showcase my social ineptitude (and, apparently, my good looks?). It's starting to feel like self-torture.

Have any of you experienced something similar? How do you deal with it?

Should I just quit nightclubs altogether, and find activities that are more based on talking (which I'm much better at than dancing)? What could that be?
Despite my diagnosis, I really want to meet new people (girls included), but I'm unemployed so if I don't go to town with my friends, I never meet any people at all. :(


I think you should say something like this "You know I really like you, and I don't want to scare you away so I have to be honest with you and tell you I'm kind of a social ret*d."

Girls are odd beings. They manage to be incredibly socially intuned and complex and very discriminatory in one sense, yet they still have no problem dating and marrying socially inept men, as long as those men can interact with them on the same page.

A lot of girls and women like when a hot guy acts kind of goofy because it reassures them he's not shallow and they think "Hey, he's good looking and he's kind of goofy so he's probably not very likely to cheat." In other words, they think they are getting a good deal.

So just be honest with them. The important thing is that you let them know that you don't mean to give the impression that you aren't interested in them.



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19 Dec 2010, 5:14 pm

The_waiting_room wrote:
It's kind of self-contradictory: I go to town (partly) in hopes of finding a girl, but yet I turn down every single girl who is interested in getting to know me. And it's not even because I'm not interested in them - it's because I have absolutely no f***ing idea what I'm "supposed to do" in the situations. My friends tell me to just "roll with it" like it comes naturally or something, but it doesn't, and I'm not a gambler, I don't take chances: if I don't feel at least a bit certain of what I'm supposed to do in a situation, I'll immediately seek to exit the situation as soon as possible.


You'll never work out what your supposed to do if you don't risk experimentation. Got no data? Make some!

If club style 'getting to know you' really doesn't work for you, then yeah, go somewhere else to meet women.


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19 Dec 2010, 6:01 pm

I've gone to dances that are held on campus with friends and found a good way to avoid these situations is to always dance w/ or near friends. Do you have any friends you'd feel comfortable with having dance near you while your with a girl? This might also make it more casual and can help prevent the girl from getting to "handsy" (touchy feely) if that triggers sensory issues for you. I figured this out b/c I know a girl who likes to dance right up against me/tries to hold onto my waist or do the same thing to one or more of my guy friends. I just like having someone near by to "pull me away" or to pull away if they have the same issue. Also, don't worry about how you look while dancing cause from what I've noticed nobody cares.


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19 Dec 2010, 6:19 pm

Just try dancing with her and see how close she gets to you, etc, and you might as well "be a gambler" because you have nothing to lose.

Do it right and you can be singing this song the next morning:
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQlIhraqL7o[/youtube]

:lol:



The_waiting_room
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19 Dec 2010, 7:11 pm

Chronos wrote:
I think you should say something like this "You know I really like you, and I don't want to scare you away so I have to be honest with you and tell you I'm kind of a social ret*d."

Yeah, if only I could that. Problem is, on a dancefloor there's not room for you to say anything. You're not supposed to talk, you're supposed to *puts on Lady Gaga wig* just dance.
Actually, I have panicked and started talking to the girls who were hitting on me on the dancefloor (while dancing) - which resulted in them moving on to dance another place :(

Moog wrote:
If club style 'getting to know you' really doesn't work for you, then yeah, go somewhere else to meet women.

Yeah, but where? My friends are party animals, so if I decide to go another route, I'll have to venture out there, into the unknown, by myself - without their backing *shudders*

Asp-Z wrote:
Just try dancing with her and see how close she gets to you, etc, and you might as well "be a gambler" because you have nothing to lose.

Do it right and you can be singing this song the next morning:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQlIhraqL7o
:lol:

Are you sure I have nothing to lose? Maybe I'm just a pessimist, but I have an annoying habit of dwelling on past mistakes, and over time I have amassed quite an amount of mistakes to be ashamed of, and to make me hate myself even more.
Also, I keep worrying that I may achieve a reputation around the city as a weirdo or simply "exhaust" the pool of possible suitors - but considering I live in the capital of my country, that one may perhaps be a bit exaggerated :)
But my appearance doesn't make me easy to forget - I'm 6.5 feet tall and have long (and thick) hair down to the middle of my back, meaning I guess I'm not easily gonna "blend back among the unknown" and get a second chance - and I fear that somehow every potentially interested girl will start to see me, and remember me, as "that weird dude" - and all others will be scared away by my appearance like they currently are... :?

Also, that video reminded me that next month it has been a year since I last had sex. Not that I'm desperate or anything, but still.. :P



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19 Dec 2010, 7:25 pm

That song is far too funny.

When those guys high fived each other in the park I nearly spat my drink out all over the screen :lol: :lol:



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19 Dec 2010, 8:42 pm

Asp-Z:

Ha! I liked the cake. And "So this is dedicated to them girls that let us flop around on top of them." :lol:


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19 Dec 2010, 8:54 pm

Chronos wrote:
I think you should say something like this "You know I really like you, and I don't want to scare you away so I have to be honest with you and tell you I'm kind of a social ret*d."

Girls are odd beings. They manage to be incredibly socially intuned and complex and very discriminatory in one sense, yet they still have no problem dating and marrying socially inept men, as long as those men can interact with them on the same page.

A lot of girls and women like when a hot guy acts kind of goofy because it reassures them he's not shallow and they think "Hey, he's good looking and he's kind of goofy so he's probably not very likely to cheat." In other words, they think they are getting a good deal.

So just be honest with them. The important thing is that you let them know that you don't mean to give the impression that you aren't interested in them.
I agree with a lot of what Chronos says, except I really wouldn't say "I'm kind of a social ret*d" because that does sound a bit weird, unless you know someone well enough. I've said I'm a social ret*d, to friends, but I probably wouldn't say it to a guy I'd just met in a nightclub.

If anything, I'd suggest saying something like "I'm actually quite shy" or "I can be quite shy, and I tend to get flustered and don't know what to say when I meet a pretty/beautiful girl, so forgive me if I seem a bit tongue-tied and make a bit of a fool of myself" - that latter one might sound a bit cheesy, but on the one hand it would acknowledge and explain any social awkwardness that the girl might otherwise find off-putting and at the same time, you're flattering her and paying her a compliment.



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19 Dec 2010, 11:53 pm

The_waiting_room wrote:
Hi all. :)

I find myself in a somewhat odd situation, that's really hard to complain about:
The "problem" is that girls find me attractive. Now, of course that's not the real problem - the real problem is that I have absolutely no idea what to do when an attractive girl signals (I'm pretty sure) that she's interested. On a dance floor, that is.(


It depends on what you want to do next.
You could learn "game" at these sites:

http://roissy.wordpress.com/
http://alphadominance.com/
http://no-maam.blogspot.com/



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20 Dec 2010, 4:56 am

The_waiting_room wrote:
Are you sure I have nothing to lose? Maybe I'm just a pessimist, but I have an annoying habit of dwelling on past mistakes, and over time I have amassed quite an amount of mistakes to be ashamed of, and to make me hate myself even more.
Also, I keep worrying that I may achieve a reputation around the city as a weirdo or simply "exhaust" the pool of possible suitors - but considering I live in the capital of my country, that one may perhaps be a bit exaggerated :)
But my appearance doesn't make me easy to forget - I'm 6.5 feet tall and have long (and thick) hair down to the middle of my back, meaning I guess I'm not easily gonna "blend back among the unknown" and get a second chance - and I fear that somehow every potentially interested girl will start to see me, and remember me, as "that weird dude" - and all others will be scared away by my appearance like they currently are... :?

Also, that video reminded me that next month it has been a year since I last had sex. Not that I'm desperate or anything, but still.. :P


You could feel a bit embarrassed at the time, but honestly, you have nothing to lose. If people call you a weirdo, explain it away with alcohol.

Kaybee wrote:
Asp-Z:

Ha! I liked the cake. And "So this is dedicated to them girls that let us flop around on top of them." :lol:

Laz wrote:
That song is far too funny.

When those guys high fived each other in the park I nearly spat my drink out all over the screen :lol: :lol:


Glad you liked it :P

The Sex Olympics is the funniest part IMO :lol:



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20 Dec 2010, 10:42 am

I have no advice, but my not so encouraging response is that, despite a number of women trying to make it clear to me that they were interested in dating me, I always became uncomfortable and quickly backed away from the situation. I've done this every time and I find it hard to behave otherwise. This has been happening from high school on through the present.

Looking at how I have responded to the threat of intimacy over the years, I can only say that if you want to pursue it, you need to take risks and do things that take you beyond your comfort zone. It's scary, but I don't see a viable alternative in order to develop some intimate relationships.

The other approach is to remain single. There are some pretty huge downsides to this, but might be the thing that works for you. I have been single all my life and while it has caused me a great deal of pain, it seems to be the way I have to be to feel comfortable with myself. It's only in the past few years that I have stopped worrying too much about relationships. I won't rule one out if things work that way, but for now, I expect to live the rest of my life alone. And right now, I'm pretty comfortable with that.


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20 Dec 2010, 11:19 am

I think you have to let the girls take the lead. Feel lucky that you're able to get attention easily enough that you don't have to approach.

What you're supposed to do?
Not resist. Be a "yes man"

This isn't a permanent solution to base your life around, but it will definately get you out there having some fun.



kruger4
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20 Dec 2010, 2:49 pm

Wombat wrote:
The_waiting_room wrote:
Hi all. :)

I find myself in a somewhat odd situation, that's really hard to complain about:
The "problem" is that girls find me attractive. Now, of course that's not the real problem - the real problem is that I have absolutely no idea what to do when an attractive girl signals (I'm pretty sure) that she's interested. On a dance floor, that is.(


It depends on what you want to do next.
You could learn "game" at these sites:

http://roissy.wordpress.com/
http://alphadominance.com/
http://no-maam.blogspot.com/


Those sites are pretty awesome and addictive, I feel like I'm much wiser already.