Constantly being discouraged/talked out of things

Page 1 of 2 [ 24 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

thechadmaster
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Feb 2005
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,126
Location: On The Road...Somewhere

23 Dec 2010, 4:18 pm

Ok, for Christmas, i know im getting cash, and my paid vacation from work starts sunday. I had been planning on going to Boston on the Greyhound bus. I used to live near boston, so i know my way around. Today, i mentioned the idea to my mother who instantly started in trying to talk me out of it. Her argument is "well what if something happens, its a five hour drive there..." and so on. I told her i would be buying a round trip ticket up front, so getting back wont be an issue.

She always does this... whenever i try to get away for a day or two, she gives me a dozen reasons why i shouldnt. Im going to be 24 in 3 weeks and i still havent taken an overnight trip alone, "alone" being the key word. She suggested i go to Portland, Maine which is about two hours closer, she suggested i stay with a friend of hers who will "show me around".

Im not into drugs, or alcohol, the only drink ive had was on my 21st, i had a glass of wine with dinner. Im not going to get wasted, or stoned, and i think my chances of winning the lottery are better than my chances of getting shot on the streets of boston.

Does anyone else (who has an independent personality) have a family member/parent who is like this?

I just want to go somewhere by myself, and not have anyone panic if i dont answer my cell phone on the second ring. I have not given them any reason to believe anything bad will happen, im not a troublemaker, im not suicidal, i just want to make my one week of vacation worthwhile.


_________________
I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who holds the future.


Jellybean
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 20 Apr 2007
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,795
Location: Bedford UK

23 Dec 2010, 4:33 pm

I'm the opposite. I can't go anywhere without supervision! Mainly because I have Tourettes and seem to really pee someone off wherever I go and end up involved in fights...

The question is, do YOU and only YOU feel okay to do this? You're old enough to make your own decisions now. Your Mum is probably worried about you, but I think the issue here is that she isn't ready to let you fly the nest or so to speak. Do you ever get in to difficulty when out alone? Do you cause fights by accident? Have you ever had problems with police etc. misunderstanding you? If not, there isn't really a problem. I have had all of the above although like I said it is more to do with TS than AS.

Follow your heart!


_________________
I have HFA, ADHD, OCD & Tourette syndrome. I love animals, especially my bunnies and hamster. I skate in a roller derby team (but I'll try not to bite ;) )


thechadmaster
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Feb 2005
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,126
Location: On The Road...Somewhere

23 Dec 2010, 4:38 pm

Jellybean-
No tourettes or noticeable tics
No criminal record, or run ins with police
Not prone to starting fights

Im a pretty damn boring person looking for just a drop of excitement, but i guess i cant have that.

"Honor Thy Mother" and so forth.


_________________
I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who holds the future.


MidlifeAspie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Nov 2010
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,016

23 Dec 2010, 4:38 pm

Cut the apron strings, go to Boston, turn off your cell phone and have a good time. If you are mature enough to hold down a job you are mature enough to take a bus on vacation by yourself. I hopped on a plane and moved 3000 miles from home when I was 17 and it was the best decision I ever made.



Janissy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 May 2009
Age: 57
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,450
Location: x

23 Dec 2010, 5:05 pm

thechadmaster wrote:
"Honor Thy Mother" and so forth.


Honoring your mother doesn't mean you have to live by her rules for the rest of your life. If you can do this by yourself, then do this by yourself. Say, "Bye Mom, I'll be fine. I'll call you when I get there." And then go. To be truly adult means making decisions about your own life rather than waiting for your parents to make those decisions.

It is emotionally hard to make that first step of doing something you know you are ready for but your mom does not agree. But making that step is an important part of adulthood. Your mother will worry and worry and try to talk you out of it but ultimately you can't let your mother's worry be the deciding factor in how you live your life.

You can honor her by alleviating her worry with a phone call when you arrive in Boston.



pensieve
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Nov 2008
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,204
Location: Sydney, Australia

23 Dec 2010, 5:53 pm

My mum always says 'are you sure you'll be ok? You won't have a meltdown?' Then she laughs and I glare at her.

My mum is still very protective of me though. She does want me to try new things but she also knows I have problems with it.

Hmm...just say to your mum 'Something could happen or something couldn't happen - we don't know.' And something along the lines of 'If something happens I won't burden you with a call so you don't have to drive 5 hours to get me.'

If you want to go then go.


_________________
My band photography blog - http://lostthroughthelens.wordpress.com/
My personal blog - http://helptheywantmetosocialise.wordpress.com/


IMCarnochan
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 9 Nov 2010
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 216
Location: New York

23 Dec 2010, 6:04 pm

Tell her god is watching out for you so she doesnt have to.



IdahoRose
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Feb 2007
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 19,801
Location: The Gem State

23 Dec 2010, 6:12 pm

thechadmaster, I know exactly how you feel. My mom is the same way.

I haven't taken the bus, gotten a job or lived on my own at all, and I'm 20. My mom tells me I can't do these things because if I tried, I either wouldn't be able to handle it and have a meltdown, or I would get raped or kidnapped by some psycho. She basically says that when you're young, you think the world has a lot to offer you when in reality there's nothing worth going after, so I'm better off staying at home. She openly admits that she's way too overprotective of me, but in the same breath she says she doesn't care if anybody else thinks so.

I've tried telling my mom that if I tried becoming more independent, it would be a huge boost to my self-confidence, but she doesn't listen. I secretly resent being treated like a child all the time and I'm starting to develop anger management issues because of it. I feel powerless over my own life, so I spend the bulk of my time in my imaginary world, where I have complete control over the lives of my favorite fictional characters.

The reason why I can't just up and leave is because I love my mom very much; we are incredibly close for a mother and daughter. We never get into arguments and spend pretty much all of her free time together. She is the sweetest, kindest and most angelic person I've ever met in my life. If I left home, it would break her heart and the last thing I want to do is make her sad.



MidlifeAspie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Nov 2010
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,016

23 Dec 2010, 6:36 pm

IdahoRose wrote:
My mom tells me I can't do these things because if I tried, I either wouldn't be able to handle it and have a meltdown, or I would get raped or kidnapped by some psycho. She basically says that when you're young, you think the world has a lot to offer you when in reality there's nothing worth going after, so I'm better off staying at home.


Your mother has serious issues and appears to be taking advantage of your condition to assuage them.



ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 18 Jun 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 12,265

23 Dec 2010, 7:23 pm

thechadmaster wrote:
Ok, for Christmas, i know im getting cash, and my paid vacation from work starts sunday. I had been planning on going to Boston on the Greyhound bus. I used to live near boston, so i know my way around. Today, i mentioned the idea to my mother who instantly started in trying to talk me out of it. Her argument is "well what if something happens, its a five hour drive there..." and so on. I told her i would be buying a round trip ticket up front, so getting back wont be an issue.

She always does this... whenever i try to get away for a day or two, she gives me a dozen reasons why i shouldnt. Im going to be 24 in 3 weeks and i still havent taken an overnight trip alone, "alone" being the key word. She suggested i go to Portland, Maine which is about two hours closer, she suggested i stay with a friend of hers who will "show me around".

Im not into drugs, or alcohol, the only drink ive had was on my 21st, i had a glass of wine with dinner. Im not going to get wasted, or stoned, and i think my chances of winning the lottery are better than my chances of getting shot on the streets of boston.

Does anyone else (who has an independent personality) have a family member/parent who is like this?

I just want to go somewhere by myself, and not have anyone panic if i dont answer my cell phone on the second ring. I have not given them any reason to believe anything bad will happen, im not a troublemaker, im not suicidal, i just want to make my one week of vacation worthwhile.

When I was sixteen I wanted to do my own thing and just did it regardless. I needed to get away from the pressures and torments of the life I was in so once I got a car I went places and made friends there and wanted to stay there constantly and never return home. No one could talk me out of it. My mom tried to curfew me in order to make me return home by a certain time. I was late a lot and she finally grounded me from driving. I sneaked out of my bedroom window, got my bike from the garage I left unlocked and rode it into the city. When she found out about it I was grounded from driving even longer. All that was at sixteen and my mom could exercise her parental authority without anyone batting an eye.
Past the age of eighteen there really isn't much parents can do if you really want to go somewhere and have the money and the means.



Chronos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Apr 2010
Age: 44
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,698

23 Dec 2010, 9:04 pm

Help your mother get over her separation anxiety. Go on your trip. Give her time frames in which you will call to let her know you are ok, and call during them.



QuelOround
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 12 Sep 2010
Age: 40
Gender: Female
Posts: 135
Location: Dallas, Texas

23 Dec 2010, 9:20 pm

my mom never let me do anything until I was 22 When she found out I might be gay... she threw me out because she didn't think I could survive on my own. So i would return to her crawling on my hands and knees accepting her tyrannical rule over my life with out question. And it probably would've happened that way but my friend took me in, helped me find a job, and pretty much showed me how to live, her nephew has asperger's too so she had a lot of experience to draw from.



thechadmaster
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Feb 2005
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,126
Location: On The Road...Somewhere

26 Dec 2010, 10:50 am

I DID IT!! !!

Im so excited! I made my motel reservation and bought my greyhound ticket! Ive got my laundry going right now and im leaving at 630 tuesday morning returning at 11 wednesday night.

Im gonna pay a visit to my old stomping ground of salem, ma. the very place i got expelled from school in june of 2000.


_________________
I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who holds the future.


Hermier
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 24 Jan 2010
Age: 66
Gender: Female
Posts: 314
Location: Cyberspace, USA

26 Dec 2010, 12:03 pm

Chronos wrote:
Help your mother get over her separation anxiety. Go on your trip. Give her time frames in which you will call to let her know you are ok, and call during them.


This seems like a good idea.

It gets easier and easier for a mother to accept her children's independence as time goes on. I was *freaking out* when my kids started doing things without me. Now, I honestly don't feel afraid or anxious when they are away. They do stay in touch with me, when appropriate. Yes, some things have happened that were basically disasters; yes I did have to rescue them a time or two (thankfully, it was not a five hour drive though).

Be kind with her. Since this would be your first time away, you could maybe answer your phone when she calls (not every hour, but once or twice a day). Let her know that you're doing well, give her a little tidbit about what you've been up to. You don't "have to" but it would help her get through that first time. Just a little kindness.



Hermier
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 24 Jan 2010
Age: 66
Gender: Female
Posts: 314
Location: Cyberspace, USA

26 Dec 2010, 12:06 pm

thechadmaster wrote:
I DID IT!! !!

Im so excited! I made my motel reservation and bought my greyhound ticket! Ive got my laundry going right now and im leaving at 630 tuesday morning returning at 11 wednesday night.

Im gonna pay a visit to my old stomping ground of salem, ma. the very place i got expelled from school in june of 2000.




Awesome! Have a wonderful time. I'm glad you're starting with a shorter trip. That should help everyone to ease into the concept.



Cyd
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 22 Dec 2010
Age: 47
Gender: Female
Posts: 95

26 Dec 2010, 12:24 pm

MidlifeAspie wrote:
Cut the apron strings, go to Boston, turn off your cell phone and have a good time. If you are mature enough to hold down a job you are mature enough to take a bus on vacation by yourself. I hopped on a plane and moved 3000 miles from home when I was 17 and it was the best decision I ever made.


WOOHOO! I took a train and only went 600 miles but I'm with you. It was the best decision I ever made!!