Page 1 of 3 [ 46 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next

Mrsaune
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 28 Dec 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 6
Location: Scottsdale, AZ

29 Dec 2010, 4:32 pm

My one year anniversary is this weekend, January 1st to be exact. My Husband was open with me about having Aspergers before we were married. I did a little research on it and I wasn't too concerned because he didn't really show any of the symptoms. Well after about 2 months of us being married I felt like I got hit by a fast moving train. He has ALL the symptoms and I don't know if I can stay in the marriage. We do not have children together. I have a 16 year old Daughter and a 14 year old son. They liked my Husband in the beginning as well, but now can not stand him. I love him but I can't deal with the lonliness and his rude comments. He is just so rude and ALWAYS right. He also smokes marijuana like his last day on earth. He says it makes him feel normal. Can someone please give me some input? I am so desperate right now and have been going through severe depression over this. I just can't believe this is happening. He seemed so wonderful before we got married.



Plywood
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 7 Jun 2010
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 318

29 Dec 2010, 4:35 pm

You f****d.

But really, just discuss it with him. If he is right then he seems ok with you.



naturalplastic
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Aug 2010
Age: 69
Gender: Male
Posts: 33,879
Location: temperate zone

29 Dec 2010, 4:38 pm

What do you mean by "the loneliness"?

Anyway- sounds like aspergers is the least of his problems. He as addiction and depression issues as well.

Both of you should go in for counselling to atleast the get issues sorted out.



Chronos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Apr 2010
Age: 44
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,698

29 Dec 2010, 4:44 pm

Mrsaune wrote:
My one year anniversary is this weekend, January 1st to be exact. My Husband was open with me about having Aspergers before we were married. I did a little research on it and I wasn't too concerned because he didn't really show any of the symptoms. Well after about 2 months of us being married I felt like I got hit by a fast moving train. He has ALL the symptoms and I don't know if I can stay in the marriage. We do not have children together. I have a 16 year old Daughter and a 14 year old son. They liked my Husband in the beginning as well, but now can not stand him. I love him but I can't deal with the lonliness and his rude comments. He is just so rude and ALWAYS right. He also smokes marijuana like his last day on earth. He says it makes him feel normal. Can someone please give me some input? I am so desperate right now and have been going through severe depression over this. I just can't believe this is happening. He seemed so wonderful before we got married.


You can tell him concerning the pot making him feel normal, that it certainly doesn't make him act normal.

Anyway, it is not unreasonable to expect some level of diplomacy in a relationship even from someone with AS, and there are those with AS who are happily married. Assuming your husband does have AS, and is not just a lazy jerk claming to have AS who doesn't want to put effort into the relationship (they exist), it might be he was putting of the "normal" facade when dating because, well, a person with AS just isn't going to get a date otherwise, and he is rebounding from that because it can't be maintained all of the time.
It might also be that the marriage is very stressful for him.

But the effort one puts into a relationship doesn't end at the pulpit. You need to talk to him about this and ask if he is happy with the marriage, because you are not. Be very direct. Outline your feelings and his behavior that bothers you. Ask him why he has changed so much and if he really just doesn't want to be married anymore.



MidlifeAspie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Nov 2010
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,016

29 Dec 2010, 4:46 pm

Mrsaune wrote:
My one year anniversary is this weekend, January 1st to be exact. My Husband was open with me about having Aspergers before we were married. I did a little research on it and I wasn't too concerned because he didn't really show any of the symptoms. Well after about 2 months of us being married I felt like I got hit by a fast moving train. He has ALL the symptoms and I don't know if I can stay in the marriage. We do not have children together. I have a 16 year old Daughter and a 14 year old son. They liked my Husband in the beginning as well, but now can not stand him. I love him but I can't deal with the lonliness and his rude comments. He is just so rude and ALWAYS right. He also smokes marijuana like his last day on earth. He says it makes him feel normal. Can someone please give me some input? I am so desperate right now and have been going through severe depression over this. I just can't believe this is happening. He seemed so wonderful before we got married.


He didn't do ANY of this before you got married? Or you just thought you could change him? Or did you really not know him very well before you married him? 80% of marriages where one partner has AS ends in divorce.



Kiran
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jun 2010
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 443
Location: Somewhere in Scandinavia

29 Dec 2010, 4:58 pm

If you knew the last thing about aspies, you will know that our horrible ''symptoms'' does not make us jerks. Him being mean to you has nothing to do with him being an aspie. Nice way to judge us all based on the actions of ONE man.


_________________
The modern artist is working with space and time, and expressing his feelings rather than illustrating
- Jackson Pollock


starygrrl
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Apr 2009
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 795

29 Dec 2010, 5:05 pm

Seriously you seem to have rushed into marriage without thinking. Were you really that desperate?

Ah the loneliness, the thing many of NT partners complain about. People with AS do not have the same needs for social communication as those not on the spectrum.

Also please realize wrong planet is a support site mostly for those folks who are on the spectrum, not a place to complain about your partner on the spectrum.

I would just say divorce or even annul the marriage. The drug use is reason enough for a quick and easy annulment. It is one of those "unforgivable things". Since there are no children involved between you two this should not be hard.



Kiran
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jun 2010
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 443
Location: Somewhere in Scandinavia

29 Dec 2010, 5:25 pm

Have you told him how you feel (in a constructive manner, not yelling and such)? If you don't tell him he's not gonna know. NTs have of way of always knowing what the other is thinking just by looking at each other, but aspie do not communicate that way. If you want him to know something, TELL HIM. Don't assume he knows what your thinking just because you gave him a look or something.


_________________
The modern artist is working with space and time, and expressing his feelings rather than illustrating
- Jackson Pollock


Mrsaune
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 28 Dec 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 6
Location: Scottsdale, AZ

29 Dec 2010, 5:31 pm

I am so sorry and I sincerely did not mean to offend anyone. I misunderstood this particular web site. By no means did I intend to send a message that could be hurtful to anyone with Aspergers. Please accept my apology.



techn0teen
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Sep 2010
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 663

29 Dec 2010, 6:00 pm

Quote:
80% of marriages where one partner has AS ends in divorce.


MidlifeAspie, please tell me where you got that statistic. I really am curious but it isn't good to not list the source.

Personally, I would split the marriage because he is smoking marijuana. Drug use just rips apart people and families. Also, the drug use could actually be contributing to the aspergers syndrome.



lelia
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Apr 2007
Age: 71
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,897
Location: Vancouver not BC, Washington not DC

29 Dec 2010, 6:03 pm

Mrsaune, I don't understand how he could have just flipped a switch like this, but I have heard of it happening many times. I don't understand how you couldn't see him as he was, but again, it has happened dozens of times in my personal knowledge of people around me. So.... what do you do now?
If speaking directly, and I mean honestly and directly in ways that may be hard for you, without a lot of anger to stir up defensiveness, does not either help you to understand or to stand his behaviour, then you need to leave. The sooner the better. Do not let his AS or Borderline Personality Disorder or simple Jerkness to destroy your inner self.

I keep wondering in what way was he wonderful before the marriage that he is now?



Avengilante
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 20 May 2008
Age: 63
Gender: Male
Posts: 456

29 Dec 2010, 7:10 pm

techn0teen wrote:
Personally, I would split the marriage because he is smoking marijuana. Drug use just rips apart people and families. Also, the drug use could actually be contributing to the aspergers syndrome.


You have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

No, you don't. I know you THINK you do.

But you don't.


@mrsaune: You aren't going to change him, so you might as well accept that up front. You cannot alter someone elses neurology or 'fix' their disorder. And reading a few articles on AS doesn't give you the remotest clue what its like to live inside our heads. Communicating with NT people is very difficult - our brains do not process social interaction as quickly as yours, so getting our thoughts and feelings across is awkward and frustrating and we often end up feeling misunderstood and becoming angry that no one understands what we're going through. You may find that he shuts down and refuses to talk at all if he thinks you aren't really listening anyway, and that frustration just builds until there's an all around surly attitude. I know he probably seems perfectly capable of communicating verbally, but talking about a special interest is very different than expressing internal emotional information. I'd like to tell you there's a magic cure all for the problem, but there isn't. If you cannot learn to accept him the way he is and find ways of hearing what he needs to express to you, things will only get worse.

As for the pot smoking making him feel normal, well that's just silly - it doesn't make anyone feel 'normal', that's the appeal of the stuff. It does lower inhibitions though, so maybe it does make him feel better able to express himself. I know both pot and alcohol have always done wonders to make socializing easier for me, but it can be counterproductive as far as getting any practical work accomplished. People go through phases with pot, eventually he'll develop other interests that aren't compatible with being stoned and put it aside, because no matter what anyone says, marijuana is NOT physically addictive, but that could take a long time and won't change your problem in any case.


_________________
"Strange, inaccessible worlds exist at our very elbows"
- Howard Phillips Lovecraft


Last edited by Avengilante on 29 Dec 2010, 7:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CockneyRebel
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jul 2004
Age: 49
Gender: Male
Posts: 113,298
Location: Stalag 13

29 Dec 2010, 7:27 pm

My sister is NT...HELP!

And you come to us, saying that you need us to help? If you can't be married to a man who's brain works a little differently, why did you marry him? What would you tell him if he read your message right now and he felt hurt and devistated about what you wrote?


_________________
Who wants to adopt a Sweet Pea?


vetwithAS
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 4 Dec 2010
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 165
Location: AZ

29 Dec 2010, 7:32 pm

Personally, when people have issues with me, I prefer that they come to me with it straight up. Don't be a bi*** about it when you talk to him, but be straightforward and honest and don't leave him guessing as to where you stand. And understand that this may come as a shock to him if you've never said a word about it to him.



Budd
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 24

29 Dec 2010, 8:25 pm

CockneyRebel wrote:
My sister is NT...HELP!

And you come to us, saying that you need us to help? If you can't be married to a man who's brain works a little differently, why did you marry him? What would you tell him if he read your message right now and he felt hurt and devistated about what you wrote?



Are you serious? Yes, she comes to people who know about the situation. If she had oil pouring out of her car would she go see a mechanic or an orthodontist? Why would you think that its wrong for her to seek help for AS on, of all things, an AS forum? Perhaps she could go ask people over at a herpes forum if they know anything about AS?

Obviously she cares enough to look for answers before deciding she can't be married to him so why are you acting like she's trying to hurt his feelings?



Budd
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 24

29 Dec 2010, 8:32 pm

[quote="starygrrl"]Seriously you seem to have rushed into marriage without thinking. Were you really that desperate?

Also please realize wrong planet is a support site mostly for those folks who are on the spectrum, not a place to complain about your partner on the spectrum.

I would just say divorce or even annul the marriage. The drug use is reason enough for a quick and easy annulment. It is one of those "unforgivable things".

1) Kind of rude to call her desperate

2) Helping someone save their marriage to an Aspie IS supporting someone "on the spectrum." And asking for help is NOT complaining

3) There's nothing wrong with smoking Pot. But using it as a technicality to annul a marriage instead of trying to fix the problem first....yeah, there's something wrong with that.