To All the Ex-Partners Looking for an Explanation....

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Lene
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21 Jan 2011, 3:03 pm

zen_mistress wrote:
I actually like "He's not that into you" because I am a person who can be easily deceived and reading it made me realise I had to cut through the BS. That book helped me through getting dropped a few years ago, and the ideas in it are helping me today, as I am going through a breakup right now. I would rather live knowing how someone actually felt about me, then I can actually cut my losses and move on. I dont want to be protected from the truth.


Same here! I hated the book the first time I read it because it described the guy I was currently seeing perfectly, but on re-reading it later on, it's actually quite empowering in a 'hah, I dodged that bullet' kind of way.

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@Lene, I don't know you IRL, but you have never struck me as even possibly suffering from Attachment Disorder. There is some overlap (in terms of symptoms) between Asperger's and Attachment Disorder, so that may be why you're seeing yourself in some of the symptoms described. I agree with you - I know too many Aspies who do feel empathy. I know that psychology is a terribly imperfect science...I hope you don't let it bother you.


Thanks Hopegrows. You're probably right about the overlap between AS and attachment disorder; the reason I thought I had it was because I can't allow myself to make friends at all, even though I think I could pull it off if I could dampen down the fight-or-flight response (comes on if someone suggests we so much as pair up for a project twice in a row!). It could easily be explained by the AS/moving country as a kid. Either way, it doesn't bother me- I just find it really interesting :)



Meow101
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21 Jan 2011, 6:34 pm

Hope, thanks for posting that. It was helpful for me to read. I may never know what happened with my ex, but this may have something to do with it. I'm still struggling with the "why" of it, and ppl in my life still telling me to "get over it" when I can't.

~Kate


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zen_mistress
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21 Jan 2011, 10:54 pm

Kate, healing can take a long time, years even. I can understand how hard it can be if you dont get the closure that you are looking for.

But probably what is best now is that you work on yourself and try and figure out what makes you happy, and trust in the universe that the closure you are looking for will come one day, possibly in a form you dont expect.

I have found that has happened with some of my past boyfriends where it ended and I came out on bottom and they were the victorious dumper. Things have happened since that have made me realise that when I was hurting over it I was still trying to make sense of things, but when enough time had passed and things actually started to get better I could see things I never saw before.

I think part of the problem is that you have been having a difficult time since the breakup with him, and you havent got to enjoy those happy times that help you re-affirm your self esteem and view that past relationship how it really was.

It doesnt sound like your ex is a brave enough person to send an email to help you with that closure, but that says more about him than about you anyway. ((((((((hugs)))))))) I hope you are feeling better.


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HopeGrows
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22 Jan 2011, 12:54 am

zen_mistress wrote:
I actually like "He's not that into you" because I am a person who can be easily deceived and reading it made me realise I had to cut through the BS. That book helped me through getting dropped a few years ago, and the ideas in it are helping me today, as I am going through a breakup right now. I would rather live knowing how someone actually felt about me, then I can actually cut my losses and move on. I dont want to be protected from the truth.


@zen_mistress, I think you hit the nail right on the head with the bolded statement above. People who are on the receiving end of these break-ups don't get to know how their ex felt about them: they're denied the very truth you find important....the truth we all find important. Not knowing why a relationship ends makes it much harder to find closure.

I'm not talking about relationships that are "hit it and quit its" or relationships that seem great, hit a rough patch and then end. I'm referring to relationships that seem happy - blissful even - and then end abruptly, without explanation. The partner who ends the relationship could seemingly teach a class in "moving on" - they show no remorse, no sorrow....sometimes they even behave as though they are the "injured" party, and become angry and hateful toward the partner they chose to abandon. The anger is associated with their failure to make an intimate connection with another person - but it is inappropriately directed at the ex-partner. The anger are frustration are real, but the person with Attachment Disorder blames their ex-partner for failing to evoke the feeling of emotional attachment within him/her - rather than understanding that the problem is their own. Imagine being broken-hearted over being dumped without warning or explanation, and then being treated with contempt by the person who broke your heart. Like most people who can form emotional attachments, the loving feelings you had for your ex-partner wouldn't just go away because you'd been dumped. They wouldn't even go away because your ex was behaving like an ass, and doing whatever he/she could to hurt you. Those are very tough circumstances in which to find closure and healing.

Additionally, when someone behaves as if he's smitten with you, it's such an ego boost - particularly if you're smitten with him. That kind of attention makes you feel attractive and desirable and generally awesome. So when you get dumped under the circumstances I've described, it's hard not to take it personally. One minute you believe you're the measure of his dreams, and the next you're utterly forgettable, kicked to the curb, thrown away. Under those circumstances, it's hard to rationalize that the ego boost of being the object of his desire belongs to you, but the pain and suffering of being the object of his scorn somehow doesn't. Unless and until you realize that you only represented the object of his desire: an intimate connection with another person. You could have been anyone who was willing to give him a tumble. And when it doesn't work out, you've served your purpose, and he's done with you. Case closed, no looking back.

It's always easy - as an outsider - to say, "What a douche - forget him," or "You've got to move on - stop wasting your time on this guy." It's not bad advice, it's not an inaccurate opinion. It's just that it doesn't do quite enough to rid yourself of the self-doubt that an experience like this can trigger. Context is the best medicine, IMO. And when I researched this topic, all the pieces fell into place.....and I was free. If other people can find the same peace and freedom that I have with this information, then I'll be doing what my Jewish friends call a "mitzvah" - and happily.


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HopeGrows
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22 Jan 2011, 12:59 am

Meow101 wrote:
Hope, thanks for posting that. It was helpful for me to read. I may never know what happened with my ex, but this may have something to do with it. I'm still struggling with the "why" of it, and ppl in my life still telling me to "get over it" when I can't.

~Kate


@Kate, I'm glad it helped - I thought it might. Co-morbities are so, so difficult to sort through - for everyone involved. I don't know if this is your ex's issue, but considering the behavior you described, I thought it could be. I hope you are able to find just a tiny bit more peace each day. I do know how you feel, and I wish you the best.


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zen_mistress
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22 Jan 2011, 3:06 am

Hope, if you dated an AS man, they vary, some can be affectiionate, some withdraw into their interests, some have relatively normal attachment experiences, and some dont form attachments very well at all. It sounds like the man you dated fell into the last category. I am sorry you got so hurt and it is good that you have finally figured out what is wrong with what happened. I think that that will help amazingly.

I am going to delete what I just wrote, I shouldnt write naughty things. Anyway what I am saying about the douchey thing is that while some people have disorders of some sort, there exists in the world, douches. I still think SurfMaggie was dating a douche.


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Meow101
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22 Jan 2011, 1:04 pm

HopeGrows wrote:
Meow101 wrote:
Hope, thanks for posting that. It was helpful for me to read. I may never know what happened with my ex, but this may have something to do with it. I'm still struggling with the "why" of it, and ppl in my life still telling me to "get over it" when I can't.

~Kate


@Kate, I'm glad it helped - I thought it might. Co-morbities are so, so difficult to sort through - for everyone involved. I don't know if this is your ex's issue, but considering the behavior you described, I thought it could be. I hope you are able to find just a tiny bit more peace each day. I do know how you feel, and I wish you the best.


I am still struggling a lot, but feeling a tiny bit better and letting go a little bit each day. The sleepless nights are becoming less frequent. If this is indeed his problem, I feel worse for him than I do for me. But unfortunately, I'll never know.

~Kate


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SurfMaggie
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22 Jan 2011, 1:47 pm

Hope - thank you so much for this. I have been a bit quiet recently but I have been reading the forum everyday. You are right that this is an issue that has touched a lot of people - NT and Aspie, men and women and your explanation will undoubtedly help a lot of people to understand a little of why their partner fell out of their lives so quickly and completely, leaving them in a void of uncertainty and despair.

As for me, I have been doing a lot of thinking about my ex and our relationship. For whatever reason, I was not the right one for him. Many people have thought that he was a "douche" ( :P ) for dumping me and for citing my drug addict ex as the reason. However much I loved him, his negative feelings towards me manifested themselves in some angry behaviour towards me, and left me feeling frightened of him at times. I tried to explain it away, justifying it by his Aspergers, but no guy has the right to yell at you in the street and threaten to throw out all your clothes onto the pavement because you told him about your previous relationship difficulties. Aspie or NT, there are standards of behaviour in a relationship that must be adhered to, and if your partner isn't playing along, you have to leave.

I realise now that things between he and I were not right and had to change, but more importantly, I had to change. I let one husband take drugs for years, as I tried to support and "help" him, with the hope he would change. Then I let one guy be so sensitive and judgemental about me that I walked on egg shells to avoid arguments and blow outs, totally surpressing the real me in the process. Despite knowing in my heart of hearts that this was wrong, I allowed it to happen. Now I know it is me that has a problem.

So I am doing a bit of work on me. I'm making some changes to my life; moving house, taking up some hobbies I have wanted to do for years, and doing some reading about relationships. My current book, which comes with me as I explore nice little coffee shops in the area, is Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. Obviously not all of it will be relevent but it will hopefully explain why I put up with men that are un-healthy for me, with the hope that they will change into nice guys. So hopefully when I do finally meet Mr Right, I will be in a happy place in my life.

So I look back on my break-up and I am glad in many ways. I am glad he had the courage to do it, as I think I was too scared of being alone to do it. I am glad he cared enough about me not to hurt me anymore and I am glad I was spared that one last "blow-out" argument that would have severely tarnished any good memories that I have of our time together. I have the opportunity to move on and grow, and for that I thank him.

So, to all of you who are hurting: please know that it does get better with time, but also remember that anyone who can just walk away from you without looking back, is either not worth it in the first place, or needs to do an awful lot to make it up to you again (and not you making up to him!). Keep your dignity, give yourself some me-time and get back out into our lovely world and have some fun. You absolutely deserve it.

Take care

Maggie xx



Esther
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22 Jan 2011, 2:47 pm

Ladies and gents, a big virtual hug to all of you.

I often listen to this song and it really cheers me up. I hope we all find peace in our own ways.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ul7XLD_AZu8[/youtube]



zen_mistress
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22 Jan 2011, 2:50 pm

Maggie, I am realising now that I probably shouldnt have singled out your ex and called him a douche. But the point I am trying to make is that sometimes when a break up occurs, a lot of confusion results.

The explanation needed may be a long time in coming. It is easier to conclude that they just werent right for you, when you still dont know what went wrong and you are dealing with the fallout from it alone while they are seemingly ok with it all.

I dont think i am doing a good job in expressing myself, but I hope you see what I mean.


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SurfMaggie
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23 Jan 2011, 2:33 pm

Thank you Zen_Mistress - your comments in no way offended me - I am actually very thankful that so many people have taken the time to write and give me support and encouragement through the hard times.

I just hope that people going through the same situation can find some peace; remember, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger :D

Maggie xx

PS Thanks for the song Esther - it is beautiful



zen_mistress
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23 Jan 2011, 3:37 pm

^ I am amazed at the supportive power of the internet. People online have been so good to me. People in real life too, actually when I think about it.


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HopeGrows
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24 Jan 2011, 10:51 pm

zen_mistress wrote:
Hope, if you dated an AS man, they vary, some can be affectiionate, some withdraw into their interests, some have relatively normal attachment experiences, and some dont form attachments very well at all. It sounds like the man you dated fell into the last category. I am sorry you got so hurt and it is good that you have finally figured out what is wrong with what happened. I think that that will help amazingly.


Yes, I've dated a few AS men. 8) Thanks for your sympathy....figuring this out has helped amazingly. I feel lucky to have an answer - not a happy answer, but an answer. I really am lucky.


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HopeGrows
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24 Jan 2011, 10:53 pm

Meow101 wrote:
I am still struggling a lot, but feeling a tiny bit better and letting go a little bit each day. The sleepless nights are becoming less frequent. If this is indeed his problem, I feel worse for him than I do for me. But unfortunately, I'll never know.

~Kate


Every step forward is a step forward. *hugs*


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24 Jan 2011, 11:03 pm

HopeGrows wrote:
zen_mistress wrote:
Hope, if you dated an AS man, they vary, some can be affectiionate, some withdraw into their interests, some have relatively normal attachment experiences, and some dont form attachments very well at all. It sounds like the man you dated fell into the last category. I am sorry you got so hurt and it is good that you have finally figured out what is wrong with what happened. I think that that will help amazingly.


Yes, I've dated a few AS men. 8) Thanks for your sympathy....figuring this out has helped amazingly. I feel lucky to have an answer - not a happy answer, but an answer. I really am lucky.


Glad to hear you are lucky, Hg.. we all could use a little luck in life :)


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HopeGrows
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24 Jan 2011, 11:24 pm

SurfMaggie wrote:
Hope - thank you so much for this. I have been a bit quiet recently but I have been reading the forum everyday. You are right that this is an issue that has touched a lot of people - NT and Aspie, men and women and your explanation will undoubtedly help a lot of people to understand a little of why their partner fell out of their lives so quickly and completely, leaving them in a void of uncertainty and despair.

As for me, I have been doing a lot of thinking about my ex and our relationship. For whatever reason, I was not the right one for him. Many people have thought that he was a "douche" ( :P ) for dumping me and for citing my drug addict ex as the reason. However much I loved him, his negative feelings towards me manifested themselves in some angry behaviour towards me, and left me feeling frightened of him at times. I tried to explain it away, justifying it by his Aspergers, but no guy has the right to yell at you in the street and threaten to throw out all your clothes onto the pavement because you told him about your previous relationship difficulties. Aspie or NT, there are standards of behaviour in a relationship that must be adhered to, and if your partner isn't playing along, you have to leave.


You're welcome, Maggie. As to the bolded text above: true that, sister.

SurfMaggie wrote:
I realise now that things between he and I were not right and had to change, but more importantly, I had to change. I let one husband take drugs for years, as I tried to support and "help" him, with the hope he would change. Then I let one guy be so sensitive and judgemental about me that I walked on egg shells to avoid arguments and blow outs, totally surpressing the real me in the process. Despite knowing in my heart of hearts that this was wrong, I allowed it to happen. Now I know it is me that has a problem.

So I am doing a bit of work on me. I'm making some changes to my life; moving house, taking up some hobbies I have wanted to do for years, and doing some reading about relationships. My current book, which comes with me as I explore nice little coffee shops in the area, is Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. Obviously not all of it will be relevent but it will hopefully explain why I put up with men that are un-healthy for me, with the hope that they will change into nice guys. So hopefully when I do finally meet Mr Right, I will be in a happy place in my life.


I think you might be being a little too hard on yourself here, Maggie. You didn't "let" your ex-husband take drugs. You could have left him sooner, I'm sure - but you couldn't have stopped him from taking drugs. His relationship with drugs was the most important relationship in his life - but that was his choice, kiddo.

I've recommended "Women Who Love Too Much" so many times! It's an awesome book. I also recommend "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them" by Susan Forward. They may help you understand yourself, and the relationship choices you've made. I found them really helpful. I'm glad you're feeling better, and that you're taking some time to tackle your own stuff. It's truly an investment in yourself - and I know you won't regret it. Take care, hon.


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