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Ellytoad
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22 Apr 2011, 9:30 am

I dislike small talk because it's boring and threatens to go on forever.



bumble
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22 Apr 2011, 10:56 am

1 It is incredibly boring

2 I am not very good at it

3 As soon as small talk starts my mind either wanders or I get annoyed as they are disrupting more interesting thoughts that I was having lol

4 It's annoying lol. "Lovely sunny day isn't it" to which you feel compelled to answer "yes" whilst simultaneously cringing because you know you can't stand sunny days due to being light sensitive. On the other hand if you reply with "well actually I don't like hot sunny weather because my eyes are sensitive to bright sunlight and the heat of the sun on my skin makes me feel queasy so personally I'd rather have a nice rainy overcast day because I like standing out in the rain and feeling it on my skin as well as listening to it hit the window pane...oh and there is also a foreboding but rather elegant sense of beauty when you see certain buildings or objects set against a dark overcast sky such as the old stone church near my house. It is really rather beautiful and I keep meaning to take a photograph of it one day so that I can perhaps turn it into a painting when I learn to paint in the future. Of course I don't paint at the moment because I am busy with my sequin art and I am on a mission to collect all 49 kits and complete them. The kits are by KSG which a norfolk company you know! Although when I am done completing those I will probably go back to cross stitching again as I presently have over 50 kits in my stash, over 3 years worth of stitching magazines and was in the process of collecting all of the range of threads by DMC and then Anchor. Madeira also do some nice sparkling threads that you can use although personally I like DMC light effects myself. I was also planning to try out stitching on evenweave instead of aida which is the usual material I use and there is also something called black work that I was looking into trying. Have you ever tried black work? There are some nice designs out there for both black work and cross stitch. I particularly like the flower fairies (I collect all things fairy) and popcorn ranges (I collect those too) and..... "

Oh dear they seem to have gone!



Biggus23x
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22 Apr 2011, 12:01 pm

For me, it's because it involves a contraction of consciousness...when making small talk the information content is too small, so I have to force myself to slow down my mind or the spare brainpower starts thinking about something else and I often find I've stopped listening to the small talk.

Then I have to either stop and ask them what they were talking about (which is ok if it happens once but if you do it all the time people don't like it much...), or try to bluff my way through it (which I'm not very good at).

In contrast, when I'm discussing something really interesting, my mind feels alive, like it's moving at it's natural speed, expansive and powerful. If it's a particularly interesting conversation, my mind races, and I experience a sort of high as I make more and more connections and probe deeper into the questions.

As I've got older (I'm 36) I've come to understand the purpose of small talk, and have become reasonably skilled in it, but I still don't enjoy it much. I definitely prefer to get to the big talk as quickly as possible.



LadyGray
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22 Apr 2011, 1:37 pm

I'm unsure just what small talk is.
To statements like "nice day" a "mmm." seems to suffice. Questions, I can understand, as I understand curiousity.


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zport
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22 Apr 2011, 1:45 pm

I have been practicing small talk for over 2 years at my work, and its challenging indeed. I have learned to fake it rather good by learning what others do in their past time and what they like to talk about. The dilemma is that the conversation gets on repeat every week with slight variations.

And when we have emptied the subject my mind just gets blank, i have some standard phrases though that i use when walking past someone or stopping for a second. "Hows it going" "much to do today" "how long do you work today"....some phrases like that. they keep me from not ending up totally silent. And if i feel i go blank....i use "time to get back to work"

When i listen to collegues small talk its very different....they talk about alot of stuff and they just seem to be able to stand their chatting for half an hour if not work stoped them.

I have realised that its not that i dont like "small talk" that has just been a lie i have told myself. its just that i am unable to connect to that flow others seem to create between themself, since i am constantly in my mind thinking of what to say and do next. no wonder i have very little body and face language since i am pretty occupied already.

I dont think many in my workplace notice this since i guess i am rather good at faking.

It takes ALOT of energy though and it gets really boring since i am just repeating the same phrases and same conversations over and over again. No wonder i hate small talk.



motherof2
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22 Apr 2011, 8:52 pm

My husband used to comment how I made small talk and he was not used to it. I only said it because I was uncomfortable. Uncomfortable pauses made me think if we were really good together (or with friends 'really friends', than we should have something to say. Since we did not I would break into small talk to keep the conversation going. He would talk less and then I would talk more as I got more uncomfortable. Now we sit in silence a lot, but I still feel the urge and do talk about the weather or something equally stupid.


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motherof2
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22 Apr 2011, 9:10 pm

cubedemon6073 wrote:
ediself wrote:
j0sh wrote:
marshall wrote:
Because pretending to care makes my brain hurt. Seriously. It takes too much energy. That and I usually don't like the questions other people ask.


People get upset when you don't fake interest hard enough too. They know that most people don't care, but they certainly expect you to enthusiastically convince them you do.

yeah, and if you DO care, you also have to be careful not to show it too much, because it's inappropriate .....


Are you serious? I did not know that.


I guess it bothers me that people don't care to get to know other people. Maybe most people go on forever on small talk, but I don't. I prefer to have deep conversations. But how can one start a conversation with a deep topic. I usually avoid meeting new people, but every once in awhile end up in a crowd and someone will start small talk. If it help get us to the really getting to know you stage than good. My husband skips this stage and goes directly into the deep conversation stage. I can't do that because it feels weird. I can't have a deep conversation with someone I do not know. And I cannot get to know you unless I ask you about yourself. If you don't ask me questions back I will take it that you don't want to get to know me.
I'd much rather have you show you care to get to know me than not give a crap.


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bee33
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22 Apr 2011, 9:32 pm

zport wrote:
I have realised that its not that i dont like "small talk" that has just been a lie i have told myself. its just that i am unable to connect to that flow others seem to create between themself, since i am constantly in my mind thinking of what to say and do next.

I feel the same way. It's not that I don't like small talk or think it's a waste of time, it's that I don't know how to engage in it because I can't think of anything to say. Small talk is the art of having a conversation without actually saying anything, just for the pleasure of connecting to another person. I think it sounds rather delightful to be able to do that. I just don't happen to know how to do it, perhaps because I am not relaxed enough around people to let random niceties just flow out of my mouth, and certainly not enough to do it with effortless smoothness, while somehow keeping the nothing comments appropriate and appropriately engaging.



Dinosaw
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22 Apr 2011, 11:38 pm

Small talk is cheap. Small talk is often shorthand.

When I lived 'up North' (I grew up in NJ), I handled small talk with silly comments or crazy rejoinders in order to move past the discomfort of engagement, often saying things that made people chuckle. I like to laugh, I assumed that other people must as well and I went to great lengths teaching myself how to accomplish the reaction.

If someone said "great weather today, isn't it" I might have said "Yep, great day for the CIA to see what we're doing". I might even add physical touches like widening my eyes and sticking my tongue out the side of my mouth, just to make sure my body language was appropriately informing them of my intent. I loved to get them to think a moment about what I said, maybe even stop and shake their heads in response. Usually I got what I wanted, them laughing briefly as they, and I, moved on. I avoided further participation by making my comments off handed and 'on the fly', as part of the frenzied persona I projected.

'Down South' they turn small talk on its head (I now live in NC). The 'Southern Hospitality' is sometimes a veneer, you'll find the natives say charming things to act interested though they may feel something quite different. For instance, when a person says "Bless their heart" in response to "my husband ran into the mail box again", they might really mean something like "an idiot like that should consider himself lucky he doesn't get killed". It's hard to tell from the delivery what the intention of such is, even an NT is fooled by the sincerity.

Just the other day I heard a recent arrival from New Hampshire complain that everyone in Raleigh was using "Who knows?" in response small talk inquiries. The transplant said if she heard one more person say "who knows" she was going to slap them, she felt people were being willfully ignorant. I didn't have the heart to tell her that they weren't really saying "who knows", they were really saying "who cares" because the locals are far from stupid.


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Last edited by Dinosaw on 23 Apr 2011, 11:35 am, edited 2 times in total.

Kedman
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23 Apr 2011, 12:13 am

I have my own ideas on the various type of small talk. Essentially it's a form of sub-communication...and it's not pointless. Although I agree it IS annoying, it does serve a purpose.

1) Small talk with the person you just met - If they initate the conversation, this is essentially a way of 'sniffing' you out, like some animals do when they first encounter each other. In most cases, they're not as interested in WHAT you say as they are in HOW you respond. By (unconsiously?) listening to your words and watching your mannerisms, they can begin to size you up. Are you a friend or a foe? Sane or psycotic? Dumbass or intellectual? Since they have no idea who you are, this small talk allows them to get an impression of who they think you are, and whether further interaction is desired. This is the dreaded 'first impression'. If you make it through the first round of mindless drivel, you might then be felt out further, to see if you have common interests or idealologies.

2) Chance Encounter Small Talk - This is closely related to #1, except that you haven't actually met the person per se, you just happened to get thrust into their personal space...such as at a bus stop, in an elevator or a waiting room. In these cases, small talk is simply a means of filling an uncomfortable (unknowing) silence, to not only assure you that they're friendly and harmless, but ascertain your intentions or state of mind as well. Your response dictates whether they hit the button for the next floor to get off and use the stairs, or at least scoot a few seats farther away.

Example:

Person #1: "Nice weather we're having today, isn't it?"..........translates to............"I'm not a wierdo, I hope you're not either."
Person #2: "Yes it is, I hope it lasts a few more days."...........translates to............"No I'm not, and I'll leave you alone if you do likewise."
Person #1: "Absolutely, I could get used to this."....................translates to............"It's a deal. Thanks for letting me know you're not a lunatic."
Person #2: "Ditto"...............................................................................translates to............"Ditto"


3) Small talk in the form of gossip - Talking about other people and their problems is how someone with low self-esteem keeps the focus on someone (anyone) else and away from themselves. Not only does gossiping endlessly about other people deflect closer personal scrutiny, but also is their way of forming a 'bond' with you, by sharing 'secrets'. Such people often don't have the confidence or social abilities to do otherwise, and it doesn't help that often the recipient of the gossip is sharing in this behavior to similarly deflect the focus of the conversation from themselves as well. Although it might be thought of as a win/win scenario, it's actually just the opposite, since the two aren't forming any kind of substantial bond...like trying to fill your stomach with whipped cream.

So...in my opinion, since an Aspie tends to be more blunt and to-the-point, this little small-talk dance that NT's engage in IS pointless. Unfortunately, I think a majority of Aspies don't know the proper dance steps, and end up stepping on some feet. All I can suggest it to learn the steps. You don't have to "feel it" to learn how to move your feet...and you don't necessarily have to care about the subject matter to feign mild interest in it.



XFilesGeek
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23 Apr 2011, 9:10 am

I understand the "point" of "small talk." Humans are a highly verbal species; therefore, they use verbal communication to "figure each other out," as opposed to, for example, dogs, who rely on smell. It's no different than monkeys grooming one another. People say random things to other people and gauge who they are and what they want based on the semi-random replies those people provide. People aren't "dumb" for engaging in small talk, they're actual quite smart in that they're preventing potential social disasters.

One I had this little revelation, my ability to "small talk" improved.

The reason I don't care for it is because I generally don't like talking, period. I don't even like talking about "deep" subjects because it involves TALKING. My preferred method of communication is the keyboard.


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ImAnAspie
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22 May 2014, 6:15 pm

I'm sure if I sat and thought about it for a while, I'd think of lots of reasons why I don't like it but for me, the main reasons why I don't like small talk are:

1) It's a sign that we're running out of things to say, the conversation is dying and it gets REALLY uncomfortable from here on out;
2) It's a waste of time;
3) It's tantamount to saying to the other person, "I really don't have anything to say to you!";
4) I don't get it! I don't see the point!
5) It can feel very false - and I don't do false!


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B19
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22 May 2014, 6:41 pm

Because it is trivial, trivialising, ritualised, superficial, often insincere, and meaningless. Given a marvellous amazing brain, small-talkers choose to use it for that? Like using a ferrari just to go to the supermarket.



JerryM
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22 May 2014, 7:10 pm

B19 wrote:
Because it is trivial, trivialising, ritualised, superficial, often insincere, and meaningless. Given a marvellous amazing brain, small-talkers choose to use it for that? Like using a ferrari just to go to the supermarket.


This. It's completely pointless and boring most of the time. I mean, is it really worth talking about how it's sunny outside or rainy? I can see that it's sunny. I can see that it's hot. What more needs to be said? I'd rather be silent than waste words on talking about what I ate for dinner last night.



B19
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22 May 2014, 7:50 pm

And unless it's in the context of a first encounter, I equate small talk=small mind.



daydreamer84
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22 May 2014, 7:58 pm

For me, it's just boring and also awkward because I don't know how to respond to the other person.



Last edited by daydreamer84 on 22 May 2014, 8:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.