Dating someone with Asperger's

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I am a neurotypical 23-year-old girl who is in a serious relationship with a man with an Asperger's diagnosis. Any advice for me? I've figured out some stuff on my own, but I am a little curious as to what others have to say.

Welcome.

I don't know what kind of advice to give. AS tends to manifest itself differently in different people. I guess we would need to know more about him, and more about your relationship. You are off to a good start if you are doing your homework.

Patience and balance is the best advice I can give. Be a good listener. Don't assume he is going to understand your feeling without you being explicit (but how explicit may need to be balanced as the relationship evolves). He cannot read your mind, nor should you try to read his.

I hope this is a start. Good luck.

You've pretty much hit the nail on the head. @knm73500, my girlfriend is neurotypical, and she's in the same boat you are in

Thanks for the insight. Though I'm not really qualified to make such assessments, I'd say he's on the high-functioning end of the Asperger's spectrum, meaning that, though I knew he was a little different, I did not immediately identify the Asperger's until after he told me.

I suppose my main concerns are on how much to encourage him with regard to his career and future. I do not want to be pushy, but I believe he is capable of quite a lot, seeing as he is very talented and smart. He does still live at home with his parents (he's 24), but he has expressed a strong desire to move out. He works from home, so he's not sponging off his parents, but I think the independence would be good for him.

Any other thoughts?

It sounds like he's lucky to have you. I think it's good that you're want give him encouragement. I think give him the support and encouragement when he needs but I think you also need understand that his achievements are ultimately up to him.

Very true. I suppose that's true for 'neurotypical' relationships as well, though most are far from typical!

I would say that just like with any relationship, don't overthink it. Just be you, and he will be him.

My gf and I are both Aspies. However, I would agree with the patience part. Try not to force him to be 'normal'. Instead you'll want to guide him slightly as far as being a productive member of society, and at the same time embrace the 'not-normal'.

My guess is you're probably dating him because he's intelligent, which says a lot about your personality (as far as I know, smart guys like smart girls and vice versa). So yeah, just remember that he probably has a tough time with relationships, and try not to get too upset if he fscks up every now and then.

Hi, well my girlfriend is neurotypical. She is 24, I am 25. 4 years together...
We bought several books about Asperger, and I found that it is quite hard to have a girlfriend reading a book on how to treat me, especially when they touch issues like sexual life. I moved from my parent's home when I was in my late 23s. With my girl of course; and yes, it was quite hard for me to move.
My girl and I talk openly about the syndrome in order to solve possible issues. Also she believed in my future, that I was really smart and those things, therefore she wanted to encourage me to do stuff with my life, not to hide at home and pretend everything will be solve on its own. But, each Aspie is also different...
What she did was quite easy according to her opinion. She gave me motivation, if an Aspie doesn't have motivation there is nothing you can do. How to create motivation? well, one of the fears I encountered throughout my life was how to do things to make them happen, something as simple as applying to a university and have a planned career. We want to have almost everything clear and planned, free will and uncertainty kill us, at least me. So what she did was sit me on a chair and talk about my future, our future. She brought her laptop, and we started PLANNING our next few years. She helped me with papering, which is where we get lost and makes us anxious. When I saw the REAL possibilites I started to feel more relaxed about getting out of my home and more confident. Though it may not be the same for every Aspie. And also LOTS of patience, because he will want everything under control, details that usually a neurotypical won't even see or understand, and with that I recommend lots of love and patience. It is important to also remember, the fact he is an Aspie doesn't mean you cannot discuss things he does wrong, we have no excuse, and we must learn, BUT remember we might take longer to understand certain things.

If you have more questions or you would even like to contact my girl feel free to send a Private Message, she will definetly help you and I will too, because I know myself.

Best wishes

My lady is NT, and she's put up with me for over 11 years now. I'll have her PM you if you need help!

Good luck! We've had a wonderful journey, and I wish you and yours the same!

Damn, you're hot. The lucky bastard.

Advice? Buy him an XBox.

I don't know if an aspergian man would be much different from an aspergian woman at the basic level, but I can tell you the things I as a woman have observed.

I'm glad you're concerned about how much to encourage him. This is something important I think, and it's always been a bit of a breaking point in my relationships (All 3 of them, vast experience here obviously!) - I find that most "neurotypicals" (That is to say, normal people) have some difficulty with judging when I need encouragement, how much, and how. This is something you'll want to pay attention to. Maybe even straight-up ask him - he might not be able to give you a good or straight answer, but at the very least he'll know that you're trying to understand how to be helpful in the best way. Pushing someone over the edge might very well end up in him locking up tightly for a long time on that particular topic - I know I do that a lot. Even if it's something I want help with, if the pushing is too eager it'll go too fast for me, and I'll lock up tight and can't touch the topic for a long time. Trying to fix it usually just makes it worse once it gets to that point.

I'm also glad you see him as talented and smart - if he feels that you see him that way, it's very encouraging. Telling him might not do the best job at it though - I often feel like it's sarcastically meant when people tell me they think I'm great at something or talented or whatever - I find it hard to accept, or believe, for some reason. When I somehow feel that someone sincerely feels that way about me though, it's a great feeling.


Support his will to move out, if you think it's a good idea - this part was hard for me as well, I wanted to, I really wanted to, but god it was a hard decision to make, and even harder to actually do it. Independence might do him some good - but you'll have to keep in mind that it's easy to feel a bit helpless here. He might not have the same confidence to do some things on his own, as you expect him to. To him, suddenly having to deal with making dinner on his own might be scary - I know it was for me. I didn't know what to make, I realised I didn't know how to make, I didn't know what ingredients to get, I wasn't confident enough to go to the shop and get the ingredients, and so on. That's me though - I hope he's better at that kind of stuff than I am And for all I know he's been dealing with that all along already. But you get the example I'm trying to make.


All in all, it's probably a pretty big deal for him in general. Maybe more so than you think. Maybe not. Just be open to the ideas that it might be. In fact just try to be open, in general. Being straight-forward helps with an Aspie, it helps a lot, and you probably know by now that he might be pretty straight-forward as well. I don't take offence by my lover being straight-forward with me - because it's what makes sense to me. All the sugar-coating most people do when they want to get an uncomfortable point across usually just ticks me off, a lot more than the actual point they're trying to make.


Can't say much more though, if there's anything specific you'd have to help me help you

Yeah. And you'll never see him again!

Oh geez.

I think that's exactly it. He wants to move out, but he just doesn't know how to go about doing all of the individual steps necessary to make that happen. As an abstract concept, it is want he wants, but he has a hard time making that translate into concrete action.

I suppose that the key here is patience, and that's something I'm willing to give. I don't want to operate under ultimatums or anything like that.

I will continue encouraging him. I think that's the best thing to do, from what I've gathered.

My advice is to not put any pressure with regards to social interactions, and don't be surprised if he does not act in a typical way in those social situations. Also don't do the "we should do this as a couple thing". I think this is the one thing that is often a NT fail. Basically don't be surprised if you go into a party, and he spends more time with the pets than with people. Or if he comes off as akward and does not connect with anybody.

Also realize there is no such thing as a social obligation for somebody on the spectrum. Social rituals, including wakes, weddings, funerals, etc should be a matter of choice. If you think it is a matter of "obligation", attend yourself, and leave him behind.

The reason why I state this is because me (who is on the spectrum) and my boyfriend (who is not) have different social needs, dramatically different. I get drained in social situations after awhile, I get overstimulated. He on the other hand thrives the more he is around it. I can handle one on one okay, or even small groups. But at a certian point I begin to really struggle.

My advice is to form a healthy social life outside of him as well. Don't judge him for social quirks or avoidance. Alone time is very important for those on the spectrum, as well as pursuing interests.

Also you may see something very different, somebody with AS doing okay socially in an interest related activity, but struggling at social ritual activities.

The way I like to put it is we are interest focused individuals, we do great within our interests, but do poorly socially outside of them. I had partners that noticed I had alot of friends in the music scene (or arts scene, academia), but take me out to say a family party, and I would struggle to talk to anybody. The point being is the "interest based" social activities are often the only ones we thrive at. Also don't get too upset when he is stating no interest in going to something social, we often have reasons for that. This is a very subtle thing, because it is a slight processing issue. We can be very social and articulate in one situation, and struggle to socialize in another.

We are complicated individuals, very much in our own heads and worlds, we thrive off of pursuits of our interests (intellectual, artistic, etc) rather than socializing. We can be very smart and interesting, but people place NT expectations on us, because we seem similiar. In reality there is some adaptation that needs to be made, because we are different.