Dating someone with Asperger's

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starygrrl
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07 Feb 2011, 5:17 pm

My advice is to not put any pressure with regards to social interactions, and don't be surprised if he does not act in a typical way in those social situations. Also don't do the "we should do this as a couple thing". I think this is the one thing that is often a NT fail. Basically don't be surprised if you go into a party, and he spends more time with the pets than with people. Or if he comes off as akward and does not connect with anybody.

Also realize there is no such thing as a social obligation for somebody on the spectrum. Social rituals, including wakes, weddings, funerals, etc should be a matter of choice. If you think it is a matter of "obligation", attend yourself, and leave him behind.

The reason why I state this is because me (who is on the spectrum) and my boyfriend (who is not) have different social needs, dramatically different. I get drained in social situations after awhile, I get overstimulated. He on the other hand thrives the more he is around it. I can handle one on one okay, or even small groups. But at a certian point I begin to really struggle.

My advice is to form a healthy social life outside of him as well. Don't judge him for social quirks or avoidance. Alone time is very important for those on the spectrum, as well as pursuing interests.

Also you may see something very different, somebody with AS doing okay socially in an interest related activity, but struggling at social ritual activities.

The way I like to put it is we are interest focused individuals, we do great within our interests, but do poorly socially outside of them. I had partners that noticed I had alot of friends in the music scene (or arts scene, academia), but take me out to say a family party, and I would struggle to talk to anybody. The point being is the "interest based" social activities are often the only ones we thrive at. Also don't get too upset when he is stating no interest in going to something social, we often have reasons for that. This is a very subtle thing, because it is a slight processing issue. We can be very social and articulate in one situation, and struggle to socialize in another.

We are complicated individuals, very much in our own heads and worlds, we thrive off of pursuits of our interests (intellectual, artistic, etc) rather than socializing. We can be very smart and interesting, but people place NT expectations on us, because we seem similiar. In reality there is some adaptation that needs to be made, because we are different.



Dnex
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08 Feb 2011, 11:22 am

starygrrl pretty much put it perfectly.



DigitalDesperado
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08 Feb 2011, 12:47 pm

Excellent post starygrrl ! !

This should be framed and displayed in the Hall of Fame. It might be helpful to have a some type of read only "sticky thread" for posts like this. Where people that come here looking for advice with their AS partner can be directed.

It wouldn't preclude anyone from asking questions and it would prevent valuable posts like this from fading away into the mix.



TheWeirdPig
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08 Feb 2011, 1:13 pm

knm73500 wrote:
As an abstract concept, it is want he wants, but he has a hard time making that translate into concrete action.


Want he wants. That actually makes a lot of sense. Let's face it, living with your parents in your mid-twenties in this economy is not that out out of the ordinary. So finding reasons to have some motivation may be helpful for him.

knm73500 wrote:
I suppose that the key here is patience, and that's something I'm willing to give. I don't want to operate under ultimatums or anything like that.

I will continue encouraging him. I think that's the best thing to do, from what I've gathered.


Ultimatums, no. Encouragement with a twist of slight pressure might be ok. Without that twist of slight pressure, he may never have motivation. Anything you do, proceed with caution.

Good luck.



knm73500
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08 Feb 2011, 6:01 pm

@TheWeirdPig--sorry about the typo. That is what I meant.

Thanks to everyone for the advice. It does help to hear it from those who have experienced something similar.



aussiebloke
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13 Feb 2011, 6:45 pm

knm73500 wrote:
Quote:
Damn, you're hot. The lucky bastard.

Advice? Buy him an XBox.


Oh geez.


+ 1


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