tcorrielus wrote:
RELATIONSHIP ADVICE PLEASE:
For the aspies that claim they are in a long-term relationship with NTs, I'd like to ask you a few questions:
1) What did you do to successfully initiate the relationship? What did you do to socially attract your bf or gf?
2) What have you done to successfully maintain the relationship or prevent it from falling apart?
I am asking these questions because I want to initiate and successfully maintain a healthy relationship with a woman in the future. So please help me out fellow aspies.
I have been with my bf for almost 8 years, we have been living together for 6 years. When I first met him I was just starting to find things that I really enjoyed doing (kayaking, bicycling, birdwatching, etc), and I think my enthusiasm and perspective were really appealing to him. After having been depressed for many years before, I was coming to the conclusion that the world was a pretty fantastic place and I was thankful for the ability to see and do all that I do.
In the years since meeting we've had our ups and downs. Many disagreements, arguments, insecurity on my part, etc. This came to a head about 5 years ago, when I hit him during an intense argument. He wasn't hurt, but I was filled with shame. I knew that a relationship with physical violence was unacceptable to both of us, and if I couldn't get things under control it would be the end of us. This led to a lot of talking, more arguing, some heartfelt conversations and letters where we expressed the things we couldn't say but were important enough to communicate. We learned that many things weren't nearly as important as we'd thought, and weren't even important enough to argue about (like what pattern of dishes to get, where to go for dinner, what movie to see, etc), so we stopped worrying about those. Things got a lot better for us after we figured that out.
I would say that since my diagnosis with AS things have been even better. In one book I've read about being a successful aspie, it stressed the importance of a diagnosis being accepted by the parties involved, and I tend to agree. We both know now that some of my feelings/actions are different from his for the simple reason that we think differently and perceive the world differently.
Upon reflection, it seems that this lovely man has been an integral part of my development as a person. he and I share the same world, and he very patiently tries to explain the things that I can't quite grasp, he helps turn the world from a scary, overwhelming hive of busy-ness into bite sized bits that I can manage. In return, I share with him my intuition and uncomplicated perspective, which I think has become valuable to him.
27 Mar 2011, 12:23 pm
