Are you currently in a long term romantic relationship?
Disagree -
I have a couple of theories - I do tend to agree with Simon Baron-Cohen re: the extreme male brain and autism - therefore I think that it can be easier for a female (not saying it always is) to be in a long term relationship with a male - in my relationship my husband has never been bothered by questions from me about his feelings, neither of us is that emotionally needy; he is freer to pursue some of his own interests due to my need for alone time and my own "special interests"; this works for us.
Temple Grandin has also stated that people of her generation (I'm somewhat younger but still "older") were made to learn good manners and, while difficult to learn at the time, this hasn't been a completely negative thing, it has been helpful in relationships.
The results are pretty much what I expected.
It reminds me of the episode of Arrested Development where Charlize Theron's character is being pursued by Michael. He just keeps overlooking the fact that she is mentally disabled in some way because he's so attracted to her. In most cultures men are the sexual hunters and an introverted female will still be hunted.
5 years (almost) of non romantic relationship.
What makes it non-romantic? (different people could interpret that different ways)
Non romantic...As in, we do tell each other we still love each other, from time to time, to make sure we still want to be together. Because there are no other signs of it we live as friends, not much kissing or touching going on (during the day), no presents or gestures or anything that entails the other one having to prove his love likewise , which could escalate into a "romance battle" which someone would lose. We just let each other be, neither of us is very touchy feely, and we both need long hours of not talking to each other. If he comes to me or I come to him, we generally respond to the demand of the other, but we're not always side by side,we would fight endlessly if it were the case, "social overload" not helping. These days we don't even live in the same country anymore
Both pretty fine with it.
I don't think having a partner makes you subclinical. For one thing, in american culture (and true for lots of other places too) men do a lot more of the pursuing than woman. Secondly, I have a very supportive partner, even though I wish he would do some researching on his own. I wasn't diagnosed until a year into our relationship, and now he's a lot more accmodating to some things. I think I would have an impossible time beyond the initial stage when attraction can get you pretty far, but then you need something more stable to build on. I think as an NT-AS couple (thoughh he has social anxiety and also not great social skills) we have a lot of issues other couples don't even get. For example last night he wanted to leave at 11:13 and usually we talk till midnight and it led to me melting down because I wasn't expecting a change in schedule. That to me isn't subclinical.
I'm sure he's a very lucky guy.
He is and never had a girlfriend before nor ever had sex. He has even attempted suicide like serveral times before we met but someone always came home before he could do it. Now he is the happiest guy. I was lucky he never did it or else I would have never met him and had this baby.
I hope some people who are feeling depressed and suicidal can see this. Things do get better. This is evidence. I bet if somebody had told him "three years from now you will be a happy husband and father" he would have cursed them for lying. But here he is, living a life with you and that cute son in your avatar which he probably never thought was possible before he met you.
I'm not feeling depressed or suicidal, but all the same, it does inspire a degree of optimism. I am very happy for you and your husband, League_Girl.
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"A flower falls, even though we love it; and a weed grows, even though we do not love it."
We've been married for 37 years and dated throughout high school, so we've been best friends for about 40 years.
Long term? A neighbor couple was married for 75 years...
Romantic? I don't do the stuff that our consumer society claims is necessary to be romantic - the kind that takes money. But, we walk hand in hand whenever we're walking somewhere and ride a tandem bicycle together 3 or 4 days a week. And we spend almost every waking hour together, and always sleep together...
I can't find any boy-parts - nor any girl-parts either. But, I can find lots of man-parts.
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Those who wish to control their own lives and move beyond existence as mere clients and consumers- those people ride a bicycle.
- Wolfgang Sachs
I was just trying to be playful in how I worded the question, because a closely related question usually turns into a mean spirited discussion. I'm happy that didn't happen.
Sub-clinical means not needing or desiring medical intervention.
I kind of qualify as this at the moment, but I can tell you I have been at the clinical stage in some way or another throughout much of my life. Clinical stages do not last forever, they ultimately can go away as issues are resolved.
I will be honest, it has been my LTR which helped me heal some wounds I have, I have not had a meltdown in a YEAR. I used to melt down every couple of months. But I had therapy to help me identify and address the meltdowns.
Right now my issue is friendships. I have on occasion alienated friends with the meltdowns. I will live with that.
Sub-clinical means not needing or desiring medical intervention.
In regard to autism, "sub-clinical" usually means having autistic traits, but not enough to meet the clinical criteria for a diagnosis. In regard to other conditions, the definition can vary quite a bit, often denoting an early "stage".
My comment was meant as a joke, by the way.
You need an option for "I do not want a relationship".
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daydreamer84
Veteran
Joined: 8 Jul 2009
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,001
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TTRSage
Velociraptor
Joined: 30 Aug 2010
Age: 73
Gender: Male
Posts: 468
Location: Alone In My Aspie Cubbyhole
Female, 33, undiagnosed but absolutely sure AS.
I have been in my current relationship going on 3 years (this July). We live together. This is the first relationship where my obsessions are a benefit rather than a deficit. He gets just as obsessed with technology and video games as I do, and neither of us feel left out when the other spends hours on the computer or console. My interests vary a bit more than his, but it doesn't matter since we can entertain ourselves. Just being together in the same room is enough many days; we don't have to talk or entertain each other (I've been known, in the past, to not say a single word to anyone for days).
RELATIONSHIP ADVICE PLEASE:
For the aspies that claim they are in a long-term relationship with NTs, I'd like to ask you a few questions:
1) What did you do to successfully initiate the relationship? What did you do to socially attract your bf or gf?
2) What have you done to successfully maintain the relationship or prevent it from falling apart?
I am asking these questions because I want to initiate and successfully maintain a healthy relationship with a woman in the future. So please help me out fellow aspies.
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