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Bubbles137
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10 Mar 2011, 4:50 pm

Hi, just wanted to see if anyone else has found this? When I first try to make friends with someone, I end up wanting to spend too much time with them which I think annoys them. A few weeks ago, I started trying to be friendly at uni and go out with people I live with, but I think I overdid it a bit (it messed up my routine and I went out every night because I was scared people would think I was boring if I didn't, and didn't really sleep coz I was still getting up the same time I normally would), and ended up 'latching onto' one person in particular because it was easier than trying to spend time with lots of people. I think it annoyed him a bit though, but I couldn't tell and kept texting/emailing him to make sure he was still talking to me, which I think annoyed him more but at the time I was really worried he wasn't talking to me. I wasn't at uni last week and I texted him a couple of times but he didn't reply, and I don't think he's talking to me :(, he hasn't replied to any texts or emails in over a week. I don't know what to do because he seemed really nice and it was nice to have someone to talk to/spend time with at uni (I'd been starting to get a bit lonely), but I think I scared him off. Don't want to keep annoying him but wish he'd tell me if I'd been annoying him or not, I can't tell! It used to happen a lot with friends when I was at school, but I thought I'd got better at it by now :( apparently not! I really wish people would tell you when you're bugging them, would make things a lot easier!



hartzofspace
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10 Mar 2011, 9:04 pm

Most people will not tell you if you are bugging them. I have had numerous events like this happen, where people end up ignoring me because they knew of no graceful way to deal with it but this. I guess a suggestion would be to regulate how many times you phone, text or email someone. Say, twice a week? That way if they don't respond, you won't have bugged them too much, plus you gave them the benefit of the doubt. For example, I once met this cute guy at a meet-up. We seemed to hit it off, and I sent him an email asking how things were going. I didn't get a response from him right away, and was very tempted to keep writing. The more worried I got, the more overwhelming the urge to communicate grew. I didn't though. And he finally wrote back that he'd been out of town! He would have been very annoyed if I had kept writing him, I'm sure.


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11 Mar 2011, 2:38 pm

Yes, I apparently do this all the time and well...I need to stop and just back off a bit.
I have come to realise that me approching others is a bad idea most of the time.

Even in situations that are considered small everyday incidents, such as today for example, making " small talk" at the store.Well, it started out good Im sure, then about 1 minute into it I was all into overexplaining something and then I just stopped in my tracks and said " Oh, I have to go".
Wow,that must have looked funny.

I think its a combination of several things here.Its too much chasing after a friend,too much information shared etc and its hard to know whats appripriate, especially when worrying and not knowing whats up because someone isnt straight forward and communicating it.
Just like the above poster wrote, most people wont let you know and with incidents where you go after someone, keep calling and emailing, they may not tell you and its hard being on the other end and not knowing whats up and Im sure if you are aware of your problems, then you can add that to your self awareness BUT it clouds it up even more and makes it easy to blame oneself.

Sollution? Be upfront about it from the start.Let people know you arent a mindreader and you know what? those who are bothered by that arent good friends anyway.They should like you the way you are.



Bubbles137
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04 Aug 2012, 3:48 pm

Just reviving this thread to say thanks so much for the advice :) was in a similar situation recently with a different person and it was getting to the stage where she was avoiding me, I think because I was annoying her by talking too much and giving too much information, and I didn't know what to do. It went on for a few months and I got more worked up about it, so ended up following her round trying to talk to her which made things worse and in the end, I sent her a really honest email asking her to tell me if I was annoying her and explaining that I was finding it hard to know where I stood and if we were actually friends (and what it means to be friends), and for her to tell me if I was annoying her. She sent back a reply giving 'rules' and 'boundaries' for talking to her and about being friends which was really nice of her and really helpful. Also a MASSIVE relief that she doesn't seem to hate me. Hopefully it should work out OK... Thanks again for the advice, definitely helps to be upfront.



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04 Aug 2012, 6:49 pm

happens with me too
and now i stopped calling up people
i keep a distance from them


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Bubbles137
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05 Aug 2012, 12:47 pm

Have you tried talking to them directly and asking them what they think? I had a similar thing every time I tried to make friends, and this is the first time I've talked to the other person directly about it (even if it was through email) and I was really surprised how well she took it and how helpful she was with boundaries.



Bubbles137
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07 May 2013, 5:19 am

Reviving this thread again (sorry) but seem to be stuck in the same cycle with social relationships :(. Every time I try to make 'friends' with someone, they get really annoyed with me and stop talking to me, and it's really getting to me. I got on really well with a tutor at uni who doesn't teach me any more, and we met for coffee a couple of times last year (we have similar interests and I really look up to her). I think I might have annoyed her by mistake but have no idea how- I kind of idolised her because she's written books on topics I'm interested in and has run marathons (I'm obsessed with running atm and have been since a few months before I met her- that was the main reason I liked her in the first place), but now she won't reply to my emails and has deleted me as a friend on Facebook. I feel horrible and it really hurts, but I don't know what to do. I've been in this situation quite a few times before with friends, and I know that trying to contact them to find out what I've done is usually counter-productive and annoys them even more. Any advice? I feel really 'yucky' atm (I don't know what the feeling is but I get it a lot- it's like really intense vertigo and nausea, and I feel really shaky).



creepycupcake
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08 May 2013, 4:39 pm

Honestly this is the story of my life. I annoy everyone and I don't know that I'm doing it. Bloody hell I hate people.



Bubbles137
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11 May 2013, 2:26 am

creepycupcake wrote:
Honestly this is the story of my life. I annoy everyone and I don't know that I'm doing it. Bloody hell I hate people.


I don't hate people but I don't understand them and I wish I didn't always make them hate me! Not nice feeling horrible all the time because of it :(



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11 May 2013, 1:17 pm

Bubbles137 wrote:
creepycupcake wrote:
Honestly this is the story of my life. I annoy everyone and I don't know that I'm doing it. Bloody hell I hate people.


I don't hate people but I don't understand them and I wish I didn't always make them hate me! Not nice feeling horrible all the time because of it :(

It's the same with me! They loathe me and I don't know what I did to them... :?


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Bubbles137
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12 May 2013, 3:09 pm

hartzofspace wrote:
Bubbles137 wrote:
creepycupcake wrote:
Honestly this is the story of my life. I annoy everyone and I don't know that I'm doing it. Bloody hell I hate people.


I don't hate people but I don't understand them and I wish I didn't always make them hate me! Not nice feeling horrible all the time because of it :(

It's the same with me! They loathe me and I don't know what I did to them... :?


I spoke to someone about it the other night and she was surprisingly positive about it. She said that it's not always something you've done- a lot of the time, it's something to do with the other person or a situation you don't know about and it's best not to think about it. If you try to contact them too much, they really will get annoyed with you. She also said that she didn't think I was annoying (!? first person to say that I think!) and that you can be too aware of annoying people which can make it worse because you think about it too much. She was really nice and I got a lot from what she said, but now I'm confused. If you're not aware of it, you text/email etc too much and annoy people; if you are, you think about it too much and end up fixating on it which could annoy the other person- no win situation?



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12 May 2013, 5:54 pm

Like someone said earlier, the easiest thing to do, I would think, would be to monitor your texting/emailing/calls/etc to twice a week. In my opinion, that's not excessive enough to be annoying and it shouldn't leave the other person feeling smothered. That way you're allowing the other person room to have their own life and to initiate contact with you if they feel like talking or seeing you.

Good luck! :)



hartzofspace
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13 May 2013, 11:47 am

One thing I have discovered, is that NTs are perfectly capable of this behavior as well. I have had friends in the past, who would "smother" me with phone calls and invitations, and get really upset with me when I retreated. One woman kept calling me and leaving messages like, "Tell me what I did wrong!" Just because I didn't get back to her right away. :? :roll:


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Bubbles137
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13 May 2013, 3:54 pm

hartzofspace wrote:
One thing I have discovered, is that NTs are perfectly capable of this behavior as well. I have had friends in the past, who would "smother" me with phone calls and invitations, and get really upset with me when I retreated. One woman kept calling me and leaving messages like, "Tell me what I did wrong!" Just because I didn't get back to her right away. :? :roll:


I had a similar thing a while, where someone was texting/emailing me several times a day and I got a bit overwhelmed then she totally blanked me and I had no idea why. I think she might have wanted more than friendship though but she didn't say :/



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14 May 2013, 1:10 am

I've had issues with this. I can bug the heck out of people without realizing it, especially if I'm curious about them. On the flip side, when I don't get a response my first assumption is that they hate me and were just being polite. Once I pestered someone to the point where they told me "I want absolutely nothing to do with you." I took them at their word and unfriended them, because I thought I must have been beating a dead horse there.
If I discovered I misread the situation, I'd definitely refriend them and feel chagrined. Not out of the blue though because that might be construed as stalkerish or something. :?



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14 May 2013, 8:02 am

My social life in a few paragraphs........

I know what you are talking about o.o
That kind of rection like beeing too present or such is what made me chose isolation in the first place, it's tremendously frustrating if you keep looking at it from their perspective. Do only NTs have rights? Are they depositary of the utmost relational knowledge? Nope! First of all they themselves have issues relating to each other and sure they do not care as much as people in this post about doing the right thing. Do you think the guy in the first post was being good at social interaction? That he was being empathic? No!! ! YOU were! you put all your effort in understanding someone you can't relate with, you tried the way you can to fix things, the fact that he couldn't be "intelligent" enough to understand that you were trying and politely tell you "look, i'm sorry but it's not gonna work" makes him wrong and not you.

I have a very hard time with people because they do not care enough to be honest even with themselves most of the time. I ended up with a potentially dangerous decision about one year ago that seems to be working good "i'm not going to change who i am to suite others" am i too insisting? Do i call too much? Am i supposed to be less present?
I'm sorry, NO, i'm not going to calculate how much time should pass between a text message and a phone call, I'm not going to stop ranting about whatever is going through my head just because people may not keep up. Selfish? Well if I try to do all those things I will end up as I did in the past spending most of my day chewing my fingers looking at the phone beyond anxious and scanning each and every single word i have pronounced since the very first time i met the person (even friends) i would go crazy trying hard to see if i missed some double meaning, some word inbetween the lines, some sarcasm i should have understood. This is not life nor is it survival. I chose to be the way i am because i'd rather live my life entirely alone then keep feeling that constant failure feeling. Guess what? 5 months from that decision I met my b