confidence building. does this exist for autism?

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harry_j_83
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11 Mar 2011, 4:18 pm

i'd like to know if there are any confidence building classes or anything that might fit that description. to be more specific ways of becoming what one would call "sociable". I really crave a social life; its really horrible to not have anyone with whom to talk with.

My main problem is feeling agoraphobic when i'm in public. whereas i can talk to smaller groups of people pretty effortlessly and seamlessly, i suddenly become very clumsy and awkward when i'm in a larger group of people.

I'm frustrated as the people who are so called "experts" in the field of autism don't seam to have a clue of what i actually am like (regardless of AS or not). most people working in the NAS who have met me bear the misconception that i "can't read people's facial expressions" and all the rest. while i'll agree that this is true to some degree, its certainly not the thing which is causing me the most concern.

i need to find someone who knows exactly what my problems are and has some clue as to how to help me resolve my problems.

I am NOT looking for a quick fix. I hate people who tell me that! the only reason I am as "socially efficient" as I am is because I have worked, and worked and worked at my problems. And as much as I enjoy the challenges in life, I am exhausted and I really need someone to help me with my problems.

please, if anyone has any ideas, please let me know



AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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11 Mar 2011, 5:23 pm

Okay, three things that have helped me are political activism, sales jobs, and playing poker (in both Vegas and Atlantic City, which I recommend for the social skills but not as an attempt to make money).

And I think you're right, it's not like one big skill, it's like a lot of small and medium skills that add up. For example, at my local university where I'm taking one class, a professor who had been a visiting professor for one year in Egypt gave a talk. After the talk, getting a cookie and lemonade at the refreshment table, I asked someone 'So, what do you think?' I did it casually as I got my food without lag time and without a big build-up. We had an okay conversation.

In Las Vegas, and I seriously tried to supplement my income (I broke even at the poker itself which I take as a success), I tried to be attuned to whether the person was really perked up about their hand or whether they are woodenly making a move. That is, broad brush. The large scale emotional texture. So, if the person likes their hand . . . information to make a decision.

Difference between poker and real life, build a hand, everyone wins. It's a positive social interaction.

After poker, and I tried to just concentrate on the poker, I'd sometimes go over to the sports book (betting on sports, but also comfortable chairs and large screen TVs), and I might ask 'So, how's the game going.' About one time out of three, the person would be in a talkative mood and that's okay. Now, and I don't fully understand this, for example, this guy was a paramedic in Virginia, and we talked about medical shock and also his recent separation from his wife. It was a great conversation, but it kind of ran it's course. Now part might be that I don't share that much of my life, because a lot of my life is reading and writing. But after a while, I think stranger-to-stranger becomes (?) awkward. And 20 minutes to 40 minutes is a good approximate time.



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11 Mar 2011, 5:45 pm

I think the main barrier is anxiety, so I think a good thing to learn is a protocol for relaxation. There are many techniques you can use, have a google around. The main problem is remembering to utilise them.

Relaxation is a good habit to have for dealing with exhaustion too. The less you hold tension, the more spare energy.

This might not be an obvious suggestion, but Aikido is pretty great for numerous reasons. It's a martial art, but it teaches you relax, helps with confidence, and teaches one to bring mind and body into harmony. You could maybe try a class or two.


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Ai_Ling
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11 Mar 2011, 6:12 pm

harry_j_83 wrote:
i'd like to know if there are any confidence building classes or anything that might fit that description. to be more specific ways of becoming what one would call "sociable". I really crave a social life; its really horrible to not have anyone with whom to talk with.

My main problem is feeling agoraphobic when i'm in public. whereas i can talk to smaller groups of people pretty effortlessly and seamlessly, i suddenly become very clumsy and awkward when i'm in a larger group of people.


I apologize in advance that I do not have any ideas, I basically agree with 99% of this post. I would like to know if there is any of these types of classes as well. I think its really important for people with autism to build confidence just like any1 else, but there seems to be no emphasis on this. Its all about social skill training, mostly for kids. Yes I do experiance the same thing, talking 1 on 1 or in smaller groups is a lot easier but talking in large groups is much more difficult. This is because I find it hard to keep track of multiple social interactions at once, timing is super hard on me.

Quote:
most people working in the NAS who have met me bear the misconception that i "can't read people's facial expressions" and all the rest. while i'll agree that this is true to some degree, its certainly not the thing which is causing me the most concern.


yep same here...I can read peoples exhibited body language, I mostly read vocal cues(which I can read as well as an NT). But theres definetly more then just that...its hard to pinpoint often what the real problem is. It would be helpful if someone to truely help me decipher whats going on other then my constant obsessive self-reflections.

Quote:
i need to find someone who knows exactly what my problems are and has some clue as to how to help me resolve my problems.
I am NOT looking for a quick fix. I hate people who tell me that! the only reason I am as "socially efficient" as I am is because I have worked, and worked and worked at my problems. And as much as I enjoy the challenges in life, I am exhausted and I really need someone to help me with my problems.


Yeah same here...Ive worked so hard seriously...so I can blend in my peers now. Really there is no quick fix. yes it would be nice if someone could help me with my problems. Thats probably the job of a psych or a mentor. However finding 1 thats good for me extremely hard especially with my mom trying to constantly seek out the wrong demographic of who she might think is good for me. No mom...I do not need an local asian women who has a good understanding of shyness with female problems.



kfisherx
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11 Mar 2011, 6:14 pm

http://www.succeedsocially.com/

I think this is exactly what you want...



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11 Mar 2011, 7:10 pm

kfisherx wrote:
http://www.succeedsocially.com/

I think this is exactly what you want...


If those are the sort of resources we're looking at, I found this site to be excellent.

http://www.peopleskillsdecoded.com/


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harry_j_83
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12 Mar 2011, 5:46 am

thanks for the positive and informative replies that eeryone has given me. unfrotunately i can't some conversational skills in vegas as i'm about eight time-zones east but it was an interesting take on the whole things. anyhow i don't do the whole gambling thing as i'm terrified of getting too into it and losing money.

kfisherks and moog, thanks for your links, i have looked at a few of tem ad they sound perfectly reasonable



harry_j_83
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12 Mar 2011, 8:34 am

to ai ling...

thanks for making the comparisons that you did, it was really helpful. i think i have the same problem i that even my close family has a problem understanding what my problems are (even though they've known me all my life). and this really poses the question of whether autism is genetic or not.

i hope you can truly share these issues with friends of yours. i'd be interested to hear anything exra you have to say on the problem of lackin-in-confidence. do you find that any aspects have changed positively over time?... would you say there are concrete strategies to pursue?... which situations have been most beneficial in building up your "social strengths" as-it-were?...

these are all very pertinent questions to me!



kruger4
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12 Mar 2011, 10:19 am

If you want to get confidence maybe you should start working out?



so_subtly_strange
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12 Mar 2011, 1:36 pm

I will share what has worked for me. Rather than confidence, at least in a social context, i would say its more important to find a way to be comfortable with your pecularities. I can have confidence in my knowledge of things that interest me, but it just doesnt fit to apply confidence to my ability to assert myself socially. I think it has accomplished more for me to accept that than try to do something that i quite literally cant. Also you need to find the right group of people who are more flexible with their ideas of socialization. For me this happened when i fell in with the 'goths' at high school, which was long before i knew what aspergers was. But i found it much less anxious to be around these people, their social qualifications were less complex. So mainly what im trying to say is it probably wont work out well to try to socialize with the socialites, just try find people who you have some common interests with to be comfortable being around.



ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo
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12 Mar 2011, 1:41 pm

What about assertiveness training classes? Martial arts, mental discipline and assertiveness training might raise confidence levels.



emuman100
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12 Mar 2011, 8:47 pm

I have yet to find any way to "increase confidence", as really what that means is to reduce anxiety. How do you reduce anxiety? There is no clear answer. No nerotypical has ever gave me any useful advice, and there really isn't. When you have AS, you feel anxiety, no matter what people say, there is no way to help the anxiety other than reduce it. Sometimes if you fource yourself in a situation you become more familiar with it, which can reduce anxiety. Another way to to look at it from a different perspective as such it doesn't cause you anxiety. These things are easier said than done and only help minimally. Other than compounds to change your brain chemistry, I don't know what else to do myself.



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05 May 2011, 4:15 pm

I don't think going to social classes or clubs or anything like that would do me any good. I've done these sorts of things before, and each time I did everybody there seemed to know at least someone else, and so sat talking to them, and I had the odd conversation with a few people there but they just seemed more like acquaintances. Nobody really wanted to know outside of the club, so I gave up in the end, and found that I seemed to make friends more better ever since I started my volunteer job. I'm like an NT there - friends come when I least expect it, then I end up falling into a good friendship - whereas if you push yourself too hard, it seems harder to build friendships. Other times it can be pot luck aswell.

But anyway, I think the best part of building confidence for me is having a really good friend to go out and about with, then meeting others along the way, rather than all at once. I think going out for coffee or just going shopping for a few hours with one other person goes me good, because I can get to know them one to one, which is nice. Then say if one day another person came along, and because I already know the first person, I already have some social confidence, so I can get to know this other person aswell, and so on. Then before I know it I will have a nice circle of friends. (So long as they like being my friend, and not feel forced). Especially if they share things in common with me, and it doesn't always have to be interests. It can be that we get anxious of the same sort of things, or stuff like that.

That's a great way of building confidence, because it comes more naturally aswell. It's no good me looking up on the internet for stuff like this, because it either says about helping children with confidence anxieties, or stuff what doesn't really apply to me. I find it better if I can talk to a professional, who can give me personal tips and advice, because we all have different confidence issues. I have a big anxiety of going out in the street alone because I keep thinking everyone's looking at me and thinking I'm ''weird'' when all I'm doing is being normal like everyone else, and wearing fashionable, feminine clothes, ect. It upsets me because it makes me wonder if I'm ugly or if I'm stupid or if I'm fat or big or whatever. The anxiety has gotten so big that it's become a problem, and I know that it will soon turn into Agoraphobia. It's easily said to just ignore them, because I could do that, but there will still be a part of me what does care, and the more I ignore it, the more I will flare up one day about it when I'm in a bad mood or something.
And the trouble is, I can't find this anywhere on Google about anxieties of people staring at me for no reason when I'm alone in public. I know people will just probably say to me, ''ohh you wouldn't find it on the internet because no-one worries about it and it's not the sort of thing to worry about!'' But that's no good because there are lots of people out there who get phobic of being stared at, especially if they don't do anything out of the ordinary and just act normal, and it can become a common issue.


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