Being Attracted to Older/Younger People

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I wouldn't go that far. I see beautiful women that look way better than some people 10 years younger.

I don't agree with your conclusion either. That's assuming all people are utterly shallow.

Most people, not all.

I think I have morphed to that too. Its as if I was annoyed that I got so little response from my age and older and thus I dismiss them, and besides its like they had their chance and I want someone who has had years of experience and I think this would be a huge psychological age gap anyway since if there is any truth to as old as you feel I feel in the younger age range and its in part due to the inadequate experiences I have had.

I'm drawn to older guys as well. Even to the point that I think that all men reach their peak of physical attractiveness in their 40's-50's. Although I think maturity and wisdom are the main important factors. I wouldn't mind at all marrying a younger man.
Louisa

actually, I disagree.

Most men look just as bad as they get older as women. If you're trying to compliment yourself, it didn't work.

Grow up a bit.

40 billion years ~ that's OLD.

There is very little difference between 4 and 40 or 80.

We are all born new on the planet and we die before we have barely got the wrapper off.

In other words ~ It's all relative.

The two long-term relationships I’ve had were with older women. Granted, they were only one and two years older than I, but at my young age at the time, those minute age differences seemed to matter. I remember feeling smug about being a twenty-three year old with a twenty-five year old girlfriend. “An older woman and she loves me!” Looking back now, at the age of thirty-six, I wonder why such small age differences mattered.

Seeing as I am not in the same life position as most women my age, I believe I would have a better chance at a successful relationship with a woman who is in the age range of twenty-five to thirty years. My concern about a relationship with someone of a similar age to me would be that person lacking youthful vitality. I am certainly unlike most men my age. I lead a very active life, have plenty of free time, and my libido has only increased with age. While I am definitely interested in finding a mate, I have no desire for woman my age who is a chronically fatigued, career centered person with a ticking biological clock.

Alas, if I could find just one woman who sees my perpetual adolescence as a virtue!

Ditto. I've also seen some grown kids as well as girls who were 18 or 19 and steel-solid adults. I think once your passed the basic requirements of society, the maturity level that a person ever ends up reaching has more to do with who they are, what they want out of themselves, and what they feel they need out of society. Other people who don't feel that drive could be in their 60's or 70's and still have never reached the height of maturity that some 20-somethings have. Yeah, they ahve more experience but that tends to be a poor replacement for pushing yourself, being tough, and being driven with a higher above-the-crowd purpose of some type.

Ha! Now here is one to shock you all.
I am a 58 year old female NT who has just ended a seven year solid relationship with a 34 year old male Aspie.
Whoa! I know what you are thinking... but don't. Think of Goldie Hawn 58, not Aunt Bea. Not that I am as fantastic as GH., I don't have her bucks for enhancement, but I have great genes on every level and have had no problem attracting men ever, including now. I have always related well with people of all ages, my problem is an overabundance of empathy and a need to heal the world, thus I end up Florence Nightingale of romance.
One day by wierd chance I spied a personal ad, man 27 looking for woman 35-55, with very nice sane ( other than the age) wording, not the usual bs you see in personal ads. Out of curiousity I called and grilled him about his choice and we ended up in a 2 hr conversation. Like many Aspies he was intellegent, very articulate and had seemingly rather mature reasoning and understanding, while at the same time a somewhat refreshing sort of naivety. From the beginning I was very frank with him and told him I was not going to use him as a plaything for my ego, I was looking for a long term permanent relationship. He said he was too and that he definately was not interested in having children ever, his business was his children.
Over time we bonded nicely by phone, so when we met I thought his extreme eye blinking and throat clearing was just temporary nerves from first meeting. I was uncomfortable with the age difference, but he wasn't bothered at all, was extremely attracted, attentive and was proud to let everyone know I was his lady.
Once upon reaching the intimate level he broke down and weepingly poured out his heart to me his difficulties in connecting, that he was a semi virgin til then ( only once before with a paid professional), and all the indignities and disappointments he suffered thru in his life. My heart went out to him totally then, I just wanted to protect him and help him realize the life that he yearned for. I thought to myself, everyone has baggage of some sort, men my age think they are God's gift to themselves and everyone else, at least it's refreshing to have someone the opposite.
Over more time, after numerous public embarassments, strange behavior patterns, and contrary elements that all of you must be rather farmiliar with in some sort of way without mentioning in detail, I begain to wonder what I really got myself into. But throwing in the towel made me cringe at the thought of creating another terrible hurt for him to suffer. He was a very kind, gentle and sensitive person who obviously had problems that seemed somehow a glitch rather than purposeful, and was unhappy and beating himself up about it.
At this point, I suspected he might have Tourette's. I did research, finding a copy of the Am Psych Diagnostic Manual. He fit all of the criteria, but still there was something more... Wading around in the manual was fascinating, I was always interested in what makes people tick. Then later, reading on again I came across Asperger's and my jaw dropped! He is a textbook example. It was a great relief and help to have a handle on it,but I was wondering if and how to broach it with him. I knew it could be either good or bad depending on how to do it correctly. Then I found this web site and managed to just sneak in and got to a forum where you were all dicussing with someone new just that. After 7 years I'm very close with his family, his mom and dad love me and are always telling me that I am wonderful for him, that he has bloomed and become a new person because of me. So considering that his mother is a top professional in the field of Special Ed, I presented my findings to her and she agreed. She said she had the same reaction when she first got the info. However she says she thinks he is mild, not "full blown". I think she is ostriching. I think you either are or you aren't and degree is not as important as how you deal with it, just like everything else in life. I'm a real half full glass sort of a person; understand best you can, do the best that you can, and accomodate and don't browbeat what you can't and don't worry about what people think, as long as you don't hurt anyone. Anyway, we both agreed that it would be best for her to approach it to him. Only problem is, she never did. She just kept putting it off, her method in which she approached his entire upbringing.
Well, that would have been alright if everything hadn't suddenly come to a head. After 7 years of my total love, care and nurturing, he now has great confidence in himself. Last November he went to his high school reunion and hit it off with a girl that wouldn't give him the time of day back then. They not only had great conversation, she was coming on to him. He comes home that night and happily tells me all about it and says maybe he would like to try her out. I of course say over my dead body not if you want to stay with me. He backs off, not understanding what was wrong with the idea. I say people and relationships are not like things, like your collections that you just aquire because you want them, play with them a while and then put them on a shelf when you see something else and expect them to be there if you need them aqain. He got upset and reassured me that he loves me and didn't want to lose me, and anyway, she smokes and smoke is one of his extreme sensitivities.
Time goes by back to normal, I think, then after some time I am aware of a slight gradual cooling on his side. He claims it is nothing, just stressed out over his business. Then he starts using his business as an excuse that he can't spend as much time with me. (We have separate residences, both of us work out of ) I don't buy it to the extent that he is pushing it.
Finally he admits to me that he was thinking that he would like to try more experiences, and see if he would like someone closer in age ( previously he would rant about how he hated girls his age) So he went on Match.com and met someone who he was already seeing...frequently. He swears that they haven't been intimate as yet because he doesn't want to hurt me or lose me. Of course I was upset and ranted, and said he had to make up his mind and choose either her or me. He wept and pleaded and swore he still loved me alot and couldn't decide. I said if it wasn't obvious, then it should be obvious.
At the time of the reunion incident I pleaded with his mother to tell him about AS, as it's a difficult jungle out there for NT's to wade thru without being distroyed in the process. Trolling the dating field is harsh and everyone except narcissistic Peter Pans hate it. He has a naive fantasy of his situation and will get blown apart by the mine field. At least he should have a flack jacket of awareness of his true situation.
His mother still was ostriching. I racked my brain analysing, was I going to do this for him, or really for me? I felt tremendous hurt, anger and loss. Betrayed at the deepest level. I had felt safe,secure and loved, and the person I trusted totally had done all of this sneaking behind my back and lying to me. It was like being in a beautiful garden and suddenly getting hit on the head with a giant boulder. The most ironic and hurtful thing is because of me he has reached this level of being able to do this to me. Seven years ago before he met me he never could even dream of it. He was chocked up to his neck full of anger, hate, hurt, and immense self loathing.
Still, when I thought of what is bound to come of all this for him I still love him and it hurts me to think how he will be hurt.
So I told him as best as I could. He took it very well initially, of course he always knew his special problems and that he was different. I tried gently but firmly to explain how it was related to his not being able to see the forest for the trees, but of course having his nose right up to the bark he probably thought I was barking. I told him about this site and others and about all of you guys and how nice it is that you have each other to sound things out and understand the big picture. He has been on several times. His initial reaction, especially after talking to his mom and her take on it has changed to her view that sure he has SOME traits, but not all THAT bad and I'm just overblowing it. Trust me, after seven intense years on the most intimate levels I know him better than anyone, including his mother, professional or not.
The bottom line is that after weeks of drag out painful and emotional disussions, I told him yesterday that I can't take it any longer, he no longer has to make a decision. I have decided for him that it truly is over. I have to get on with my life now, I tried my best, now whatever comes his way he deserves it.

Hmmmmm? Let's see??? My 1/2 Sister Kristen,
and from what I was told married and divorced
a 45 male! She was around 30, he was 45.

I was 24 and she was 37, I was 34 and she was
48 in the end of the relationship. I finally got my
stuff back 2 years later(took a long time and came
in a unaddressed to sender package.) HmmmmmM?
Fascinating!

So a older person relationship isn't unknown to me.



Hmmmmmm? It is hollywood and it's makeup artist. and a
bust tuck helped too! Every see her in the tabloids in
the "as they really look page", Hollywood is good
at making youth look eternal, but then you have the
"Pertnally young Justin Hayward of the Moody Blues,
and of course the mummified and still walking (well
preserved young) Dick Clark at 76. Hmmmmmm?
Makes you wonder!



Sounds like my 10 year relationship. She was a lawyer
and every "I need help and you have good empathy"
client was attracted to her. She eventually retired as
a lawyer and now is inspiring young people as she
would of wanted to be inspired when she was younger
and in highschool!



Hmmmm? I always wondered how false those personal ads
realy were?



Yep! You hit it on the nail! Odd-relationship NT's are
attracted to Aspie/HFA types because of this nievity.

Even the more experienced ones have this perternal
youth of nievity. I being HFA, have gone through
the gay and straight sects of nievity, and can only
say that my nievity is only matched by my intuitive
intellect to master a situation, though it comes off
a bit juvenile to the female of 30-40.

By 30 the male is suppose to have this home and car
and "support" you attitude. and Oh! Ken is how they
are suppose to be in appearance! RIGHTTTTT!
UH-UH! NOPE! Nievity comes from within and that
is the charm of aspies and HFA's who sexually express
fire in the lack of external expression that is expected
in a NT male. All his fire is in his car, not his heart.



Good objective to strive for!



This was the foundation in my 10 year relationship. She has
done that, seen this, and hmmmmmm? Nice tasty empathy
fire seeks firey person of desire. It eventually became
a genuine relationship!~Ooops and 10 years later.



Of course not! It is easier to talk to one of your own kind,
or a older-seeking fire NT. Sex comes later because it doesn't see
barriers!



True! Intimacy is difficult if you can't express it, nor
have the strength to approach the opportunity.



A "Sex Therapist" is a bonafied profession. In the holistic
trade it is a licensed councelor who teaches sexual edicate.

And then there is the hooker.

Which one?



Isn't nievity great! The fire it contains is potent,
not...arrogant. It's sincereity flows freely.
"I am pist" flow is intense.
"I am happy" flow is Wooow! to the other partner
(just my opinion)
"I am in the void" energy is mystically unusual.

Only once during sex magic did I see myself through
her and actually saw my aura sense others feel.

It was like a void, infinite and always refreshed,
I believe this is where the sexual-autism fire comes
from, and NT are sometimes to attached to there
things they own and don't seem to possess this
fire of "within".



I can relate, this is probly what she was thinking,
but if you play with matches you probly enjoy it's
fire, but not always. Too much of anything is bad.



I can see this! I am my worst enemy! and Beating myself
up is soooo!! easy!



But remember there is also HFA, and PDD-NOS, so let's not
be hasty in pickiing words! Anyways go on....This is refreshiing
and intriguing!



Discussing what?



My grandmother didn't know about this other person, but
except that she was a lawyer and has done legal things
for my Grandmother.

One of my favorite lines was "Your not just the family lawyer,
(during those 10 years) you have experienced the family genes"

Chuckle! AND .....I meant it!



Hmmmmmm? slight dramatic pause.....!

In my opinion, most parents ostrich in one way
or another. Do you have kids? If so, then
you have probly done this too!



this relates to sexual, non-sexual, and work
relationships. The Autistic person is too!
sincere and easily vulnerable as I have
recently found out in Reno and known
most of my life. And this is why I need
to be careful in my next job selection.



Ok.....! and.....

[qutoe="friend"]
Only problem is, she never did. She just kept putting it
off, her method in which she approached his entire upbringing.
[/quote]

Ostrichitis at it's parenting level!



Hmmmmm?

I was put in a opposite position. She needed time
for her dreams and goals after nuturing others.
She was suppose to meet me near bart, and never
showed up. After numerous calls to her, I got my
stuff back after 2 years of silence.



I, in this reverse scenerio, wouldn't want anything to do
with her now. I was deeply hurt and didn't express
my sexuality for 5 years. Deeply wounded I retreated
into my darkness. It wasn't until WrongPlanet was I able
to discuss this. Thus thanks "friend" and WrongPlanet.



The hardest part is that it doesn't really heal. A sincere,
relationship cuts deeper than "Oooh! Baby! Oh!'ism".

Sincerely,
Ghosthunter

P.S....I say thankyou for letting me open up this wound of
silence. It may be deep, but it had to be expressed.

Age matters not; as long as she's not jailbait or a walking corpse, I'm ok.

Hey friend,
I have a few thoughts on your experience with having your relationship with an aspie fall apart the way it has. You might want to read my posts on the "Aspies in a successful relationship" thread.

One of my experiences in life has been that normal developmental experiences, that happen all on their own at a pre-set age for NTs, may not occur in aspies until some experience triggers it. I know it seems strange that things that should be instinctive need to be explained to some of us before we "get it", but that's really the way it works. Personally, I find that I am a very caring and empathetic person, but only for situations where I have some personal, first hand experience so that I actually KNOW what the other person is feeling. I can seem rather cold when trying to relate to someone who is experiencing somethat that I am not familiar with. And there are some things that, even with repeated exposure, I don't think I will ever get. One example is sports. I have spent my life surrounded by other men who love sports and love to cheer for their favorite teams, and I don't think I will EVER understand the appeal of vicarious experience that men get while they watch somebody else play a game. This is such a basic instinctive pattern in most men that it is considered the common language of male bonding, but for me it is total nonsense. Watching someone else play a game is about as exciting as watching paint dry.

I also have the same kind of "mind-blindness" in my understanding and attitudes about certain relationship patterns. Exclusive, monogamous relationship are really quite a mystery to me. I understand the practical reasons for pairing up with a single partner to build a life together, but I don't understand the emotional aspect of expecting someone to only want to be with me, and not ever want to be with anyone else. That expectation seems completely unreasonable to me, and even though there may be very good practical reasons for exclusivity, I will always see it as a compromise. I have held this view since I first began thinking about such things at the age of 10 or so. A big part of it is the fact that I seems to have little or no sense of what most adult experience in romantic love.

I certainly understand the wonder and joy of loving someone, like the way I love my kids and would do anything to take care of them. I extend that same kind to loving devotion to many of their friends who have less-than-supportive parents. And I am fiercely devoted to my wife as my closest friend. But I still don't really get the concept adult romance and the expectation that "falling in love" with one person would imply not developing a similar attachment to anyone else. It also seems unreasonable to me that one person's love for another would NOT include wanting their partner to experience all the joy and wonder that life has to offer; much of this joy and wonder is found in exploring relationships with a variety of different people, and for someone who has just recently acquired the skills to do this exploration, it could actually feel cruel and controlling to try to deny them these experiences.

I managed to reach the ripe old age of 39 having only had one serious relationship (with my wife, who I married at 21). I was still a virgin when we got married, and I had never kissed anyone other than my wife. I had only held hands with 2 or 3 other girls, and one of those was a situation that I was sort dragged into it with realizing what was going on. The point is that I was well into adulthood and still had the overwhelming sense that I didn't have the skills or experience to initiate a relationship. The fact that I was already married and didn't NEED to be initiating any new romances was irrelevant (from my point of view) because the real issue was that I felt incomplete. To illustrate it rather graphically, imagine a man who has fathered a coupled of kids and doesn't want anymore, and then is told that the "treatment" to prevent further pregnancies is to amputate his penis, since he won't be needing it anymore. He argues that a vasectomy would do the trick, leaving other vital parts intact, but society responds that the other parts are NOT vital because he has already fathered all the children he wanted. To bring this analogy full circle, exercising one's skills in pursuing relationships is not just for the purpose of finding a partner - the process is also an exercise is self-exploration and emotional development. Your friend is trying to satisfy his longing for emotional completeness that has been beyond his reach up until now.

Based on my experience and your description, I would say that your aspie (ex?)boyfriend is finally arriving at a stage of emotional development that most guys hit at about age 20. But the skills and understanding to get there didn't come naturally; he needed someone like you to act as a mentor and a catalyst to trigger his insight and emotional growth. And now that he has caught on to the process of developing romantic relationship, he has a lot of catching up to do. There is still so much to explore, and he is standing at the entrance to the carnival trying to decide which ride to go on first. Most importantly, he probably does NOT see how this is affecting you. He has no experience with that yet. He has never been in a position of control in a relationship where he had the option to tell someone he wants to move on now. And I would guess that dumping you (or the thought that dating other people would require him to dump you) is not even on his mind at this point. He wants your support as a friend in exploring the new wonderland of romance that you just opened up for him. If you stay friends and agree to assist him in this new phase of his life, you will probably find him coming to you for advice, and needing a shoulder to cry on when he falls flat on his face (which will most certainly happen several times).

It is very important for you to realize that he doesn't understand what romance means to you. I've been married for 20 years and the concept is still quite fuzzy to me. In case you didn't read my other post yet, my wife and I have been in an open relationship for a little over 2 years now, and I am experiencing exactly what I'm describing here. The "kid in the candy shop" feeling wore off pretty quickly when I realized just how hopelessly clueless I am about mainstream NT romance. I am now the kid walking away from the candy shop because I realize I have no money. I found out that step one is NOT buying the candy you want, it's getting a job to earn the money. But I couldn't learn this by having someone explain it to me, I had to experience it for myself and THEN get the explanation. I have managed to gain a little more romantic experience in the past 2 years, but it was almost as terrifying as it was exciting.

The question for you at this point is - are you willing to continue to support your friend AS A FRIEND, realizing that he probably doesn't understand how this all feels to you? For your own sake you may have to insist on a change of rules and expectations in your relationship with him. But please try to explain to him how all of this feels to you. From what you have described about the situation, I think he was fully expecting you to support him in his further adventures because that's the sort of thing that friends do for each other. The fact that romance and friendship are two VERY different categories in the NT world is something that you probably need to explain to him in detail, with examples. Drawing analogies between the things you are trying to explain and things that he already has personal experience with is very important. And PLEASE try to create an environment where he feels safe expressing his own feelings and perceptions, no matter how bizarre and even idiotic they seem to you. As I said, you may need to pull back in some ways for your own protection from emotional injury, but staying with him as a friend and mentor may very well be one of the most rewarding experiences of your life.

Good luck.

Brian

THANKYOU,THANKYOU Brian!

Reading your reply was wonderful and insightful, and I think you must have hit the nail right on the head! Isn't this site grand! I only wish this opportunity and knowledge would have happened earlier, before all the poop hit the fan. It would have helped on every level.

Your explaination of the AS/NT glitch in what you refer to the Romance department clarified a lot. However, I don't think I can deal with an "open relationship" the way that you and your wife have. You have your similar age and your children to be the binding safety net for your relationship.

Just those NT characteristics that Aspies can't understand are super strong in me. The holistic mind, body, soul total merging, combined with an extreme loyalty and devotion ethic. Sexuality is on a sacred cosmic level with me, so the only anology I could give to compare for understanding is that Aspies are Hindus and I'm a Sufi.

Then there are my own personal hangups and needs that are only a direct result of my life experience. I spent 22 years of my life married to a BPD
( Borderline Personality Disorder partner...that old Florence Nightingale thing), so all of that time was spent walking on eggshells in turtle pose, not knowing what to expect moment to moment from a volitile, verbally abusive and sometimes violent maniac. He could go from being a charming jokester to screaming and ripping your clothes off and hair out in front of everyone in an instant. I had to end up taking my kids with just the clothes on our backs. and running to God knows where and what. After years of struggle I am now deep into my middle years, about to be totally empty nested, and just want a kind and gentle partner, lover and friend to spend the rest of my life with in a totally secure relationship. So you see, compared to what I had to deal with before, dealing with even the hardest Aspiness is a piece of cake, once you have the knowledge and information to work with. Up until the point of "open relationship." My remaining store of altruism is too depleated at this point. I am not capable, after what we've had, of detatching myself and just being "friends". to watch him having affairs with other women. I can't wait to see if he will eventually decide that he does want to just be with me....what if he doesn't? Then where am I?
My big fear is that I eventually end up with someone I just settle on in the end, and then he ends up eventually hurt and alone.

I'm so glad I could be of help. After I posted my reply I was thinking about your situation and the fact that, as you have stated, you may be in a situation where an open relationship or even a continuing friendship would simply be impossible. I think it's a matter of experience and personality and cirsumstances. And you're absolutely right that with my wife, it we did not have the kids together we almost certainly would have split up a few years ago. I'm glad we didn't because we have both learned so much about ourselves and our kids in the process.

As far as "settling" for what you can find later in life, I have seen at least one VERY happy ending. There is an older woman who has "adopted" us (she used to be Mormon, as my wife and I were both raised, and took us into her heart when we moved from Utah to Colorado after leaving the church 7 years ago). Her first husband was an abusive creep, and when she finally left him her young adult children were already rather alienated from her and had moved to other parts of the country. Her second husband was a wonderful, kind man, but when we met them he had just been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She eventually found a very good care facility for him and moved to a new city to be near him, even though he didn't know her anymore, and got divorced with the hope of someday getting on with her life. (She still visits him several times a week and has arranged finanaces for his care, but since a relationship is no longer possible, she didn't want to stay legally married.) Soon after that, when she was about 66 years old, she met a wonderful man who had just lost his wife to Alzheimer's. They fell madly in love and were married a few months later. Her current husband must be the sweetest, kindest human being who has ever lived, and she is happier than she has ever been in her life. And one of her kids moved back from the other end of the country to be near her, so now she has grandkids in town. In a way, her current situation seems like a reward for a life filled with caring for others, even though it was not always appreciated. In can all work out in the end, and I certainly hope that it does for you.

Brian

Brian,

I just got through reading on the other thread about you and your wife's experiences with a therapist, what a hoot! I always thought that therapists in general are a crock. They are so hung up on their book methods and theories without practical experience. It 's like male allopathic doctors delivering babies. She/he should pay your wife for teaching time! I think things like this site are what is needed.
Why doesn't your wife add her observations and viewpoints? It seems I'm the only NT involved at least now, but it's a learning process on both sides, and she has 20 years experience and obvious great effort and love. I personally would like to know how she mentally and emotionally handles the open relationship issues. It is so adverse to the standard NT mindset.

I don't know if there is any more hope for our relationship anymore. We've talked endlessly about it and just go in circles. You said to explain to him in anologies the different mindsets between AS/NT which are clashing. Sometimes he is recetive and sometimes he says he is not Aspie, he just has Aspie traits. Does that make sense or what? I just don't know what to do anymore, it's like running repeatiatly up into a wall. I feel like the crash dummy to his 7 year experiment.

I prefer to date older men because they know what they want in life (well moreso), they're generally more mature and they love you (not just say it).

My relationships:

1st: a couple of months younger
2nd: 4 years older
3rd: 2 years older
4th: 3 years older
5th: two months older
6th: 6 years older
7th: 10 years older
8th: 2 years 5 month older (the one I'm dating now)