Sorry for this long post - need advice on aspie friend

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mpietroad
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20 Jul 2006, 4:23 pm

I'm not aspie. And I couldn't seem to post here without becoming a member. I kind of feel deceiving about doing this. But I am in desperate need of some advice on dealing with a fellow aspie friend. I have a learning disability, so I won't say I'm normal. I am not aspie though. I go to the same private learning-difficulties school as my aspie friend who is also in my class. I believe HIS PARENTS are at the sole root of some of the severe problems he faces. I have reasons to explain this. That's why this post has to be long.

He has been my friend for the past two years and still is. I have been over his house many times and have gotten to know both his parents. I however just was told not to come over anymore. His moron father told my mother to keep me away saying I was responsible for his acting out. His father ends up persuading my mother to believe THIS BS and tells her that his moods are different after I leave, like his father told my mother that he acts immature when I leave, all sorts OF CRAP like that. I imagine his father is CAUSING ALL OF THIS. I have known his father and mother for quite some time, and I have NEVER approved of them. In my opinion, they do NOT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE a child with difficulties. He is 15 years old, and I am 17. Teachers at school even say I am quite a good role model for him and all, and Mrs. Kanel told me she was shocked by his parents' ideas. I can understand why, sort of. His parents ARE VERY CONVINCING, but his father is a baffoon, extremely blunt and a very cold and uncaring person when not in a discussion with someone else. His mother sticks up for his father and is very high-strung and emotional.

To say that his parents do not care about him would be an understatement. They do care in their own way, but they continuously bemoan things he does and pressure him to act normal like everyone else. Apparently they have spent thousands of dollars on treatment programs and therapies for their son. His parents say none of this has ever worked. But I think it's because his FATHER has an aversion to therapy in general and refuses to medicate him. He has episodes of INCREDIBLE RAGE that would have to be seen to be believed and refuses to medicate him saying he needs to control it and all else. I saw one of these episodes personally, and I got into the middle of the discussion having been at the house, and I was told not to come over anymore after that.

They were at a discussion at the table. I was there. His father started talking about some of his behaviors, even with me around, and how he needs to learn self control and all. All went well until his mother pitched in. She didn't agree with her husband, and her husband turns around and tells her bluntly, why do you always stick up for him? Then, the son starts screaming at his father, accusing him of starting s**t with his mother. His mother then tries to calm him down and his father keeps on going. Before I knew it, my friend(!) turned around and slammed his fist into my side. I yelled, cause it hurt, and then his father told me to leave. I then refused and called him a jerk. All hell broke loose, and eventually things started flying off the table. I then got out of there, and ran home crying to my mother. I told my mother what happened and she thought I over reacted - how do you tell somebody that your friend punched me and started throwing food around the kitchen? I didn't know how. But I told my mother. She called up his parents and they persuaded her that I was the f*****g problem.

He has always told me his father was a JERK, and I did not know what to think. The teachers at school think his parents including his father as WONDERFUL and VERY CARING. That was not the impression I got at all. His father is an INSENSITIVE ass who has told of how great his mother was and is a f*****g CONTROL FREAK. He bemeans his mother right in front of his son. His son appears to be very protective over his mother, protecting her against all sort of perceived insults by his father.

I have been told by my aspie friend that when younger his father literally tried to make him eat food that he didn't like. His father refused to acknowledge his sensory issues with taste and said that he eats what is put in front of him. He started throwing food at his parents and threatened to burn the house down and all sorts of things. This apparently used to go on all the time when he was 11 and 12. I have always asked him why is he so happy when he described getting revenge? I started to understand why.

The thing is, I want to try to get him away from his parents as much as possible. I talk with my mother and she tells me I am too involving myself in other business. His parents DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THEIR ASPIE SON. I express my concerns now with teachers and they seem to be getting some message but still insist on solving the problems with his parents around. He has very few friends. I and another kid are his only friends. But I am very close to him. I guess I feel for what he's going through.

He has shown some concerns at school too. He does what he is told for the most part but will say things that anger some. He seems to have gotten a very dark and sick sense of humor and is preoccupied with revenge. He doesn't always show it but makes hints at it, through his school work. He also walks around and tries to bring attention to himself, dressing bizarrely and saying he is gay and all. Honestly, I think this kid is asking for help and does not know how to do it. His parents always seem to get in his way, and his father HATES COUNSELING but says that if his son asks he won't stop him. When his son asks his father then he starts asking why. If his mother sticks up for him, his father has a f*****g fit. His behavior is getting worse and I am scared he may do something he regrets.

What should I do?



AaronAgassi
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20 Jul 2006, 7:51 pm

Wouldn't it be great to plant video surveillance and catch the dad acting out on his son your friend? And would any of the teachers who praise you actually dare stick up for you? Is there anyone with the balls for some sort of intervention? I suppose the diplomatic approach might be for the principle would be to sell them on what would be presented to them some package of training in coping with problem children, in a manner sympathetic to their difficulties, and very careful not to come out and criticize their short comings. Perhaps family therapy is broadly indicated here. And if any of that doesn't work, wouldn't it be satisfying to just blast the nitwits with both barrels! -so to speak.. Maybe even call in child welfare, if possible.

But I must express my own standing skepticism toward psychiatric medication. Especially just to make your friend more quietly tolerate abusive conditions! It would be a thousand times better simply to legitimize and to fully address his perfectly valid concerns.

And advise your friend that when he asks for therapy and for whatever reason finds himself however uncomfortable being asked why, simply to answer calmly and politely that privacy is somewhat crucial to the entire point of therapy, obviated by just such prying interrogation. Then to drive home the point, jocularly inquire as to what either of his parents might last have confided to their father confessor! -literally or figuratively speaking...


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Last edited by AaronAgassi on 20 Jul 2006, 7:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Shivani
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20 Jul 2006, 7:51 pm

Hello there,
You don't strictly have to have AS to use this site. I'm a parent of an AS son, and as a friend of someone with AS, I think you have a right to be here! 8O
This situation sounds ghastly. To be living in a house that is so highly charged emotionally would be extremely stressful for anyone, but especially someone with AS. However, it does seem to me that his parents have been offered the knowledge to help their son, but they don't want to. Perhaps they are in denial, (the perfect child syndrome) and it is really hard to get anywhere with people, when they want things another way. I guess you could ask them how their present parenting methods are working for their son? (re: Dr Phil). I mean, obviously not. However, you are not their most favourite person right now, but as you cleary care about your friend, perhaps you need to be his advocate, and maybe try to talk to them when he is not around. I'm sure they care about their son, but are just not aware of the damage they are doing. At the very least, it sounds like they are not even giving him the respect he deserves as their son, let alone assisting him to live with AS. I would be really concerned about his mental health (suicide rates in people with AS are high), and it is clear that some sort of intervention is needed.
As far as your friend goes, if you could be someone that was NOT emotionally charged that would help alot. It sounds like you do have a lot of emotional feelings towards his parents, but if you could restrain them when dealing with this situation, it would help a lot. Your friend probably does not want to get into any type of discussion over the difficulties, so it may be better for you to 'just be a mate' and talk about everything else but! (What are his interests? Try and shift the focus). Aspies lose a lot of friends with their behaviour, (ie hitting you), but I am sure that he would not like to lose such a good friend as you.
Other than that, there are really good websites and books that you could have a look at. Tony Attwood's for example, are fantastic.
Unfortunately, there are an awful lot of Aspies out there living in less than ideal situations, which is really sad. My son went thru' hell before we discovered his AS. Now he is happy and thriving, because we have the tools to give him what he needs. He's a different kid. But it does take knowledge and understanding.
Good luck!
:)


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mpietroad
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20 Jul 2006, 10:44 pm

AaronAgassi wrote:
Wouldn't it be great to plant video surveillance and catch the dad acting out on his son your friend? And would any of the teachers who praise you actually dare stick up for you? Is there anyone with the balls for some sort of intervention? I suppose the diplomatic approach might be for the principle would be to sell them on what would be presented to them some package of training in coping with problem children, in a manner sympathetic to their difficulties, and very careful not to come out and criticize their short comings. Perhaps family therapy is broadly indicated here. And if any of that doesn't work, wouldn't it be satisfying to just blast the nitwits with both barrels! -so to speak.. Maybe even call in child welfare, if possible
Quote:

I did think about getting child welfare into it. But I thought about what would happen to him where he ever to be placed into foster care. That would be MUCH WORSE. I think they call it dyfus around here or something, family services or whatever. But I shone away from it. I would also not know how to prove it. It would only be hear say.

AaronAgassi wrote:
But I must express my own standing skepticism toward psychiatric medication. Especially just to make your friend more quietly tolerate abusive conditions!


You don't understand -- you don't know what he's like. You don't go to school with him. I do, and his parents started him into these outbursts I think. But he has them at school too. It's part of why he's in my school to begin with. He can be quite caring and calm a lot but blows up when things do not go his way. Once it starts it can be taken to levels you may not understand. I do think he may benefit from meds. I'm on meds. I can get emotional but I just cry. He has these episodes where he just tells me he refuses to take anybody's s**t anymore and blows up and does not care if he hurts someone the least. I asked why a couple times and that is what he tells me. He just refuses to take crap from people. With me I don't upset him. He rarely acts like that with me. It's more authority figures who order him around and kids or adults who tease or pick on him. All I suspect due to his parents.

Also, tell me when I have said enough. I have a habit of continuously replying to posts until I annoy people. I've done this on past forums where I discussed. I just never knew when enough is enough.



AaronAgassi
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20 Jul 2006, 11:22 pm

You hardly need apologize for holding up your end of the conversation. Indeed, you asked for help here, so you better damn well reply!

Maybe your friend is right after all about taking no s**t! But tell him that to keep his one friend, you, to remember that you aren't taking any from him either. You have been loyal and put yourself on the line for him, after all. Ask him to return the solidarity.

And no, I don't think drugs are the answer.

I notice that you do not respond on the question of intervention, except that you hesitate to involve the authorities.


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larsenjw92286
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21 Jul 2006, 7:56 am

I think you should just state your case plainly and simply.


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