Why can two adults share a bed,but a child must sleep alone?

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My daughter age 10 and my son age 7 have their own rooms, but they are going through a "scared" stage at the moment and like to share the same bed (my daughter has a double bed). Once or twice a week I have them both in bed with me when my husband works overnight. it gets very cold where i live, so its cosy to all share during the winter. and as I am a working mum I certainly don't complain about having one less bed to make in the morning.

on weekends it is not unusual to wake and find me, my husband, son, daughter, dog and cat in or on the bed together. I always joke that it a good thing our pet goats live outside. Ha!

i think that co-sleeping is fine providing it works for the family.

I think one of the arguments or claims we should be talking about is the people who think "bed is for sex". That's one of the things right there, "bed is for sex".
We have this ideology that bed is for sex, so if a child goes into a bed...you see where this is going.

A long time ago in roman and midieval and even some other countries, children slept with their parents. Families slept together. Part was of course small homes. But the other part was because of connection.

I mean take any tribal culture and families still sleep together.

It is a cultural thing actually folks. In the US and some european cultures the child is expected to sleep alone...however in collectivist cultures the children often sleep with parrents untill adulthood. Yes in these cultures they often see their parrents having sex, because it is not such a taboo subject as it is in Christian cultures. I read about this in Nat Geo a few years ago. Part of what fosters our very independant nature is having children sleep alone at a young age. I personally dont see any problem with kids sleeping in parrents beds but as others pointed out, it does make for a rough nite sleeping for parrents.

I am sorry I used the word weird. I was not trying to insult anyone. Co-sleeping is something that is completely foreign to me and I had no idea it was so widely practiced. I always thought it was a big no-no. Not safe for babies, not to be encouraged in toddlers. I do understand that philosophies change, I mean, once upon a time parents told children they were dirty and going to hell if they masturbated, now we tell them to do it in private... I think, unless that's changed too.

I did take offense to the notion that the only reason I wouldn't want my son to sleep with me is sex. To be honest, I (regrettably) don't get enough sex for that to be an issue. I also took offense to the notion that, should I have the opportunity for sex, I should be "creative" and find somewhere else to do it. I find that comparable to if my son decided to sleep in the bathtub and told me I had to pee outside from now on. In general, I pee in my bathroom and I get laid in my bedroom. I'm also fat and insecure and prefer to have sex in the dark... I'm not saying this to be snotty, I'm admitting that no, I'm not that adventurous.

I understand that I am not everyone and my situation is not everyone's. What doesn't work for me, might in fact work wonders for others. Sleeping with my son, makes for a horrible night of sleep, but when he's scared or having trouble sleeping I do let him crawl in bed with me, I just require that he start the night in his bed. Personally, I think it's good for him to challenge his fears and learn some independence. That said, when I put him to bed, he isn't bawling and throwing a fit or telling me he's scared. I read to him and he falls asleep, then I leave his room. I don't know, if he seemed scared I'd probably change my mind.

That said, co-sleeping with an older child is weird to me. I DON'T mean it as an insult to those that do it. That's just the only word that sums up my feelings on it; odd, strange, different, foreign, or something that incorporates some mild version of all those terms. I have a friend who walks around her house naked in front of her 8 year old son, sleeps in the nude, and lets him sleep with her. I find that weird. I know a family that goes in the hot tub together, all nude. Their son is 15. I find that weird. I know nudity is not such a big thing in Europe or other places, but for me it's not normal to my life and what I'm used to, so that makes it abnormal to me.

I am sorry if my choice of words was offensive. I am not trying to further the argument with this post, but apologize and clarify my thoughts. If I'm still offending people, I'm sorry. I truly, truly am not trying to. I also want to clarify that I, in no way, meant to imply that parents who let their kids sleep with them are perverts. Never, never meant to imply that if people thought that's what I was saying.

I wonder.

What about brothers sleeping in the same room or bed together?

I hate to assume, but I think you're talking to me... yeah?

I don't think that's weird at all... I don't think? I mean, I never had a brother or sister, and my son doesn't either, unfortunately. I think that siblings should be close, at least that's what I always wanted one for. To me, that's like a sleep over. And yes, that makes me think, "Ok.. if it's ok for siblings, why do you think it's weird for a parent/child arrangement." And all I can answer is that siblings are contemporaries. They're equals and should learn to rely on each other and give each other strength. I think that there isn't that give and take in a parent/child relationship. (Wondering if I'm saying this right.) Maybe this, if the reason is fear and insecurity.... a sibling might give you the courage and confidence to face your fears... a parent completely removes those fears so that you don't have to face it, because parents are, of course, superhuman and god-like...

Like I said, I never had a sibling (that I ever lived with).... But when friends spent the night with me, we might sleep in the same bed.... just because.... I don't know.

I probably seem like I'm talking out of my ass now, and not making much sense.... but you just made me think about it a little differently, and now I have to process that.

In ireland the whole freakin family slept in the same bed. They had these huge beds that would sleep 8 people...so I really think there is no right or wrong on co sleeping as long as it doesn't become sexual...that in my book is weird, but co sleeping itself is not...just varies from culture to culture.

I understand what you're saying Burnt. A lot of us who have parenting "outside of the standard" and/or are attempting to change the current societal norm around some Western parenting practices are quite used to people having knee-jerk reactions regarding our decisions. Many of us are just as horrified by parents who put babies in cribs. My son still calls them "baby jails." His idea, that one, because that is not only what they look like but it's how a lot of parents use them. I apologise if my response was not appropriate, it just gets old having to defend why we parent the way we do. You shouldn't have to and neither should I. I think the most important thing is loving our kids and doing the best we can with the information we have inside of whatever limits we feel we need to set for ourselves and our families.

Co-sleeping is so common now that special infant beds are being made that fit next to parent's beds. It's become common for the same reason skin-on-skin contact after birth is becoming more prevalent. It is generally better for infant development and bonding for a child to be next to its mother. I knew when I decided to have a baby how I was going to raise my baby. I knew that having my baby in bed would be an issue for my private, in-bed time with my then partner.

(Not directed at Burnt specifically) ---I think it's weird (I used the word, too, so I don't take offense when others use it) that anyone would suggest sleeping with a child would become sexual. Why would that happen? By that logic perhaps we should not bathe our children either. That's just bizarre to me. The suggestion of that makes me honestly wonder why someone would suggest such a thing. Paedophilia doesn't happen because parents sleep with or bathe their children. Paedophilia happens because people are sick.

Regarding co-sleeping being "unsafe": People will use the "you may smother your baby" line and pull up the few cases where a child died in a parent's bed as a reason not to co-sleep. We never hear the statistics on SIDS in cribs being used as a reason not to put a baby in a crib. Not sure if anyone has ever done a statistical analysis of note regarding which is safer regarding these supposedly worrying statistics.

LOL.. I never thought of it that way. My son hated his crib and after 11 months, refused to sleep in it. I made him a bed on the floor next to my bed and would lay with him until he fell asleep, then do the 10 minutes super slow arm slide to disengage myself from him.

That's actually co-sleeping. You're weird. <-that's a joke for anyone who doesn't get sarcasm, don't slap me!

Really? I'm not going to slap you, hahaha... but are both statements jokes? or is laying down with him to put him to sleep really co-sleeping, cuz I still do that.. but I don't sleep... so that's not "co"sleeping.. right? Now I feel dumb.

Yes it is a form of co-sleeping.

No, lying down to sleep with him is co-sleeping. The second half was a joke. Sorta. That last part is another joke.

It's been well over a year now since I've been able to sleep in my own bed, with my wife. Our youngest, who at three is still only barely verbal, generally wakes up and joins me on the couch at about 2 AM every night. It's not a very comfortable way to sleep.

He used to sleep with the both of us, but my wife was kept awake by him pressing up against her...and by anxiety about him smothering. She's been fighting against a severe depression for a year now, and in the interest of allowing her as much badly-needed rest as possible, I bit the bullet and moved the couch.

I thought, for a bit, of trying to get him to stay in his room, with his brother. But doing so would mean his screaming and shrieking at 2 AM, which would mean nobody gets any sleep. It's going to happen sooner or later, and putting it off this long has only made it worse...but I've just not had the strength to deal with his screaming while his brother whines and cries about the "baby" crying, and we all get more sleep-deprived.

There is that part of me that likes having him next to me. I don't even wake up when he joins me, most nights. But the back ache and knee problems from contorting myself to accommodate him are reason enough for me to want to put an end to this. And then there's the fact that he doesn't LIKE my CPAP, and will often get upset if he sees me wearing the mask, and demand that I remove it. How he sleeps through my snoring, I'll never know.

i am not offended by the word weird, its just that co-sleeping with a 5 yr old is mild compared to some of the other weirder things that are part of my family's every day life. if co-sleeping is weird, then we must be absolute freaks for the rest of it. not that i would argue against our family being considered freaky, its pretty much true

co-sleeping is not unsafe, despite scare campaigns waged against it in the last two decades. there are many studies showing a decrease up to 400% in the occurance of SIDS when babies co-sleep, and countries where babies normally co-sleep as part of the culture have the lowest rates of SIDS. studies have been published and quoted showing infant deaths from smothering accidents in adult beds, but the same studies also showed 3 times as many crib related deaths. not to mention, co-sleeping promotes breastfeeding which is healthier for both mom and baby. modern cultures have created some really weird customs where we put babies in boxes and leave them alone all night and nurse them with cows.

if my son would sleep alone, now at 5, or even with his brother, i would be overjoyed. i would LIKE to sleep in a bed of just adults, my SO knows to stay on his own side of the bed =P my son however, simply cannot do so.

i would hazard a guess you dont have kids yet =) there is something amazing and wonderful about sleeping with your baby or child. it gives them this feeling of security and contentment, and you get it too. i love to watch my son sleep, he is even more beautiful when so peaceful. when one or more of my kids are cuddled up beside me on a quiet early morning, and i get to watch them sleep, all is right with the world. those quiet moments are sometimes the only thing that can prepare me for the chaos of the day that lies ahead.

Disclaimer #1: This may be TMI, if so.. I'm sorry.
DIsclaimer #2: I see that what I am about to say could generate a lot of backlash, and I am just hopeful to be heard out.

My son LOVED breastfeeding, and would have stayed to breast all day, everyday, if I'd let him. Everything was fine until he became mobile. I breastfed him until he was 2, unfortunately not because I wanted to. As I stated previously, as a college student, I was exhausted and slept hard, we shared a room, and he refused to sleep in a crib. When he was walking and able to climb into my bed, he would do so. I'm large breasted and unless I wear a bra to bed, they're not always easy to police while sleeping. I would often wake up to find him in my bed, latched on. I understand that a baby or toddler operates on a "See, Want, Take" system, but (and I KNOW this is the part that will seem ridiculous) I felt violated. I felt like my body wasn't mine anymore. At that age, if I cut off the session before he was ready, he got violent and would hit me and it just became a miserable experience for me. I felt trapped between doing what's good for your child and a situation that caused me to become severely depressed.

I know that for some people, my feelings in this situation will seem ridiculous and over the top.. I felt/feel like I shouldn't have felt that way... but the truth is that I did and all I can do is be honest about it.
I wish I could say I remember ever having had a night's sleep where I truly enjoyed sleeping with my child. If there was one, it's lost somewhere in the realm of my terrible memory and that makes me sad. We do cuddle together every night, and that is always a pleasurable experience, but I'm not able to truly sleep with my son.