How to say no when a guy asks for your number?



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EternalSunshine
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Tue Apr 26, 2011 7:13 pm

There's this guy (his name is Andrew) at my work who apparently is really really interested in me. He sits down next to me single day during breaks and asked me out awhile ago. There's nothing really wrong with Andrew; I don't dislike him but I definitely don't want to be his girlfriend or even just friends. He's a nice guy I guess, but I don't feel any sort of connection to him. Nothing about his personality appeals to me on any level. I rejected him (politely I hope) and then didn't encourage anything further. He said it was okay if I didn't want to date him, "but we're still friends, right?" I honestly don't think we were ever really "friends", I never gave him any reason to think that I wanted to be more than an acquaintance. However, he doesn't seem to pick up on the cues that I'm not interested in being friends. He keeps asking whether I want to go to the movies or do stuff together on the weekend. I always say that I'm busy.

However, his friend Joe (who also works at the same place we do) is a great guy who I'd love to get to know better. He's really nice, fun to be around (he's also an Aspie) and I think he could potentially be great friend material. About a week ago, he asked for my phone number. I gave him my cell and we've been having long phone conversations after work.

Yesterday, Andrew asked for my phone number and I kind of panicked because I didn't know what to do. On one hand, I didn't want to give him my number because I don't want our relationship to extend beyond the workplace; on the other hand, I was afraid that saying no flat out would be rude. I basically dodged the question by saying that my number was in the workplace directory... and now that I think back on it, that probably sounded really condescending. And I really didn't mean to be condescending, I was honestly just trying to find an indirect way of not giving him my number and that was the only thing that I could think of. But now I feel like an as*hole.

So today, I was hanging out with Joe and he said, "I talked to Andrew this morning and he thinks you hate him because you gave me your number but not him. Is that true?"


This is a really really really awkward situation and I'm kind of at a loss. I know I must sound like a horrible person based on what I just described but honestly, I really didn't know how to show him I wasn't interested in being friends in a way that wouldn't be mean.



LisaPizza
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Tue Apr 26, 2011 7:40 pm

Just tell him that you aren't comfortable giving your number to him yet. If he isn't willing to wait until you are comfortable with it, you don't want him to have it anyway. Guys who get offended because you are protecting yourself and your privacy aren't worth the trouble.



EternalSunshine
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Tue Apr 26, 2011 8:08 pm

Quote:
Just tell him that you aren't comfortable giving your number to him yet. If he isn't willing to wait until you are comfortable with it, you don't want him to have it anyway.


I don't think it's even really an issue of "yet". I don't want to be friends with him, period, and I don't and likely never will want to give him my number. But I don't know how I can reject his friendship without being mean.



IMCarnochan
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Tue Apr 26, 2011 9:11 pm

EternalSunshine wrote:
I don't think it's even really an issue of "yet". I don't want to be friends with him, period, and I don't and likely never will want to give him my number. But I don't know how I can reject his friendship without being mean.


Just tell him he reminds you of an ex who treated you crappy, or a bully who used to pick on you or something of that nature. If you want to be nice I recommend a nice white lie.



Chronos
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Tue Apr 26, 2011 10:58 pm

You are not a horrible person. Andrew does not have a right to have your number

I imagine he clearly understood you are not interested in dating him due to his comment about still being friends.

While it's plausible that he wants your number with the intention of just being friends, I think this is highly unlikely, and that it is more the case that Andrew is probably the persistent optimistic type and is hopeful that he will be able to win you over.

There are two ways you can go about handling this situation, that I can see:

1. You just tell his friend that you don't hate him, you just aren't interested in him, and leave it at that.

2. You give Andrew the "nice guy but..." talk, where basically say "Andrew, I think you're a great guy but I just don't think we're right for each other."

How he handles this will indicate his level of emotional maturity. An emotionally mature person can accept rejection and be diplomatic about it. Emotionally immature people tend to respond in one negative way or another but be firm with them and don't let them persuade you or guilt trip you into doing anything you are uncomfortable doing.



harry_j_83
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Wed Apr 27, 2011 12:55 pm

EternalSunshine wrote:
Yesterday, Andrew asked for my phone number and I kind of panicked because I didn't know what to do. On one hand, I didn't want to give him my number because I don't want our relationship to extend beyond the workplace; on the other hand, I was afraid that saying no flat out would be rude. I basically dodged the question by saying that my number was in the workplace directory... and now that I think back on it, that probably sounded really condescending. And I really didn't mean to be condescending, I was honestly just trying to find an indirect way of not giving him my number and that was the only thing that I could think of. But now I feel like an as*hole.


who cares if it sounded condescending! that's what he deserves for the nerve of persisting to ask you out! that was the right thing to do i think

he sounds like an audacious oportunist so why should you feel like the "as*hole"?



Chronos
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Thu Apr 28, 2011 12:38 am

harry_j_83 wrote:
EternalSunshine wrote:
Yesterday, Andrew asked for my phone number and I kind of panicked because I didn't know what to do. On one hand, I didn't want to give him my number because I don't want our relationship to extend beyond the workplace; on the other hand, I was afraid that saying no flat out would be rude. I basically dodged the question by saying that my number was in the workplace directory... and now that I think back on it, that probably sounded really condescending. And I really didn't mean to be condescending, I was honestly just trying to find an indirect way of not giving him my number and that was the only thing that I could think of. But now I feel like an as*hole.


who cares if it sounded condescending! that's what he deserves for the nerve of persisting to ask you out! that was the right thing to do i think

he sounds like an audacious oportunist so why should you feel like the "as*hole"?


I think he's just a hopeful optimist, but either way if she's not interested she needs to be firm with him even at the expense of possibly hurting his feelings because he likely just won't get it if she's not.



Daryl_Blonder
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Fri Apr 29, 2011 10:54 pm

I don't understand why Andrew would want to be friends with someone that clearly doesn't want to be friends with him, unless he thinks either consciously or subconsciously that it's a "stepping stone" to something more.

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Chronos
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Fri Apr 29, 2011 11:26 pm

Daryl_Blonder wrote:
I don't understand why Andrew would want to be friends with someone that clearly doesn't want to be friends with him, unless he thinks either consciously or subconsciously that it's a "stepping stone" to something more.

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There are a few reasons people do this. As has been suggested, he could view it as a stepping stone to something more. A lot of people think they can convince someone to like them, and some people can be convinced.

Or he doesn't actually understand that she doesn't want to be friends.



wefunction
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Sat Apr 30, 2011 11:25 am

If you like Joe and not Andrew, and Joe asks you about Andrew, just say to Joe, "I don't hate Andrew at all but I'm not interested in him romantically. I'm trying to be polite about it." Say nothing to Andrew without Andrew bringing it up. Hopefully, Joe will take this statement back for analysis and be able to conclude that by not giving Andrew the number because you lacked interested in him, giving him the number means interest. And then Joe will realize that it's not in his best interests to play messenger for Andrew anymore and will focus on his own opportunity.



wefunction
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Sat Apr 30, 2011 11:49 am

Daryl_Blonder wrote:
I don't understand why Andrew would want to be friends with someone that clearly doesn't want to be friends with him, unless he thinks either consciously or subconsciously that it's a "stepping stone" to something more.


Andrew does not want to be friends with her. He wants to sleep with her. When he asks, "We're still friends, right?" he is actually saying, "I can still talk to you, right?" which means he still has opportunities to get her interested in sleeping with him. The moment she sleeps with him, he'll decide she has some flaw (and create drama to prove she has it) and then break it off so he can move on.



BlueMage
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Wed May 04, 2011 6:09 pm

The way you are acting is cliquey and rude, deciding you will only be friends with special people. You are missing an opportunity to make connections at work. It does not matter if he want to sleep with you unless you think he's going to force himself on you or something. If he keeps asking you out report him for harassment, but maybe he lonely and would not mind being just friends. Just be nice to him and shoot the sh** every once in a while.



minervx
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Wed May 04, 2011 6:11 pm

Just give them a fake number. I give them the number to a local pizzeria or a number from the rejection hotline.



wefunction
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Wed May 04, 2011 9:31 pm

minervx wrote:
Just give them a fake number. I give them the number to a local pizzeria or a number from the rejection hotline.


This is fine for someone she's unlikely to see again but she will be held accountable and confronted about this kind of rude response. Fake numbers aren't cool.



hale_bopp
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Wed May 04, 2011 9:37 pm

What I would have done is probably given it to him because I couldn't figure out how to say no. This can be seen as leading someone on but what choice do you have? The last time I said to someone "I'm not interested in dating you or being friends" I got rape threats emailed back to me.

What to do from here is say to Joe that you didn't give him his number because you don't want to be his friend or GF, but you have nothing against him personally. He will pass on the message so you don't have to.

However this may cause problems in the work place. It's a really sticky situation - is it possible to ask not to be rostered with Andrew?

Or you could say to Andrew "I don't think it would work out" in regards to a relationship and a friendship.



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