Page 1 of 1 [ 9 posts ] 

chrestomanci
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 15 May 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 3

18 May 2011, 10:11 am

Hello, I'm new to the forum, but was hoping to find some sort of help. I'm engaged to a guy with Aspergers. We've been together for 5 years, and are getting married this fall. I moved from oregon to florida last summer to be with him, and we've been living together ever since.

He only found out about his Aspergers two years ago, and he's been having a hard time with it. Recently he's been having almost nightly melt-downs, sometimes about small things I try to show him are easily fixed. (He was frustrated and broke apart a doorknob, I fixed in a matter of minutes to prove it wasn't a big deal), other things are bigger and can't be calmed so easily, (Our car has been having problems, trying to find a new apartment.)

I do my best to stay totally calm and reassuring when he gets upset, but it's really difficult when he gets stuck on something that takes time to fix, and he'll get aggressive, go out in the yard and kick things, or hit trees. I'm kind of out of ideas on how to help, and don't know where else to go to talk about it.

Those of you in relationships with aspies, what do you do to help during meltdowns? Other people with Aspergers, what helps you? Space? Music? Anything in particular?

Thanks guys. <3


_________________
"Let the yoke fall from our shoulders, Don't carry it all, don't carry it all
We are all our hands and holders, Beneath this bold and brilliant sun
And this I swear to all"


purchase
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Feb 2010
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,385

18 May 2011, 10:58 am

I need to be alone cause I feel like a hunted animal and I am in a state of great mistrust/paranoia usually even of family members.

I know that sounds bad but it doesn't last long.



Mindslave
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Nov 2010
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,034
Location: Where the wild things wish they were

18 May 2011, 11:27 am

Usually when I have a meltdown (I haven't had one for a long time) I just need my space to pace alone for a while. Punching my pillow never worked for me because it wasn't physical aggression I needed to displace, it was a mental overload that needed to be uncluttered, like a big knot.



blueroses
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 10 Feb 2007
Age: 41
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,160
Location: Lancaster, PA

18 May 2011, 11:31 am

When he loses his temper and becomes aggressive, does he ever direct that energy towards you or does he just break things?

I'm not sure what can be done during a meltdown, other than to give him space and a little time to get in control of his emotions. I think the best approach is a proactive, preventative one and would encourage him to try to get at the root of what is causing him to get overwhelmed to the point of melting down in the first place. Some people with AS do tend to have trouble identifying or tuning into our own emotional states, just as much as we struggle with reading the emotions of others. So, if he has trouble 'unlocking the code' to what's causing his meltdowns, I'd recommend he keep a meltdown journal, document the circumstances surrounding or leading up to the meltdown and then go back and study his own patterns.

Some of us don't have frequent meltdowns and just experience them rarely during certain times or situations. This isn't really an inevitable part of living with someone with Asperger's, in the sense that it can be managed. It might take a good bit of work on his part, as well as patience and support on your part, to get to the point of managing it, though.



abyssquick
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 7 May 2011
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 365

18 May 2011, 11:52 am

chrestomanci wrote:
Those of you in relationships with aspies, what do you do to help during meltdowns? Other people with Aspergers, what helps you? Space? Music? Anything in particular? Thanks guys. <3


I am an "Aspie" (quotes cos I never liked that word) and I have gone through the anger, aggression, hostility, depression, breaking things (physically and figuratively). The thing that can be done is to help him find out who he is. Encourage him to grapple with his unfolding sense of self in more healthy ways. What does he like to do? Self-discovery is the only solution I have found for untying these kinds of knots. He has to realize he has limitations, has to identify, and accept himself inside the confines of his own mind. There may be a factor of mortality to it all, as well (depending on his age). The autistic mind is very focused on permanence, on constant states. I have had to realize personally that change is inevitable, and that I have NO control over it, and also that fighting it only makes accepting it more difficult. I can only control my circumstances to a certain point. It requires permeability, flexibility, and logic to realize these things.

Also, more pragmatic things like sunlight, cardio exercise and good diet will help more than one might think. The body and mind are a temple, and one of the best "routines" Autistics can get into is the routine of taking care of oneself.

I am no longer on any prescriptions, or using alcohol (or drugs). Not for years. I used to be in a state of hopeless feelings and alienation. But that can change. We have more control over our brain's habits than we tend to think we do.



LostAlien
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Feb 2009
Age: 41
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,577

18 May 2011, 12:21 pm

Personally, I found identifying things that lead to the possibility of a meltdown can help (so that I can try divert myself or avoid people), another thing that I found helpful was breathing excercises (slow and deep breathing) to help me think slightly more rationally.

In my opinion meltdowns sometimes have little to do with the issue that appears to cause them, I think it's usually due to a build up of difficult to deal with emotion and it is all let loose at one thing.

What works for me may work for your Fiance, it might not but it's worth trying. Bear in mind this is my viewpoint and Autism is a Spectrum condition so none of us are exactly the same.


_________________
I'm female but I have a boyfriend.
PM's welcome.


chrestomanci
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 15 May 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 3

19 May 2011, 11:30 am

I really appreciate all the answers this got, and I think they'll be helpful.

No, blueroses, he's never aggressive towards me, just inconsequential things like pens or empty soda cans. It's something about the crunching noises, he says.


_________________
"Let the yoke fall from our shoulders, Don't carry it all, don't carry it all
We are all our hands and holders, Beneath this bold and brilliant sun
And this I swear to all"


Bopkasen
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Jul 2006
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 541

19 May 2011, 2:00 pm

chrestomanci wrote:
I really appreciate all the answers this got, and I think they'll be helpful.

No, blueroses, he's never aggressive towards me, just inconsequential things like pens or empty soda cans. It's something about the crunching noises, he says.


My meltdown is beating myself in the head with my own fist and screaming at the top of the lung just not in front of people presence but surely people can hear me. His method is quite similar but different. Instead of self-infliction, he take it on lesser object that is worth cooling off.

I have this meltdown if my max out determination meet failure. You put fire to dynamite, stay away before it blow. Give him space if he have meltdown, he will calm down. During the state of meltdown, he could be more antisocial and is more likely calm down by listening to musics that he likes.

I don't get meltdown alot, but I remember and am awared of what I was doing to myself.



Chronos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Apr 2010
Age: 44
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,698

20 May 2011, 3:11 am

chrestomanci wrote:
Hello, I'm new to the forum, but was hoping to find some sort of help. I'm engaged to a guy with Aspergers. We've been together for 5 years, and are getting married this fall. I moved from oregon to florida last summer to be with him, and we've been living together ever since.

He only found out about his Aspergers two years ago, and he's been having a hard time with it.


I find this strange as it isn't as if he has been diagnosed with cancer. If one has AS then they have "had" it all of their lives. One should not suddenly find themselves struggling after a diagnosis.

chrestomanci wrote:
Recently he's been having almost nightly melt-downs, sometimes about small things I try to show him are easily fixed. (He was frustrated and broke apart a doorknob, I fixed in a matter of minutes to prove it wasn't a big deal), other things are bigger and can't be calmed so easily, (Our car has been having problems, trying to find a new apartment.)

I do my best to stay totally calm and reassuring when he gets upset, but it's really difficult when he gets stuck on something that takes time to fix, and he'll get aggressive, go out in the yard and kick things, or hit trees. I'm kind of out of ideas on how to help, and don't know where else to go to talk about it.

Those of you in relationships with aspies, what do you do to help during meltdowns? Other people with Aspergers, what helps you? Space? Music? Anything in particular?

Thanks guys. <3


People with AS have a hard time dealing with change. I think it's important to determine if his behavior is transitionary and will resolve once he is settled, or if this is just how he deals with broken things and life's difficulties.

If it's the latter, to be honest with you I probably just wouldn't marry someone with such a low level of patience, who had no ability to navigate life's rather predictable and ordinary difficulties whether they had AS or not. I have no patience for men who act like children.