Undiagnosed fiance

Post Reply New Topic

Hi all. I want to introduce myself and get some feedback. I'm female and engaged to my fiance, and we are getting married in September. We've been together three years. I knew there was something different about him from the moment I met him. For the last six months or so I've been wondering if he has Aspergers. Let me tell you about him:

He talks A LOT. He will talk nonstop for a very long time, in like one run on sentence, without pausing for others to respond. If you do try to cut in, he just keeps talking right over you. He also interrupts other people when they are talking. He often sounds like he is criticisizing whomever he is talking to, and in a way that sounds like he knows and does better than them. He talks on and on about the things that are of interest to him, specifically biking, gardening and music. If you don't like any of those things, he kind of acts like you're an idiot and he doesn't really want to talk to you anymore. He judges people very quickly and writes them off if they don't fit into his mold of how he thinks they should be. He often isn't clear when he is communicating, but then if you ask him to clarify, he gets really frustrated. He talks in circles, and he definately thinks "out loud". He has trouble listening to others. When he does respond to others, he is brutally honest and direct (he has offended most of my friends and family at one point or another). Now all these things I have learned to accept about him and they don't bother me all that much anymore, however, I have one huge concern. In the three years we've been together his employment history is: laid off from one job (he had a contract and they didn't renew it), unemployed for a year (he got a ton of interviews but couldn't land the job), at a new job for 8 months, before leaving for another job where he has been at 3 months. Whenever he gets to a new job, it starts off fine but then by month two, he starts complaining about how no one communicates well there, how he doesn't fit in, etc. He had a review at this new job and it was really harsh, basically outlining all the communication issues I stated above and telling him if he didn't change his communication in two weeks, he'd get fired. I really fear him not being able to hold a job because of his personality and I'm not sure what to do about that.

I've talked to him about therapy and some other things, but I have never brought up to him the Aspergers idea. I'm not quite sure how I would do that without offending him. I also am not even sure that I need to say anything, since there is no treatment available for Aspergers from what I've read.

Any advice would be much appreciated! Thanks!

He also doesn't respond to social cues at all. We are always the last one to leave a party because he does not pick up on the clues that everyone else have left and the hosts are tired. If he is talking to you and you are clearly not interested, he just keeps talking. He says inappropriate things at inappropriate times as well. He told one of the board members of the organization I work for "Good Luck" when he excused himself to go to the bathroom, for example. He really doesn't seem to understand the impact his words have on other people at all, he cannot perceive how others interpret what he's saying.

The thing is that I've learned his "language" and i can usually interpret what he's really trying to say. I know he is good hearted and his intentions are good, but people who just meet him just assume he's rude and insensitive.

Well, my best friends mother, both of whom I've known for 5 years, told me that her half brother was recently diagnosed with Asperger's. It's possible that she learned about it because of me. But now that he has that diagnosis, the running joke is that he uses his Asperger's to excuse himself from whatever inappropriate social behavior he is engaging in. Now, that only works around family, because it's hard to be part of a joke if you aren't in on it, but it certainly makes a difference. If nothing else, getting a diagnosis will make your fiance look at himself and his own behavior, even if it's just for a few days.

I used to work with a guy like your fiance. He helped me with a whole bunch of things, but he had no idea what a conversation was (it involves two people) and he also appeared to be angry at whatever person he was talking to or the subject he was talking about. He was very inappropriate at times, but he was cool anyways.

To WrongPlanet!! !

Because of him interrupting people and having trouble with keeping jobs it sounds like ADHD. But parts about talking about one subject non-stop, appearing to be insensitive, trouble with communicating,and trouble with social cues it sounds like AS. I am not a doctor so I could be wrong. Go see a therapist,psychologist,specialist,or doctor.

TFish; there is nothing you can do about that, Aspergers or not. He would have to take responcibility for his part in losing jobs. If anything, that sounds like the last thing he'd ever do. It's antithetical to who he is.

You need to decide for yourself if job instability is a deal breaker for you. You say that you accept him as he is. That's good. Have you accepted that you cannot fix his work communication deficit?

Welcome!

Welkome to WrongPlanet.

The WP Kink