How do I tell my husband he has Aspergers??

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Bejabo
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13 Jun 2011, 1:17 pm

After visiting a marriage guidance counsellor over a year ago she informed me in one of our one-to-one sessions that she felt convinced my husband has Aspergers. She told me so that I might understand him better (as someone who had no knowledge of Aspergers this wasn't going to be likely) and that I shouldn't tell him as he may not react well (think she should be struck off for her ridiculous approach but there you go).
After over a year I can no longer cope with my hyusband random behaviour and feel that he needs to know what the counsellor said. I also feel overloaded by carrying this secret with me for so long. I feel he needs to know as it may help our marriage if he can try and understand his behaviour and see why I feel so frustrated and upset by the things he does.
What I need to know is how do I approach this subject with him? I am feeling very stressed by the thought of it so any advise would be welcome.
Many thanks



purchase
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13 Jun 2011, 2:02 pm

Buy a comprehensive book on Asperger's in adults. Maybe someone can recommend a better title but maybe Solutions for Adults with Asperger's Syndrome? Leave it on his place at the table with a note saying "thought you might want to investigate this" or something innocuous and non-pushy. Just how I'd like to be introduced to the idea.



dyingofpoetry
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13 Jun 2011, 4:07 pm

Also keep in mind that both you and the counselor could be completely wrong. If you are going to present thim with a book or a web site, then be sure and qualify it by asking him if he thinks it sound like him or not. If it does, he will recognize it and it will be his choice to do so and to accept it. If he doesn't think he fits the criteria, then you are the one who will have to accept that or not.... He knows himself better than anyone.


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kotshka
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15 Jun 2011, 11:23 am

That's a tough situation. Assuming he has it, I think it's definitely better for him to know. I can't tell you the relief I felt when I finally found out and started to understand what was going on, and was then able to do something about it.

I had a similar situation with a close friend a while ago. We've been flatmates for a long time and it was immediately clear to me that he has AS (or possibly HFA, I'm still not 100% sure which). However, he doesn't seem to have any real problems because of it - most of his friends are current or former heavy drug users and members of the underground electronic music scene, so they are all very odd too and no one notices anything strange about him. However, when he decided it was time to get a "real" job in an office (telemarketing of all things), I started to worry. He had never been told he behaved inappropriately, even in school (he grew up under communism and things were very different back then), but he was bound to have troubles when he entered the business world for the first time. I had mentioned to him in a friendly, half-joking manner in the past that he was really weird, but he resented the idea and got angry at me for suggesting there was anything unusual about him.

The big moment finally came when I made my move. We were drunk. He doesn't usually speak very much (or make eye contact) when he's sober, but when he's drunk he starts to talk and he won't stop. If I try to interrupt him, he just talks right over me and yells at me to let him "finish" (something that will never happen). But somehow I got him to listen to me for a while. He knows that I have AS (he didn't believe it at first, which I took as a compliment, but there have been a few incidents that finally convinced him) and I got him to listen to me describing how it feels. Not just the outward symptoms (which he wouldn't be aware of in himself), but the inward feeling about the world. Stuff like being confused when people say certain things and expect something I'm not aware of, not seeing the "big picture" in things, needing to be alone and rock back and forth sometimes to cam down, being really nervous in situations that are new to me, etc. etc. I was amazed at how well he listened. Especially when I pointed out that most people do NOT have these problems at all (this was news to him!). Finally he interrupted me and said, tentatively, "You know, maybe I have a little bit of this too..."

That was the end of it. He has since accepted that he has "a little bit of" this condition (which I think is sufficient) and listens more attentively when I tell him he's doing things inappropriately. He now works in his office job and though it's hard on him sometimes, he has adapted remarkably well. Now that he finally knows that he sometimes behaves inappropriately, he's more willing to accept constructive criticism. He and I still have "serious talks" now and then about our intentions and feelings about events and situations, to make sure there are no misunderstandings (there often are). He sees no need to worry too much about having a label like "ASPERGERS," but he's finally starting to adapt, and that seems to be the important thing.

So if I can offer any advice to you, it would be to educate yourself first, as other people have said. Then, instead of confronting him with it directly (which can sound like an accusation and cause conflict), just tell him you've been learning a lot about autism and AS lately. Tell him about how people feel when they have it, and emphasize that NT people do NOT generally have these problems. If he does have it, he probably has no idea that what he experiences is unusual. If he's the one who realizes it himself, rather than being told he has a disorder, he'll be much more ready to accept and do something about it.

Finally, based on my personal experiences, it's always best to be direct about how you feel about certain things. I have a friend who's dating an autistic guy and she's constantly frustrated that he does all these things she doesn't like. I told her that if she doesn't TELL him what he's doing is inappropriate, he probably has no idea, but she doesn't believe me. She can't quite seem to grasp that body language and subtle hints just don't work in these situations.

However you decide to approach it, I wish you the best of luck. It can be a lot of work to resolve these issues, but it can also be very, very worth it. :)