Married to an Aspie - thinking of divorce



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NTinahousew3AS
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Sun Jul 24, 2011 11:04 pm

I desperately need help. I've been married for 12 yrs I had two NT children he had two one I knew was extremely autistic the other I did not know until after we were married was an Aspie. I've embraced it all but the truth is my husband has spent the 12 yrs in denial about his Aspie son who is now 23 just diagnosed and he himself is showing more signs of being an Aspie. I am the one who manages it all including my spouse and frankly I don't Think I can do it anymore. I love our family but I have no help, no friends, family just doesn't get it and they are a hindrance all the time. Yes, I seek counseling weekly...I just don't know what to do anymore I feel like I'm drowning. Please if anyone is married to an Aspie please tell me how you cope? He is a smart man, an Engineer, gifted musically, gentle, and kind however, I feel like his mother not his wife. He is just as taxing as our kids 23 Aspie, 22 NT, 19 NT, and 19 severely Autistic but in a much better place in his life than our 23 yr old. I know I need to take care of me but if I'm not home even for an hour my husband forgets our sons meds, doesn't stick to the program and then I have to manage the fall out. I've been very clear for the past several years that I'm tired and that I'd he doesn't help that I will get to the point of leaving. I have been very clear in the last year how very unhappy I am and tonight I told him I just can't take any more. Oh will someone please off some advice.



TheygoMew
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Sun Jul 24, 2011 11:08 pm

Write a list of what needs to be done.

A question. Was he ever a mama's boy?



Panic
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Sun Jul 24, 2011 11:30 pm

this is why im scared to marry, jeez why is no one helping this poor women out....

my advice.....be straight up, frank, u already did, he should want to divorce you, how could you be married to someone who hates you. Tell him its not working for you and you want a divorce, that seems like what you want to do anyways,

the kids have to deal with it.



Last edited by Panic on Sun Jul 24, 2011 11:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

MountainLaurel
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Sun Jul 24, 2011 11:35 pm

You can leave, it's a choice.

Or you can stop being a mother to your smart husband and allow him to be an imperfect parent to his children. Please don't tell me that this isn''t an option. It is as much an option as leaving.

Just stop mothering adults. Give it up. You'll have to give up control in doing it, but if you change how you behave, the whole family dynamic will change. Do this with resolve, patience and imperfectionism.

Why would your husband step up to parenting as long as you continue to do it all? He won't be as effecient as you are; all aspies will remain aspies; but you'll get some respite within your family setting and save your own life in the process.

You're already considering walking away into another life without your family. Why not take the less extreme measure of walking away to another room (or outdoors) and do some resting or recreating while your husband takes the helm for a portion of each day? Don't walk away mad; just walk away.

You could try this for a while; leaving completely will always remain an option.



MountainLaurel
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Sun Jul 24, 2011 11:47 pm

PS; I just reread your original post.

When your husband has dropped the ball when you've been gone; don't YOU deal with the fallout. Simply say oops, turn on your heal and walk back out. Until he's had to be the one to deal with the fallout a number of times; he hasn't enough motivation to stay on top of family care. Be ruthless in this; it's the only way to save the family, and he knows it; how will be deal with his responcibilities if you leave permanantly..........he'll have to step up either way.



LornaDoone
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Sun Jul 24, 2011 11:57 pm

Can you seek help through a social worker or any agencies?


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Chronos
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Mon Jul 25, 2011 12:51 am

The 23 year old with AS and the 22 year old NT should be able to take care of themselves, maybe not financially but certainly they should be able to look after themselves.

Your husband, should also be able to look after himself.

That being said, I have to wonder from your post if you feel that you must take on responsibilities that you really don't have. All of the people above are adults and can act like adults and will eventually take care of themselves if they are put in the position of having to do so. Occasionally in the parents forum a parent, usually a mother, will post expressing she is at the absolute point of melt down because her adult child with AS won't clean their room, wash their clothes, or make proper, nutritious meals and she has to do it for them. On the contrary though, not only does she not have to do it for them, she SHOULDN'T do it for them. She just can't stop mothering them because she is worried something horrible will befall them if she doesn't because in her mind they are needy and can't take care of themselves. In reality, she doesn't let them take care of themselves.

I don't recall either of my parents having to attend to any aspect of my life when I was 22 or 23.

It's probably really only the severely autistic one that needs someone to help care for him. You should focus your energy on two people, you, and him.



BassMan_720
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Mon Jul 25, 2011 2:14 am

Hi NTinahousew3AS

I am really sorry for your situation, please forgive me but I am going to take a liberty here by asking you a personal question. I am an AS man my wife is NT and could have written your thread. I too am a successful engineer and a musician. I've only known about my AS since October last year when we realised our 10 year old was AS. My wife is very resentful of my AS. I was totally unaware that I had caused distress to my wife over the years. I am now fully aware of the pain that I have put her through and I am trying to address my AS to make things easier. Unfortunately, time has had its toll and my wife is so resentful that she will not work with me to address the problems. As much as I would wish, I can't stop being AS. She is still with me only for the sake of the kids. My AS will not let me see what it is that I do that makes things so bad. I now just know that I do.

Now that I know about my AS I have been working on trying to reduce the effects of my AS traits. My wife does recognise that I am making an effort to do this but will not advise me on what is most important. I may be wasting my effort on trivial issues while I could be addressing things that are most important to her.

For example, I now make sure that I do not jump to conclusions in making decisions on partial or incorrect information that would be understood by an NT as a matter of cause. I am trying to help out around the house more, even though I get very tired from working long hours. I am trying to make my wife feel appreciated more (don't tell her but I have worked out a check list that helps me to appear spontaneous and notice things. I know it's a cheat but it's the best I can do). I now avoid giving the same answer to similar questions because I now understand that it is likely that my explanation was not understood rather than not heard.

My wife still complains that she does not want to be my mother (neither do I and I have never asked her to be). I have never been very concerned about my appearance but I am making an effort now but obviously not well enough. I do not have any problems dealing with my two daughters (no medications involved) and I am often the one that is better able to calm down situations (I have a better understanding about what frustrates our AS daughter).

I know we are all very different but I would really appreciate some advice from you. How would you like your husband to change to help make your life better?

In terms of your own plight. I was unsure from your thread if you husband knows about his own AS. I understand he is in denial about his son's. If he is going to to change at all, he will have to gain an understanding of the syndrome and take responsibility for how he behaves. I suspect my wife is suffering from Cassandra Affective Deprivation Disorder. There are a number of websites full of story's of women suffering this condition, because they live with AS husbands. I was devastated at the suffering caused to these women. In my case I am also guilty but the suffering has been caused completely inadvertently. Perhaps you could do a little web research and point your husband to these stories. It was a wake up call for me and may also shock him into action.

If you think I can be of help please PM me or, better still, get you husband to PM me. You never know, we may be able to mutually benefit through sharing our experiences.

If your husband is like me, he may be totally unaware how he is causing you distress or even that he is causing you distress. Before I knew and understood about my AS I just thought that my wife was being unreasonable.

I hope things turn around for you.

Best wishes



kat_ross
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Mon Jul 25, 2011 3:16 am

I am sorry that you find yourself in this difficult situation.

I tend to agree with Chronos. I am 23 years old and most likely an Aspie. I live in my parents' attic. They pay for my health insurance and drive me to class a few times a week. But, other than that, I keep to myself and take care of myself. I keep my room clean, I make my own meals, I pay for my classes and school materials, etc...I would not want them to do anything else for me, because I feel that they are doing enough by allowing me to live with them. I think that it would be reasonable for you to expect your 2 older children to do these things for themselves.

Focus on yourself and your 2 younger children, and hopefully everyone else will start assuming some more responsibility. Good luck with everything.



Chronos
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Mon Jul 25, 2011 3:18 am

BassMan:

You know BassMan, even though your wife probably has a mental list of specific things she would like you to know to do without being told, I think perhaps that if you just take more independent initiative in re-occurring household and parental responsibilities, and let her know about it then that might make her feel less like your mother and more like your wife.

For example, if you noticed the kitchen floor needed mopping said something like "I've gotta mop the kitchen floor, do you need to do anything in there first?" And then proceed to mop the floor when she is done in there, she would probably thrilled.

It's really no different than at work. You expect everyone to have some idea of what needs to be done and when. If you had a co-worker who still acted like an intern in that they had to be told what to do and how to do it every day, despite a fairly cyclic work schedule....if they asked if they should use red folders or blue folders for a high priority project, even though you know they've seen and worked with high priorities project folders man times before, you would get frustrated.



StuartN
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Mon Jul 25, 2011 4:29 am

MountainLaurel wrote:
When your husband has dropped the ball when you've been gone; don't YOU deal with the fallout. Simply say oops, turn on your heal and walk back out.


My wife calls this "puppy-training" - if someone fails to complete a job to a sufficient standard, like putting dirty dishes away, or only half tidying up, then do not complete the job yourself; no matter how boring it gets, puppies need the same message over and over, every time they mess up; they do not benefit from having their mess cleaned up. These are all grown-ups who can cope without parenting, except the autistic son.

Even better than walking out would be to establish some me-time when you paint, or do yoga, or go to an evening class and just pass the responsibility on to all these other grown-ups while you do it. That is what they are doing to you the other 23 hours per day.

PS: Some of what you write shows signs of depression, so talk to your doctor about how you are feeling emotionally, and about how tired you are.



NTinahousew3AS
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Mon Jul 25, 2011 5:52 am

:(

TheygoMew wrote:
Write a list of what needs to be done.

A question. Was he ever a mama's boy?



NTinahousew3AS
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Mon Jul 25, 2011 6:03 am

MountainLaurel wrote:
You can leave, it's a choice.

Or you can stop being a mother to your smart husband and allow him to be an imperfect parent to his children. Please don't tell me that this isn''t an option. It is as much an option as leaving.

Just stop mothering adults. Give it up. You'll have to give up control in doing it, but if you change how you behave, the whole family dynamic will change. Do this with resolve, patience and imperfectionism.

Why would your husband step up to parenting as long as you continue to do it all? He won't be as effecient as you are; all aspies will remain aspies; but you'll get some respite within your family setting and save your own life in the process.

You're already considering walking away into another life without your family. Why not take the less extreme measure of walking away to another room (or outdoors) and do some resting or recreating while your husband takes the helm for a portion of each day? Don't walk away mad; just walk away.

You could try this for a while; leaving completely will always remain an option.


I've tried this but the suffering is on the child who needs seizure meds. I've taken breaks, he wasn't parenting beyond putting the kids on the bus thankful to send them somewhere each day. I am the one if I don't he won't...I've been doing this for 12 years, I promise you it didn't start out this way...he never finishes anything, he doesn't remember the list, he doen't take his phone so I can't call him should he forget the the list, oh or he has it and it's not on. The list goes on and on...I'm not looking for perfect, I'm just looking for some help.



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Mon Jul 25, 2011 6:04 am

I see a very depressed man in your future. A man who will be devastated for life. I'm still a little shaken up over an Internet breakup that happened to me 4 and a half years ago. That was just a friendship. Is there a better forum for this thread to be in?


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NTinahousew3AS
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Mon Jul 25, 2011 6:04 am

TheygoMew wrote:
Write a list of what needs to be done.

A question. Was he ever a mama's boy?


If he remember's the list he doesn't use it, he forget's his cell phone and if he remebers it he doesn't turn it on.



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