Want to be alone, but lonely?



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iSpeedy
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Wed Jul 27, 2011 8:04 pm

I prefer to be alone, in my room or whatever little corner I can stake out for myself, and do things by myself. But at the same time I get lonely. Sometimes very lonely. And sad. When I do socialize a little I quickly want to retreat. I seem to be getting worse over time not better. Does any one else feel like everyone is looking at them, that people's eyes are shooting like darts into them?



Peko
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Wed Jul 27, 2011 8:34 pm

I tend to get like this during semester breaks mainly. In my case I have no desire to socialize with my family but would desperately like more contact with friends.


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edgezz
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Wed Jul 27, 2011 8:39 pm

I'm with you. I posted a similar question not too long ago. http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp3787820 ... t=#3787820 Just in case you are interested.



LornaDoone
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Wed Jul 27, 2011 8:41 pm

There's a 17 year old I met at a respite group. He said that he really prefers to be alone. He only has so many "on" hours a day that he can spend so he uses them wisely. He has about 5 or 6 good friends. Ones that he's grown up with mostly or friends of his brothers also. What he does is sets a number of "social" hours a week. He makes a point to hang out with his friends or do something around people. When his time is up, he leaves and checks out he says. When he's having a really challenging day, then he may video call some buddies on skype. Play online chess games or something like that.

But, by setting a time to be social, it helps him to know there is an end to it. And he is not expected to "perform" as he calls it after that. He tells his buddies point blank, "Got me for an hour guys, let's do something" LOL. Kind of cracks me up. But whatever works!

Edited to add: he started out with only 15 minutes a few days a week and after a couple years, he's raised that significantly. But, it was slow going.


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Wed Jul 27, 2011 9:19 pm

Yes, I am fairly sure I started a topic on this in 06 or 07.
I like to be alone so I can focus on whatever my current interest is, and I don't feel I can do it with someone else around, it just isn't the same.
I find it very draining talking to most people, and tend to want to retreat.
However, at the same time, I do feel lonely if I have days in a row or weeks (I at one point didnt speak to anyone in rl for months) with literally no interraction at all with another human being.

I find having a boyfriend can be difficult as I like time with them and time alone, and I can hardly walk off and go on my laptop in another room while they are there.


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iSpeedy
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Wed Jul 27, 2011 9:49 pm

thanks. WP is a good place NOT to feel lonely



syrella
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Wed Jul 27, 2011 10:03 pm

That's always been my curse, actually. I want to be alone, but I also get lonely. It's not terribly fun, but I've found that I have a social quota or so per week, like others have mentioned. If I don't meet that, I get lonely. If I exceed it, I get exhausted. The key is to find a proper balance.


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SakeGirl
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Wed Jul 27, 2011 10:11 pm

Quote:
...it helps him to know there is an end to it.


I think this too. Before/during a social gathering, I think 'no matter how bad it might get, it will come to an end.' A bit dramatic, but it works. :)



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Wed Jul 27, 2011 10:17 pm

I do not know what loneliness feels like. I am actually becoming increasingly curious.



syrella
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Wed Jul 27, 2011 10:31 pm

Verdandi wrote:
I do not know what loneliness feels like. I am actually becoming increasingly curious.

I think you are probably better off not knowing. If you've been sad before, it's like that, only in connection with other people. Instead of wanting to be left alone, for example, sometimes I want to be around other people.

It tends to cause more problems than it solves, but it can be a motivating force in terms of socializing. A lonely person is more likely to seek out other people. But they are also more likely to behave in a desperate manner.

I sometimes wish I didn't feel loneliness. Most of the time I don't, but sometimes I do. It's never very fun.


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SammichEater
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Wed Jul 27, 2011 10:32 pm

I'm rarely lonely. I haven't had enough alone time in a while now, and it's really starting to get to me.


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littlelily613
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Wed Jul 27, 2011 10:32 pm

iSpeedy wrote:
I prefer to be alone, in my room or whatever little corner I can stake out for myself, and do things by myself. But at the same time I get lonely. Sometimes very lonely. And sad. When I do socialize a little I quickly want to retreat. I seem to be getting worse over time not better. Does any one else feel like everyone is looking at them, that people's eyes are shooting like darts into them?


I am practically the same way. I have no motivation to seek friendship--to go out with acquaintances and such. I am generally either with family members or alone. And I am almost always off in my own little world. At the same time, I feel like I should feel lonely and that if I do not make friends, I will someday be alone forever. So I do tend to get lonely even though my brain also tells me that I don't want to be with other people.


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Wed Jul 27, 2011 10:39 pm

syrella wrote:
Verdandi wrote:
I do not know what loneliness feels like. I am actually becoming increasingly curious.

I think you are probably better off not knowing. If you've been sad before, it's like that, only in connection with other people. Instead of wanting to be left alone, for example, sometimes I want to be around other people.

It tends to cause more problems than it solves, but it can be a motivating force in terms of socializing. A lonely person is more likely to seek out other people. But they are also more likely to behave in a desperate manner.

I sometimes wish I didn't feel loneliness. Most of the time I don't, but sometimes I do. It's never very fun.


There are times when I want to talk to someone else about a particular topic, and it's frustrating if I can't find anyone to discuss the topic. One of the people I go to with some of those thoughts is extremely variable as to response times, but then so am I.

And when I've had crushes on some people, I did miss them when they weren't around. But I didn't want to be around people in general so much as a specific person. And I didn't really want a relationship, although I was sure I was supposed to want a relationship.

This may be why I usually only seek people out when I have a specific need.



syrella
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Wed Jul 27, 2011 10:49 pm

Verdandi wrote:
syrella wrote:
Verdandi wrote:
I do not know what loneliness feels like. I am actually becoming increasingly curious.

I think you are probably better off not knowing. If you've been sad before, it's like that, only in connection with other people. Instead of wanting to be left alone, for example, sometimes I want to be around other people.

It tends to cause more problems than it solves, but it can be a motivating force in terms of socializing. A lonely person is more likely to seek out other people. But they are also more likely to behave in a desperate manner.

I sometimes wish I didn't feel loneliness. Most of the time I don't, but sometimes I do. It's never very fun.


There are times when I want to talk to someone else about a particular topic, and it's frustrating if I can't find anyone to discuss the topic. One of the people I go to with some of those thoughts is extremely variable as to response times, but then so am I.

And when I've had crushes on some people, I did miss them when they weren't around. But I didn't want to be around people in general so much as a specific person.

This may be why I usually only seek people out when I have a specific need.

That makes sense to me.

I think loneliness might be described as more of an irrational desire to have people around you motivated by being alone or without close friends. By irrational I don't mean crazy, I just mean that you don't need a specific reason. Essentially, it says that some emotional need isn't being met by being alone and you want someone around to fill that gap.


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izzeme
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Thu Jul 28, 2011 4:20 am

i myself indeed prefer to be alone a lot of the time; yet i feel lonely even during 'recharge' and often even during socialisation.
however; i figured out the deeper cause of this lonelyness; it's not a lack of social contact, but a deeper lonelyness, the lack of someone to share my deepest feelings with.
even when i'm with friends, i can't really share my true self with them, so i still feel lonely...



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