I want a boyfriend, but then I don't

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I'm quite convinced that I'm a commitmentphobe. Even though I'll admit, I'm quite naive and I usually give someone the benefit of the doubt... But... I do not know.

I just do not know how to put this in words?

I want the good things in a relationship. I want to have someone to turn to--someone to talk to--sometime to hang out with, etc. I don't have a lot of friends... Who am I kidding? The only friend that I have is my mom. All my other friends live elsewhere. I just miss the "bond".

But,

I do not care for the physical aspects of the relationship; yes, I do love and enjoy sex--but I do not think I can ever have sex with anyone again unless I truly love them. The disconnect that I feel is so numbing--and I'm speaking of past experiences with boyfriends. I liked them, but I did not love them. And then comes the pressure; at first they're relieved I'm not like "other" women who love going on shopping sprees and who are dumb as hell... But after awhile I since that they're getting intimidated and I guess my intelligence begins to make them feel small--so in return they feel the need to make me feel small to prove their manhood. Or because of my social ineptness, they start speaking to me in a condescending way like I am ret*d. Oh! And they start complaining about how I do not wear heels and how I do not dress up like a prostitute.

It's like all of the things that they liked about me turned into annoyances, while I feel exactly the same way for them as I did when I started the relationship. I'm quite certain that men do not know what they want. They say they want a woman who is different, but they change their mind when they finally have her.

So in a way, I miss some things about relationships, but at the moment the cons outweigh the pros. I'm assuming I should just aim for a very close, but platonic friendship with a male? But it seems so much more difficult as an adult. It feels like all men want to have sex with us if given the chance.

I don't know what to do--why can't people be more simple?

Sorry I cant help but I sounds like Im a few steps behind you having the same experiences.

I have just started seeing a guy and although it hasnt got to sex yet it seems to be going that way, we text each other nearly every day and hug and touch when we see each other so its more than Ive had with any other guy. The same as you I have no friends apart from my mum and sister so I am really liking having the pros of a relationship like you said, someone to talk to, to turn to, to hang out with. I would be happy for it to stay like this forever and not turn into sex and trying to change each other and all the other complicated things I associate with relationships. But I fear this is what is expected and it may be true that a boy and girl cant be just friends.. At the moment I feel the need to choose between having a relationship inc. sex with the guy or not seeing him again. I agree it shouldnt be like this . I hope eventually we will find the right person who is happy to give us what we need and not want more.

I'm sort of a commitmentphobe myself, and it's very similar to what you are describing, only I'm on the other side. Although I enjoy physical intimacy (not so much sex) and romance, when I get too emotionally involved with someone, I start treating them differently, even though I still feel the same way about them as I did to start with. It's almost as if I'm afraid I'm going to lose her if I don't "step it up" when I know full well that she doesn't want or need me to step anything up, and quite frankly I don't want to step anything up either, but I do anyway. It's not about intelligence and feeling intimidated (not for me anyway, and I HATE shopping and heels and such) it's about being able to relax on a consistent basis, which I can't seem to do. I also can't spend a lot of time around the same person, because if I do, my individuality starts to decline. I can't be around the same person 24/7, or even once every day. I need time to myself, or at the very least least time around someone else. It's hard to be "independent" when I'm spending too much time getting to know the same person that I already know very well. How much more do I need to know? Once I have someone generally figured out (I never claim to have anyone totally figured out, because that's when they go on a rampage) I guess I have to step it up so I don't get bored with them. It would be so much easier if I could not call her for a week and not be in the shithouse, but that's wishful thinking. I have lots of energy, and the last thing I want is to become stale because I've spend too much time around one person. I'm not a lovey dovey person, so naturally I try to avoid excessive romance.

Yes platonic friendships are the best, if you can get one to work. I just feel that after a while, if one of the involved parties wants to sleep with the other, it is all screwed. I have seen this happen so many times, seems that sex always gets in the way. But boyfriends can be so complicated, peoples expectations always change, and no one is really what they seem. If you are just lonely and want someone to bond with why not a female friend? The sex thing would not be an issue (hopefully...
I don't know, you should probably ignore all relationship or lack of relationship advice from a girl that has never been on a date let alone had a boyfriend. But I get you, in same boat.

I actually hope that I can find a friend. I'm so embarrassed that I don't have IRL friends. People talk about their friends so much and I feel so left out because I don't have any... :/