Severe, worsening, suicidal depression, worse every year

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This could be triggering,

I was mildly depressed after stopping prozac age 13, severely depressed by 17 but not suicidal but certainly not functional at all, lost all friends and became "selectively mute".

Now I'm in college, and I'm desperately trying to make up for the void of a life I lived from age 7-20, where I just sat in my room every day and slept a lot, eventually got into abusing otc and rx drugs and alcohol heavily because I felt like I was stuck. In retrospect I was "autistically blind" to joining clubs or any social thing in gradeschool, I wish someone would of showed me the way...

Today I am desperately trying to reclaim my life by doing things I didn't as a child or teenager ie going on trips with clubs...
The biggest problem today is I am visible by my peers now, not ignored, and now I am being mocked, gossipped about, etc, all the bs...
Being socially rejected like that made my depression so severe I was planning to commit suicide last semester and was severely depressed to the point I could not do my school work at all and failed 2 classes. It got to where I could not tell what was going on was real or not, I was experiencing "esp" and other things...
I fear by next semester, things could just get worse and worse. I am medicated now, which gives me a lot of energy, and makes life not a burden anymore, but if I get over-stressed and people start bothering me again, things could get really really bad...

I see people with AS tend to have depression, but when I read the forums I dont see many posts about how really really really badly inside they feel the need to die because of depression...
Does anyone else have this problem... Worsening, worsening depression, more severe as time goes on...

There is a part of me that wants to end it all. too.......it's the part of me that is so aware enough to look over the imprisoning aspects of my condition and see, feel, touch and taste a world i cannot fully own or at times feel to be a true part of............

The loneliness can be overwhelming for me, and often it is the loneliness that comes from being so able intelectually that others just cant underst at. how such a gifted communicator should be so burdened.

However, as much as i have found ways to befriend and tend to this part of me, i will not fall into the unhelpful trap of offering my solutions as a blueprint for you. I just wanted to say thanks for posting, there are many here amungst us searching for meaning and hope.

I think it is worthwhile and dare i say it 'healthy' to own these parts of ourselves and then work with them, disowning, them through say workaholism, addictions or through taking 'spiritual flight' (god, UFO's, whatever) is very common.......but owning our suffering is the first step in not letting it master us.

Depression sets in for me when i cannot accept myself. Accepting myself means accepting my difference and paradoxically in so doing accepting my true connection with this world..........this seems to be my challenge. I wish you well with yours.

Go well

I can't really tell if my depression is getting worse, It could be but as far as I know counseling does not help, prozac does not help and I am not on medicaid and have no medical insurance so I cannot really try any other professional help at the moment.......I use cannabis to keep it under control. Other than that I am confused about other things that seem to be going on.......like being sure someone said something but then not so sure they actually said it and thinking maybe I imagined it that is a bit weird.

Well...yes, I do...but it's not directly because of AS, it's because of the consequences (like...I don't think I'll ever be able to earn a living because of my issues).
I really don't _want_ to do it, but I'm definitely suicidal at the moment. My depression is always linked to the question: can I make it in the world (i.e. earn enough money to live a decent life with enough time for myself and my interests, without being a nerve wreck at the same time). I had suicidal periods at the end of high school and also at university, however at that point I still had the hope that I could change.
Now I know (ok, I'm pretty sure) this isn't going to happen. I feel I'm out of options now, even though "objectively" I may not be. So..yes, it is getting worse and worse, because I have less and less options and more and more time to prove that I don't "function" properly.

Yes i get depression too , it is becoming a huge concern to my family who worry about me frequently. I have become submerged with high anxiety and frequent morbid thoughts.

I get extremely negative and stupendously paranoid , sometimes i think i am seeing the world as an outsider. I feel that i am surrounded by normal people who don't understand my situation enough. I can become very wound up by it all , i find any sort of work at this current time both overwhelming and distressing.

I feel like i can't shut myself up , i can't even delay my thoughts they attack me from all sides. I have done poetry , played and listened to music , writing , morris dancing and gone on various trips , but i still feel awful. I am seeing a psycologist in London about it , but in the present time that does not make me feel safe.

I can't travel out alone to towns or villages without feeling as if i am being watched. I feel as if i am constantly on cctv or video tape wherever i go. People seem to see through me than actually look and talk to me , i want them to talk to me as if i exist. I feel i am in a punch up for all of my money that i get and that wherever i go my mind sees red.

I cover all this up by pretending to be other people , Steven Gerrard , Frank Lampard , etc , etc. I feel that i have to be perfect in every way whatever i do has to be emaculate. I got cross with having to do various tasks. I am hypersensitive to anything at this present time and i get angry easily and very stressed.

I am still searching for enlightenment , i can't go out into places all day without going mad , i.e Saturday Thorpe Park i came back and felt dead , but i felt pumped up for some strange reason.

I hold it all in for the sake of holding it all in. I get a bit sick of this up an atom stoke city attitude that i have to dopt. Im sick of myself though to be honest , i may start a diary and write some more in the diary. Neurotypical people like my Dad who is still very supportive just don't understand what it feels like when you feel like taking an overdose or think about slitting your wrists.

I have time obssessions and i question everything to the point that there is nothing left to question , im going round the twist. I feel as if i am mad , i know i am.

I have been prone to depression most of my life (I am 30 now). I was sexually abused for 6 years as a child by two cousins. that is where my depression starts. it ends in my adult life with a diagnosis of bipolar type two with intermittant psychosis, in remission, the psychosis, since auigust of 2010. I have a problem with paranoia, but an increase in risperdal to the max dose put a cap on that in february.

I get suicidally depressed many times a year, like at least 4 times a year, which is a lot. currently I am not suicidally depressed, but am depressed about how pointless my life is.

PM me if you need someone to talk to. been there, done that, got the shirt.

The whole thing with "trying to make up for lost time"... I understand that completely. I think it's how I'm going to spend the rest of my life. Especially when it comes to girls. I want to hook up with as many girls as I can. The more, the merrier. I've already long surpassed most of my classmates who I was so jealous of back in the day, who all had GFs while I sat home alone. But it's never enough.... I just want more... every time my heart got broken my need for the touch of women increased exponentially... until it happened one too many times and I just lost it. Now my life is a virtual smutfest. There is no doubt that if I had gone out on dates or been talked to by girls in high school I would not be like this now. But yet it makes me happy at the same time. It's like a drug, but I don't know whether it's good for me or bad for me.

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archraphael - i note that you were on prozac up to age 13, then you condition worsened ever since.

you do not mention if u are on meds now, are you ?

if the meds were working, y did u stop taking them, as the condition went downhill.

have you been to see a doctor, print your post and show him how you feel, i sometime write notes for my doctor as i do not express my feelings in person well, or forget to tell my doctor if i feel better that day,

tell your doc you feel suicidal, it is getting worse over the years, you were ok up to 13 when on prozac.
college/university was worse for me, as the routines are all up in the air. if you make it to second year you will notice about 33 percent of ppl have dropped out. mainly due to stress, marks etc. so u are not alone. many ppl undergo stress un post high school studies.

make an appt to see a qualified doctor in the next few days, if need be go to emerg and show them your written notes from this page.

all the best to you in the future
alan,

yes, since I hit puberty: 11 or 12 years old.

my first year of college was like yours. I couldn't function.

today, I do a lot of stuff to treat the depression but it is still progressing, never really goes away. I can function, but my hopelessness and suicidal thinking come and go. as my depression progresses, so does my ability to cope with it. the symptoms cause fewer and fewer problems each year.

with the care of a good therapist, I repeat a good therapist, and probably a psychiatrist, you will get better.

coming to terms with my asperger's is the last link in dealing with my depression. I blamed myself for all the social mishaps and kept trying to change myself to be something different, to fit in. I know today that I can't fit in, but that is okay. people like me for who I am. I just try not to be rude and try to accept myself for who i am. it's tough, but things are a lot easier now than when I was a teenager. I hope things keep getting better.

You can end your life without dying: run away, escape into the woods and live as a hermit for a time, join a traditional tribe, traverse the shores of your conscience and then, when you are ready, return to society as a new person. You can also try medication, but the point is to do whatever you must to survive. LIVE DAMN YOU, LIVE!! !

all of these posts represent how i feel as well. This is it. this is our hand that was dealt. we have no other choice than to stick together and slowly drown in our hopelessness. ill never be happy. the sooner i accept that, the sooner i can move on. but why move on? whats the point? i guess there is none, we were not born out of choice. we are sad and out of place, and nothing will ever save us. but that's not as bad as it sounds