women have it harder(coming from a male)

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hyperlexian
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12 Sep 2011, 7:33 pm

Tim_Tex wrote:
hartzofspace wrote:
Tim_Tex wrote:
The reason it's so difficult is because she embodied all the ideals I desire in a partner. I put up with the lies, the paranoia, the broken promises, even the fact that she didn't want kids (I want kids) because it's very rare to find an Aspie who likes a lot of the things I do.

You consider lies, paranoia and broken promise as ideals that you desire in a partner? I am confused.


No, that's not what I meant. I meant that she had the same interests (the same taste in moves/music/TV, she liked to travel, she had a college degree). Yet I worry that if I focus on good inner qualities, I will end up with someone who is asexual, can't hold down a decent job, and just sits at home and plays video games and nothing else.

why don't you try dating a few different sorts and see which type fits with you best? staying stuck on someone years later is not going to help you find love and happiness in the future. she is gone, that is over, and clinging to her does you a disservice. you deserve better than the kind of treatment she gave you.


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hartzofspace
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12 Sep 2011, 7:47 pm

Tim_Tex wrote:
hartzofspace wrote:
Tim_Tex wrote:
The reason it's so difficult is because she embodied all the ideals I desire in a partner. I put up with the lies, the paranoia, the broken promises, even the fact that she didn't want kids (I want kids) because it's very rare to find an Aspie who likes a lot of the things I do.

You consider lies, paranoia and broken promise as ideals that you desire in a partner? I am confused.


No, that's not what I meant. I meant that she had the same interests (the same taste in moves/music/TV, she liked to travel, she had a college degree). Yet I worry that if I focus on good inner qualities, I will end up with someone who is asexual, can't hold down a decent job, and just sits at home and plays video games and nothing else.

Thanks for clarifying that! But as for worrying about focusing on good inner qualities, that could better help you find the woman you are looking for. I used to focus on a guy's looks alone. When I started paying attention to their inner qualities, I was better able to be open to meeting someone like my fiance. I realized that while highly attractive males always caught my eye, I was genuinely attracted to more geeky, nerdy types.


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12 Sep 2011, 10:36 pm

Y'know going back to the whole suicide discussion...I do want to say something....

Chronos (comment removed by hyperlexian as it was both sexist and contained a personal attack) says that men who commit suicide have only themselves to blame. After all, they didn't seek out counseling. Counseling cannot solve suicidal thoughts...the only thing that can cure these feelings is having something to live for or making the person scared of suicide. I have nothing to live for personally but as I'm afraid of death, I'm still alive. Hopefully I will work up the courage some day...not that anyone here would care.



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12 Sep 2011, 10:55 pm

SadAspy wrote:
Y'know going back to the whole suicide discussion...I do want to say something....

Chronos (comment removed by hyperlexian as it was both sexist and contained a personal attack) says that men who commit suicide have only themselves to blame. After all, they didn't seek out counseling. Counseling cannot solve suicidal thoughts...the only thing that can cure these feelings is having something to live for or making the person scared of suicide. I have nothing to live for personally but as I'm afraid of death, I'm still alive. Hopefully I will work up the courage some day...not that anyone here would care.


BS. Psychotherapy in fact saved my life. The only courage I worked up was to admit I needed help and find the therapist to help me.



Last edited by AsteroidNap on 12 Sep 2011, 11:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Tim_Tex
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12 Sep 2011, 11:07 pm

hartzofspace wrote:
Tim_Tex wrote:
hartzofspace wrote:
Tim_Tex wrote:
The reason it's so difficult is because she embodied all the ideals I desire in a partner. I put up with the lies, the paranoia, the broken promises, even the fact that she didn't want kids (I want kids) because it's very rare to find an Aspie who likes a lot of the things I do.

You consider lies, paranoia and broken promise as ideals that you desire in a partner? I am confused.


No, that's not what I meant. I meant that she had the same interests (the same taste in moves/music/TV, she liked to travel, she had a college degree). Yet I worry that if I focus on good inner qualities, I will end up with someone who is asexual, can't hold down a decent job, and just sits at home and plays video games and nothing else.

Thanks for clarifying that! But as for worrying about focusing on good inner qualities, that could better help you find the woman you are looking for. I used to focus on a guy's looks alone. When I started paying attention to their inner qualities, I was better able to be open to meeting someone like my fiance. I realized that while highly attractive males always caught my eye, I was genuinely attracted to more geeky, nerdy types.


I like that advice. I have trouble understanding some of the non-verbal social cues that NTs expect us to instinctively know, when we don't. Yet the whole numbers game makes fnding another Aspie nearly impossible, much less one who likes traveling and has a high sex drive like me, and also wants to start a family.



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12 Sep 2011, 11:20 pm

SadAspy wrote:
Y'know going back to the whole suicide discussion...I do want to say something....

Chronos (comment removed by hyperlexian as it was both sexist and contained a personal attack) says that men who commit suicide have only themselves to blame. After all, they didn't seek out counseling. Counseling cannot solve suicidal thoughts...the only thing that can cure these feelings is having something to live for or making the person scared of suicide. I have nothing to live for personally but as I'm afraid of death, I'm still alive. Hopefully I will work up the courage some day...not that anyone here would care.


Suicide can be induced by treatment from others. Mostly It's caused by physical hormone imbalance or underlying mental illness though.

I don't think women are the cause of most men killing themselves.



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12 Sep 2011, 11:46 pm

SadAspy wrote:
Y'know going back to the whole suicide discussion...I do want to say something....

Chronos, being heartless like most (I'd say all, but I'd get in trouble...so much for free speech) women, says that men who commit suicide have only themselves to blame. After all, they didn't seek out counseling. Counseling cannot solve suicidal thoughts...the only thing that can cure these feelings is having something to live for or making the person scared of suicide. I have nothing to live for personally but as I'm afraid of death, I'm still alive. Hopefully I will work up the courage some day...not that anyone here would care.


I'm not heartless SadAspy. You simply choose to see me that way because you sculpt your perception to fit your ideas. I could be Mother Theresa and you would conveniently overlook my acts of kindness.

I will, however, defend myself when attacked, whether I be attacked directly or generally, and ever since I have come to this forum I have been subject to attacks entirely unprovoked on my part, on the basis that I am a woman.

I did not come here with bitterness towards men, and write hostile, angry, slanderous posts about men in general, despite the fact that I've been treated rather poorly by some men with regards to dating in the past.

You will never find me doing that because the truth is, I accept that there are good people in the world and bad people in the world, and their sex has nothing to do with it. I also fully accept the fact that I have Asperger's Syndrome and everything that entails.

I will be honest with you, and I've said this before; It used to upset me when a man I found attractive didn't want anything to do with me, or people I wanted to be friends with didn't want to be friends with me. I thought they *should* want to associate with me because I was nice, honest, faithful and accepting person. But no matter how much I tried, it seemed I always fell short and there was always some other girl he was interested in, who was either prettier, more graceful, or less socially awkward or weird than me...usually all of the above.

I was not what they were looking for because they were wired to look for essentially NT girls and I am not NT.

What are my options? Date someone I am not attracted to? I have Asperger's Syndrome, I get stressed in social situations and so whoever I partner with I must be completely compatible with or I won't be able to deal with it. Create an NT alter ego for dating? But how long can I keep that up? About 2 months.....one month before I want to violently smash my head into a wall repeatedly. Eventually either I'll have a nervous breakdown or he'll figure out he got duped and leave. Hate the world for not being more accepting of people with Asperger's Syndrome? That's completely futile.

I do not blame a man I find attractive when he does not want to date me because I know he is looking for a woman that I can't be, due to inherent aspects of my physical self, or my personality and neurological makeup. I also know he has no control over who he finds attractive. That has been hardwired into him through evolution. How can I hate someone for something that is beyond their control?

That would be like someone hating me for something that's beyond my control, like having Asperger's Syndrome, and demanding I "just be normal", as if I could magically snap my fingers and think and operate like an NT.

I'm just not the woman he wants. I can't be the woman he wants, ok, fine, I'll just keep looking.

Sure, I might never find someone. But I've come to accept in life that I'm not a normal individual and some paths in life that seem to exist for everyone else just don't exist for me. And you know what? I can live with that. I've missed out on so many things I would have liked the opportunity to experience already and I'm still alive.



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13 Sep 2011, 8:26 am

Chronos wrote:
Sure, I might never find someone. But I've come to accept in life that I'm not a normal individual and some paths in life that seem to exist for everyone else just don't exist for me. And you know what? I can live with that. I've missed out on so many things I would have liked the opportunity to experience already and I'm still alive.


The good news - I really think that NT's are just as walled as we are in terms of watching certain things pass them by or worse, watch helplessly as their lives keep falling to the same mistakes. I think the happiest we can be is when we realize that its all a big illusion and that we're not really in control.


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13 Sep 2011, 8:44 am

Chronos wrote:
SadAspy wrote:
Y'know going back to the whole suicide discussion...I do want to say something....

Chronos, being heartless like most (I'd say all, but I'd get in trouble...so much for free speech) women, says that men who commit suicide have only themselves to blame. After all, they didn't seek out counseling. Counseling cannot solve suicidal thoughts...the only thing that can cure these feelings is having something to live for or making the person scared of suicide. I have nothing to live for personally but as I'm afraid of death, I'm still alive. Hopefully I will work up the courage some day...not that anyone here would care.


I'm not heartless SadAspy. You simply choose to see me that way because you sculpt your perception to fit your ideas. I could be Mother Theresa and you would conveniently overlook my acts of kindness.

I will, however, defend myself when attacked, whether I be attacked directly or generally, and ever since I have come to this forum I have been subject to attacks entirely unprovoked on my part, on the basis that I am a woman.

I did not come here with bitterness towards men, and write hostile, angry, slanderous posts about men in general, despite the fact that I've been treated rather poorly by some men with regards to dating in the past.

You will never find me doing that because the truth is, I accept that there are good people in the world and bad people in the world, and their sex has nothing to do with it. I also fully accept the fact that I have Asperger's Syndrome and everything that entails.

I will be honest with you, and I've said this before; It used to upset me when a man I found attractive didn't want anything to do with me, or people I wanted to be friends with didn't want to be friends with me. I thought they *should* want to associate with me because I was nice, honest, faithful and accepting person. But no matter how much I tried, it seemed I always fell short and there was always some other girl he was interested in, who was either prettier, more graceful, or less socially awkward or weird than me...usually all of the above.

I was not what they were looking for because they were wired to look for essentially NT girls and I am not NT.

What are my options? Date someone I am not attracted to? I have Asperger's Syndrome, I get stressed in social situations and so whoever I partner with I must be completely
compatible with or I won't be able to deal with it. Create an NT alter ego for dating? But how long can I keep that up? About 2 months.....one month before I want to violently smash my head into a wall repeatedly. Eventually either I'll have a nervous breakdown or he'll figure out he got duped and leave. Hate the world for not being more accepting of people with Asperger's Syndrome? That's completely futile.

I do not blame a man I find attractive when he does not want to date me because I know he is looking for a woman that I can't be, due to inherent aspects of my physical self, or my personality and neurological makeup. I also know he has no control over who he finds attractive. That has been hardwired into him through evolution. How can I hate someone for something that is beyond their control?

That would be like someone hating me for something that's beyond my control, like having Asperger's Syndrome, and demanding I "just be normal", as if I could magically snap my fingers and think and operate like an NT.

I'm just not the woman he wants. I can't be the woman he wants, ok, fine, I'll just keep looking.

Sure, I might never find someone. But I've come to accept in life that I'm not a normal individual and some paths in life that seem to exist for everyone else just don't exist for me. And you know what? I can live with that. I've missed out on so many things I would have liked the opportunity to experience already and I'm still alive.


+1,000,000

Extremely well said, as usual. :)

Sticky!



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13 Sep 2011, 9:13 am

Grisha wrote:
Chronos wrote:
SadAspy wrote:
Y'know going back to the whole suicide discussion...I do want to say something....

Chronos, being heartless like most (I'd say all, but I'd get in trouble...so much for free speech) women, says that men who commit suicide have only themselves to blame. After all, they didn't seek out counseling. Counseling cannot solve suicidal thoughts...the only thing that can cure these feelings is having something to live for or making the person scared of suicide. I have nothing to live for personally but as I'm afraid of death, I'm still alive. Hopefully I will work up the courage some day...not that anyone here would care.


I'm not heartless SadAspy. You simply choose to see me that way because you sculpt your perception to fit your ideas. I could be Mother Theresa and you would conveniently overlook my acts of kindness.

I will, however, defend myself when attacked, whether I be attacked directly or generally, and ever since I have come to this forum I have been subject to attacks entirely unprovoked on my part, on the basis that I am a woman.

I did not come here with bitterness towards men, and write hostile, angry, slanderous posts about men in general, despite the fact that I've been treated rather poorly by some men with regards to dating in the past.

You will never find me doing that because the truth is, I accept that there are good people in the world and bad people in the world, and their sex has nothing to do with it. I also fully accept the fact that I have Asperger's Syndrome and everything that entails.

I will be honest with you, and I've said this before; It used to upset me when a man I found attractive didn't want anything to do with me, or people I wanted to be friends with didn't want to be friends with me. I thought they *should* want to associate with me because I was nice, honest, faithful and accepting person. But no matter how much I tried, it seemed I always fell short and there was always some other girl he was interested in, who was either prettier, more graceful, or less socially awkward or weird than me...usually all of the above.

I was not what they were looking for because they were wired to look for essentially NT girls and I am not NT.

What are my options? Date someone I am not attracted to? I have Asperger's Syndrome, I get stressed in social situations and so whoever I partner with I must be completely
compatible with or I won't be able to deal with it. Create an NT alter ego for dating? But how long can I keep that up? About 2 months.....one month before I want to violently smash my head into a wall repeatedly. Eventually either I'll have a nervous breakdown or he'll figure out he got duped and leave. Hate the world for not being more accepting of people with Asperger's Syndrome? That's completely futile.

I do not blame a man I find attractive when he does not want to date me because I know he is looking for a woman that I can't be, due to inherent aspects of my physical self, or my personality and neurological makeup. I also know he has no control over who he finds attractive. That has been hardwired into him through evolution. How can I hate someone for something that is beyond their control?

That would be like someone hating me for something that's beyond my control, like having Asperger's Syndrome, and demanding I "just be normal", as if I could magically snap my fingers and think and operate like an NT.

I'm just not the woman he wants. I can't be the woman he wants, ok, fine, I'll just keep looking.

Sure, I might never find someone. But I've come to accept in life that I'm not a normal individual and some paths in life that seem to exist for everyone else just don't exist for me. And you know what? I can live with that. I've missed out on so many things I would have liked the opportunity to experience already and I'm still alive.


+1,000,000

Extremely well said, as usual. :)

Sticky!

While I think that chronos posts is quite impressive and extremely well written we cant sticky a post on its own and we have to sticky full threads.
If she wishes she can open a new thread and paste this post and we could sticky it.

@SadAspy I hope that you can eventually realize the mistake you are making by blaming women for your own trouble and that you are able to eventually find someone once you´ve dropped the attitude


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SadAspy
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13 Sep 2011, 10:21 am

spongy wrote:
@SadAspy I hope that you can eventually realize the mistake you are making by blaming women for your own trouble and that you are able to eventually find someone once you´ve dropped the attitude


Maybe if a woman or white knight here actually came up with a legitimate argument, I would consider it. Instead, it's just shaming language.

As for my attitude, for the 993,563,147th time, I used to not have an attitude. What was the reason for my multiple rejections then?



emlion
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13 Sep 2011, 10:23 am

SadAspy wrote:
spongy wrote:
@SadAspy I hope that you can eventually realize the mistake you are making by blaming women for your own trouble and that you are able to eventually find someone once you´ve dropped the attitude


Maybe if a woman or white knight here actually came up with a legitimate argument, I would consider it. Instead, it's just shaming language.

As for my attitude, for the 993,563,147th time, I used to not have an attitude. What was the reason for my multiple rejections then?


just life. everyone gets rejected for multiple things all the time.
the key is how to react to these.
you can either brush yourself off when you stumble or throw your toys out of the pram.
however, i know it is pointless to even try and present a point which conflicts with yours because you're too stuck in your own views.
so, i shall leave the matter. one day, you'll see. :) i hope, anyway.



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13 Sep 2011, 10:35 am

SadAspy wrote:
spongy wrote:
@SadAspy I hope that you can eventually realize the mistake you are making by blaming women for your own trouble and that you are able to eventually find someone once you´ve dropped the attitude


Maybe if a woman or white knight here actually came up with a legitimate argument, I would consider it. Instead, it's just shaming language.

As for my attitude, for the 993,563,147th time, I used to not have an attitude. What was the reason for my multiple rejections then?

Several members have tried to help you and given up on this issue due to the fact that you were attacking anyone that was trying to help you.

I tried to help you and was accused of being emasculated. When I explained you why I was excusing her behaviour you avoided my post and pretended I hadnt said anything.

Nobody is trying to shame you. Shaming you would be telling you that this females rejected you because you arent worth of their attention or anything along those lines. We are trying to help you by suggesting possible changes that will improve your chances of finding a partner.

I was recently rejected by someone I cared for. Did I went nuts and tried to attack her publicly? No,I told her that she deserved to find a suitable partner because she was an amazing person and I made every attempt I could to remain as friends because I care a lot about her and I get so much from talking to her(even knowing that theres no chance of a romantic relationship between us). What did you do?, you tried to humiliate the person that rejected you without listening to her reasons for rejecting you.

I didnt know you back then so I cant speak for that but I can however tell you that your main problem right now is your attitude.


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Grisha
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13 Sep 2011, 10:55 am

spongy wrote:
While I think that chronos posts is quite impressive and extremely well written we cant sticky a post on its own and we have to sticky full threads.
If she wishes she can open a new thread and paste this post and we could sticky it.


There should be a "L&D Hall of Fame" sticky, closed to posting except for moderators to post exceptionally valuable posts such as Chronos' - that's my US$0.02... :)



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13 Sep 2011, 10:58 am

spongy wrote:
Several members have tried to help you and given up on this issue due to the fact that you were attacking anyone that was trying to help you.


LOL....what help? Tellling me I have a bad attitude? That's help?

Quote:
What did you do?, you tried to humiliate the person that rejected you without listening to her reasons for rejecting you.


Wrong. I tried to stay friends, and she admitted she was rejecting me on looks.

(And to hyperlexian, before you take out this comment, spongy brought her up, and I was only rebutting his lies).



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13 Sep 2011, 11:18 am

SadAspy wrote:
spongy wrote:
Several members have tried to help you and given up on this issue due to the fact that you were attacking anyone that was trying to help you.


LOL....what help? Tellling me I have a bad attitude? That's help?.

When someone is attacking those that are trying to help him(as you just admitted to do by avoiding the part of my post about it) they need to change their attitude if they want to go somewhere so telling you that you need to loose the attitude is our attempt of helping you.


As for what happened with her you shall receive a pm from me about it as soon as Im done with exams(that would be mid thursday/early friday).

Edit: wasnt aware that she shouldnt be brought up will avoid doing so in future posts.


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