ASD and bullying

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I am a classroom teacher of elementary students. I have a student on the spectrum in my classroom who was previously bullied. The school did a fabulous job and stopped the bullying and it has not resumed. The student has not forgotten about the bullying and every time the offending student says something to him, he takes it as the student is making fun of him. Are there any suggestions to help my student on the spectrum?

Last edited by kath32982 on 18 Sep 2011, 7:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Hello. I can't offer advice as such but I can offer insight. I have been bullied (a lot) and due to my very rigid 'black and white thinking' I can only see people as bad or good. If my first experience of a person is good and they later do something bad, I still think of them as good and this can cause me problems. On the complete opposite end, If I think of someone as bad, I can't let that go either, so even if the ex-bully was trying to make amends, I would not allow it because to me, that person was and still must be a bully. I don't know if that makes sense. I don't know if that's what is happening in this student's case but it does sound like it. Maybe setting aside some 1:1 time to talk to him about the bully and how he is not going to be mean any more would help. I don't know really but it's worth a try!

Yea, it does suck. For a time I was suspicious of everyone that would talk to me, that they might be tricking me just trying to get me to slip up and do something stupid. It takes time...

Tho don't discount the possibility, that since this kid bullied him before and was apparently disciplined by the school for it, he has every reason to continue to jab and insult the kid. You, as a teacher, do (presumably) have a limited view of the situation. Bullies act like nice well-adjusted kids around teachers, you know. It's the oldest trick in the book.

Maybe you can have the student write what he feels about the other student on paper, and have him crumble it up and throw it in the trash. Give him an outlet to get those feelings out.

I don't remember my childhood much, because it's kind of hellish for me. So that's the best suggestion have.

I was bullied terribly at school. As a girl this didn't usually involve physical assaults (how times have changed) but rather more subtle forms. The worst offences would take place when the teacher's back was turned, but in an environment of continual exclusion, insults and intimidation a simple look or tone of voice could lead to a continued effect during class time. This form of insidious bullying takes a huge toll on the emotions and self esteem over time. Are you sure that the bullying has stopped and has not merely taken a less obvious form?

Even if the bullying has now come to a complete end, it will still take time, and quite possibly some form of therapy, for a child to get over it. It is not surprising that your student is suspicious of the motives of the child that was previously bullying him. Even if he did not have any social issues it would probably be a bit optimistic to expect them to suddenly become best of friends.

Agreed. Bullies do not change. Its a personality type. Once you've been beaten down (literally or through verbal abuse or some other form of intimidation), the threat is always there, no matter how big the Cheshire Cat grin that covers it. A bully reprimanded only resorts to more cunning methods and in frustration at having been thwarted, only becomes more brutal in administering humiliation.

OK, I have been in the position of your ASD student, except for me this happened as an adult.

I was bullied by a peer within an organisation I belong to. The problem was "sorted" by the organisation. But every time the offending person said something to me, I felt like I was still being bullied.

I thought for a long time that it was my misinterpretation of the situation because, after all, the problem had been "sorted". But I still couldn't help the reaction of feeling bullied - which was bad for my mental health.

Turned out when I finally managed to talk to a couple of "independent witnesses" about this, that they said they had noticed it too and that they believed I was still being bullied. It was just being done more subtly.

Take from this what you will. Things are not always as they appear.

I now let the bully get on with it, but I don't let it affect me any more. The bully hates that.

Bullies can get really good and passive-aggressive when they have to.

Unless the bullies' motives can be accurately pinpointed, it's unlikely that a bully can be 'fixed'. Most times they need a good "What the F*** Is Your Problem?" lecture from the authority figures. If they cannot be made to understand what autism is and why it makes people the way they are, they should be isolated from the autistic bullied person.

Also they need to be told repeatedly (the bully) that they are a bad person. Every. Freaking. Day. Maybe it'll sink in.

You have to keep reminding him the kids aren't picking on him and it was just an innocent comment or just a compliment or whatever.

I was bullied and when we moved I assumed I was being bullied when kids do silly things to me like wave their hand in front of my face or bump me in the hallway (on accident) or telling me someone is sitting there and when I move to another seat, they kept telling me someone is sitting there so I thought they were giving me a hard time so they can keep moving me all over the classroom so I got angry and then hit a student.

I had to realize I was misunderstanding their actions and they were not bullying me. Even my mom would tell me they were just trying to get me to notice them and also the halls are crowded so kids are going to be bumping into me. But I didn't listen then because I thought my mom was wrong.

I think it would take time for the former bullies to earn the kid's trust. The kid has to see they have truly changed and they aren't faking it and that will take time. Maybe months.

Dogs tend to cower for a long time after abuse

I would just keep them apart rather than trying to make them kiss and make up.

You may be rushing things when time is the best healer

sociopaths can't 'kiss and make up'. Which is what a lot of bullies are.

Oooh, that is a TOUGH one. It brings back all kinds of unpleasant memories from my childhood, ha.

My advice - SEPERATE THEM AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. It can take years to get over the effects of bullying. Most likely, just being around the kid who bullied him is re-traumatizing every time it happens, so why force him into it if it can be avoided (which I realize sometimes it can't.)

I was bullied mostly 8th and 9th grade. It took well into my college years before I truly felt comfortable talking to kids again and was able to make friends my own age. It's truly hard to get rid of that suspicious feeling, especially if you haven't had many friends before.

If you cant seperate them, an he comes to you complaining of bullying? If you see no evidence of it, then validate him anyway. "Kids can be such jerks!" or "That hurt you, didn't it?" and a supportive smile. If it was me, the teacher saying that nothing happened would be invalidating and make me feel more alone. When I was in 10th or 11th grade, I had an incident with a former bully much like this one. The teacher asked me if I was all right after class and made some comment about kids being (some slang word I interptreted as jerks).
The important thing is I felt supported at that time...

When he gets older and gets away from those kids.... things will get better for him

Anyway... My 2 cents

Well, unfortunately, you're going to have to teach your kid on the spectrum that life is hard, terrible, and cruel, and this type of stuff will likely constantly happen for his whole life, so if he doesn't want to hold grudges against people, he has to learn to forgive them and move on or else it'll sear his conscience and turn his heart cold as ice. However, that's a bit harsh to be telling kids in elementary school, it is true though.

Also, the kid could also be bullying passive aggressively toward him. I've had bullies be great friends with me after a short time. Most of the time, that didn't happen, but if the bully can reconcile and be a real friend with him and not a bully, that'll be a good thing that'll help his outlook on people for the rest of his life. It helped mine. But if not, the Spectrum kid is probably at least half right in his sentiments toward the bully, he's not just being dumb and irrational. You ever get bullied when you were a kid? Did it just magically stop and be OK when you told a teacher? Think about it.

If you can't separate them and need them to continually interact with each other, you gotta teach him forgiveness, to learn to be the better man, even at the young age he is.

For the opening poster I am sure you have heard this said, either on television or in film, or are at least aware of it from an NT perspective:

Wow, you look great, have you lost weight?

The above loosely translates to (at least in my mind) "you were a fat cow and right now I want to destroy your confidence and show you who is boss"

With NTs, this happens everyday and while it would be passed off by an NT as nothing it is still bullying, and one of the worst forms. A split lip will heal in a day but self-esteem battered down over years never will.

Now, you can claim that everything is hunkydory and you have "sorted" it, but you most assuredly have not, why not simply tell this bully not to have any further contact at all?

(Someone who is truly repentant will simply go up to their victim of choice and say "Im sorry I bullied you and it wont happen again" and WALK AWAY and never have any contact again. But lets face it, this will never happen if you teachers are shoving the aspie kid and him together all the time out of a deluded sense that it is sorted out)

Yes they are rather clever at their selectively predatory like behavior on school mates who are different.

In my catholic school the prefects were the ones who did the bullying. Their success on the sports field and classroom mean't the teachers took their word and not their victims.

In my final years of highschool it even got to the stage where teachers were keen to get rid of me and sanctioned some of these "blue-bloods" to harrass me. It was all done so that I could never prove what was happening. They would probably claim I was clinically paranoid.

I do believe that highschool teachers are well aware of the social strata and ingratiate themselves with the elite students because they are the ones who they wan't to be associated with. My teachers did not care about the welfare of average students or bullied students. Their philosophy was sink or swim.