Dad with Asperger's Syndrome

Post Reply New Topic

Hi! I am new here. I know there is a forum here somewhere that talks about being raised by a parent with Asperger's. However, I cannot find it. I would just love to talk to someone else who can relate to growing up with an Aspie parent.

I highly suspect that my dad has Asperger's Syndrome. Here are some of his traits:

highly sensitive to noises
obsessed with electronics/technology
keeps to himself
not affectionate
dominates conversation/talks at you
hums and rocks in his chair
doesn't seem to understand typical behavior of children
hates crowds
intolerant of others opinions/views
misunderstands things/doesn't understand metaphors and such
never asks how anyone is doing or seems to care how they are
launches into one sided conversations about his interests
doesn't catch on when people are bored
lacks social skills/says rude things
easily angered

Did you come on here to understand him better?

I am close to middle age. I no longer live with him but try to remember it is probably Asperger's that is causing his distance and general unpleasantness. This is not to say that all Aspies are unpleasant. The more I realize he probably has Aspergers the better I feel about my dad. I want to know as much about Aspergers as possible. I do see him pretty often as mom and I are close. I find it very difficult to get along with my dad. He has always belittled me and my family. It was a rare occasion when he was in a good mood. Plus, his good moods rarely lasted very long.

Once when I had foot surgery, I needed to be driven to the doctor's several times for mandatory check ups, as my husband was at work. I didn't think it'd be a big deal since dad was retired, the doctor's office was close by, and I am his daughter after all. I was not allowed to drive being as it was foot surgery. It was a big deal for him. He thought he was being inconvenienced, and was angry about it.

Important thing to remember is that he communicates differently. You are saying "general unpleasantness", but to him it is probably not meant that way.

It's like he's speaking a different language, and some words in that language sound like swear words in English. You have to remember that in his language, the words are probably totally innocuous. Of course, that doesn't mean he couldn't swear in his own language.

Well, for years he has called the whole family stupid. We were stupid, and so were others. Yes, that was the word he used. He thinks if someone doesn't understand things as he does that we are all stupid. Everyone has different types of intelligence. Just because some things come easy for some doesn't mean it will come easy for others. All of us were belittled by him. Once my brother in law came over, and he said "Boy, you've gotten fat".

Regarding the foot surgery, I mentioned. He was very angry that he had to drive me to these appointments. He told me so. Everything was too much for him. Even driving his own daughter to necessary appointments when she couldn't drive because of surgery.

Yes, I still have some anger. But as I said, I try to remember it is probably Aspergers.

I highly suspect that my dad has Asperger's as well, and that I inherited it from him. It explains a lot. Life with him as my father isn't typical of any NT father-daughter relationship, especially if I have Asperger's as well. Now that there is a big reason why things couldn't have improved much even if he had tried his best to be attentive, I feel a lot more understanding of him. I mean, seriously, I'm not much better that he is in terms of lack of affection and reciprocation... as much as it hurts my pride to say that.
Hats off to people who managed to be loving and attentive parents despite having AS. I wish things were different with me.

He could have it or just have poor social skills. It's possible your dad was just angry about his routine being different than being mad at you because it wasn't your fault.

My dad is also routine oriented. I forgot to mention that. He only uses a certain bowl, plate, and glass when eating.

I want to thank everyone for your replies.

I suspect my father to have AS,too (maybe I've even inherited some traits).
He would also offend me or anybody else in the family, and sometimes even when trying to compliment us. But after a while it's not to be taken seriously and more or less, it's his way of understanding and connecting other things he's heard in other places. He loves to repeat phrases and words he's heard elsewhere.
Maybe that's his purpose,too,...maybe not.
And if somebody understands things differently than him, he'll also call us names but it's such a stubborn way, again, it's clear he's unable to think differently.

Now that I've come to see my father as having AS, rather than being mean (which I don't think he is, unless it's a very weird way of being mean), I'm much more understanding, much more communicative and there are less frictions, less anger...etc.
I don't think he's lazy anymore, e.g. for not using scissors, I now asked him why and he said he can't use them,...now I know it's the clumsiness. Or when he asks me to write letters for him or fill out forms, I know it's probably something like dysgraphia and not lazyness. And when he is unable to enter a certain room because of machine-noises, it's his sensory sensitivity and so on....
There have been times where I feared him, which was after rare explosive melt downs.......but taking out these incidents,....I'm not that angry and hostile towards him anymore.

I don't just think my father has Asperger's . . . I know!

The traits you described sound just like my father only a little different:

-He collects electronic things (he has a room in his house piled with electronic gadgets, with a little spot in the middle where he sits and watches t.v.)

-He wears the same clothes every day. Just different pairs of the same thing

-I could go on and on

My father became very verbally abusive to me around the time I was in 7th grade. I believe this is because this is when I surpassed him in my communication skills and he was intimidated. My father was always yelling. There wasn't a thing you could say that he wouldn't react defensively to. If you asked him about his collection he'd go on and on.
It wasn't until this year that I actually realised what was going on with him. I wanted to keep smacking myself on the head and yelling "Duh!". When I was a very small child my mother actually told me that my father was "special". I didn't understand it then so I blocked it out and finally remembered this year. I confronted my mother. I was very angry. Our family suffered a lot because no effort was made to try and understand my father. I was deeply scarred by our relationship and had wondered for years what was wrong with me that my father couldn't love me.
I know that I never saw that there was something "special" about him because he is my FATHER. One looks at their parents differently. They are your authority figure and your whole world until you're grown. If no one ever explained it to us it is NOT OUR FAULT if we didn't understand.

I'm certain that my dad is an aspie also, and his mother is also pretty sure of it too. Other than stimming, he has ever characteristic I've heard of, but doesn't seem to think Asperger's even exists.

I can't think of what to do since I've figured it out. My dad is extremely touchy and doesn't talk much so telling him is out of the question. I can't think of a man being open to their child telling them they think he has autism. I thought maybe my mother and I should talk and we can find a book about how to communicate with him better. I know it would make me feel better. I wish I could find a support group or something because I've been struggling with the effects of not understanding him. I consider what happened in my childhood to be abuse. No one I ever talked to could understand when I tried to describe his behavior toward me. I thought I was crazy.